It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

Splitting up could be a relief not hell. Even your depression might lift.

Get proper advice. Do not move out of the house until you have it and have protected your rights, and your DCs rights.

As you are not married it will be more complicated, but do try to gather evidence of what you have contributed to the mortgage etc.

He feels hard done by because he is still a child, and hadn't ever realised that having sex is for grown ups who realise it might just make a baby (and I know lots of children born after contraception failure - probably most kinds of contraception you can think of).

Oh I think he does understand what he's done and why you have reacted the way you have to it. He knows he's out of order hence the list of reasons why he can't help it. He's depressed, stressed, has a drink problem.

He's been your DP for years and he knows how to push your buttons. He knows all about that softer side and just how to appeal to it. What he doesn't understand is why it's not working anymore.

Freebirdy is right. It is actually quite shocking how quickly you do feel better when you seperate.

It's sad when you've been tohether so long and especially when you have children. But you start to realise pretty quickly that it was the right decision and how much their negativity impacted your life and you as aperson. And also how much your children could feel it even if you thought you were protecting them from it.

Thanks everyone x It's like a veil has been lifted and I'm realising the reality of what he is. But it doesn't feel good right now. Now that it is really sinking in.
I don't understand why people want to be like this. Families and people are precious and should be treated as such x

I have been reading about emotional and verbal abuse and there are lots of things there that I can identify with. However, one thing I can say is that he is never possessive, doesn't check my phone, emails etc and never stops me from going out or doing what I want to do or see my friends. Maybe he doesn't care enough!
It seems that more often than not this is a typical behaviour of emotional abusive men. I wonder why he doesn't have this element?
I have ordered that Lundy book, thank you for recommending it looks very interesting X

Mine didn't check my phone or emails and wasn't posessive. I think it's cos he rightly genuinely trusted me.

My husband wouldn't stop me going out directly. But looking back there were often times that I didn't go out because we had an argument over something irrelevantwhwhich meant I wasn't in the mood. Or he would always come with me (at the time I didn't see that as a problem, but in hindsight I realised I very rarely went anywhere by myself) I would often just stay in just because he was. He didn't really have any friends so I kind of felt that we should "just have a nice night in the two of us". I lost contact with a lot of my ffriends for one reason or another. It was all very subtle.

There are many different types of abuse. Emotional, physical, financial, verbal, sexual etc. Any part of any of them are unacceptable. And there may be little elements of several but not all of them.

The book will eeally help to explain things better.

Thank you ilovelamp, I can definitely relate to the not going out because he is in a grump and had an argument so didn't feel like it.
He called me again from work. I know I shouldn't - but he is trying to work it out and seems really stressed out by this. Said that I am not taking my own faults into account it's not all black and white. He knows he is in the wrong and is going to the doctors (I booked it for him - I know, shouldn't have! But am genuinely worried he might do something), but he gives me examples of things I have done wrong too so I shouldn't give him such a hard time. I tell him that usually the things I have done 'wrong' stem from the deep rooted frustrations of the way he is treating me.
But he can't see that at all - it's like it is too emotionally complex for him to get his head around.

It's not too complex for him to get his head around. He knows exactly who is in the wrong. He is just trying to manipulate you.

If you were so unbearable to live with and were doing all these things 'wrong', why does he want to stay together.

This is toxic. You really need to stop listening to him. You need to ask him to give you space while you figure stuff. If he has an ounce of respect for you ( he doesn't) he would do that for you.

What did Women's aid say?

I hope you don't feel like I'm telling you what to do. I know this is unbearably hard and confusing. I think it takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.

I do however think you need space away from him with no communication in order for you to decide what is best for you and your dc. Not what he decides.

Not at all!! This is what I need and I really do appreciate it. For so long I have been a doormat and he is now getting frustrated with my new attitude. It's also bringing out the worst in him and making him stressed, but because I do still have feelings for him I hate seeing him like this and want to help.
But the more I read into emotional abuse the more I identify with it and so I feel very sad now that it is staring me in the face. But at the same time I feel relief because it's like someone has given a name and a diagnoses for what I knew was wrong deep down but could never out my finger in it.
I thought it was just me. I guess it's a shock.

Yesterday I mentioned (again) that he always pulls away whenever I try and hug him, and he said well why don't you try loosing some weight. So horrible. But his reason for doing that,he says, is lashing out in defence but he doesn't mean it. But then he said it again later and said I am 'oversized' and it's made him unhappy for 10 years or so. Btw, I am not exactly skinny but not huge either. I've got baby weight at the moment but he knows I am trying to do something about that.

I've left a message with woman's aid as would like to talk to them. They are really busy at the moment but hopefully I will get a call back soon. Thank you!

You really are just me 8 months ago. Except he didnt call me names. Like you, I thought it was just me. Reading about it and educating myself on the subject was liberating.

I promise a life without this man will be a million times better than a life with him.

Just de-lurking.

What does it matter even if you were partly to blame? Let's imagine it is half your fault. Let's imagine it's no one's fault at all!

To channel SGB, you don't owe this man a relationship. If you want the relationship to end, then you can. You don't have to have any reason, apart from the fact that you would be happier not to be in a relationship with him.

I tell him that usually the things I have done 'wrong' stem from the deep rooted frustrations of the way he is treating me

You need to stop this exhausting and futile circular argument of 'you did this because he did that because you did the other' and spend your time organising to see a solicitor.

You don't have to find the magic reason that makes him say 'Oh I get it, yeah, you're justified, I'll go and pack my bag".

He doesn't have to like it. He doesn't have to think it's fair. It doesn't even have to be fair.

All that matters now is that the relationship is no longer working for you and you want to end it. And you can.

On Sunday you said
He understands that I want to end it and says he can't stop me so has to accept it even though it will be painful

He said this, he understands enough. It is not that he doesn't understand it is that he doesn't like it and he doesn't see why you aren't coming round to him like you have before.

When he stops telling you what you've done wrong and why you're partly to blame and when he genuinely takes responsibility for himself, then he'll mean what he says.

Thanks for your comments everyone. So I spoke to someone from women's aid and she was really good and helpful. Made me realise that it is not my fault and that his behaviour is not right.
He is an adult and has a CHOICE about how he behaves, so even though he says he is stressed at work etc and has pressures of money etc. etc it doesn't justify him treating me like this at all. After all, I have stresses but I do not behave in this way - he doesn't have to either.

I confided in a member of his family today who I am close to and knows all the background, and is also supportive of me. She thinks I should give myself 3 months to see if anything changes, based on this new attitude that I have. Then if I don't feel in myself it's right still (rather than going on empty promises), then end it. In the meantime I can be planning my escape and talking to solicitors anyway... And he also needs to get help himself.
Is that being too nice?

Yes!!! He will not change. He's not even got the decency to put a front on at the moment. He's still being awful to you. You're clinging on to hope that things will get better with a man that is not taking responsibility for hid actions and is instead blaming you. What is there to stick around for?

I don't think a member of his family can be unbiased in this instance.

So you wait 3 months, then what? You wait until after Christmas, then something else comes up.

You are not going to leave now or in 3 months or in 30 years unless you change your attitude to your responsibility to him.

He needs to get help for himself. You don't need to get him help. You need to focus on you and your DS.

You are not responsible for how he chooses to behave, not now, not in the past, not for the next three months.

I know it's hard and scary and horrible but it isn't going to be any easier in 3 months.

His family are probably not the best to confide in as really bottom line they will want you to stick with him.
Forget 3 months he isn't going to change and you will be prolonging the agony.
Keep with your original plan

Sorry if my last post sounded harsh. I know it is incredibly tough to do what you are doing and you are coping fantastically. Stay strong

I know. I feel like hearing all this from us may sound harsh. But just know that we are coming from a place of experience. We have been exactly where you are.

We have nothing to gain from suggesting you lwave your OH except to genuinely believe that it is in yours and your dc's best interests.

We do know how horrible this is to read though and no matter what you decide, you won't be judged here, so you can always talk to us.

Op they are right I think

I've been in this place so many times
It's never changed and I'm still in this place

I know you are right everyone, thank you.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face up too and probably the hardest thing I am about to do.

Finding it very hard to be positive tbh as can't see how it's going to work, practically etc. It feels really horrible.

Thank you for all of your support xx

Hope you are ok mumof3?

A bit low tonight

He called round briefly and took some more stuff

How about you?

It is hard to do. The way you envisaged your life being won't happen anymore. But it won't happen if you stay either. But you have a chance at happiness if you leave.

Hugs xx