DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

Thank you ! Read them in a browser. Will have a look now.

Well, I agree that men go into their caves because they can and us women are left to pick up the pieces ( been there got the T shirt)
I'm in no way blaming the OP for his actions or events leading up to them.

More men than women seem to bugger off leaving their partner to pick up the pieces, don't they? Clearly not because they love them any less - so maybe because it is more socially acceptable? People are used to ideas like "a man goes into his cave" but expect women to have the emotional maturity to deal with things - so don't place as much blame on a man as they would on a woman who did the same thing. It's hard for us women to imagine leaving our children even in a crisis because there's such huge social pressure for us to be carers. People would rip you apart. As long as we keep saying that men are just no good at this whole "feelings" thing, we're giving men a great excuse for acting like this.

Right email filter set up. Thanks !

Cant seem to get motivated today. Should be ordering son's furniture. Feels like I have so much to do and I don't know where to start. I am normally super organised.

It's so hard to focus when you have adrenalin running through your body and all sorts going on in your head.

Write a list.
Then see what jobs are quick and easy and get them done first.
Watch that list reduce.
Then prioritise the remainder and just do what you can.
You don't have to do anything if you don't want to.
You are allowed to wallow and grieve for what you have lost.

And stop drinking away at that depressant wine!

I would literally write two things on the list so that you don't drown under the massive list of 'stuff to do'. Just write one thing for today and one thing for tomorrow and do not attempt to do more. The rest of your time is for looking after yourself and your ds, doing fun things.

If you think you can write a list which you put away for a few days til you feel less overwhelmed, do that too - so it's out of your head and down on paper. But not if the list is then going to nag away at you about stuff you 'should' be doing. There's no 'should' on days like this.

Do you really have to order furniture, or could it wait? Does he not have any now?

I am another fan of To Do lists. Write the list and then prioritise each item as a task that Must be done, Could be done or For A Later Date. Sometimes I complete a task that's not on my list and then write it on just so that I can cross it off.

Another vote for not drinking too.

Bugger only just seen the messages. I have now taken the advice and written a list.

Right I have:

Called Sky and cancelled the sport package. Took Coward off Sky Go and connected son's ipad to it instead. Changed password.

Checked that Doctors received repeat prescription and checked when I can collect.

I HAD to get him the furniture - son has been looking forward to this for over a year - promised we would do it this summer before he starts 'big' school.
Just ordered:
Bedding
Bed
Wardrobe
Chair
Blackout blind
Bed side cabinet
Pictures
Mirror
Study Lamp
Lamp shade
Bin

Still to do:
Clean upstairs and wash kitchen floor
Collect medication
Go to dump and get rid of bags of rubbish as coward did not put bins out with I was away - they are now overflowing.
Get locks changed - not heard back from sister yet
Take the food shopping delivery tomorrow.
Put the aforementioned furniture together when it arrives (borrow the tools).
Comfort son.
Not feel guilty because I am still sitting in bed.
Book holiday.
Buy wine ...lots more wine.
Eat.

Think I am in denial currently.

I think you're keeping yourself busy.

Blimey, you've done loads already today.
Sod the rest of it (other than comfort son of course)
Have another look tomorrow and cross something else off.
1 task at a time, 1 day at a time.
And when you put the furniture together, get someone round to help.
It's a hell of job for 2 people!

you are doing brilliantly! it's about 20 years ago since my divorce. Life did get much better.

If this is you lacking motivation then I need you to e-direct my list! I agree though, cuddles with son is the only one you need to do today.

Tomorrow may be busier. It should start with relaxing in bed, not feeling guilty and cuddling DS again. Then when you are ready, pick up your medication and open the door for the food delivery.

Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's recognising your abilities. Whatever it is, the relaxing, lack of guilt and cuddling can be a feature of everyday, however you feel now or then.

I redecorated a room as soon as my H of 23 yrs left for the OW - very therapeutic and now I look at it and everything in there is my choice of style and colour. I changed the curtains in the bedroom and bought new bed linen and am halfway through painting the hallway. I did stop at repainting the living room as my youngest dc asked if I was trying to paint over all traces of her dad (he chose the decor ) well yes I realised I was going a bit too quickly for her so stopped at that point. She is now getting on at me to do it and complaining that the colours are old and dull .

In a few years time you will look back and see that a few miserable weeks/months were worth it to get your freedom - and you don't even have to go through a divorce! I can see that you are not someone who will use your son as weapon, but will support him in maintaining a relationship with his father. What his father does about that is beyond your control - it is painful to watch the exDP/DH hurt their own children by their selfish behaviour, but we just have to bite our tongues I think so that our DC always feel they can have a moan to us in safety about their father without feeling they have to defend him from our negativity.

I redecorated the marital bedroom. It was then MINE

I think you are being great OP and appreciate the desertion of your son is probably the most painful thing

In a few months this will not be so painful and you will find parts of your life better

Do you know what INeed, I think when Coward (we could call him Noël!) comes back from his shagfest holiday he is going to be very very surprised at what greets him. And I mean that in a good way. He will find a capable, strong woman, who had not let the grass grow under her feet and who has not sat around crying and begging him to come back. I predict that he will not like that very much.

I know it's an old cliche of a song but that line from I Will Survive just popped into my head: "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I!"

I suspect he thinks you will have crumbled. What delicious revenge to prove him wrong!

Keep on keeping on op. You are going so well x

Nothing is awry. I never thought to mention my love for Coward - why would I ? he is a coward who has run away- the love I felt for him has evaporated over the last few days. I am sorry that I am a strong independent person and he wasn't able to 'feel' like a man (which is bollocks and not that case) in our relationship. He is very much a man, but laid back one, yes. But I am pretty laid back too. If he felt he had been overly accommodating then that is his problem, he only had to say.

There is loads I haven't typed about; ..love, respect, needing him and all that shit ... but that doesn't matter now does it.

UpUpUp i would appreciate it if you just fuck off from this thread. Your crap is worse than reading his crap - are you stupid or something?? I DONT CARE WHAT HE IS FEELING - i only care about my son and what is going through his mind.

Oh and I have had a shit night tonight. Spoke to my boss - who as ever is lovely. But am feeling low - I feel that I am waiting for the full force of something to hit me. Waiting .. just waiting. Friends have been great. Family fantastic. Keep on keeping on !

I'm sure upupup means well - but doesn't realise that by being judgemental about you, and rolling her eyes skyward to God about men, she's not helping you. You've come here for help, we can oblige.

I'm certain all of us made misjudgements within in our marriages: put on weight, acquired wrinkles, were too busy to deal with their every need, blahdy, blahdy, blah.

My STBXH also made misjudgements within the marriage. Not least of all that I would crawl under a rock and die in his absence. I know first hand the horror of his abandonment. I have had to live it every.single.day. I know the pain, the hurt, the humiliation, the loss. I cope with it every fucking day. It near on kills me some days. However, I am just about surviving, but not thriving. That's for the future.

Tonight, my local publican knocked on the door to see what he could do to help me. That is help - in his own words: "you've made a lot of friends in this village" (I've only lived here a year). Not once did he blame men or excuse my husband, or his penis. Just wanted to know what help I might need that he and his family might help with. Stuff like that matters.

People can be utterly brilliant. Undoubtedly everyone has an opinion most are just wise enough to keep it to themselves. Rest assured - we beat ourselves up the most about what we could have done to prevent this. We are utterly awful to ourselves in our own heads.

However, your partner has still fucked off in a cowardly way. Blaming you, me, his parents, the world and his dog, his penis nor the size of your arse does not help you cope in the short term, the medium term or the long term.

Some people, just need to be ignored.

Like The Coward. I hope you're keeping that up.

I am completely on your page when you say you don't want to write about the loving aspect of your relationship. His behaviour has left you in no doubt that any feelings that you have about him need to be addressed.

That is the whole process in its entirety: the grief, the panic, the fear, the loss, the hurt, the neglect, the resentment, the anger, the hate as well as the love and the waste.

It's a long process but one you're getting yourself equipped for.

One day, you and your son will thrive. You are now teaching your child about responsibility, dignity and strength. I know it's hard - but you'll do it.

KOKO.

Upupup you're obviously sympathising with coward on this thread. Not sure why you feel that is appropriate nor how you feel you've gleaned enough information to come on and be so heartless. Possibly you are projecting. But I politely suggest your unkind remarks are taken elsewhere.

Men are adults, not poor little creatures who need women to go around pandering to their egos btw

OP I'm so sorry you had to have someone come and kick you when you're so distraught. I haven't read any of that crap in your posts. You go on being you, no need to pretend you're incompetent to make anyone else feel better about themselves.

Reading that in the small hours must have been vile.

You will have a roller coaster ride in this. However someone leaves it's always painful and the manner in which coward has done it, is about as nasty and cowardly as you can get. He's obviously not thinking about anyone but himself here. It is NOT your job to be thinking about him. He's made his bed and can go and lie on it.

You will survive his, your son will be ok. He will still have a relationship with his dad which at some point might seem disloyal to you or upsetting. Kids have a way of forgiving parents shitty behaviour because at the end of the day they want that parent and so they are forced to accept whatever crumb the parent offers.

You sound like a brilliant and competent women. Don't let anyone knock that out of you

There was a poster called HappyMummyOfOne who was notorious for going around threads man sympathising regardless of the hurt she caused. She always sympathised with the man. If he strangled his wife she'd probably say the woman drove him to it.

A fairly belligerent I don't care if I upset anyone attitude came with her misogynistic messages.

I really hope this is not going to be the case on this thread.

When I think of my husband it turns my stomach. I just feel disgust. Can't remember any of the more pleasant feelings I ever had for him; the image I have in my head is his new, nasty face. To be honest I find it much more surprising when people come on here, tell some awful story about disgusting things their partner has done and then say they don't want to lose him because they love him so much. Makes me think they must just be trying to convince themselves that there is love because they don't want it to be over. Or they feel their heart pounding and think "That must be because I love him". I don't know.

Upupup, let's for a moment imagine that you have accidentally stumbled across the truth, despite not knowing a single thing about the OP's partner. Let's imagine that he was very unhappy because he didn't have his own house, and let's imagine that the OP is such a fire-breathing dragon that he was scared to say anything. Now how would that make his behaviour any better? How would it make him any less of a coward, or less callous towards his young son? How would it help the OP deal with the situation? What's your point?

Given the limited information I can garner from OP re. her DP, he seems like a very easy going uncomplicated bloke

The irony in this sentence is breathtaking!!!

Ignore, ignore ignore...