DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

A little calmer this morning. Thank you all for posting (again) !

Coward did email son directly but son wanted me to read it. You are that that I should have refused.

It is weird I think from my perspective that I do feel indifference just not when it comes to my son. Maybe I am projecting.

Know what son said ...'I have nothing to respond to - he didn't ask me any questions' - clever kid.

I feel like emailing coward and writing the email that he can then send to son. I guess you all think that is a bad idea!

you are *correct that I should have refused.

If your DS didn't want you to read his E mail then he wouldn't have asked you to.

As I said earlier your EX's E mail was a lot of 'I's' and nothing about your DS. He could have asked you son about his room, his holiday. It's like he does not know how to communicate with your ds even on a basic level.

"Projecting" over son seems to be a very unfair way to think of it.

You bloody well care about him, and he's hurting - if you didn't hurt for him, there'd be something wrong with you!

Your son is absolutely right: that the content of that email was about making Dad feel better and not him.

His dad is being an utter arse - only you can't say that as you're aware.

An 11 can't fake indifference - nor should he be encouraged to.

I'll not beat around the bush though, emailing coward with an email is a bad idea.

There is no magic wand that's going to mitigate Dad's defective decision making and on-going ineptitude, but what you can do (and I think you are doing) is keeping the two of you busy and trying to work on son's self-esteem.

Make fun your word this week.

In all fairness Coward doesn't know about the holiday or that I have been doing up his room.

I just want him to send son an email with some questions in it ... so that son might want to reply.

No, I don't think you shouldn't have read it (at your son's request), but Coward may say he can't engage with his son for fear of your wrath coming straight back to him. Protectiveness towards your son is quite understandable - we all feel it and we don't even know him!

'I have nothing to respond to - he didn't ask me any questions'

Absolutely spot on. The email was all about Coward. Well done ds for seeing it for the worthless crap that it was.

Can I suggest that you give Ineptitude Coward a set period of time before you write to him again? Say seven days in order to try to figure it out for himself

Because what he's doing is pushing the responsibility for his relationship with his son onto you. As soon as he realises you aren't accepting that responsibility, it may compel him to act.

And for the record, Ineptitude Coward should be interested in what his son's been doing. He shouldn't need you to tell him.

However, he's inept and a coward.

I realise you wanted this trialled before secondary school but it's not looking likely. Use the time for you and your son. It's clear that if son changes his mind, then you can facilitate a visit. But make plans on the expectation Ineptitude Coward, remains inept and a coward.

He sounds like a lecturer, reminds me of my husband and his family, who all work(ed) in jobs where you give people instructions they have to follow (teaching, medicine). My husband acts the same with the kids, giving them instructions and telling them stuff but not seeing them as people with their own minds and ideas that he might want to listen to or think about. It's a shame.

You are probably right that you are not as indifferent yourself as you think. It's a protective mechanism, convincing yourself that you don't care so that you don't melt into soup. But in fact it's not indifference, just very cold rage.

Oh, and don't tell him what to write. Let him write his crap. This is not so much letting him dig his own grave, more letting him be himself with his son. No mum or dad is perfect; we all have to learn to deal with our mum or dad as they are, and that is a good lesson in life. Your job is limited to helping your son understand why his dad acts as he does (obviously more "we all get things wrong sometimes" rather than "because he is a cowardly worm").

Definitely don't tell Coward what to write to son.
If he cannot do it himself, you surely cannot do it 'for' him (ds) however much you want to.

As painful as it is, YOU cannot influence their relationship now.

If Coward continues to stuff it up, all you can do is be there to support your ds.
In time, he will come to his own conclusions about his Dad.
Sadly, he is already seeing how selfish Dad can be in the short term.
Let's hope Dad can improve for his relationship with his son or it will be lousy long term too.

All you can do is validate your son's feelings
(as he will have a lot of them, and Dad clearly isn't going to).

Ok he didn't know about the bedroom or holiday but he could have asked what your ds had been doing in the last couple of weeks.

Please write back when you feel up to it. is totally wrong he should not be putting the onus on your ds to contact him it should be the other way around even if it's just as quick 'hello, how are you type of e mail'.

You probably are projecting up to a point but that's beside the reality that he is really hurting your boy. I just can't stand by and keep quiet when ex is being a dick with the kids.

Wow he emailed a good ' hi how are you, what are you doing today' email at lunch time today. Son has chosen not to reply as yet.

INeed. I'm going to be blunt here. And I know it's not advice you want to hear. Or that you are ready to take but I'll say it one more time.

You need to take a leaf out of your DS's book and stop responding. Just stop. You have said to him everything practical you need to. Now stop.

By emailing him you are simply allowing him to control your emotions. To set the agenda. And to make yourself look emotional and unreasonable. (Let me be clear, I do not think you are unreasonable. But that is how you will start to look. And how he will read everything)

You yourself have now got first hand experience of how blisteringly effective silence is as an answer. Remember that. No answer is the best answer. Because all these emails you're sending are only upsetting one person - you. You were so much calmer last week when you were NC.

Please don't think I'm not sympathetic. Please don't think I haven't made the sane mistakes as you. Or that I don't speak from bitter experience because I do.

Just stop. Please stop. Take back control and stop!

I'm trying to avoid getting drawn into what a bastard type reactions to your ex because I don't think that needs fuelling. I think what he did was inexcusable and unforgettable. What he needs to do is work harder with your son and confirm financial details with you. The future relationship will improve and that will be good for your son

This is a small start

"I haven't cried yet - is that odd? How could he leave his son like that. I know he is not a good person for doing this, really I do. But he usually is, genuinely. He mentioned that he feels he is having a break down... this is so out of character for him. He hates confrontation so i shouldn't be surprised that he left like a coward. It is the no contact that is getting to me. I need answers. "

Surely this is the key here? Does he have a therapist?

He mentioned that he feels he is having a break down... this is so out of character for him.

Was attempting to put above in bold face, for emphasis.

Surely this is the key here? Does he have a therapist?

He's not posting here his ex is, so I no, I don't think it's key here.

Sorry, please ignore my posts.

Bit I know you are right. I really do.. I remember how good it felt when I was away... it seems harder some how now I am home.
Forward .. thank you

I have not emailed coward today... and have not wanted too.

It is very hard, we know. Maintaining NC, when you're raging inside is hard. I've lost count of the number of times I have in my head written him what I really think. I've always managed to stop myself from typing it out to him directly. Sometimes I rage on here, sometimes I write to my solicitor. Sometimes I talk it out and have friends talk me down. I've found a counsellor now to talk to as well. Finding an outlet for it is important - but he cannot be that outlet.

The first few days/weeks (depending) you are running on adrenaline and shock, but when it subsides you're left with the anger and despair. You're still adjusting to the big changes his departure left.

It is harder when you're home because that's the most familiar place. Find ways of getting yourselves out and about and keeping busy if you can. It'll help, I promise.

KOKO, INeed.

INeed believe me, I really really do know how hard it is. It is the hardest thing I ever did to go NC with my ex. And I also clearly remember how hard I found it to take advice I didn't want to hear. I used to think "these people don't know how it feels".

I wish wish WISH I had listened and gone NC much much sooner than I did because it was only then that my head and heart had a chance to breathe and heal a bit.

I also hope you know that I am only saying this out of genuine concern. Not to be mean to you

KOKO X

I think you need to let out your emotions. However when I look back most of my regret surrounds the moments when I did (if that makes sense?)

I would aim for a version of contact but businesslike. Save emails. Don't send ever late at night or when feeling angry, hurt

not terribly good at my own advice

Dear Coward

How does it feel to know your son has not replied to your emails? As crap as he is feeling? Probably not ... remember this is not a competition. I want to help you communicate with son , really I do ... but then again ...why should I ?

The 1st of September approaches Coward.. I wonder if you will pay the maintenance... Luckily I do not need the money ... but be assured i will follow this up one way or another.

(not sent emotion)

Good one INeed!