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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me via an email

746 replies

INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:36

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 26/08/2014 13:01

I used to type out emails and then keep in drafts and if I still wanted to send them the following day I would.

I spent the first year or so after we split intervening a bit trying to help the relationship between XH and DD . She was then 11 and I just wanted her to be as happy with her Dad as she could. Almost five years down the line I never get involved because he's such an idiot as far as I'm concerned he will have to be answerable for his own actions and I can't fix things.

Post divorce one of the hardest things for me has been to watch XHs declining interest in our DC over the years for all his proclamations that they are his priority.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 26/08/2014 14:31

Coming I know what you mean. I split with my first DBoyfriend after 10 years together when older DS was 4 years old. He remained very active in his life till older son was 11 (3/4 nights a week) ...and then just pretty much stopped. I think he has seen him once this year and last year he saw him once. On Christmas day.

His loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 26/08/2014 14:35

Dear Coward

I spoke to son today, as I do everyday and asked him if he had made a decision about replying to your emails He said he wasn't sure but that he might send you a picture when his room is all finished. As we are waiting for some more things to arrive this will not be before Monday 1st September, you know the day before your son's first day at secondary school. Sorry about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 26/08/2014 19:57

Coward emailed son again today at 3pm..
.
What have you been doing today ? Please answer even if it is one word.

Son said he might send him a picture but as yet hasn't.

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/08/2014 20:03

God that is completely unfair of him. He's acting like a needy child himself, pleeeassseeee notice me. It's so blatant that all he wants is a word so that he can comfort himself ds is starting to forgive him, that what he's done isn't really that bad.

I think a picture is a good way for ds to communicate. He shouldn't have to try and put his feelings into words if he doesn't want to.

HanselandGretel · 26/08/2014 20:07

He needs to cut with the begging for a reply, that is so awkward for your son, yet again he is just thinking about his own feelings.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 26/08/2014 20:08

I know I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 26/08/2014 20:10

He is luck I am currently on NC Wink

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/08/2014 20:34

I wonder if it'd be useful, or at least cathartic, to jot down some requests about this kind of thing in case you get to mediation?

Original poster
INeedToEat · 26/08/2014 20:47

WHo does mediation ?? We are not married !

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/08/2014 21:12

Sorry, I thought it might be something that might end up on the cards with there being a child involved.

Blush

I'll leave you to it.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 26/08/2014 21:18

Viv 0 just re read my post - came across as angry .. i wasnt!! Sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 27/08/2014 08:44

Son wants fish ... we are off out to buy fish today.

Son decided not to contact his dad yesterday.

OP posts:
crabster · 27/08/2014 08:57

I wouldn't keep pushing/encouraging your DS to respond to his dad, personally. I know that you're trying to do the right thing despite your own pain and anger, but at 11 years old he's old enough to build an independent relationship with his dad, I think. Might it be better to be quite neutral for a while and say things like
'This is between you and your dad now, DS - you get to call the shots and decide what you're comfortable with, and you can set the pace for rebuilding this relationship'. ?
I'm just thinking that by discussing it with you often and being expected to make a decision, he might be influenced by not wanting to upset you/be disloyal to you. Kids can get in a bit of a muddle about stuff like this and feel much more of a sense of responsibility in divorce/separation than we realise.

Hope I'm not speaking out of turn - I think you've handled this brilliantly and your ex is a fucking arsewipe.

Clutterbugsmum · 27/08/2014 08:59

Hope you get some nice fish for your ds.

I think if it was me I'd keep an eye on e mails to your ds from your ex and if he keeps sending begging ones then maybe on Friday/Saturday ask him to stop.

Explain that while him e mailing is not a problem but he has to stop the emotional blackmail.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 27/08/2014 12:48

We have 2 fish !

Thank you both and no not speaking out of term.

When I talk to son i do make sure I tell him that if he wants to respond that it is ok with me and that he will not hurt me by emailing. He said he would email him a picture of the fish but has not yet.

He is doing ok but found him in my bed again during the night - glad I done his room i think it is helping to keep his mind off things.

Thank you. Clutter - that is something I will consider.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/08/2014 15:37

Please fight the urge to hack the fishes' heads off and send him a photo of that. Or the fish heads themselves Wink

Original poster
INeedToEat · 27/08/2014 17:04

Lolno chance...I am rather taken by the fish....as is son x x

OP posts:
orangefusion · 27/08/2014 17:59

I thought the fish were for supper :)

Pets are very cathartic at times like this, he can tell them stuff and they wont disagree or answer back or offer advice. Fish in particular are steady and reliable when all is turbulent.

Keep on with the NC apart from when absolutely necessary. Another one here who will testify to the regrets of not having kept NC when I was raging.

tribpot · 27/08/2014 18:14

Oh dear, I didn't realise the fish were pets, I also thought they were supper. Definitely don't chop their poor old heads off in that case Grin

Jennco · 28/08/2014 12:15

You know the perfect word for your son to send is Coward :)

Sorry, I have been lurking but reading and I think you are doing amazing :)
What kind of fish do you have? Is your son looking forward to school? My little boy starts in Sept as well, so its very nerve racking. KOKO, like I said, I think you are doing so amazing..

goes back to lurking

WellWhoKnew · 28/08/2014 13:19

Another one thinking of a fish supper!

Hope all's okay in your world INeed and you're keeping busy.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 28/08/2014 13:43

Hey all

Jennco Son is kinda looking forward to school. He will be fine when the first day is over - I hope.

Son and coward sent a few emails back and forth yesterday .. basic 'what are you up to type emails'. Coward sent one today which son has not replied to as yet. I have told son that his communication with coward does not have to be shared - but i did read through them after he was asleep last night. Dunno if that is the right thing or not?

Had friend over last night and they stayed the night (after a few drinks) ... she helped me move the fish tank out of sons room because it is too noisy for him to sleep. Fish now living in the lounge. Me and both the kids are out for dinner with some of my family tonight anddddddddd my friend is finally home at some point today so a good telephone catch up is hopefully on the cards!

Son says that he had felt ok about emailing his dad but is not ready to see him yet.

Not heard from coward and I have not sent an email - yayy

Will go and check how you are getting on Who ;0)

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 29/08/2014 18:31

Struggling tonight. Anyone around ?

OP posts:
crabster · 29/08/2014 18:52

Yes I'm here (although had several glasses of wine so may be slightly overenthusiastic in my views Blush

How's it going? I think you've dealt with this in an exceptionally dignified manner - far more so than I would have!

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