DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

That's exactly it. Until there are concrete questions or proposals in his email, there is no need for a response at all, especially on holiday.

Def don't rush to reply, just put it all to back if your mind and continue to enjoy what sounds like a fab holiday with your son :) useless dick isn't in least bit important so can wait till you're back for answers, unless, as others have said, it's purely practical re son, but even then, only very short to the point response needed, and when you have the time, not instantly - having fun with your lovely boy is so much more important :) x

I agree with others...Sounds like you are having a marvellous time.. Don't let it get in the way of any fun..Regardless of anything he can't see your son right now he is on holiday.

I would also wait for a question. It is very gamey to me his email with no direct questions.

Like others I'd propose you reply at a time convenient to you, and it's rather unfortunate that you're struggling with WIFI right now. Perhaps when you get back from your holidays would be more convenient?

But also, there's no pressure for you to reply - there's nothing in there that needs urgently dealing with (he's a low priority nowadays).

I also noted along with the other posters, from what you've written, there's an utter lack of proactivity on his part to do anything but focus on himself.

You've two options - a cold email that addresses the practical issues you need resolving.

1. Outline what you would like by way of maintenance for you son, when it should be paid and how.

2. Outline a proposal for access, times, frequency and when the should start.

But you may feel that you're done with being the one who is the organised, responsible person - and push back the onus on him by ignoring it (assuming that you can survive the short term without his maintenance, and your son is not pushing for contact yet).

In that case a short.

Dear Coward,

I have received your email and note your new address. Please arrange for you post to be redirected with immediate effect with Royal Mail.

Regards.

That way, any 'amends' he needs to make with his son is for him to engage with, and your son can continue to lead as and when he feels comfortable to re-establish contact.

Personally, I would go with the latter, because it makes a demand of him, and does not entertain his half-hearted apology. But I don't have young children to think of.

Thank you as ever for your advice and support. I have not replied to his email. I will do this on my return at the weekend.

I have come to terms with the no contact but am still struggling with not trying to get on with him for my sons sake.

I do actually think breaking up was the right thing to do... I just hate the way he did it. Help !

I think long term, getting on with him is a good aim. My worry is if you try to be gracious and nice in these early days it'll be thrown back in your face in some horrible way.

I've not posted on this thread thus far, but I've been following it with admiration for you OP.

The reason I am posting now is that, although I agree in the main with not communicating with your ex, when it comes to the subject of your son raised in the recent email, I disagree with advice here.

I agree that the response to his email should be business-like and to the point. But when it comes to the issue of 'making it up' to your son, I think it's for you to speak out here to explain how his actions have devastated your son. I think it needs to be expressed in a calm, objective, rational language - anything heated and impassioned he will dismiss as being motivated by your own bitterness - but I do think it needs to be said.

The reasons for this are as follows:

Your son is too young to be able to fully articulate to his father his feelings about his father's behaviour, and he may prefer to hide those feelings.

If you don't tell your ex exactly how his actions have impacted his son, he will never know, and he will be able to kid himself that actually what he did was fine, he can disappear with no word, and there were no major repercussions and it's all good. etc.

Leaving the family home with no warning, as he did, was just as much a betrayal of your son as you.

Your ex will want to be able to continue with your son as if nothing has happened, he will want your son to 'forgive' him & get back to normal asap, so that he can carry on without any guilt.

If your son were older he could articulate his anger, shock, disappointment, hurt, himself. But he's too young.

In summary I believe you should tell him, because if you don't, no-one will.
It's for you to explain that a father disappearing like that has consequences, that it was a betrayal, and that he has to take responsibility for those consequences.

I understand in posting this that others may not agree with me and that's fine. This is my personal opinion, this is what I would do, obviously, you are free to make your own choice.

Best of luck OP to you and your son.

It's okay - no one is saying 'NC' forever, just til YOU are passed the stage when you want to rage at him or try to understand him e.g. when you're emotional about what's he has done. It opens the door to getting more hurt because to justify it, they have to blame you or guilt you. You will never get satisfactory answers.

The first few weeks, and months for others (and in some cases years if not life) you are really vulnerable and very often the emotions get in the way of the practical arrangements, I think.

By not engaging, it stops you getting into a cycle of blame and inflame, as well as clearly stating that any attention-seeking behaviour will not have the desired effect.

It also gives you a sense of gaining control over a situation which you initially have zero control.

It gives YOU time to figure out how you're going to cope in the future. To determine how you want the future to be and how best to get there.

This thinking time is so valuable in steadying you emotionally.

I think NC for longer is BEST until you are certain you can deal with his correspondence by having the self-disclipline to bat away any shite, and just focus on using it to get what you need in practical terms.

You most certainly can get on with him for your son's sake - it's just going to be difficult at first. BUT IT ALSO DEPENDS ON HIM GETTING ON WITH YOU for his son's sake. For some exes - that remains a real problem.

Take the time, and when you do break NC, it's to resolve an issue of a practical nature (e.g. your son wants to see him and you need to arrange contact). That way it's unemotional.

In time, once you've adjusted to your new life, then there's plenty of time to build up a good parenting relationship. But it's careful and deliberate planning - don't rush anything.

Does that make any sense?

PS I hope you're both still have a marvellous holiday, and his email hasn't thrown you too off kilter.

Thank you all. I think I get this now... it is starting to make more sense.

Twink... one of my two emails I sent him over a week ago was only about how his actions have effected his son .. I was clear to the point.. was not about me only son. But when I email him I may well reinforced this point.

Coward hasnt emailed son.. I like to think it is becase he is leaving initial contact to son. But I do not know if this is the case.

Wellwho...perfect sence as always.

Working this through in my head.

Great advice here.

I agree long term you want a good businesslike relationship for your son. However Coward does not get to dictate either the time of contact with you or focus it on his needs. He chose to ban contact whilst he was away. He should respect your break

There is plenty of time to respond. Give yourself enough time to be able to keep it calm and businesslike.

You are on holiday. Enjoy.

Ah ok, forgive me I must have missed that. Good luck OP.

I agree. Of course you must - in time - have a civil co-parenting relationship with your ex. That's in the best interests of your ds. The question is how you best get there when you are reeling from his utter betrayal. And absolutely minimal contact is the best way to set yourself on the road to recovery. Minimal and factual, because that's how you regain your power in this horrible situation which you did not volunteer for.

Hope it hasn't overshadowed your day.

Terrible night sleep. My response to his email going round and round in my head. Knackered. Least HIS words were not being replayed over and over.

If you have the appetite get yourself a hearty breakfast to see you through the day. I always have bacon and eggs after a bad night's sleep to keep me going.

Have not posted before but full of admiration for you, Ineed. Do hope that Coward will not spoil your holiday with his wretched email. How about a quick reply to him to get it off your chest, so that you can continue to enjoy your holiday and look after yourself and your lovely ds

Dear Coward

You have your son's email address if you wish to make contact with him. He is, of course, preparing for his start at his new secondary school, but will no doubt reply when he is ready, should you choose to be in touch with him.

Ineed.

Thanks both. Had a big breakfast and not feeling too bad. Had a great morning with son and have made a canvas print he designed for his room. Swimming after lunch will hopefully help me sleep tonight.

I might hunt down a pen and paper later and get the words down so I can forget about them.

Thanks both. Had a big breakfast and not feeling too bad. Had a great morning with son and have made a canvas print he designed for his room. Swimming after lunch will hopefully help me sleep tonight.

I might hunt down a pen and paper later and get the words down so I can forget about them.

Definitely do that.
I always have a pad and pen by my bed otherwise I would lay awake all night trying to remember the things that pop into my mind at randoms times of the night.
Glad your day is going well.
Swimming always knocks me out.
Hope you sleep well.

I think Twink's advice is spot on there - I agree that it is doubtful that your DS will be able to articulate to his father just how hurt and confused he has been feeling, and that it would be appropriate for you to make that clear to him.

I hope you've enjoyed the rest of your day.

One of the best things I did was email but save into drafts and always review a day later. It got the aaaargh off my chest but enabled me to temper my response.

I do think that you should be allowed a holiday without this angst. It may not be deliberate on his behalf but he's an arrogant tosser to think he can dictate when contact occurs, which he has done. Do not feel under obligation to respond to his timescales. He's lost that right. You will respond in a reasonable time and that's all that matters.

Wrote the email. Feels much better. I think it may not be to some peoples liking on here but for the moment I like it. I will post it tomorrow before I semd it on sat to coward. Like front says I may change it tomorrow anyway! Cheers all. KOKO

You're doing brilliantly.

I'm in awe of your strength. You sound amazing.

Well done on writing it.

It doesn't really matter what anyone on here thinks...People can give advise but none of us know coward or your son so only you know if it is the right thing to say.