Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught in the act . Mortified.

567 replies

SickOfAnts · 04/08/2014 20:13

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

OP posts:
Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 09:26

RiverTam
I truely am rock n roll personified!
Have also been known to put the bins out in my nightie!
(Sorry TMI)

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 05/08/2014 09:31

I'm struggling to see why this has turned into a massive debate about the rights of a parent v the rights of relatives caring for children.
To continue the debate is to try to justify the behaviour of the DIL.

She saw sex. Embarrassment all round. You will all get over it.

FWIW I'd be MUCH more worried about a child - in time- seeing a GP smoking, ( even if not in the home) especially if they were being looked after often.

SweepTheHalls · 05/08/2014 09:36

Brazen it out and if either of them gets uppity ask if they have had sex with their PFA in the house !

CherryEarrings · 05/08/2014 09:37

OP, you have given yourself a whole new set of problems now. The admission of smoking a cigarette is a much more serious issue. Oh dear.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 05/08/2014 09:37

No, I'm sure you weren't grabby. This is just a case of embarrassment all round, I just don't like reading a lot of statements along the lines of just because a gp is providing childcare, the parents' wishes don't matter. Especially as turning down the childcare could be very upsetting for the gps and cause a lot of problems itself. I think compromise is important on both sides. Your DIL will get over the shock after a while, but I would acknowledge their upset instead of 'pulling rank' and telling them to 'shut up' as you say in the OP.

Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 09:42

The smoking issue is a point in fact.

I always smoked infront of my children.
Never in the house but never hid it outside.
I appreciate that nowadays parents would not smoke infront of DC's and understand the rationale behind it.

Not sure if this is relevant but if my 4 DS only one is a "part time" smoker.
(That really isn't relevant is it? Of a survey of 4!)

OP posts:
CherryEarrings · 05/08/2014 09:49

OP, I grew up in a fog of cigarette smoke, so did DH. Neither of us has ever smoked, we are squeaky clean about most stuff.

I have 2 DC's, one drinks and smokes, the other drinks, smokes and does hard drugs.

Such is life.

temporarilyjerry · 05/08/2014 09:49

I find the reaction of your DIL and DS odd.

Had I walked in on my inlaws DTD (God forbid), I'd have crept back out, walked round the block, then re-entered the house VERY noisily. I wouldn't have told my DH.

Had my DH told me he'd caught my DParents DTD, I would not have let them know they'd been caught.

I'm SO British Grin

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 05/08/2014 09:53

It's not just passing on the habit, it's passing on toxins through secondhand smoke, smoky clothes and hands etc. But that's not the issue and please don't start flagellating yourself for every perceived imperfection. It sounds like you are lovely parents and grandparents and have been very supportive towards them. They will get over it, but I would just be careful not to dismiss their distress completely - let the shock settle and they can get it in perspective.

MegMogandOwlToo · 05/08/2014 09:53

What would you have done if your GD woke up whilst you were having sex?

Would you have carried on what you were doing or stopped to go to her? Would you have got dressed, washed your hands etc?

I can see why your DIL is pissed off.

RiverTam · 05/08/2014 09:59

why? You're assuming that the OP and her DH would have done the former - why make that assumption? And I'm guessing as the OP looks after her DGC a lot, she has a good idea of how long he'll nap for.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 05/08/2014 10:00

Sickofants, is no idea about what had gone on before but your solution to it all sounds fantastic and exactly what we would have done as a family.

I have 5 grandchildren aged 9, 7, 3.5, 8 months and 5 weeks. My eldest was born when I was 47 and the youngest when I was 56. I'm very much a hands on granny and I notice a difference in my fitness levels from when the first one came along to now, but I'm still able to have the big ones away on holiday with just me to see my dad, and be involved in day to day care with all of them when we're at home. I do get tired at times, but at 56 I'd be getting tired no matter what I did in the day, and I can honestly say there are way more positives to being in the day to day life of my grandchildren than anything else.

I'm well aware things have moved on baby care wise since I was a young mum, they've even moved on between grandchildren, but for us it just means there are more ways of doing things to chose from.

As a family we have 4 very diverse nationalities amongst us as parents and grandparents and I think that's also helped all of us take on different ways that we may not have been familiar with whether they were a cultural thing, a 'new way' thing, or an 'old way' thing.

I hope you feel better soon - personally I blame the orange juice for you being under the weather

Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 10:16

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun

Thanks for that.

Sometimes it's not easy to be a Granny!

Of course the benefits far outweigh any liabilities as you know.

We have genuinely tried to do our best in what was an extremely difficult situation.

DH is very pragmatic and finds my angst OTT.
Maybe that's a "man thing" (dons flame retardant suit).

OP posts:
Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 10:22

MegMogandOwlToo
Yours is a valid question.

As you can imagine our sex life has not been confined to childfree moments over the past 20 odd years.
We have been distracted by babies needing attention many times and have found it to be an instant passion killer.
It takes seconds to freshen up.

Had i been mopping the floor or folding laundry i would leave a baby to cry until i finished the task in hand.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2014 10:24

I know you are mortified OP but this has made my morning.
Snorting out loud!!

Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 10:28

hellsbellsmelons

You would find this all the more hilarious if you could see me in real life.

Think middle class cliché x 100!

My sister can hardly contain herself with glee and is driving the 100km from hers to here to share the moment!

OP posts:
OpiesOldLady · 05/08/2014 10:42

Look OP, it could have been so much worse - she could have asked to join in Wink Grin

Seriously though, I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think your DIL and son need to get the sticks out of their arses and appreciate what they have.

Have you spoken to them at all since?

impatienceisavirtue · 05/08/2014 10:53

OP you have done nothing wrong, and your DIL is hideously ungrateful. It's not enough that you've given up your career to make sure that she and your son can start one, she expects you to give up your relationship with your DH? As pp have said - it wasn't a one off, you have your DGC a lot, so your life should go on as well.

My mum is my best friend, she's lovely and we are very close. Unfortunately this often leads to moments of line-crossing 'Jesus mum, no, that's my dad' oversharing that would be ok with a friend you hadn't given birth to haha. It's mortifying to know that they're still at it but it's also lovely in an icky way to know that decades on they still fancy each other and that long lasting healthy relationships are possible.

Your DIL needs to get a grip and realise how lucky she is to have such lovely and accommodating in laws.

PhallChops · 05/08/2014 10:59

My sister can hardly contain herself with glee and is driving the 100km from hers to here to share the moment!

You're not in Bavaria by any chance? I'll come too with some bubbly Wine

Original poster
SickOfAnts · 05/08/2014 11:01

Had a somewhat perfunctory text from DS this morning confirming dinner arrangements.
Something along the lines of "yes we're coming. 19.00.".
Touching.

Much toe curling and spine shivering again today.
Poor DDIL. There's not enough brain bleach in the world .

Again, i do know this is a total non story.
Everyone "does it".
Just having flashbacks and it ain't pretty.

One positive is that it's got me back on MN and reading other threads reminds me what a great forum thiis is for support.
All over the board women with problems far greater than mine are turning to internet strangers for a friendly ear.

OP posts:
PhallChops · 05/08/2014 11:01

PS - MegMogandOwlToo - You know something, if we didn't wash so much and didn't reach for the AB's at the slightest hint of a sniffle we as the Human race would be much stronger...... Leaving them to cry for a while is totally harmless, It would appear paranoia is pervading just about every walk of life.

ChickenMe · 05/08/2014 11:13

Just to say you have done nothing wrong. I would say it is their issue, not yours and if they can't move on then that's a matter for them. Don't justify yourself to these people and don't debate it with them. They are being ridiculous.

As you said your grandchild was having a siesta. I'm sure many parents have a quick one when the baby's asleep. Equally I'm sure many parents have a shower, a banging sh*t, a cat nap or make a phone call when the baby's asleep.

Whereisegg · 05/08/2014 11:18

What's for dinner?
You could have some fun with the menu and presentation Wink Grin

Beastofburden · 05/08/2014 11:20

hopefully they are over being cross and are now just embarrassed. get lots of drink in for this evening- they may need it. (and you can feel smug that they are prepared to get rat-arsed while caring for DGC- if they are)

BatshitCrazyWoman · 05/08/2014 11:22

OP, I agree with everyone on this thread who has said you did nothing wrong, and it's just your DS's and DIL's embarrassment that is causing the problem.

However, I am pretty, well, shocked is probably too strong a word, but surprised at some people's reaction to the fact that people in their 50s have sex! Do they think you suddenly stop wanting it when you get to a certain age? When is that age? And why would you not want to carry on, being as sex is so enjoyable?

FWIW, I'm 50, have DCs in their twenties, and sex for me has got better and better over the past 15 or so years - no plans at all to stop Grin