DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

It really doesn't matter if we like it. We are only bystanders on your life. I valued advice when I divorced but I didn't always take it.

Some advice was correct but I wasn't ready for it.
Some advice would have fuelled a pointless argument. Pick your battles...
Sometimes the are no right answers just a range of options and it's a case of picking the least worse

I hope we give you support and strength to stand firm and parent your son well. A demoralised and downtrodden parent isn't good.

If it feels better then that is a good thing.

Agree with everyone else - you are only answerable to yourself. If you get it right - well done, if it's doesn't go according to plan - so be it and make a new plan.

Advice and support is great, but you're best placed to decide for you.

Just seen this thread. What a cowardly arse your ex sounds. You, on the other hand, sound like you are managing really, really well in absolutely awful circumstances. Your son is so lucky to have you.

Ok hit me with it - honest opinions? Too passive aggressive? Too long?

Let me clarify. I am aware what little was left of our relationship is finally over. I am relieved and like you feel this is best for all involved. Six year ago I tried to talk to you (for the first time) and explained how unhappy I was living with you. That I was unhappy living in a loveless, passionless relationship where communication, affection and real togetherness was rare. It was around this time that I realised that I was no longer ‘in’ love with you. I was able to get many of my needs met by others and convinced myself staying together was best for our son. After all, we never argued and our life from the outside seemed ok. Although not ‘in’ love I loved you as the father of my son.

However, after your disgustingly cowardly and selfish behaviour I am struggling to even like you currently. I still can not believe you have done this to your son. You have written that you love him but I am afraid your actions speak louder than your words.

It did not have to be like this . This is of your making. It has been almost three weeks since you have seen your son.

I am still angry on your son’s behalf that you decided to choose your needs over his. Lets just pretend for a moment that I believe your ‘my head was in a mess’ statement. I assume your sister is of sound mind? No? Maybe she was in a mess too? Why else would she not tell you what a selfish coward you were being to your son?? …to her nephew ?? What kind of aunty wouldn’t say something?

I have allowed your son to read a few parts of your emails so that he can see that you have written that you love him. I remind him every day of your love for him and he is aware I will support him in having initial contact with you. I have offered to help him write to you. He remains angry, hurt and confused and does not want any contact with you. He has taken to sleeping in my bed with me.

If son decides he would like to have contact with you, I will initially be happy for him to stay with you for one or two nights every other weekend, if this is what he wants - he can decide if it is one or two nights. I will be flexible and will expect the same from you if you ever needed to change weekends. For the foreseeable future your son will not be staying with you on a school night. However, there maybe room to negotiate you taking him out for dinner once a week.

Moreover, I have contacted the CSA regarding maintenance payments. We can make this as formal or informal as you like. I expect you to put £250 into my account on the first of each month. Furthermore I will expect you to contribute half of any uniform purchases, school trips or school activities. I have already purchased sons uniform costing £200. I will expect half of this amount along with your first payment on the 1st September 2014.

I do not know what more I can do to support your son in contacting you. You may have to prepare yourself that he will never want to.

It is full of your anger and emotion. Personally, I wouldn't send it. I would send something very short and very factual and stick to business.

For example, replace the first three paragraphs with something like, "Despite me reassuring him that you love him, our son is understandably very hurt and confused by your behaviour".

I agree with Vivacia

I'm sorry to be blunt but if your aim is to hurt him. Or make him feel guilty, you are wasting your time I'm afraid. He doesn't care what you think.

I would gather together all my dignity and hold on tight to it. Bleieve me, you will be glad you did.

Make it short. Factual. Only about money and your DS. Nothing else.

I agree. This is 10 times longer that what he sent you - there was nothing in his communication to suggest he wished to engage in an email discussion about the end of your marriage. If you say all that and then he just ignores it (because he can) - what then? You've thrown away the opportunity to say the words to him when he has to listen to you.

You are using your son as a weapon in the way you've written the email. It isn't for you to decide what the contact arrangements will be on your own (whilst I fully appreciate how he has unilaterally decided contact shall be zero for the last three weeks). Plus why make it easy for him? Let the fucker suggest the contact schedule and put a bit of spadework into it.

And why have a pop at the sister? None of this is her fault. You've no idea what she's said to him that he's chosen to ignore.

I would just note that your son is deeply upset by his behaviour and has indicated that he does not intend to make contact at this time.

This bit is really hard OP. You need to communicate. But that is your need. He obviously isn't going to engage because he left, rather than even start a conversation. So anything you write is for you. Don't think it will impact on him.

I understand why you have written all of that and personally if it helps you I'd say send it but then draw a line on that way of communicating. From then it's businesslike as you might with a difficult staff member, colleague or customer at work.

I agree with condensing all the thought and emotion into a factual simple sentence such a V has suggested. Hoping to appeal to his conscience or express your hurt is wasted energy.

I wish wish wish I had had advice like this when I was in the midst of my shitstorm. Please listen. I know you think we don't know your particular pain but trust me, some parts of these things are depressingly universal.

I was given good advice and like I said earlier, I cherry picked -advice that worked for me which meant at times ignoring advice I was given and other times following advice that felt wrong or went against my gut response.

I found it very hurtful to be criticised at all during this phase. I was too sensitive and so taking advice was really hard. Mine came from a close friend who I knew respected me so I found it easier ...slightly. We are just strangers but ...yes I've been through the shitstorm so have some idea

INeed you've written one of those letters that is incredibly cathartic to write - now I'd recommend you burn it in some Anti-Coward Demonic Ritual. Like others, it's best not sent.

Go back to the advice by that worked to sway you from doing this before (12 August):

The power for him not to reply to me sentences just hit me in the stomach...and makes sense. He would do that and i would be mighty fucked off. I am sick of feeling angry and do not want to be part of anything that will make me angrier. For today I will have the motivation for no contact.

I reiterate my advice: Stay NC until you are through the ragey feelings. Your feelings of anger and disappointment on behalf of you son, are completely justified. WE all know that. I too think about how STBXH lied to his family and yet they still love him. They are, however, devastated by his decision as well. I am NC from them, not because they have done anything wrong (aside from sharing DNA), but because he's trying to use them to get to me. It's sad, but I cannot allow anyone to justify his behaviour for my own sanity. I have enough on my plate just coping with the consequences. Excuses I have no time for.

A Coward cannot manage your feelings. They will do anything to mitigate their actions and avoid taking responsibility.

Sad, frustrating and true.

IMO father and son need to see each other sooner rather than later. It will benefit your son, now and in the long run.

I know you're hurting but the future is what is important now.

Thank you all. The advice I get here is invaluable.. you are right Well... I needed to write it down but not send it.

No I am not trying to hurt him... yes my son needs to see him asap - but is refusing too. Like fast has pointed out it is good to get it on paper. I wondered if his last email would be useful for you all to read. I have not sent my email... I will be sending something tomorrow though. What ...I am undecided.

Ineed.

I am sorry the way this happened and the pain I have caused. Our relationship is at an end. You can call it cowardly but because of the type of person I am I do avoid confrontation, which is something I could work on a little harder.

As I said before, I was never unfaithful. I did get some help moving, but it was from sister, who I am now sharing a house with just outside a place not far from me .

I went away alone because I felt it was on the edge of some kind of breakdown and could not think clearly or straight.

The house has a room for son* and he can stay whenever he likes if you are willing to let him. During school term I can either drop him off or he can get a bus directly to school, whichever he chooses.

I assume he still chooses not to email me, which I understand. I love him dearly, more than anything and always will. I will ask for his forgiveness and promise him that I will be the best dad I can possibly be. Time can only heal what I have chosen to do. I still feel everyone concerned will be much happier in the long run.

...and do not worry about being blunt. I am not feeling particularly vulnerable. This is all learning for me ... even from strangers.

Ok, here's a start for you to improve,

"Dear Chris,

Despite me reassuring him that you love him, our son is understandably very hurt and confused by your behaviour. Be reassured that I've constantly ensured he has ways of contacting you.

In the longer term I think we should move to the following contact arrangements:
Friday and/or Saturday night every other weekend.
Evening (returning home) one school night each week.

I contacted the CSA and they suggest the following maintenance arrangements:

• £250 into my account on the first of each month.
• half of any uniform purchases, school trips or school activities.

I have already purchased sons uniform costing £200. Please ensure half of this amount, along with your first payment mof £250 clears in my account on the 1st September 2014.

INeed.

Reading that makes me think that you will in the future gave a 'good' relationship with the father of your child. For now...no. He thinks he was going to have a breakdown...ok. I can understand this might be a fact but he did what he felt he needed to do for himself. You have to do the same and that doesn't mean prioritising coward.

I think both you and your son need to have your feelings and hurts palliated. For your son that might mean ignoring his Dad. Tit for tat. Dad will have to suck it up until son is ready. I'm sure he will be when he gets past his immediate hurt

For you I suspect it's a little more complicated. It sounds as if you both know the relationship had come to an end but were staying together for your son. To have sprung this on you in such a cowardly way is shocking.

In time I think you will come to see he has done you a favour...plus his guilt might make him easier to deal with as you sort your divorce out. Avoid emotional emails. They only drag you both into conflict. Just be kind to yourself and don't look to him for any appeasement of your hurt.

Actually that language is quite clunky. It's not even that good a first draft. Sorry INeed.

Sorry both of you. I did mention wayyy up thread that we were not married. No divorce to go through. House mine, car mine, I have money.

In my head i want him to know that I am glad it is over, the hurt he has caused his son, that I am doing every thing i can to support son and am not slagging him off to son, that I have no idea about contact because son doesnt want it but in the future every other weekend is fine with me and that he needs to put 250 a month into my account.

grrrrr

Oh, an opportunity to read between the lines:

"I'm sorry the way this happened" = I was abducted by aliens and forced to do this on pain of death.

"You can call it cowardly....because of the person am I avoid..." = I am a Coward, I just don't like the word so I will use 100 words instead to avoid using the most succinct one that you have quite adequately used.

I felt it was on the edge of some kind of breakdown = Don't worry, it could be worse - I might make you feel you too are now on the edge of a breakdown with my actions, but I know you can postpone yours to deal with mine, and bring up our son at the same time.

...If you are willing to let him = Sure, it's you deciding not to encourage access, not my cowardly abandonment, and subsequently being unobtainable and on holiday at place unknown, that has upset our son. Well look on the bright side of life: one of us does care for the kid's feelings even when they are not there to manage them.

Time will only heal what I have chosen to do = But hey, I'm the man with a solution to every problem. Even if it's just a cliche.

Dear Coward,

I am glad to read you have made provision for our son. Can I clarify, that I am not impeding your relationship with your son, and I will not going forward, but currently he does not wish to have contact with you. I am encouraging him to think otherwise, but for now, you will have to accept that your actions have caused him considerable upset.

In the interim, I would be grateful to hear your proposals for maintenance. The CSA website calculator is www.whatever-it-is.com if you need assistance.

INeed.

Does that work for you?

I totally understand what you are going through...my husband of 10yrs left me just over 5 weeks ago and I am now on the holiday we booked last year with my 3yr and 13yr old children. I did find out my husband had been having an affair with a girl at work, he did not have the balls to tell me so I had to do my own detective work to catch him out. The new woman can give him what I can't...all her attention. Since we arrived I have had two text messages...one to see how we all were and the other to ask me if a change to his tax code was bad news...could not believe it!
I know that this may sound silly but trust me when I say that as the days go by and the initial pain starts to fade you will like me look at your son and think that such a self absorbed twat is not worthy of their children and that you actually deserve so much better than him...selfish people always end up alone. Be strong, eat and most importantly whenever you think about the situation go and do something with your son, your holiday will be over before you know it and you will regret the time you wasted on him x

Oh, just seen that we've cross posted.

Your actions of 'indifference' to his leaving is far more telling, than any words.

Keep up the indifference.

Work on the son's needs (which I believe you are doing).

WellWhoKnew is absolutely right. Rage away here but he does not deserve to see how you are feeling, he is not able to respond to it, this is now your privacy. He lost his rights to all of that. Silence is more telling.

That email from him got me riled, and I'm not even involved. I could punch him, frankly. What a slime, superior to boot. Yuk.

He has been, and continues to be, emotionally cruel, justifying himself to the hilt. You are asking for (more) pain if you go for him: he is - possiby always has been - resolute that he will not hear you, refuses to hear you. Please do not let him know he has hit the mark. Rant on here, ice with him - or, rather, factual. Get far, far away from him, cut ties as much as possible. From now on in he is not privvy to your inner world. He is emotionally cruel.

I sincerely hope the opportunity arises for you to run him through with a dagger at some future date.

Me too Springy, me too!

At least my STBXH sent a pithy one:

"It's all my fault and I'm sorry".

After that period of enlightenment, all I've had is shitty decrees. So it bodes well for INeed - in that he'll accept whatever she decides.

KOKO INeed - you're doing okay, you really are.