It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

Do either one of you have anyone as real life support. I know talking about it with people sort of makes it official but it will help you.

I haven't spoken to anyone in real life yet

I feel I need to deal with it myself first before others start giving their opinions

That's fair enough. You will no doubt come across a few people who obviously only see the lovely side to your OH that will find it difficult to believe, so may be smart to get it straight in your own mind first.

When you do, don't feel you need to explain or justify anything to anyone.

It came as a shock to everyone when the found out I had split from my husband as I had spent so long covering for his twattishness. I have only really spoken about it to a couple of people and the rest I just said "you can be sure that I didn't split from the father of my children lightly, but it was the right decision for me and my children". No more explanation required.

To be honest

Those closest to me know we have had issues in the past. These issues remain the same.

It's more I can't be doing with any "here we go again" attitude

Oh I see. Have you spoken to women's aid mumof3? They will point you in the direction of a freedom programme.

It wasn't so much the information that they give you for me, but being able to sit in a room full of women that were in similar situations so just got it. Without you really having to say anything. My one has a little creche in the next room for the little ones.

Do you think that would help you?

I just don't think I need anything like that

All I need is for him to not try and get me back

In which case just try and keep contact to emails and texts just about the children. You sound resolute in your decision so you should get stronger daily.

Hugs for you too :)

Oh God, so glad I found this thread as has made me feel less alone and like I am not losing my mind although I of course do not wish this on anyone... I am in a similar situation,too and about to make the break. Good vibrations/wishes to all...

Hi suzuki. That is exactly what it feels like isn't it. Like you're losing your mind. I'm glad you found the rhread too. Sometimes it actually needs pointed out to us that the people that tell us they love us shouldn't actually treat us the way they do to realise the effect it has emotionally on us.

There is a great amount od support on here for women in this sad situation. What is your situation? Are you married? Do you have kids? Live together? Will he leave easily do you think?

Hello all and Suziki, sending hugs and hope you are ok. You can get through this.

I am having a better day today than yesterday. I am not still in my pjs for a start. Been to a baby class and met a nice mum. Booked a pedicure on the way for tomorrow pm (can't wait). And booked an appointment with citizens advice for this afternoon. Also my Lundy Bancroft book arrived so going to start reading that.
Oh has rung 3 times already but I have not picked up the phone.

Hope you are ok today mumof3.. X

I know not every day I will feel like this and may feel down again tomorrow but just trying to be strong whenever I can x

I'm glad you're having a better day Knackered

Remember that you don't have to feel strong all the time. You just have to keep going. You don't have to know how everything will turn out in the end. You just have to keep going. You don't have to feel positive about it every single minute, you just have to keep going.

Baby step by baby step, until you get to where you need to be.

I hope the citizens advice are about to give you some helpful advice. Great news about meeting the nice mum and booking a pedicure.

Sounds like a good day, knackered. Booking a pedicure, or other treat is a good idea. Always nce to have something to look forward too, even a small thing like a bar of choc. Esp after a stressfull thing like solicitor or CAB

Hope it goes well today.

That sounds great knackered. Legionofboom puts it perfectly. One day at a time. Hope you find the book helpful. And well done for not answering the phone.

Thank you for your comments x baby steps are definitely the best way to go. Weirdly I felt ok going to the citizens advice because I felt I was actually able to take control of the situation for once. The appointment was more helpful than I thought actually.
She gave me a list of local solicitors and said that if I am in a relationship with domestic abuse then I am entitled to legal aid. (She checked and emotional abuse does count as domestic abuse) And that I would automatically be offered family mediation, that we would both attend.

My question was how would I get my oh to attend the family mediation as he would have to admit that he is being abusive so that we get the legal aid...Can't imagine that happening - I wonder how that works. She said I would need to speak to the solicitor about that...
All a bit of a minefield at the moment I just need to work out what is what.

I wouldn't bank on receiving legal aid to be honest. As I understand it legal aid is only provided with some written confirmation of domestic abuse from either a doctor, police or a social worker). I might be wrong but that is what I was advised in my area.

Everyday that you figure out something that is best for you and your dc you should feel stronger and stronger. So well done for getting on your way. It does feel great, doesn't it, because you are exactly right, you are taking back control of your own life.

I remember every day after I split from my ex, realising just how capable of things I was, that I didn't think I would be. It made me realise what a number he had done on me, because I had always felt like a perfectly capable person before I met him. And every day I felt stronger and more capable, I realised was a day getting closer the real me.

Well done knackered

Weirdly I felt ok going to the citizens advice because I felt I was actually able to take control of the situation for once

Brilliant. Well done knackered. Great progress today.

I'm not sure what you are planning and I know it can be easy to say things in the heat of the moment but I wouldn't tell your P about your meeting today until you have a definite plan in place and you know exactly what your rights are and what you are entitled to etc.

How do you feel about making an appointment to see a solicitor for a free half hour?

Well done Knackered

And welcome Suzuki

Busy day here but feeling positive

That's great to hear mumof3.

I ammarried withone toddler daughter. We separated temporarily four mpnths ago and went to couples counselling upon my insistence. I think he just went along with it now although I thoight at the time that the fact he actually said yes a d attended was pretty good for him as he is very reserved and defrnsive. I thpught it had helped to clear the air a little at least but no... he said something amounting to threatening to hit me this week and that was the ladt straw. Round and round in circles I have been going for far too long... insults and angry remarks and sulking and ignoring me, mocking me, self pitying,fickle resentful attitude and now aggressiveness and sexist comnents. I have no more patience or time to waste. I will not let my daughter see and hear and feel moee of this absolute rubbish.
Hello everyone and thank you for ghe wrlcomes by the way and sorry for the rant... feel so much better that I have made my mind up now... being in between days is the worst. Good luck to all in transition :)

Horrible behaviour on his part Suzuki but at least he has shown you the man he is and you can start to move forward

Towards marks a week that our problems started (this time around anyway) and I haven't had any begging for forgiveness or even an apology yet!

It won't be until Sunday/Monday at least now I think. Don't get me wrong I don't want begging etc but I know it'll come. It's the bit I'm afraid of. Being strong enough not to feel sorry for his pathetic arse!

You can bw strong mumof3. Just try to keep contact only to talking about the kids. What can he possibly saythat can excuse his behaviour. Nothing! He has put himself in this position. Now he's had a break from family life and left you with all the responsibility he doesn't get to just swan in and make you feel sorry for him.

You're doing so well. Keep it up.

Well done suzuki. You've given everything you can. There comes a time when you realise that you're the only one giving. Normally counsellors won't see couples where there is abuse involved because they will use it against you. And you're right, abusers don't go toa ccounsellor to change their behaviour. Why wouls they. Their abuse serves them well. It's just a stalling tactic to keep you around so he can say "look, I've done counselling, see how hard I'm trying".

When these abusers realise that they are losing their control, things have a habit of escalating and it sounds like that is what is happening with you. Leaving can be the most volatile time, so stay safe. Try and keep your plans to yourself.

Will you be able to get him to leave and you stay where you are? It might be an idea to have someone with you when you are asking him to leave if he has already threatened physical violence. Don't be afraid to call the police at any time if you feel threatened and they will remove him.

Well done, stay strong. A much better life awaits you and we are here for you every step of the way.

Stay strong Suziki, and I am so pleased that you have reached a decision that enough is enough. You will get there and he is showing now the man he really is.
Mumof3 that's great that you haven't heard anything from him yet and hope this continues. The more the days go by and the stronger you will become, and the more you are proving to yourself and your kids that you are happier without him.

Things are tough for me at the moment and has reached a real nastiness pitch. He continues to blame me and tell me there are two sides to every story and I am not whiter than white. I keep getting bombarded with examples, and it's really hard not to be affected by this.

I few things that have happened:
He forgot to take the bins out last night, and it's one of his jobs. He woke up shouting at me this morning telling me to do it and called me lazy bitch. Then when he eventually did it himself, he came back upstairs and couldn't believe that I wasn't being grateful to him.

He said the reason he never shows me any love is that for the last 10 years I have been fat, and it's made him unhappy, as a man.
He said that he is fighting back because I called him a liar for not coming back home when he said he was going to. I said that was true, and he said well the fact that you are fat is true aswell.

He keeps saying the solicitors will laugh in my face, and talks to me like I am stupid and don't know what I am doing.

The main things is he refusing the leave and keeps saying that the only way we can split is if we sell the house. I think the are ways around this and want to stay here with my ds. So I am not going to listen to that and work out ways of getting him out so that I can stay here.

He has hit me before, about 3 years ago. And a while before that. Would this have any grounding to get him to leave I wonder...

Keeps going on about me being fat

God Knackered123 I am so annoyed reading your post I want to come round & throw him out myself.

I am sure others will have better & more practical advice but for now stay strong & see a solicitor. The sooner you get rid of this sorry excuse of a man the better.