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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me via an email

746 replies

INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:36

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/08/2014 10:31

Re the chain - I was thinking more of the situation when/if he comes round to see his son. You open the door normally: he automatically steps forward to come in. You open the door with a chain on it: that says "you're not welcome". If you go to call your son, he can't just stroll into the hall. But of course if you simply shut the door he can't stroll in, either.

That's good that your son is talking about his anger. When my son was feeling the same way I encouraged him to go to his dad's new place, even if it was just to talk to him about how angry he felt. As I pointed out, if he didn't see his dad, his dad would have no idea what was going on in his head. I can't say that telling his dad about his anger resolved anything, but at least they are meeting up, so my son is not just silently fuming. He needs to see his dad being normal and nice; who wants to have a nasty picture in their head of their dad and role model?

Aargh; his dad painted the picture himself and it's up to me to try and rub it out! Up to me to persuade my son that the slimy worm is not a slimy worm.

Hope you are dying your hair a nice tough colour :-) and that you are going somewhere nice.

springydaffs · 14/08/2014 10:51

Don't forget your charger! I've had to resort to the vile stinkys due to a charger fail on occasion. Huge disappointment: I'm converted.

Another thought: do they let you carry the liquid (juice! get with the times!) in your hand luggage? You don't want it taken off you at the airport, that would be terrible Shock . I haven't flown (assuming you're flying..) since conversion to the non-stinkys. Bravo us Flowers

CerealMom · 14/08/2014 11:32
Flowers

De-lurking. Don't forget to change locks on back door/patio doors. This is how my DM's c*unt of X kept getting into the house.

Have a fantastic holiday.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 14/08/2014 11:46

Feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment and have not got out of bed. Feeling restless and a little panicky.

I have considered the back doors but with a 7ft locked gate I have decided to just keep all the keys in the locks for the moment, so in the unlikely event he got a backdoor key cut he will not be able to use it.

I will not be flying springy - but will pack two chargers !!

Think I might go do some gardening. Usually cowards job but the front garden is getting over grown ! Anyone know how to use a lawn mower?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/08/2014 12:01

Get some fresh air, breathe, gardening can be very therapeutic.

Vivacia · 14/08/2014 12:31

INeed if these feelings of being unsettled and staying in bed persist for more than a couple of days please promise me you'll pop to the doctors?

Losingmyreligion · 14/08/2014 13:39

I'm glad you came on to say you are feeling overwhelmed. I sometimes feel there can be a pressure to carry on being 'amazing' which can make you feel bad for having a bad day/week. We still think you're amazing but you wouldn't be human if you weren't overwhelmed and there's nothing wrong with a duvet day if it helps. (Though agree with Vivacia too).

Original poster
INeedToEat · 14/08/2014 14:24

I will not even try to pretend that this has not knocked me sideways. It has.

KOKO... Weeded the front step that was about to start growing into the house, sorted the overflowing wheelie bins and removed two dead mice from the lawn (cheers cats). Threw some more of cowards stuff in the shed and helped son throw way old games/books etc in preparation of his new room. Cleared out boot of car.

Booked holiday and train tickets.

Not emailed coward.

Going on a dump run and to the shops later.

I will keep on top of my panic and will pay a visit to GP if it gets worse or if I slip into depression (which I have never had before but know the signs)

On one hand I wanted to get back to work asap to keep myself sane but I decided my son needs me more so I have arranged an extra week off with my ever wonderful boss and will go back to work the day son starts school.

Thank you

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/08/2014 15:02

You're doing really well. It's so difficult to strike the right balance between keeping busy and useful and giving yourself the rest and recuperation it needs when the going gets tough.

I've never managed it yet.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 14/08/2014 21:22

God Viv really? Will I ever get it right ?? Not emailed coward. No idea if he has emailed me as I have not looked.

Feeling very wobbly tonight.

OP posts:
FrontForward · 14/08/2014 21:27

You're a weeble. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down (is it just me that remembers that...)

You really are amazing even if you don't feel it.

sailorsgal · 14/08/2014 21:27

I used to find the evenings difficult. Can you peoccupy yourself with tv or phone calls? Or keep talking to us here.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 14/08/2014 21:34

Friend has just left. The friend I would normally natter to for hours is away. Sister left today for 10 days! Plus son will want to watch BB at 10pm. I don't like talking on the phone when he is around as i do not want him to hear me talking about his dad.

So hard isn't it. Know I am doing the right thing - but I still waver every now and then.

Worried I might get very unwell and will not be able to take son away next week.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 14/08/2014 21:43

You & your son will have a great holiday next week.

sailorsgal · 14/08/2014 21:45

try not to think about next week. Take each moment by moment. Keep repeating an affirmation such as "I am ok' . xx

sailorsgal · 14/08/2014 21:46

where are you going? can you start planning on what you want to do when you are there.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 14/08/2014 22:46

I used to find night times the worst, try do something nice for yourself a nice soak in the bath or Wine (but not too much) and you and DS can look forward to a lovely trip away. KOKO x

Original poster
INeedToEat · 14/08/2014 22:51

garrhh I want to post here more but am feeling like I am wasting peoples time. God what is the matter with me !

OP posts:
DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 14/08/2014 22:53

You are not wasting anyone who is on here time, we are here because we want to be. If you want to post there is always someone around.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 14/08/2014 23:04

No one's obliged to read your thread I Need or to respond to you. Posters are responding to you and your situation because they want to.
There's nothing the matter with you, what's the matter is what's happened to you

springydaffs · 14/08/2014 23:20

Spill the beans, sister. This is a major shock and grief, you can't be 'strong' all the time (though I personally think falling apart takes a lot of strength..). You have a lot to work through, your usual 'spill' buddies aren't currently available, use mn as a diary for now. You wouldn't be the first snivvling/snot/mess/raging/offyourhead etc poster on mn grappling to absorb the incomprehensible; and you won't be the last. Tis the wonder of mn/t'web xxx

springydaffs · 14/08/2014 23:23

Plus we all care. Why do you think you've had so much support on here? Xxxx

Original poster
INeedToEat · 14/08/2014 23:43

yes i know you are right - I have so much wonderful support on here - god only knows what I would have done if it wasnt for you all. You are right, it is so difficult because so many good friends are away.

I feel like crap - confused, hurt and angry. Spoke to son tonight and he feels the same. As i said up post, I am a social worker, I know how much this crap affects kids. I see it daily. I am scared for my son, scared what this will do to him.

My older son is 23, I see everyday how my crappy break up with his dad effected him. How I behaved, how ex behaved ... it is crap and I do not want to make the same mistake again.

I am wallowing .. i need to snap out of it.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 14/08/2014 23:58

What I find INeedToEat is that posting on here helps you get clarification what's bewildering you the most. And other women say 'yep, me too' can help make you feel, well a little, normal!

Our heads are very scary places, right now. People on here have been there and got the T-shirt, they've found ways to overcome it, get through it, defeat it - whatever 'it' is. Abandonment is a headwreck but this by a poster above is exactly right: There's nothing the matter with you, what's the matter is what's happened to you

It is very hard, but you do need to focus on keeping you going - whatever that takes. He is not to be prioritised.

Easy to say, not easy to do.

We know you want to be strong and capable, and it sounds like you are in real life and in normal circumstances. It's okay to be sad and angry about what's happened. You are still being strong and capable in the most awful of circumstances. You might not feel it but it would be a lot more troubling if you didn't react at all to this. It takes a few days to sink in, and then you hit the low.

It is not okay to beat yourself up for what's happened.

Remember: once you've hit the lowest point, the only way is up.

Clear?

mummytime · 15/08/2014 06:46

It is hard, being a parent is hard.
My eldest DS is dyslexic, when his diagnosis came through all that went through my head was "75% of the prison population is dyslexic".

Your son will be fine. He's talking to you, you learnt a lot with you older son. I'm sure if he needs help you will see he gets it.

Lots of people come from really crappy backgrounds and are fine. Eg a friend whose parents had a horrible divorce, ended up living in a squat whilst doing her A'levels. If you looked at her today you would never imagine any of that.

You can't blame yourself for all your children's problems later, neither can you take all the credit.

It will be fine.