Caught in the act . Mortified.

[SickOfAnts]

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

Clarabell78
Yes we could have waited a couple of hours but we didn't.
Bloody wish we had to be honest.
God oh God what idiots.

You gave up your job to look after their baby and now you're not good enough because you were shagging when the baby was asleep?

Have they never shagged slept when the baby has been asleep?

Unless you left her at the top of the stairs surrounded by knives then I don't understand the problem.

I totally understand her being upset, in her eyes the people taking care of her daughter, are, um... distracted. And the embarrassment she feels on walking in would make all her reactions feel more extreme. In the end, it's an overreaction. All you can do is explain your care for dgd wasn't being compromised, you never would do anything that would, and then wait for them to calm down and come around.

Oh, I haven't passed judgement, but I can understand where the dil is coming from.

In her situation I think I might be a bit upset. It would be a shock. Not what you imagined was happening when you think of your dd at their gps house. I'm not saying it's wrong, just that I can understand.

I can also understand how the OP feels.

In terms of moving forward I do think it will be about both sides understanding and recognising each others points,of view. And yes, I think for the dil it will be a trust issue.

If people are not allowed to sex with babies in the house where do subsequent babies come from?

This is about you being 'old' and still 'doing it'

She will find her grip when she needs a baby sitter.

Look at it this way. What if the OP's DS and DDIL went on holiday for a week and asked OP and her DH to babysit the baby that entire time?

Does that mean the OP and her DH cannot have sex for that whole week while the baby is at their house? Of course it doesn't. Then how is this any different?

If the OP was a CHILDMINDER for the baby, then yes, totally inappropriate. But this is a grandchild, and the OP was doing a favour for her DS and DDIL. Child was asleep. Is it only sex they're not allowed to do? Are they not allowed to watch a movie? Play scrabble? Do an exercise video? As long as the child is safely in the cot and asleep and the OP or DH are there in the house to monitor her, is any normal activity really a problem?

I can't believe that anyone would be affronted. So what if they could have waited. Parents could wait until they've got babysitters and the children are out of the house before they have sex, but that's just silly.

It's even more ridiculous to think you can make the sort of demands you'd make of a nanny of your MIL, who gave up work to care for your child so you didn't have to rework your own life plans as much. If you want nanny-type care, you need to shell out for a nanny.

Actually, I think you have every right to be pretty pissed off at her for letting herself in without warning.

I would never do that to anyone, regardless of whether or not my baby was with them. It is very, very rude of her.

I do think the massive over reaction is fuelled by embarrassment.

I can understand that totally. I'm overcome with embarrassement myself.

This is not a situation that i will ever "laugh about".

Liara makes a valid point. What WAS the DDIL doing letting herself in?? My own mother would have throttled me for doing that (and most likely giving her a heart attack from the shock). I'd never do that at MIL's house.

You'll laugh about thus over Christmas dinner. It'll become a family anecdote

Well praps not

I think she'll quickly forget to be affronted when faced with prospect of paying for childcare

well OP, call me a cynic, but I reckon it'll not take long after your DS discovers a full time nursery place is £1k a month for them to 'forgive you'.

Offer to get a baby monitor that's really loud...

Julia - I can see if they were a paid nanny or childminder it would be a different matter, but someone who is doing you a massive favour, a £1k a month style favour, you can't bitch about how they spend their time when they aren't needed to look after your PFB.

OP - you've appologised once, don't apologise again or grovel. At best, leave it a week, then ask to confirm if they are sorting alternative childcare or not, becuase if they are finding someone else, you're looking at doing some volunteering/have seen an interesting part time job etc.

They are going to try to withold your DGC as punishment, that doesn't work if they need you to do childcare for them! Has DDIL apologised for not knocking yet? Very rude to just walk in...

As for the letting herself in , we're overseas and that's the norm.

OP, good for you, I'm 34 and it's been a while since I had a lunch time quickie.

Your son and his wife are being idiots, and it think they're embarrassed hence the OTT behaviour.

OF COURSE it's ok to have sex in your own home while your GD is asleep. Presumably, gasp, you even had sex in your own home while your son was asleep! Tell him that.

Try and face up to him over this "Yes, we were having sex, but of course I could hear GD if she cried. Do you and [girlfriend] never have sex in your house while GD is asleep? Now are you really going to change the childcare arrangements over this?"

Please come back and tell us because I'll be mind-boggled if they give up your very lovely offer of free childcare.

I am sure it was embarrassing for everyone but at the end of the day it's not like you were having an orgy. Your ds and ddil need to grow up or do they think that only people under thirty have sex. Lets hope not or life is going to get really frustrating

gawd the DIL sounds a bit uptight

how are they going to manage childcare if they cut you off?? How soon do you imagine they will come to their senses? once they have totted up the actual cost of pretty much full time childcare

Try not to be embarrassed. Having sex with your husband in your own home is not something to be embarrassed about.

Your DIL walked in on you. Sure, she's embarrassed. But she should have knocked (on your bedroom door at least). And if she only heard, rather than saw, then she's being utterly ridiculous. Surely she's had to deal with shagging flatmates at some point while at university.

You haven't actually done anything wrong. You could have been just as 'distracted' by watching tv, or doing housework, or popping out to put something in the outside bin.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong - she way over-reacted.

We weren't in the bedroom. Makes it somehow worse.

I need to get a sense of proportion on all this.

Makes me sound so feeble but it's all consuming.

Thanks so much ladies xx

It may be far more than a £1k a month favour. If my mum gave up work to look after my two, it would cost her a lot more than £1k a month. She'd more than that in salary and also lose years of additional pension contributions. And she'd incur the additional costs of being in all day and feeding/entertaining small people, etc.

It's a huge thing to do for someone. Not least because grandparents don't send children home when they've got conjunctivitis (or the other million things they catch on a weekly basis at nursery).

It doesn't make it worse that you weren't in the bedroom. You can shag anywhere you like in your own house.

If you walk in on people shagging in their own home, the onus is on you to be embarrassed for sneaking up on them.

In think you need to get a grip to be perfectly honest. You were caught having sex in your own home with your husband. It's hardly the end of the world and certainly not a crime.

Good on you OP, and here's to many more hours of fun in the afternoon.

As for your children - I would put their gas at a peep and say that what happened is not open to discussion and they can do and think what they like - and not just because you would hope that them having a small child in the house hasn't meant they no longer have sex.

The cheek of them!

Please don't feel badly, you did nothing wrong at all.