Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me via an email

746 replies

INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:36

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

OP posts:
WhereTheWildlingsAre · 23/08/2014 17:43

I'm off on holiday so won't be around for a week. Hope the next week goes well x

FrontForward · 23/08/2014 17:57

Well that made me smile :)

Did you send it separate to the businesslike email? I think it's good to keep a businesslike thread but probably quite cathartic for you to have said that to him once

tribpot · 23/08/2014 19:14

I'd send both emails (since you've sent the anger one). No explanation as to the difference in tone.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 23/08/2014 20:09

I sent the buisness like one first...then a few hours later sent the evil me one.

Further to my last email. Let me clarify. I am aware what little was left of our relationship is finally over. I am relieved and like you feel this is best for all involved. Six year ago I tried to talk to you (for the first time) and explained how unhappy I was living with you. That I was unhappy living in a loveless, passionless relationship where communication, affection and real togetherness was rare. It was around this time that I realised that I was no longer ‘in’ love with you. I was able to get many of my needs met by others and convinced myself staying together was best for our son. After all, we never argued and our life from the outside seemed ok. Although not ‘in’ love I loved you as the father of my son.

However, after your disgustingly cowardly, spineless and selfish behaviour I am struggling to even like you currently. I still can not believe you have done this to your son. You have written that you love him but I am afraid your actions speak louder than your words. You deserted your son.

It did not have to be like this . This is of your making. It has been almost three weeks since you have seen your son. You could have grown some balls and just spoken to me.

I am still angry on your son’s behalf that you decided to choose your needs over his. Lets just pretend for a moment that I believe your ‘my head was in a mess’ statement. I assume your sister is of sound mind? No? Maybe she was in a mess too? Why else would she not tell you what a selfish coward you were planning on being to your son?? …to her nephew ?? What kind of aunty wouldn't say something?

I have allowed son to read a few parts of your emails so that he can see that you have written that you love him. I remind him every day of your love for him and he is aware I will support him in having initial contact with you. I have offered to help him write to you. He remains angry, hurt and confused and I am here to pick up the pieces. He has taken to sleeping in my bed with me.

I do hope he one day sees fit to forgive you. For his sake.

Oh dear !! What did I do lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 23/08/2014 20:10

Wherethe...have a fab holiday. No doubt I will still be here when you get back!!

OP posts:
FrontForward · 23/08/2014 20:16

I think you said what you needed to. :)

LEMmingaround · 23/08/2014 20:19

It is good that you sent both emails. You needed to say what you said or your head will have exploded! But you are officially banned from checking your email for his reply. Which i suspect will be a long time coming. What s pig

WellWhoKnew · 23/08/2014 20:23

It's not that bad really, I don't think. Okay it would not be pleasant to receive, but then, who cares about him!

I like how it treats his 'woe is me' in such short-shrift!

And thinking about it - it may just make him realise how atrocious he has been so that he makes more effort to be a father to his son, rather than relying on you to do the honourable thing.

And, to be fair, he hasn't made any effort to contact his son, so if this just makes the split more acrimonious, so be it.

Now have a glass of wine!

Original poster
INeedToEat · 23/08/2014 21:14

I actually feel SO much better for sending that. If he never replies.. then so be it. Obviously sad for son nut at least he would know and would eventually be able to move on. This 'man' is 46 btw and I stand by what I said in my first post.. he was a good man.

Not checked for a response. So not bothered, feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Personally, i think he needed to read that (and I so needed to write it) , even if he will deny deny deny.

I told son that I had written to him and had suggested that coward emails him. Not sure I should have said anything because the poor sod now keeps checking his email. Think I made a mistake but I wanted to remain open with him.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 23/08/2014 21:21

I'll get you to write to my STBXH when my divorce and final settlement is over...Grin

Original poster
INeedToEat · 23/08/2014 21:24

WellWho ;0) ..btw did you get my text the other week?

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 23/08/2014 21:27

No, Do you want to PM me it. Didn't get a thing.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 23/08/2014 21:59

Sent you a message.

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 23/08/2014 23:19

I think your second email was great too. You come across as really strong in it - your anger is all about your son, but you give a really, really strong message that you've moved on!
I bet he's completely confused about what's going on now! Probably expected you to be devastated (is there an "evil grin" emoticon?!)

Adarajames · 24/08/2014 00:17

Go you! Great email, so strong and calm and adult :) have a fantastic holiday with your son x

Original poster
INeedToEat · 24/08/2014 09:15

Still glad I sent the second email !!

Going to put his bags outside today - so lets see if he collects them or maybe they will get stolen Grin

OP posts:
feelingreallyanxious · 24/08/2014 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sailorsgal · 24/08/2014 09:57

Has anyone seen the song doing the rounds on Facebook called the dickhead song?Grin

Original poster
INeedToEat · 24/08/2014 13:40

Sailor nope but I will look it up. Just noticed I got an email from coward last night. At parents... will post it when I get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 24/08/2014 16:12

Coward's response:

Thank you for letting me know all of that. I will digest it and write a response very soon.

Thank you for letting me know more about Son's feelings and I appreciate you are encouraging him to have contact with me.

I will write to him tomorrow (Sunday).

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 24/08/2014 16:13

Man of few words as usual.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEat · 24/08/2014 16:13

Oh and he collected his stuff from the garden while we were out.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 24/08/2014 16:47

He really is a bloody coward isn't he. I feel sad for your ds but he has you for his mum. He will be just fine Flowers

Original poster
INeedToEat · 24/08/2014 18:51

Omg the coward has not emailed his son. It is almost 7pm now.. poor kid has been checking all day... wanker. I want to kill him.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 24/08/2014 18:56

Your poor DS. Does he know he was due an email?