DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

Yes springy, me too! I love your translations of it, WWK, because that's exactly how I read it too. The bit that pissed me off most was the 'if you are willing to let him' bombshell. talk about trying to gain the moral high ground. What a total fuckwit.

I am still reading. Still listening. Still taking advice.

It is weird though. I do not see his last email as emotionally cruel. It did not register with me in that way.

I saw it as weak and pathetic

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. How about... He is weak and pathetic and cannot face what he has done so he has selfishly sacrificed you and your son's feelings to protect his own. It is cruel, not necessarily in a Machiavellian way but still cruel. He is putting himself above all others.

Yes I too read it as weak and pathetic. It also made me think you are well out. It's just the manner he's done it in and this phase which is horrible.

You did say about your (non) marriage. I remember now sorry

It was weak and pathetic. It was the (further) actions of a coward.

But "emotionally cruel" are strong words; that said I'm not going to dispute them.

His email has led you to react emotionally, and by your own writing on here, clearly caused you some upset and sleeplessness to the extent you've written back (albeit not sent) an emotionally charged response.

It also alleges you are the one preventing contact. Judging you from what you've written here, that's rather unfair. To suggest you do not have your son's best interest at heart is pretty callous.

We all encourage you to encourage your son to have regular access. You too are adamant about that but his letter is rather half-hearted at encouraging it.

Emotionally abused is possibly a better term to describe his email. His behaviour, however, has been cruel.

Generally, in life, it's best you leave people feeling okay about themselves. His letter didn't do that for you. It doesn't appear to do that for your son.

The only person who seems okay with his actions is him.

It matters not tbh. Don't waste time on analysis. Focus forwards because this is your new future and he doesn't figure in it other than the limited amount needed to sort finances and contact.

emotionally abused should read as emotionally abusive

This is so hard. On one hand I feel as though i have nothing to say to him. On the other hand I have not responded to his email since Tuesday and feel that he 'deserves' a response.

Can I read your latest post as "I want to do the 'right' thing' e.g. to ignore is rude?

You could respond with. I'm away and will contact you on my return. Just that? Then put it to the back of your mind and go and be on holiday :)

Yes Well - exactly that (wrongly or rightly). Front - I have now returned from holiday.

It is also in the back of my mind that son starts school soon - if possible i would like son to have contact with coward sooner than later.

Not sure about that Front as to my mind it communicates 'Fuck Off'. (Although, I totally agree with the sentiment!)

INeed - are you back from your holiday? If not, then don't communicate at all. You, after all, are still having WIFI ishoos - let them postpone you dealing with his email.

If you are back, then as Front et al, and me, have urged you send a practical email to try to encourage access and maintenance.

But don't entertain the emotional stuff.

No marriage, no holiday, me no keeping up!!

Doh. I shall go to sleep as I'm obviously addled in the head.

grr typed and lost it ...

Short version:

I stupidly said that I loved him in my first email to him after his 'bombshell' ... call it shock or what ever. I do not feel this but hence me wanting to making my feelings clear to him. Any way round this?

Okay - so we have a problem of two halves.

1. the parenting

2. you

I'll deal with 1)

You want a reliable pattern between the three of you to be settled before your son goes to Sec. School.

You would like this to be in place (trialled) before the school year starts (and the clock is ticking)

This is of more importance than your feelings on Coward's behaviour.

The complication is your son isn't currently willing to engage with any trial.

It probably goes without saying to you, but I'll point out the obvious all the same: Your son is 11 - all he wants is his life to stay the same. So as long as he ignores the change, he will be willing it to become 'normal' again.

So the real issue you are dealing with is that you are acutely aware that his 'normal' is his 'used to be'.

So you need a) to set aside your emotions, b) to re-establish a father/son relationship and c) to have this happen before he starts secondary school.

Is this a coherent way of expressing your thinking?

The 2) He deserves nothing of you. You are hurt, angry and pissed off. You're overwhelmingly concerned with 1 (above) but you are still an adult with feelings, and you're still the woman having to manage the son, and the hurt.

On both matters you will continue to get our support and empathy. He's a coward: You want us to slag him off, we'll promise to form a disorderly queue!

So your real issue is between your hurt, your son's bewilderment, and the Coward's dictating the new future - which is rather simplistic at best.

And yet, you put yourself under the pressure of being the 'sensible' adult.

Now, why are you beating yourself up on how hard that is?

The last question, if it does not come across well, is that you have entered the phase of 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't'.

KOKO.

We've cross posted.

On the I love you thing: I did the same.

I fucking hate him sometimes. I just wish it was all the time.

I read his email as a pile of self-pitying, passive aggressive bullshit.

He's trying to say: I couldn't help how I acted - that's just how I am and you have to accept it. Woe is me.

Twat

And FWIW INeed, I thinkwe've all done the love thing (see - so much of this is so universal it's uncanny!). My advice, just pretend it didn't happen and move on from it!

God you lot are good. Sorry fell asleep. Been awake for a while mulling things over. I have to respond because I need son to have contact (for his sake) - the longer he leaves it the harder it will be. WhoKnew - you are of course correct, he is currently pretending. He told his friend he is just 'trying to make the best of things'. How about:

I am glad to read you have made provision for our son. Can I clarify, that I am not impeding your relationship with your son, and I will not going forward, but currently he does not wish to have contact with you. I am encouraging him to think otherwise, but for now, you will have to accept that your actions have caused him considerable upset.

In the interim other decisions need to be made.

Contact arrangements:
Friday and/or Saturday night every other weekend (son can decide if it is one or two nights)
Evening (returning home) one school night each week - day TBC at a later date.

Maintenance arrangements:

• £250 into my account on the first of each month.
• half of any uniform purchases, school trips or school activities.

I have already purchased sons uniform costing £200. Please ensure half of this amount, along with your first payment of £250 clears in my account on the 1st September 2014.

Collection of your belongings:
I have bagged up several items. They will need collecting ASAP. I will leave them in the front garden for collection. If you prefer to collect when we are out we will at my mum's from 12-4pm on Sunday. I will be taking the bags to the dump on friday 29th Aug 2014 if they have not been collected.

Well, I think that is a truly excellent response. Not a word too much and covering the most important and immediate concerns.

I can't say that this will happen in your case, but be ready in case the conciliatory and 'I am weak, I have done wrong' attitude doesn't last. Some ex's seem to take...offence, perhaps? when you don't engage with their morose bullshit. The kicked puppy act fades away in place of accusations and blame-shifting.

Your email makes it clear that you aren't going to interfere with the relationship between your son and ex (I think his inference that you might stop him having contact is disgusting btw) but some of them find it easier to blame others rather than acknowledge their own child is so disgusted by their behaviour that they don't want to see them, and you'll be first up in the firing line.

None of this may happen, of course. But it's best to be prepared just in case. It's a great email. Perfect matter-of-fact tone.

Brilliant response. That is just perfect

Yes, I like that response too. It says everything it needs to.

up is right, his attitude may well change and with breathtaking disregard for any recent history. Mine did just that and underlined to me how much engaging with him on any emotional level just wasn't going to help me in any way because everything he was saying was about making him feel better and to help him live with the piss poor decisions he had made. Obviously my ex is not the same as your coward but it constantly surprises me on here how utterly and un imaginatively predictable the behaviour becomes.

The only thing I would add to it is:

• I would change considerable to 'very considerable' or even 'immense'. Keeping it businesslike is the way to go but factually reporting the level of distress of your child seems reasonable to me.

• above the bit with the maintenance and contact I would add 'I have taken advice and conclude the following is most appropriate to our situation .. '

This implies you've been to a solicitor, which should put the shits right up him.

I would take out the bit about where you are going to be on Sunday (none of his beeswax) but I am somewhat wary about him knowing when the house is going to be empty. Could someone housesit for you on Sunday? You don't need to give him a time when he can collect the stuff without seeing you both, but clearly it would be better for your son not to be aware that his dad's been to the house without bothering to see him.

Just read his email, are you sure it's not from my husband? So glad to see others identifying it as worming out of responsibility, taking the moral high ground etc. - it is exactly what has done my head in, and I've had no-one else to confirm that these things are not just my nasty imagination.

It is hard not to let your unpleasant feelings slip into your correspondence without your noticing, though, isn't it? Presumably that is their problem too, I mean. Takes so long to write these emails, what with all the deleting, and I'm still not satisfied with some of them.