Of course I'm going to sound vial to some people by posting an opposing view.
I've declared my bias on this thread as coming prompted by being the feelings of a child who's parents divorced. I'm not trying to blame or make the OP feel dreadful, just to consider things from the perspective I had as a child in the same situation when my mum wrote my dad a Dear John letter.
I'm sorry if it comes across as rude by writing in the third person, but despite this being 25+ years ago, when I was older than the child in this situation, it's still very raw when I go back to those times. I write in the third person to try to gain some strength and perspective to express myself. Of course I can't know, only surmise what this little boy is feeling so I can't presume to speak for him. All I can do is tell my story in the hope it helps him somehow.
I know there are those on mumsnet that troll, simply looking for a fight or attention. I'm not one of those. I've kept my name and declared my bias. It actually took at lot of guts to stand up as disagree with the majority and say I don't believe the advice offered so far is in the best interests of the child. I can only go on my personal perception of what's been written, I know from my own recent thread that people put their own twist on things due to their own experiences (just as I've done here) and that's to be expected. There are also always going to be those that believe nobody has the right to disagree with anyone going through a tough time and that it should all be blanket sympathy.
I also won't post again because every doubt I want to raise to ensure it's being considered from the perspective I have from having gone through this as a child myself will have been raised. Some things might apply, some might be way off the mark. It doesn't matter to me if I'm right or wrong. I just hope that something positive can come from me sharing the hurt I experienced as a child to make what that little boy is going through a touch easier while everyone else comforts the OP.
To those ridiculing waiting to tell the child, I recently lost one of my best friends recent to cancer. She knew it was terminal but she chose to wait until McMillan had a nurse available to be there too so the children were best supported and told in the best way for them. It was hard for her to wait. I was ready to tell my child immediately but needed to wait because the children are best friends too, it was hard but I feel I did the right thing in waiting, as did she. It's a matter of opinion whether it's right to wait or to tell. Tell or not, what happens next is the most important bit.
An 11 year old child won't possess the maturity to process quickly the myriad of feelings raised by the break up of their parents. They will react to what they see happening now which is an understandably hurt mum and a dad to blame. That's going to affect everything that child expresses to the mum.
The dad knew this was coming but decided to go away and go no contact.
The OP is as affected by that as by the split and yet has been advised to do exactly the same thing by going away!
The child has been asked his opinion on this, but realises it's being presented as what mum thinks is best so not only agrees but suggests longer. I did the same as a child to protect my dad (in my case), it was nothing to do with my needs, just me trying to make things better for him.
If I'm right in thinking there's just been the original email from the father and then the second one where he realised he was a dick to do it by email, there's every chance he's not checked email again and seen the OP's one about her initiating contact when her son decides to. Or he might have seen and then will see that email from her and be respect her wishes and waiting for her to make the next move (as per her analysis he's a good guy who avoids confrontation). By waiting, he'll be merely confirming his sons opinion that he's been abandoned. By the OP prolonging the time before father and son can see each other it's also going to have the same affect. Neither of which are what's best for the child.
She doesn't know the fathers intensions but has herself said he's one of the good guys who avoids confrontation. He made a bad decision but is is one of those who seeks to hurt both mother and child intentionally? If not, they both need to at least communicate to present a united front (but not necessarily together) to the child to reassure him he's loved by both, it's not his fault and that he doesn't have to pick sides. That it is hard and everyone is hurting and that's normal.
There was an earlier post stating how the OP's own mother, a professional, disagrees with the OP about the situation, I wonder how?
OP I know you said you doubted I'd reply. I have because this is what I needed somebody to tell my parents to best help me, I'm very openly massively projecting, just as others who look at this from the perspective of having been left by a partner have also done throughout this thread.
In case you are reading this OP, it's clear you're a wonderful parent doing your best. I sincerely wish you all the strength in the world to get you and your son through this.
I'll leave the thread to ensure this remains a thread of strength for you. Take care.