DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

I am not bothered about him knowing we are out. Locks changed. How about this:

I am glad to read you have made provision for our son. I can clarify, that I am not impeding your relationship with your son, and I will not going forward. However, he currently does not wish to have contact with you. I am encouraging him to think otherwise, but for now, you will have to accept that your actions have caused him immense upset and pain.

In the interim other decisions need to be made.

Contact arrangements:
Friday and/or Saturday night every other weekend (son can decide if it is one or two nights)
One school night each week (6pm - 8pm) - day TBC at a later date.

Maintenance arrangements, I have taken advice and conclude the following is most appropriate to our situation:

• £250 into my account on the first of each month.
• half of any uniform purchases, school trips or school activities.

I have already purchased sons uniform costing £200. Please ensure half of this amount, along with your first payment of £250 clears in my account on the 1st September 2014.

Collection of your belongings:
I have bagged up several items. They will need collecting ASAP. I will leave them in the front garden for collection. If you prefer to collect when we are out we will be out on Sunday from approximately 12-4pm. I will be taking the bags to the dump on friday 29th Aug 2014 if they have not been collected.

I've been reading the thread and the only thing that keeps occurring to me is: your son is 11. He knows his mind. Would it not be better to say: "It would be best if you emailed our son yourself, so he can make up his mind as to how much he wants to see you."
That cuts out all your arrangements for access for your son. You may think it is best for him to have a relationship with his father, but what about your son? He is not a baby and he may resist the more, the more you organise things for him.

I think it would be best if he emailed son - however it seems he has chosen not to do this.

Not your problem?

Very much my problem. Son starts school in 10 days time.

But I keep thinking: your partner doesn't want to, your son doesn't want to, why are you pushing it? Lots of people in the school he is going to will have one parent only. Inform the school that your son's father has done a bunk, that your son is mighty hurt and does not want contact.

How is it going to help him having contact with someone who doesn't want him? At least at the moment he has some control.

Made a few small changes. Have just sent email. Thank you all once again.

I am glad to see that you have made provisions for Son. I can clarify that I am not impeding your relationship with him in any way, and will continue with this going forward in this situation. However, son currently does not wish to have any contact with you. I am encouraging him to think otherwise, but for now you will have to accept that your actions have caused him immense upset and pain.

In the interim other decisions need to be made.

Contact arrangements (if and when son* decides he wishes to have contact):

Friday and/or Saturday night every other weekend. Son* can decide if this is one or two nights.
One school night per week. 6pm - 8pm. Day to be confirmed at a later date.

Maintenance arrangements. I have taken advice and conclude that the following is most appropriate to our situation:

You pay £250 into my existing account on the 1st of each month.
You pay half of any uniform purchases, school trips, school holidays or school activities.

I have already purchased sons* uniform for the start of term costing £200. Please ensure half this amount, along with your first payment of £250 has cleared in my account by the 1st September 2014.

Collection of your belongings:

I have bagged up several items which need collecting ASAP.
I will leave them in the front garden for collection. If you would prefer to collect while I am out I will be at my parents from 12pm - 4pm tomorrow. I will not be held accountable if any items are stolen or get wet while they sit in the garden.

If the bags are not collected by first thing Friday morning (29th Aug 2014) I will take the bags to the dump.

If you believe that any other of your personal items remain in my home please send a list which I will consider ASAP.

You may, at this point want to consider contacting son* directly via his email address.

I think you've got a good letter there.

As for the universal 'woe is me letters' - it's rather uncanny isn't.

I agree with others the self-pity may turn to anger when you don't host the pity party...STBXH I am looking at you.

Thankfully, you don't have a divorce to content with so he can do one. The fact that he already has means you can ignore the 'Rage Rave' too.

I have been following your thread. I think you've handled the whole situation brilliantly.
Your last email is spot on. Good luck.

I shiver at the thought of what I would have sent if it wasn't for you lot. Thank you. Sorry this thread has been all about me and I have not always responded to individuals who are in the same boat. My head is full at the moment but I will find a way of paying it forward one day.

Now the wait commences! Luckily I have things to be getting on with. Done my second online shop with morning and have ordered bits and pieces for sons room. I now have to go and finish of sons wardrobe as the missing side was delivered while we were away. Fun.

It's your thread, so it will be about you and that is fine!

That is an excellent reply!!

You've nothing to apologise for. It truly is a tough time.

Enjoy the mantling of furniture.

It's your thread!

You know, he does deserve to know how his actions have impacted on you, not necessarily a ranting railing email - but he took himself off without notice or even a chance for you to have your say. That was thought through and planned out - aided by sister so it wasn't on a whim. He says its about fear of confrontation well sometimes you have to find a pair when you are going to do something as huge as what he did. Yes you might have lost it big style but so what if he's defending his actions as best for all - then he can surely stand his ground confident this is what's needed. MY only fear for you is in not getting yr chance to say it as it has been for you, that will always lurk. It only needs saying once but he needs to own it. Polite business like emails will leave someone like him thinking he's done the right thing and you are in agreement - what and how he did it was very unkind. He should email son direct this is his bridge to build and son can say what he wants direct. My children deal with their father by email and it works very well I have to say - this includes ignoring his emails if they are fed up with him.

Someone on another thread referred to an ex as spineless. It's such a good word to describe these men who run away, much better than their own choice of words which is usually "likes to avoid confrontation". Spineless, it sums up your partner perfectly INeed.

Middle I do agree that at some point ineed will need what they always described on Friends as 'closure'. And I think that this should be on her terms and at the right time for her. That's true.

I am not sure that he deserves to know anything though. Particularly whilst Ineed is unclear as to how he would receive and process that information. Until it is certain that he can fully accept the consequences of his cowardice, I am not sure he would be able to hear what op says in a way that she would want him to. Getting him to 'own it' is easier said than done.

I thought your email was excellent. His wailing and whining was given no acknowlegment and I bet that wasn't what he expected.
Putting your son above all else is a trait he should learn.

Well done Ineed.

One of the best things about your email is that you don't engage with his statements about how he is feeling. Your refusal to get embroiled in that.

Another of the best things is that you haven't laid yourself bare. You haven't given him the opportunity to ignore you, and I think that's protected you from hurt.

Middle In principle I agree with you, however, in practice it invites a whole load of additional issues to contend with. Firstly, you can't control him taking ownership of it. He has to choose to do that.

What often happens is that you get a load more self-centred and infuriating and bewildering emails back. There's no justification in the world for what he's done that's going to make this sudden change easier to comprehend.

There's no closure when you go down the route of sharing grievances, it's tit for tat competitive woe-is-me.

Stop that starting is the advice we've all given because his decision is going to impact her, him and the son in both positive and negative ways.

She's not going to get closure right now - that comes later, when you've adapted and accepted the huge change, when you've found some of the benefits of the change.

Right now, coping is the order of the day. Her Coward is right that Time Heals - but whilst writing emotional emails is cathartic, sending them, however, is the route to madness.

Oh god!! I sent the 'I hate you mail' in a fit of anger.

Bugger!

Don't beat yourself up about that.

Do you feel better for it? If so - fine. If not, lesson learnt! You may get a response from him, but he may in turn completely ignore it.

It's not a hanging offence, just not adviseable 'tis all.

So don't feel bad - and try not to send anything in anger again (please?).

I do feel better. I.do not care if he replies or not. I have had my say. Apart from day one I have not cried. Is that odd ?

Actually I don't think it matters that you sent 'I hate you mail' there is know reason why he should not have it spelt out to him what his actions have done to both you and your DS. He can spout all he wants about having some sort of breakdown, not being in his right mind. But his actions have had/is having an effect his ds whether he likes it or not.

Good for you -it doesn't really matter whether he gets it/takes it/understands it - it needed saying. A conflict avoider will always deny stuff. My OH used to say 'but I thought you were OK with things' - no I'm making things OK for the sake of our children but I am in no way OK about yr actions. He used to think my being reasonable and unemotional meant we are onto a 'friends' basis - we can be civil now but if it wasn't for the kids there would be absolutely no contact and no desire for it so why pretend its something its not. You may well be still to angry and shocked to cry - it comes at odd times that. If yr son decides to have contact you may find the first in on yr own could be a sad one so get stuff planned if you can.

We're still here OP, cheering you on.