Caught in the act . Mortified.

[SickOfAnts]

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

No details forthcoming i'm afraid!

Really very banal but unfortunate circumstances!

(DH was not swinging from our bog standard light fittings. Nothing so grand as a chandelier in this house. Also not sure his arms could support his body weight for long enough.
Nothing racy, sorry!)

I'm sorry Sickofants but I think you are being totally unreasonable

not to share the details with us!

All joking aside, I don't think this will affect your relationship with your Dil at all. If it does, it will be in a positive way as she will see you as a healthy woman with a normal sex life, instead of the very 'proper' mil. You could find, after the initial embarrassment dies down, she will be even more open.

I'm so jealous of you, btw.

I don't think that's necessarily right GorgeousGeorge. I'm in my forties and think the OP and her DH should maybe have locked the front door first to avoid potential embarrassment.

If you're that close to your DDIL, Ants, I'm sure you'll be fine in the end (although maybe she was extra embarrassed or shocked because you've become like a second Mum to her).If your DDIL's perception on you has changed forever (and yes it definitely will have), then I guess she's finding out that people are not 2-dimensional.
I'm glad the dinner went well. Onwards and upwards!

OP. I'm sure this will all be all ok and that your DDIL just needs a bit of time. There is no reason that it should or will effect your relationship with her in the long term.

You do sound like a great MIL and a wonderful granny. Once your DIL gets over the shock I bet things will be back to normal.

why does their perception of you as some kind of caring earth mother have to change because of this?

Your son sounds a dickhead- sorry but he does.

If you are talking of high moral ground, he got her / she got herself up the duff at a very inconvenient time in their lives, to be really blunt.

Hardly think they are in a position to get on their high horses- do you?

Op, you are actually an inspiration. There's a reason why this thread took off and it isn't only because we all think "oh god oh god that could have been me".

You hit the nail on the head- it's life-affirming to have a reminder that actually, married ppl are meant to have sex and enjoy it. And our children have to man up and accept this. They are grown up now, and we accept that- in their turn, they have to realise that parents are people too.

Eventually- after much brain bleach- I think your DDIL will join your DSIS in laughing her head off at family occasions. It will bring you closer, as she sees you for the real person you are. And yes, I can see her feeling able to share difficult things with you in the future.

Pinkfrocks
Ouch!
Your reference to my son is quite harsh.
He's not as you described.
There again i may be biased!

Sorry, scrap that post.

Feeling very defensive at the moment and you do make valid points.

Apologies.

I meant to be harsh because I think you have lost perspective- but more to the point your son and his wife/ girlfriend have. (Did they marry?)

It was an unplanned pregnancy that had you all in a state of extreme panic and distress- I read your other thread way back when.

I think they both need to remember it was their own carelessness that created the baby and they are bloody lucky to have such supportive parents.

They are very young, aren't they? Still teens/students? Obviously they are being immature. Because they are. I wouldn't have handled that very well at their age either probably. But yes, they do need a sharp reminder of all you have done for them and I wouldn't be against reminding them that if they took a bit more care in their own sex lives none of you would be in this situation at all.

Can i just address the "earth mother" remark.
(Not defending myself but rather to dispell any misconceptions)

Becoming a mother was not all plain sailing for me.
I'd hardly had time to get to grips with the whole baby routine with DS1 before i fell pregnant with DS2 .

I've always been uber organised and babies threw me off course.

Earth mother i'm not!

I'm more the reluctant captain of an occasionally mutinous ship!

I feel quite guilty that i have a stronger bond with my DGD than i had with my DS's as babies.
Not quite "earth grandmother" but nearly!

I also think you need to stop wallowing now and see the funny side. You didn't kill anyone. You weren't smoking crack when she walked in or indulging in a spot of human trafficking.

You and your DH need to snap out of it and not let your children treat you like naughty randy kids (something they know plenty about). You are adding to the drama with your family meetings and apologies. I don't know how you kept a straight face.

ToffeeMoon

The wallowing stops here!

Can't rewrite history can you?

If i read this thread from an outsider's perspective i'd be in stitches.

I was picking up on this which you wrote:

^For a long time i've been a wife and then mother.
I had 3 boys in close succession (and then years later our "happy accident" DS4, that's a whole other thread)
I threw myself into domestic life an played house with enthusiasm.
I created a persona, devoted wife, mother, sister etc.
Dependable, respectable me.
Maybe this has illustrated that i'm more than all that.^

More than what, exactly?
That you are a woman who has sex- which as you said in so many words- was how you created those children!

So daytime sex and motherhood are mutually exclusive?

SickOfAnts... I'd love to be your DIL, really, you have a fab sense of humour. I'd knock.... honest!

Disclaimer: I'm already married and my own MIL is great but you get the gist, don't you?

Your son and DIL's 'outrage', if there is any left, needs to be treated with the polite contempt it deserves. Your husband shouldn't have apologised, there was no need to. I think your DIL is upset because you haven't flung yourself prostrate at her feet begging forgiveness - and DON'T YOU DARE!

Your are doing a very nice thing for son/DIL and if they don't recognise and appreciate the true worth of that then they should be made to.

If you want to leave your house unlocked then do so - anybody walking in should call out so as not to startle the person in there, no matter what they are doing.

...

Pinkfrocks

Ok, wasn't clear in that post.

What i meant was that i'm a parody of myself.
Respectable , middle class, tows the line kind of woman.
Boring and dependable.
That suits me most of the time.
Fit in and make no waves.

But i'm really not that.

It's no news that couples "do it".
We didn't invent it.
It isn't anything to be ashamed of or proud of.
It's just sex.

Yet so taboo.

Maybe this whole ridiculous affair will put me in a new light and may even earn me a little respect. (Amateur psychology at its best here!)

But honestly saying that most couples do it is not quite the same as saying 'most couples do it and get caught by their daughter in law!!

But you are really all of those things Sick because that's how you live your life for most of the time.

We are all wild in our heads- but for the sake of society we tend to all put on a front and restrain our baser instincts.

In my younger days, and therefore my parents' younger days (60s, 70s) (them that is, not the date) I used to blithely walk into their house when visiting. It took me a while to realise there was a fear issue from them about me doing that. I couldn't work out what it was. Now I realise what it was. Your DIL could have shot back out the door and made a big song and dance about shuffling about so you could compose yourselves. Easy to say, of course, and her stiflingly religious background may account for her shock and embarrassment. Not to mention the rank ageism that goes on around sex - aren't they embarrassed that they've been so conned by advertising etc that they think its only for the young? My parents are now in their 80s, 90s and I sincerely hope they're still having a good time. I am much more careful how I go into their house these days.

I remember a particularly perfect Christmas day where all dc's were asleep at once and dh and I had some downtime . It's what you do, surely. Your ds does sound like a bit of a prig but that is the premise of the young eh. I hope they get over themselves about this, they have been very silly and you have nothing to apologise for.

Perhaps its you who needs the brain bleach? I'd be mortified too and I'm not necessarily prudish or private.

My parents have always been great ones for a tumble, so we all ring first and make a noise on the way in. Basically when I arrive I knock and yell hello! very loudly. It's etiquette. They do that to us as well.

Although it is a bit disconcerting when you stay and all you hear is 'BoffinGrandad, oo-hoo, giggle giggle, what are you doing?' of a night-time. Better now they have moved into a sturdier house, I suppose.

I've read most of the thread but not every single post - sorry! - what stuck out for me, not sure it's been mentioned hence disclaimer above, but it sounds to me as if your DIL wanted to catch you out.

Arriving two hours early with no prior phone call and what sounds like stealth entering your home - she sounds a bit paranoid tbh.

Mary, that sounds rather plausible.

Have read the full thread and am still scratching my head as to what all the fuss is about.

You decided on a bunk-up whilst the baby was asleep. Big deal.

DIL walked in on you and has chucked her toys out of her pram. She and your son need to be told to pull themselves together. The baby wasn't in any danger, he wasn't screaming himself hoarse whilst you two got it on so there's no problem. Their attitude is their problem and as other have said, they'll soon change their tune re childcare when they realise they'll have to pay for it.

Fill yer boots as my mum used to say!

MaryYellan - the OP has said that in her country it's normal for people to casually walk in. I wouldn't like it but there we are.

I agree though with perhaps trying to catch the OP out. Perhaps DIL doesn't trust her which is a whole other thread if it's true.