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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me via an email

746 replies

INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:36

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

OP posts:
orangefusion · 15/08/2014 07:04

Don't forget there are loads of us out here, it's not like you can burden us with your stuff, we can share the load and we can dip in and out with as much as we can offer. So keep posting if you want to, it won't overload us.

ravenmum · 15/08/2014 08:22

You are so good, talking to your son about his feelings. I'm rubbish at doing that with the kids; just don't know how to bring the subject up as I don't want to show them my sadness in case it scares them. I know that is rubbish, as my mum never used to broach difficult subjects either when I was a child and I'm still struggling with some of them now and find it hard to show emotions. Your managing to talk to your son like that will make a huge difference.

If you're "wallowing" after not even a week, what are some of us like that are still bogged down in sadness after months or years?! Really, give yourself a break! :-)

ravenmum · 15/08/2014 08:24

And do keep talking to us, as it is not just you that gets something out of it; going over this stuff helps us all.

flanjabelle · 15/08/2014 09:41

Op I just wanted to jump on the thread and say that you are doing so well and its ok to wobble. You are human, and you are hurting. You are still strong and this isn't going to break you. You need to believe in your resiliance. Your strength shines through your words, you can do this.

Being strong is letting yourself feel what you need to feel, sitting with the emotions and letting them pass. This is going to get better, bit by bit, but you have to experience thr grief to let it go.

You are doing incredibly well, you are one brave lady. Your son is a lucky boy to have you as his mum. X

Original poster
INeedToEat · 15/08/2014 11:05

Another good nights sleep, just got up. Bonus.

wellwhoknew Yes boss. Understood. (Thanks)

Raven it is difficult talking to son but I make sure I am telling him my emotions (not showing) because I would not want him to think this was not effecting me - because it is normal it would. plus I need him to understand that I am sharing his pain. I know how hard this is.

flan, Orange and Mummy thank you for taking the time to post. Your words are of great support.

It has not crossed my mind to blame myself at all - I wonder if these feelings will come. As I have said before, I can not even blame coward for leaving ... it is just the way he did it. In his original email he said 'we no longer talked' no fucking shit sherlock... I tried for years to get you to talk, told you this bothered me and then you use this as one of your reasons for leaving.

At my very worst 4 ish years ago I was very unwell and was struggling with my panic which came out as agoraphobia. Struggled to get to work (but did) struggled to take son out. I can cope with coward leaving but am petrified I will end up ill again. I can not allow that to happen again. I have had a knot of something in my chest since i got the email- I have not been able to work out what these feelings are.... but they continue to be ever present.

If i allow myself to hit the low I may never return.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/08/2014 11:41

I hope me saying this isn't out of line. I know someone who is always anxious to a lesser or greater degree about something. She no longer worries about this she says it's easier since she accepted that is how she's wired.

I know if you have experienced something severe like agoraphobia you can't help but dread it will recur.

For that reason I'd say rage when you need to rage, grieve when you need to grieve. Feel all of the feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they are. Don’t suppress these thoughts; when you try to suppress them, you give them power. Write them down if you can't voice them. The lump you describe might diminish gradually or vanish overnight.

You're only human, it's hardly wallowing to reflect and ponder. You're moving forwards and getting on with stuff. That's got to be healthy. Sometimes we set ourselves high standards and expect to achieve more and faster than we'd expect of others.

springydaffs · 15/08/2014 13:05

Great post, donkeys.

Wholeheartedly agree. You learnt a lot of skills that time you were ill - they become part if you/one, you don't forget them, they are the 'silver lining' of being ill/going through a hard time imo. (Yy it's hard to see ANY silver fucking lining to the gruesome times, but they are assuredly there..)

Do go with it, op. It takes courage but left it flow through, give yourself the space to reacte and then recover from this mighty blow.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 15/08/2014 13:41

I agree too. I Found it was easier to manage when I understood that whatever I was feeling was valid and that by recognising it and allowing it to pass over me, I would feel more in control (oddly).

I also made a real point of remembering the high moments (however few they might seem now... For example, changing the locks by yourself). And say to myself, I will remember that I felt like this and therefore that I will feel like this again. That helped massively when the dark times came round again.

Firsttimer7259 · 15/08/2014 15:21

Im not going to read this thread but needed to post. My ex BF left me by email. Its almost 10 years ago and we had been together for 10 years. He is a lovely man and was in many ways a lovely BF, I was totally devastated both by break up but also by email. It was awful and I was really disappointed in him emailing me. I mean who does that???!!
I wanted to say that over time I realised the email showed me sides of his character I hadnt seen before - the conflict avoidy, cowardly bit.
Im glad we arent together anymore, I now have a lovely DH who is v different. Grin
but it scarred me for a long time (still does maybe) that a relationship could poof like this. Over time I realise it didnt just go poof overnight just the ex was terrible communicator. He behaved impeccably after about practicalities (he was always a really decent honourable bloke) but about the emotional stuff he was an ass. Mainly becuase totally incompetent. It hurts, it also hurts when you start to see the character flaws that make someone behave that way. But it does get better. hang in there

Original poster
INeedToEat · 15/08/2014 16:17

Firsttimer Thank you for posting your experiences. I understand why you will not read the thread.

donkey, where and springy You are all right and I agree. I have been well for 4 years ish now (with help of medication) and am now able to drive further away from home, go on buses and trains. My panic became my friend in a way, I wouldn't be me if it went ...it has made me who I am today. I no longer run scared from it. Just accept it. Although I made peace with it like an ugly friend I still do not want it back at the level where I can not manage it.

I has been a week today since I received the email that will change my son's life forever. The pain that coward caused his son but failed to recognise will stay with me forever. Time is a great healer.

My son and I have laughed today and have made some long standing jokes. We have cuddled and have made our plans for our holiday activities. I am in awe of how he has coped with this so far - but my heart is longing to make it better for him.

KOKO

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2014 16:21

But you ARE making it better for him.
You are there. You are doing all the right things.
You are now laughing and planning future events.
That's massive strides in such a short amount of time.
You are doing so well.
KOKO indeed!!!

orangefusion · 15/08/2014 16:24

You are making it better for him INeed, that is exactly what you are doing.

You are helping him to cope and you are making it possible to talk about feelings, you are making his room lovely and you are creating your own in jokes that will continue throughout your life together and are a sign of intimacy and closeness that his father is ever likely to achieve. You are planning a holiday with him and giving him lots of time and space to process his feelings, this is how you make it better for him. He will remember this time and what you are building together, you will grow closer because of this.

orangefusion · 15/08/2014 16:24

lol cross post hellsbells

FantasticButtocks · 15/08/2014 16:26

You ate teaching your son what to do and how to manage when life goes wrong, VERY IMPORTANT Thanks

FantasticButtocks · 15/08/2014 16:27

Not ate - are

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 15/08/2014 17:47

You are lucky to have each other Smile

FrontForward · 15/08/2014 21:29

I think every parent regrets some aspect of parenting whether it be (failed) breast feeding or a divorce or feeding them too many E numbers. You know what...fuck it. I do my best. I really do.. My kids have eaten too many chicken nuggets, I failed at breast feeding to varying degrees and I used controlled crying...oh and got divorced.

My eldest two are so wise, so mature and they have life experience. It was pretty horrendous going through it and don't get me wrong I'd un choose it but ...they are not damaged irrevocably. They are actually pretty sorted individuals.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 16/08/2014 00:13

The pain tonight is too much. How could he do this to his son?? I need answers.

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 16/08/2014 00:26

Always someone here OP to listen, sorry it's so painful for you, whatever is inside your ex's dysfunctional head is not possible for someone else to fathom, he will have to live with his inadequate treatment of your son and the haunting legacy of his selfish actions.
You on the other hand can hold your head high and will get your life back on track, not without some scarring from this but you will survive.

tribpot · 16/08/2014 00:27

Step away from the email .. and get yourself to bed.

You won't get answers. You might get accusations and excuses, if you get a response at all. He has been unspeakably cruel because he wanted to be.

Keep your powder dry. This is not yet the time for the confrontation.

WellWhoKnew · 16/08/2014 00:34

He has been unspeakably cruel because he wanted to be

This is it. He chose to do this, and he chose for you deal with the consequences.

That is the last decision he gets to make.

His decision making capabilities are clearly now questionable. The fact that you split up, is an acceptable decision to make, however the manner in which he did it is not.

If you cannot fathom why he did this, the answer is there: you don't have that degree of selfishness, self-centredness and cowardice. It's just not in you.

You cannot understand something you have no awareness of.

Thank God you're you. He can just fuck off.

butterfliesinmytummy · 16/08/2014 02:57

You need answers and God knows, you deserve them. And you'll get them too .... but they will be the answers he wants you to hear, answers that will try to excuse his despicable behaviour.

He might blame you, he might blame it all on a moment of weakness, who knows. Whatever answers you get, you know yourself that there is no answer on this planet that can explain how of why anyone would do what he has done to you and your son. They will be empty words, a weak selfish tissue of fabrication, accusation and lies. It won't be the truth. You already know the truth, that he is a spineless shite.

You're doing so well, keep it up.

catsrus · 16/08/2014 07:47

Family dynamics are hard to untangle when you're in the middle of them iIneed but as coward has now shown his true colours I would not be surprised if his hidden nature has formed a large part of the dynamic up to now. I.e. your anxiety may have been, in some part, made worse by him. I say this because I have found, 4 yrs later, that aspects of myself I thought were 'me' were actually 'me-when-with-him' and me-without-him is interestingly different. One of the dcs said last night that they found it hard to remember when he lived with us - and actually thinks life at home wouldn't be as nice as it is. Once you get through this first few months life can really get a lot better!

Original poster
INeedToEat · 16/08/2014 09:00

Thank you all. No email was sent. Son got into bed with me last night. He has NEVER slept in my bed before. Tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
WhereTheWildlingsAre · 16/08/2014 09:29

This is the thing that makes him the biggest coward, leaving the fall out from your son to you entirely and without giving you enough to help give your son find any answers. A total bloody cop out and the sad thing is that it will be his relationship with your son that will suffer. Makes me so Angry. Utterly, utterly selfish.