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Original poster

What would you say if your friend told you this

165 replies

cakeyblues · 08/08/2014 20:13

My 22 y/o friend recently told me she has a crush on her 18 y/o colleague. He is a very young looking 18 y/o (I've met him) and could pass for 16. She says she has fallen for his funny/charming personality and is attracted to him physically too. This is confusing for me, I know legally there would be nothing wrong with them doing anything but it seems a bit weird to me. She said he has told her he is still a virgin and she has said (to me) she would like to be his first.

I don't know if I'm being out of line here or what, I just feel this is not an ok situation. Does anyone know what I mean/have any input.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/08/2014 23:09

Do you know what lets just close this thread and I'll ask on a different site where people aren't so keen to 'piss their sides laughing' at other peoples honest questions.

means

"You are all being mean so I am going to flounce and keep posting this total non issue all over t'internet until I find someone who says I am right"

Honestly OP, why are you so wound up about this?! She is looking to cheat, yes that is wrong and I would be distancing myself from her if she couldnt be talked out of it. I would also be making it clear in no uncertain terms that while I wont blab what she is doing, I would not lie for her so if asked directly I would tell the truth.

But you focussed on the age gap, you were told that YWBU. Why not just take it on the chin? I got a right roasting once about something I thought was perfectly reasonable and wanted MN to back me up in a row I was having with H. It was a right smack in the tits to be told that actually I was wrong, the apology to him came hard, but I meant it as my mistake had been pointed out in a way I couldnt argue with. You seem determined to be proven right by moaning about people being rude to you, thats not a argument that would stand up in court!

CafeAuLaitMerci · 08/08/2014 23:13

No, generally we chat and laugh about anything and everything when someone has flounced, seldom about the OP of the thread though, far too boring by that stage. Sorry.

MorphineDreams · 08/08/2014 23:14

I honestly don't see a clique.

On one thread I'll be arguing with someone, on the next we're friends. Just the way it goes.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2014 23:16

I think you are being a bit ridiculous. I don't think a four year age gap is a lot when people are the age of your friends. The problem is in your head.

Castlemilk · 08/08/2014 23:18

Gee?

Jay?

Please tell us your name is Em, OP.

And the fiance who is now not such a close friend to you, he could be H (from Steps).

If I were you I'd go out tomorrow night with the girls (Dee, Ell(ie) and Bea) and forget about it all.

BookABooSue · 08/08/2014 23:26

I think you have had a bit of a hard time on here OP.

There can be a massive variation in life experience and maturity between 22-yr-olds and 18-yr-olds, or they can be at similar stages in their lives. It does depend on the individuals.

My first concern on reading your post was actually about them being colleagues as depending on the nature of their roles then a relationship could be against company policy and a risk to their careers.

Now you've mentioned a fiance, I think that background could have been shaping your initial response and that posters would have responded differently if you'd said my friend is considering cheating on her fiance with a work colleague.

I don't think your unease is about an age gap, I think your unease is specifically about this 22-yr-old and this specific 18-yr-old and that's ok. It doesn't have to be a comment on every relationship with that age gap or every relationship where the woman is older than the man.

LadyFairfaxSake · 08/08/2014 23:53

You've been told repeatedly, wind your neck in.

Frogisatwat · 09/08/2014 00:45

Best flounce I think op!

bigTillyMint · 09/08/2014 00:54

Well she sounds like shes not ready for the grown up responsibilities of getting engaged/married, etc and is using the new male as a way out. I dont think age has got a lot to do with it.

At 21 my bf was 25, at 24 my ex was 29. At 31 I met DH who was 27. When I was 18, he would have been only 14Grin

Bogeyface · 09/08/2014 00:57

On one thread I'll be arguing with someone, on the next we're friends. Just the way it goes.

Totally agree.

freyaW2014 · 09/08/2014 01:13

I can't see the problem. 22 is very young however 'professional' she may be! 18 is an adult. It's only 4 years and I suspect they will have loads in common

itsbetterthanabox · 09/08/2014 02:16

I think it's creepy that your 28 year old friend is engaged to a 22 year old. That's a much weirder age gap up me. At 22 you still think like a teen but at nearly 30 life is very different! Maybe she should be with the 18 year old instead.

sykadelic · 09/08/2014 03:38

FWIW OP, if you're still reading, I agree I would be a little Hmm if one of my friends decided to sleep with a boy fresh out of high school.

When I was younger, 20 or so, I was "dating" a boy a couple of years younger 17/18 (can't remember exactly). I was not a virgin, we only got as far as "second base" and I was NOT okay with being his first. That's actually how I realised we weren't meant to be and it was better to end things.

I have been one guys first and I didn't appreciate that at all. I got to be his "sexual experimentation". Whatever he'd seen on porn he'd want to try. He wanted it ALL the time... just... no... never again.

I think you have realised though this isn't really about the boy, this is about the complete about-face of your friend and your feeling that she's completely changed. I think you should probably talk to her about what's going on. I think she has cold feet and is thinking "what if" and wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere.

daisychain01 · 09/08/2014 05:20

I cant add much to what has already been said about cakey's friend and the age gap + infidelity.

My fwiw comment is that there are ways of giving an OP who is being U an honest opinion, without taunting and being goady. sykadelics post show it is possible to give an opinion. OK so it was a unanimous YABU, and not everyone likes or can cope with being told that.

If the OP cant cope well with being told YABU by so many people, do they have to be prodded and poked so the person feels ganged up on? That's why AIBU gets a bad name. It seems MNHQs recent mini-campaign to highly this has already been forgotten! People do flounce off but rubbing salt into their wounds isn't necessary IMO

In the RW its called "kicking them when they're down" ....

daisychain01 · 09/08/2014 05:21

highlight

Curiouslygrumpycola · 09/08/2014 07:03

Well said Daisy. Just to point out that this isn't even aibu.

daisychain01 · 09/08/2014 07:35

curiously gosh you are right, and it did feel like I was reading AIBU! There's something about expressing opinions I guess.....

Lweji · 09/08/2014 07:37

Not posted earlier on this thread, but I hope you have come to realise that on MN most people don't like ageism (along with sexism, racism and other isms) and, perhaps more to the point, don't like when vital information is given later up in the thread. It smacks of changing arguments just to be right.
Perhaps you didn't manage to explain it properly on your first post, but some humility and sense of humour wouldn't go amiss if you really wanted to take something out of the thread. You didn't get people to agree with you in the way you thought. Take it in and give it a second thought. Or apologise for not explaining properly.
Your first postS are all about the age and the virginity, not the cheating. I'm not surprised, and with your attitude, that it went pear shaped.

What's wrong with being the first for a man, btw, regardless of age? Someone has to.

melissa83 · 09/08/2014 07:39

When I was 22 I had more in common with an 18 year old than a 28 year old anf I was married with a mortgage and career. I still lived like an 18 year old as 28 is like a 100 when you are that age.

daisychain01 · 09/08/2014 07:51

Lweji, you make some valid points about how to behave andrisks of reaction to ageism, sexism and anything that expresses some form of bigotry (im talking generally, not about this thread)

I just find that when people use their good intent (defending against those awful things) as a stick to beat people, it can weaken their position.

The drip feeding is a tricky fine balance, because it needs the person to decide what is important to disclose and what might either prejudice or influence responses versus what is critical to know upfront.

Not everyone has that ability, so it's kind if people give them the benefit of the doubt and "play naice-ly" in the MN playground or MNHQ tell us off and give us detention Grin

daisychain01 · 09/08/2014 07:53

Btw, I already have my full metal jacket on plus hard hat.. In case Im called the thread police! Guilty and cuff me constable.

I was just shocked reading this thread that's all...

Lweji · 09/08/2014 08:01

Maybe it was the OP who should have given people the benefit of the doubt and played nicely. We do need to put ourselves in other people's shoes and in this case pps didn't have the full information.
Most people disagreed that she should be concerned about the age gap. It seems the OP would only be happy if people agrees with her.
Then she was engaged, then she wanted to cheat.
Not sure how people here could have kept an open mind in anticipation of that.

RabbitSaysWoof · 09/08/2014 08:04

People have lots of different sides to their personalities, so you see the (trying to be) mature side of her, you are 28 as is her dp she would not be 22 in front of you now would she.
That's not to say that she is not 22 away from you, and so she should be. 22 and 18 no bigee, same age group. 22 and 28 a much bigger age gap, she probably shows a truer side of herself to this 18 year old than she does to you.

Fairylea · 09/08/2014 08:24

I can't stand ageism when it comes to relationships. I met my now dh when he was 22 and I was 31 with two divorces behind me and a 7 year old dd. I had my own mortgage free home and he was fresh out of university living on his mum's sofa. Years later we are happily married, he works, I'm a sahm and we now have a toddler son as well. Different things work for different people.

momb · 09/08/2014 08:29

If they were both students and dressed in jeans and t shirts would it bother you less? Is it because she has been working professionally longer and is therefore more polished?
Just because someone looks older or younger than their years doesn't make that who they are. She has taken time to get to know him and is attracted to him based on that. I'm sure they'll be fine.