DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

I am so relieved (and proud) that you didn't email.

(Also, I think you will get your answers one day, the actual facts. In my case they came about five years later, via his best mate. There'd been someone else).

He's called time on your relationship by email, he warned you there'd be no contact whilst he's away.

You are quite rightly hurting from the break up and the shitty way it was done by email, I totally understand that.

He then sends another email apologising because he knows in hindsight he was wrong to do it that way. He can't undo that, can only apologise.

You had a choice. You said yourself that in his first email he'd said he'd tell your son after he got back, and that he'd warned he'd be away and out of contact. You chose to tell your son yourself whilst he was away knowing that he'd be no contact.

You said by email you'd initiate the next contact sometime when you got back from your holiday once you'd established your son's feelings. You've also decided to take your child away which prevents the opportunity for contact, yet you're saying your son is hurting and feeling abandoned because there is no contact.

Of course your son is going to think he's been abandoned as that's what you yourself believe and have expressed on this thread.

You also say you'll wait for your son to want contact. Children of broken relationships not only tend to blame themselves for the breakup, but also then feel guilt at still loving and wanting to see the person who left because they know how hurt the partner that stayed is. They feel disloyal and confused.

I'd find that mobile, or get another one and ensure his dad has the number and can call and text whenever without needing you as intermediary. You've already acknowledge he avoids confrontation (which is why he sent stupidly split by email in the first place). This being the case it is vital that he doesn't have to confront you every time he wants contact with his son.

Also ensure your son has his dad's number and that he knows that dad is away which is why he can't be contacted, but is coming home on Tues (?). That since you've decided to take him away which contact in person, he can take the phone with him to receive and make calls then. That way he can initiate or receive contact without seeing the pain in your eyes every time and doesn't have to carry the guilt of causing you yet more hurt on his little shoulders.

Keep reiterating that his dad hasn't abandoned him, it's just that you and he weren't happy together and are splitting up. That his dad loves him very much and of course wants to see him, that you know he loves his dad too, that that's the way it should be and he should he should see his dad as much as possible.

I think that's hugely unfair joysmum. The OP did not 'choose' any of this. What was she supposed to do? Hide it from her son for almost 2 weeks while she was trying to deal with the huge bombshell in secret? She had no other option than to tell her son. Her idiot ex is the one who chose such a cowardly way to end the relationship and to take himself out of contact from his son. It was HIS choice not to be there for him, HIS choice to be out of contact.
The OP had to be honest with her son, its the least he deserves when his father has done such a shitty thing. At least he will understand his mums distress and she will not have to hide it and keep this secret until it suits her ex to bother to turn up and talk to the boy himself.

Yes she could of waited, just like many of us wait to break news that's not our to break alone. Of course that's a matter of opinion.

The way it ended won't have changed the fact that it was ended. How much of the pain the OP is feeling is down to the way the news was broken (which the husband realised was a mistake and apologised for) and how much because there is a breakup and that can't be avoided?

The rest of my post stands. He's not abandoned his child, she clearly thinks he has and so the son clearly thinks he has. She's a barrier to father and son seeing each other because contact has to go through her. The husband is proven to avoid confrontation, the son believes as she does that he's been abandoned. The son will also feel a raft of conflicting emotions about seeing his mum hurt, blaming himself and his dad and not wanting to cause her any more pain by loving and wanting to maintain a relationship with the man who caused it.

I'm sure many of us have parents who have split and can relate to this ourselves.

There's been a lot of focus on the OP and her feelings, quite rightly so, but there's not been much about the son. Extending the period of NC may be right for her, but is it right to let this situation be drawn out for the child?

I really feel for the OP because the responses she had have been about her, not her son. Unfortunately she's got to try to deal with her own grief and anger whilst maintaining a detached view to try to minimise the impact on her son.

He slept in with her, how much of that was because he needed comfort, how much because she did?

Wow joysmum. Your posts are vile. Of course he abandoned his son. Why should the op wait around in case he condescends to reappear. How is that good for her son? He may well not turn up.

The op is doing amazingly well. Her ds is lucky she is his mum.

Oh here we go. Please ignore her OP.

What has the dad done to stay in contact with his son while 'away'?? Did he leave specific requests in his fleeing email to have contact with his son by mobile? Nope, I don't believe he did but the OP can clarify that.

Whilst I understand joysmum reasoning that the son should be protected as much as possible and not feel abandoned, clearly this has been taken out of the OP's hands by her runaway husband's actions.

The OP is doing all the loving and protecting she can muster right now by the sounds of it.

Is she always like that then? I was considering a response but I won't bother if she's a serial stater of stupidity.
I wonder sometimes if people who comment have ever had the misfortune some posters have had on these boards.

Joy,

I see the point you're making but what I'm assuming is:

INeed has a mobile and possibly a landline.
The DP can pick up the phone and ring his son, should he choose to do.
The DP can text to make access arrangements.
The DP can email to make access arrangements: She hasn't blocked him, she's just compartmentalised him.

I think if INeed came here and said that she was blocking communication between them, she'd be asked not to. So I'm wondering if we're reading the same thread?

Nowhere have I read that she is obstructing the two of them having a conversation or a meet up. What she is doing is trying get through a terrible time, both for herself and her son.

Of course, her son is utterly bewildered - his family life as he knew it has just radically changed, and change does not necessarily mean better or worse. It is not of his choosing - and that is a 'normal' breakup. The issue we all feel sorry about is the abrupt and cowardly way it was done.

It hurts everyone.

The OP could pretend everything was okay for two weeks. Indeed, Ineed and exDP could have sat down together, at at time convenient for exDP, when he has returned from his holiday to say 'Ma and Pa loves you, but Pa doesn't live here any more'.

So for two weeks his life has been a lie. He's old enough to get that.

She has also decided to tell him now, whilst she has the time free from work, and, critically, before he makes the big jump to secondary school.

I would say 'timing' is everything in this situation: the fact that he already had a big change coming up (a milestone), she is now having now has to manage the collapse of family life as well.

I think INeed realises that her son IS the most important factor here.

An apology won't even to begin to cover it. She's not looking for ideas to punish the DP, she's looking for ideas on how to cope. How to best support her child.

If the son was writing on MN, he'd be given advice accordingly. If the DP was, so would he.

There is nothing fair about her situation, or that of her son's. Clearly there are mistakes to be made, but the DP is a parent too, the onus is on him just as much as INeed to take care of the welfare needs of the child. The onus is very much on DP to make contact with his son.

To pretend otherwise, is to permit irresponsible parenting.

The op is doing a brilliant job of dealing with her sins feelings and emotions whilst experiencing her own shock and grief. Unlike her husband who has allowed himself the luxury of time and space to ponder and reflect whilst planning his CHOSEN new life.

Rereading the Op's original post runaway dad left it up to her to make the decision for him on whether to tell their son now or keep the little surprise on hold for a week. Triple whammey of avoidance, abdication and abandonment, what a prize specimen of a man.

How on earth was the OP supposed to cover up the abandonment for two weeks Joy?

I certainly couldn't have hidden such a shock for two weeks. The dad even gave her specific permission - how kind - to tell her son, anyway.

INeed has already taken on the idea of making sure her son can contact his dad on his mobile. Unfortunately he'll have to wait until his dad deigns to pick up the phone before he can contact him. Yes, someone has been preventing contact. Who was it, now?

Making sure they can communicate on the mobile is a very generous act that frankly, this man doesn't actually deserve. Is he such a delicate flower that it would be cruel of INeed to make him phone on the landline to speak to the child he is supposed to be responsible for?

I'd be very careful about saying things like "I know you love your dad", btw. - I'm guessing that INeed has the emotional maturity to realise that telling her son what feelings he has is not great. What if he has different feelings right now? It could make him feel misunderstood or guilty.

Look, huge family shocks NEED to be shared, to a greater or lesser degree, collectively. It is not good to present a sanitised front to kids: this has been an almighty shock for them all, they need to face it together.

Yy we all know it's not the best to blub snot all over our kids as we grapple with agonising emotional pain; but neither is it good to present a cold and factual front, erasing our own pain from the presentation. This has hurt them all terribly, that's just how it is. They need to work through this together, as a team.

I specifically bridle at you referring to the OP in the third person re she/her. It's bloody rude, apart from anything else. The OP is here, in the very room as it were; if you want to drop a bomb from a height, at least do it respectfully.

take no notice op

The biggest thing I have learnt from my children was that the most trauma they suffered was the times we thought we were covering things up. They knew despite our best efforts that something was up. Not knowing and not being able to ask made them imagine all sorts of horror.

I'm talking about my marriage break up and various other family crises. This is something my oldest have said time and time again to me. It was much easier for them when they got to know, got to ask questions and deal with it.

I will now always, always involve children earlier.

I think, even if I thought joysmum was right, I'd be a little shocked at how you think criticising a past act can help OP? Just why?

This point in your life (just deserted) is the most upside down world turning, devastating, shock inducing and destroying of your esteem that I can think of. Why would anyone wander in and add to that?

Some years ago my then husband kissed me, took the kids to school, and went to work....I thought. He actually went missing for a month with no contact. When he returned he had sorted out a new life for himself, which he refused to talk about. I kept everything from the kids, aged seven and eleven....again so I thought.....and told them their dad was away for work. They are adults now, and whilst they have never blamed me, have said they always knew something was very wrong and wished I could have told them what little I knew at the time. That they suffered far more from the fear of the unknown than they would have if they had been given the truth. I still feel so very guilty about it, although I thought I was doing what was the best for them at the time.

Be honest with your lad I need, answer his questions as best you can, and surround him with your love. You can do no more.

joysmum I will respond to you once. Though I doubt you will reply - rest assured if you do, I will not read your utter rubbish.

Coward said in his original email that 'he would leave me to tell son, or I could wait and he would tell him on his return (at this moment in time i still do not even know if he will return let alone when). My son is 11 (12 in 2 months) and is not stupid. There was no way I could 'pretend' and even if I could that would have meant; 1) me lying to my son (which after being shat on by his dad I was not prepared to do. 2) Told him about the break up the week before he started secondary school (one in which he has no friends).

Son has a ipad which is exclusively his and therefore an email address. Coward could have written to him OR facetimed him at any point in private. I have ASKED son if he would like to email coward, HE is choosing not to. Both son and coward know each others email addresses.

SON decided that yes he would like to go away, to treat ourselves and to have a break. I suggested we could go this weekend and be back for cowards return - HE suggested we go for longer. HE does not yet feel ready to see coward.

Coward has not apologise for fucking off and not contacting his son....and frankly he COULD make amends by coming back earlier, calling, emailing or face timing his son.

SON asked if he could get into my bed last night after struggling to sleep, we didn't hug, we didn't talk because SON did not initiate any of that. I just listened out for him until he fell asleep.

I have not ASKED for any advice on how to manage my son because I do not need any. I know him best and have allowed him to dictate what he needs. No one can advice me on that. I have had many chats with son about how much is dad loves him, that he is not at fault in any of this, that his dad will understand if he doesn't feel ready for contact yet, that I will be happy for him to see his dad and that he (son) needs both of our love. I will not and have not jumped to any conclusions about how my son is feeling but have allowed him the time to talk when he has wanted too and reinforced how much is dad loves him. In rl 'abandoned' has not left my lips. I have been very careful when talking to son.

To everyone else.

We are doing ok today. Have been to friends house for lunch (Son's friend). Son and his friend went to the park. Son asked me before they went if he should tell his friend. I gave advice. Son decided to tell his friend while they were out. Unfortunately (and what more could you expect from an 11 year old) friend just said 'oh'. I have explained to son that sometimes people do not know what to say etc.

We are going to pack tonight/tomorrow and are BOTH very much looking forward to going away.

Ladyofspain. Thank you. I work every day with teenagers in care who are taunted everyday by a lack of knowledge about their lives and pasts....the reasons why things happened and about being kept in the dark about their OWN lives. I will not lie to my son but I will do my utmost to ensure he has a relationship with his father.

I haven't been around for a few days but have been following your thread from the beginning and now caught up.

You are truly inspirational. I have read so many posts about your son what he needs. I think you did completely the right thing telling your DS..He is not a toddler who won't understand.

I think Wallowing is also good so long as it doesn't take over your life what you thought you had you lost in one email and now will need time to grieve for the end of this relationship. I think it is also great modelling for your son that he see's you are angry, sad and everything else you feel . It teaches him not to bottle your emotions.

I do think that you might struggle more on holiday when you stop for a bit as you have been ( understandably) busy busy busy. Hopefully though you can use it to start a new chapter for you and your son.

What are the brothers relationship like. Can they chat about how younger son is feeling if older one has been through similar?

Also other thing I agree on is trying not to think what he would think about what you are doing.( Not easy) I can say from personal experience once you stop it makes you feel so much free er

Hope you have a good relaxing break away where ever you go

Quite, FrontForward, Quite - and that's twice on this thread some high-handed opinionated idiot has turned up and done that.

The departing spouse has had months to sort out their 'new' life, to consider it from every angle, to plan and prepare for it, to research what needs to be researched, and deal with their decision and to race off into their new life.

They left the 'starting blocks' quite some time ago.

The 'left behind' is just learning that. How the fuck is telling the one stood still with shock "to turn around and look to the past", going to assist face up to the present and begin the walk forward to the rest of their lives?

Unlike the departed, the remaining spouse doesn't get to rehearse this, s/he has to deal with it in real time.

OP: you and your son deserve happiness too. It's just a shame that the departed didn't hang around to think about that, and internet strangers have help you get you through.

Admission here is free, advice can be invaluable, most guests are valuable.

A few need to follow the departed.

As an aside, I was 3 when my parents split up. And I knew something was wrong without anyone having to tell me. My grandmother has told me I used to ask what was wrong.

Hopefully your son feels better for having had a chance to rehearse the words he'll use to tell others if he wants to. 'Oh' isn't a great reaction but I'm not sure most kids would really know what to say. Does he have any friends with divorced parents? They might be more help at the moment.

I think different opinions are useful and some of the most useful opinions I've been given, have countered my own BUT they need to be couched in a sensitive manner and really considered. Some twat wandering into my life, making a brief assessment, jumping to conclusions then reporting back their ill informed opinion could be very harmful.

Ineed you will be fine. I can tell you are a mum who will be fine because ...you are a mum. The need to give your DC a good childhood will drive you...does obviously drive you. This will carry you forward until a day when you will be happy just because