Caught in the act . Mortified.

[SickOfAnts]

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

HE was disappointed in your behaviour? Really? REALLY? That is priceless!

It's quite normal in some parts of the UK to have an open door policy!
My parents have one.

Thankfully their neighbours who pop round give a very loud knock and shout 'you hoo!!!' before going any further than the kitchen.

I think you are wonderful and your dil is being a bit silly [maybe because of her upbringing]. Your ds should really be trying to defuse the situation not defending her outrage. I have been grandchild minding for nearly 8 years. No one has ever caught me having sex [come to think of it I haven't had sex for 15 years] but the dgc have seen dh and I having a cuddle, toddlers have insisted on coming into the bathroom with me, they have seen me change my clothes, they have climbed into bed between dh and me.It would never occur to me to think there was anything amiss in what happened when the baby was sleeping. I'd feel the same about a paid cm too. If baby is sleeping safely in a separate room then do what you want in your own home.

Sex is the root of all evil.

Never ever ever do it again :)

Your son has no right to be disappointed in your behaviour. You really need to knock any more comments, looks etc giving this impression on the head.

I am slightly bemused by your commt OP that you have assured ds that it won't happen again . Given that your DGD is sometimes with your 4 nights a week is he honestly expecting you not to have sex at all when she is on the premises

I think part of this is their immaturity , given the circumstances and the need for them to have so much support they are almost playing at being the parents , you are still having to be the grown ups so they are overreacting because they haven't yet got the maturity to understand that you are grown ups and so are they . Just as you should have no say in what goes on in their house , they have no say in yours.at this stage they should be a separate unit but they are not .

Why on earth did you grovel like that for your DS?

He doesn't respect you or appreciate you, and he clearly has no sense of shame, or perspective, or irony, or whatever else you like to call it. He brought a baby into the world whom he and his partner had no means of supporting or even any way of taking care of physically because of their prior commitments. You stepped in, you supported and you continue to support. And yet you are the one who apologises to him?

I'm with Pinkfrocks. He is am ungrateful and complete un-self-aware dickhead. Pompous isn't the word -- his problem goes well beyond pompous.

I cant believe you apologised! He treats you like shit because you let him, I would have told to sod off!

He brings an unplanned baby into the world, palms it off on you so they can both study instead of stepping up and getting a job and then has the brass balls to make you feel bad about what is a total non issue?

Arrogant, self righteous, ungrateful are just the start of it!

But young people are a bit like that. Perspective and a sense of irony come much later (if at all). Maybe he's just annoyed/a bit shocked that his partner walked in on his mother giving his father a blow job!

One day, he may well regret his behaviour. I think OP just wants to smooth things over in the short term and personally, I think that's the best course of action. Any attempt to use this as an opportunity to upbraid ds on his attitude will just be conflated with the blow job and may be counter productive. As well as prolonging OP's embarrassment.

Food for thought from some posters.

The financial/emotional support we give to our children is no strings attached.
No way a bargaining tool.

Gratitude is not expected from DS but appreciated if shown.
It gives us pleasure to be able to help. Infact it would sadden us if help was not welcomed.
He really is a kind and thoughtful young man and is fiercely protective of his nuclear family.

We were bankrolled during our student years by parents and they were bankrolled by their parents etc etc.

When qualified both DS and DDIL will be totally independant.
Until that time we'll gladly give what we can to help.

We are from a "culture" where a new generation of children (infant or adult) are maybe too sheltered from life's difficulties.
Young people are indulged, but isn't life about living?
We have a very large extended family who all share the same party line.

I make no apologies for wanting as easy a life as possible for DS.
He will no doubt do the same for his children .

I was brought up in the UK and still have a few British friends.
I admit to being envious of their family set ups.
No account to be made of their every move and decision.
Very few extended family obligations.

I left the UK at the age of 15 and have never stopped looking back.
I loved life in Britain and have never really slipped into life here , unlike my siblings.
I enjoy coming onto MN and being me.
The real me who joins in on the Drunk Thread from time to time and laughs out loud at any mention of Center Parcs!

Thanks girls, you give me a lifeline.

(All very melodramatic, sorry!)

We are from a "culture" where a new generation of children (infant or adult) are maybe too sheltered from life's difficulties.
Young people are indulged, but isn't life about living?

Not quite sure what you mean here.

Indulging our children can never be right. Supporting, yes. Giving them all they need is not the same thing as 'love with no conditions and no strings attached'. Giving them all they need and want can be seem as spoiling them and protecting them from life's knocks.

I'm sorry, your heart is in the right place, but your son seems entitled. To be crude, he couldn't keep it in his trousers, he got his GF pregnant despite her religious background ( so who's the hypocrite there- him, her or her family?) and he now seems to think it's fine to pass judgement on you and your DH's behaviour.

I think you need to stop being so soft with them all and maybe they will appreciate you and the cushy life you've given them.

You can want and make an easy life for your children; most parents do things by varying degrees to achieve this BUT our primary objective as a parent is to bring up our children so that they are fit for society in adulthood.

Selfish, grasping and unappreciative people are very rarely happy and they so often retaliate against their loving, giving parents who stand there totally bewildered... thinking WTF?

If you correct that horrible behaviour when you see it, you'll be doing your son, DIL - and their children - a very great favour, not to mention the rest of society.

x-posted with Pinkfrock

Oooh Laws! Pinkfrocks, I think that is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over the top.

I mean, as SickofAnts has repeatedly said, she has no problem with the arrangements, and doesn't think that anyone has been OTT, it was just a really embarrassing moment and everyone needs time to calm down.

Yes DS has reacted like a real prude... I love that he is disappointed... SickOf can have a good smirk at that attitude as he copes with bringing up kids... but what the hell. It happened, no-one died, a few people are mortified and a lot of people got a giggle.

Judgy pants back in the drawer...

You're right on all accounts.
I wholeheartedly agree.

There's little i can do to change the mindset of those around me.

As a minority of one, my views are taken on board and then swiftly ignored.

I can of course sway my DH (i have my ways!) but he was brought up in this environment.

I sincerely hope that my sons will prove to be independant and able to face and deal with the inevitable problems they will encounter.

If it's their first child let them have their PFB tantrum. If it's brought up again by your ds I'd just quietly say something like 'we will talk in a year or two if you've never had sex whilst she's been asleep.'

I understand their PFB tantrum. But you've been there and done it all before with your own children. Of course you'd hear a baby cry upon waking, or even gurgle upon awakening, because that's what you're listening for.

I don't agree it's over the top.
I think that all parents help their kids out right into adulthood- we have, with time and money.
But they are grateful.

What I don't like about this thread is that the son appears to think it's acceptable to criticise his mum and support his girlfriend ( not sure if they are married- OP hasn't said.)

They couldn't continue their courses without this support- they were doing medicine or dentistry or some 5 + year degree and then they messed up by not taking the right care over pregnancy.

They ought to be eternally grateful and showing this - or at least being made to see how lucky they are instead of behaving like teens who suddenly realise their parents have a sex life.

I can't believe you apologised to your son. What for? You had done nothing wrong.

He, on the other hand, got his girlfriend pregnant when she was still a student - I could understand you having something to say in those circumstances.

You, on the other hand, were doing what happily married people (amongst others) do whenever they are on their own and are in the mood. You did nothing wrong and you really shouldn't have apologised.

Good point

We have all behaved in rather precious ways about our first child.

Forget about it. In the interests of family harmony.

I don't know which environment you mean OP?

Europe- the Far east - Oz, the US?

Does location matter?

You are the matriach - you've said that.

No you cannot change a country, but you can change YOU.

If you are being ignored then I assume it's by other spoiled and entitled people who think their behaviour is good parenting.

Where do you draw the line on gratitude?

Should we be thanked for the milk we provided as babies? For the mashed banana we weaned them on? For the thousands of nappies we changed? For the bedtime stories? For their first bike, scooter, paddling pool?

My point being, at which point do we stop providing?

I think you've done what many, many parents would do for their children, but in return there should be respect for you as individuals and not just as parents.

How about the point where it makes you smart, SickOfAnts? Makes you post needing succour because your son and DIL are beyond rude to you?

... Everything that's been said on this thread is from what you've posted. Unplanned pregnancy, ongoing childcare of your grandchild... and the obnoxious manner with which you've been treated. All from you.

... and everybody here is empathising with you, trying to give you what you need and telling you there is nothing to forgive. That should really be coming from your son and DIL, but it isn't and you're actually apologising to them.

You seem to veer between strength and submission. You're a mother but also a wife and nowhere are you a doormat. Your children owe you respect and if they don't give it then demand it... stop apologising. If you won't do it for you then do it for your husband - he's apologising now as well.

Be unavailable for a bit whilst you come to terms with this and then present a united front, you and your husband, and STOP APOLOGISING! All your apologies are achieving is earning a little bit more contempt for you, every time you do it...

Maybe the time to stop is when they are mature enough to manage on their own two feet and take the consequences of their own actions.

You seem to be thinking of your son as a child still- not as a man, a father, and someone who should be behaving like an adult- how old is he now?

How many mothers would either want to or be able to give up work and offer that amount of childcare?

Very few.

Just because you can doesn't mean you ought to, or that it's right.

There is this thing called 'tough love' you know.