Caught in the act . Mortified.

[SickOfAnts]

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

The DIL is and DS are young yet, if students, so prob a bit horrified at DPs having sex. DIL is prob mortified but really she needs to get over it and accept oldies do these things.

And also have a pfb.

Hence the ott response. Sad that they can't just move on but surely will with time.

Op You have nothing to be mortified about.

You weren't doing anything wrong and you are embarrassed. Everyone is embarrassed. It will pass.

Your DIL is just being immature.

I remember your previous threads about this unplanned baby and think you have bent over backwards to help them.

Amazon - did you read the bit in the op about the son & dil being on holiday so they didn't need the childcare, it was offered to give them a break? They could have said no but didn't.
I'm not totally sure but my understanding is that SickofAnts looks after her gd pretty much full time, not just a few hours occasionally.

Thankyou again ladies.

Feels better to hear that the majority of you don't consider us to have done anything "wrong".

I'll get over the embarrassement in time.

As for the childcare issue, we're in the fortunate position that i don't have to work.
I didn't have some glittering career but rather a mundane job.
Looking after DGD is for me an honour and a true pleasure.
Ironically i'm much more PFB than my son and his wife.

This situation will never happen again. Rightly or wrongly i have taken their feelings on board and will respect them.

One poster suggested that using ones past parenting credentials does not make you a better parent than your children.
I whole heartedly agree.
Our parenting did differ to my son and his wife's.
Not better or worse just differerent.

I do realise that i can sometimes come out with "Well i did it like this.". Irrelevant. Times have changed and their rules apply.

Would also like to say that DGD often stays with us for 4 full days and nights.
We can't put our lives on hold for that period realistically.

I guess because sex is involved, the DIL and indeed everyone else in the family is too busy cringing to think it through.

Let's suppose OP and DH were engaged in what DIL would accept as a suitable activity for the wrinkles (I am also a wrinkly btw). Doing the worlds largest jigsaw with lots of sky perhaps, or watching a gripping documentary on how to reverse your caravan. DIL comes home 2 hs early and let's herself in v v quietly and is initially not spotted.

"I could have been a burglar"

"No, the reason you got in so quietly is you had a key"

"She might have been crying and you wouldn't hear her"

"Are you serious? Have you heard that baby cry?"

I agree, I think it is about not wanting your parents to have sex. My own adult Dc would, I know, dig out their own eyeballs with a fork and eat them rather than witness me having sex. I feel the same way about watching them DTD.

In a culture where ppl let themselves into your house without warning, and GPs do a lot of childcare, there has to be a bit more give and take.

amazons posts do contain something I recognise from my own friends: it can be very oppressive to have GPs do childcare. It can be oppressive for both sides, though. Instead of enjoying your DGC you (a) have to work set hours and put other parts of your life on hold, in this case giving up a job and (b) instead of being allowed to be yourself, grandma with a few quirks when it comes to sweets or what have you, you are an unsatisfactory amateur nanny.

More kindness all round, is what I say. I would say to your DS, you are right, having the door open when we are caring for DGC is a bad idea, we will lock it in future. But be reassured, we always hear her and she is in safe hands.

X post with OP! You are quite right, you have done nothing wrong and probably made your DS a bit jealous of his dad...

I like your last post, OP. Far more humility.

SickOfAnts you are a very sensible woman. I'm sure that when you started this thread, you didn't expect to provide so much entertainment for other posters. You have taken all comments on board in a more gracious manner than I ever could of. Much respect to you.

How's your head this morning?

Parents are not held hostage by grandparents who kindly offer childcare. It's not a secret that paid childcare is expensive. Parents have children knowing they are responsible for them and that includes organising people to care for them. If you can't afford childcare, you should be bloody grateful that your mother/MIL gives up work (giving up a salary, pension contributions and personal freedom) to look after your child so you don't have to interrupt your career plans.

It speaks volumes about the entitledness of my generation that so many people expect their parents to provide the same or greater service as nannies but for free.

The grandparents are not holding you hostage. If you want to have absolute control over how your child is cared for, then you'll have to so it yourself.

By Christ - I know MN has a few self-appointed 'Gods' around but Amazonian has added a whole new dimension. What an incredibly weak and frankly, pathetic argument - I sincerely hope that you were deliberately trying to stir-up a shitstorm as opposed to posting something you thought might have some intellectual significance!

OP - Good on you, sex in your 50s is (IME) the best ever, don't give it up for anyone - Spontaneity adds the spice . As for your DDIL & DS, a gentle reminder that had they taken appropriate measures commensurate with her position in life, prior to doing what they are lambasting you for doing, things would have been considerably different. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

It is interesting to read the views on GP childcare.

Upto now our arrangement had been fairly stress free.

My own MIL looked after my children over a period of 10 years and more.
Our agreement was very much "Your house, your rules
The children did receive some mixed messages i.e Granny insisted on wearing slippers and we didn't !
Basically i trusted MIL 100%.
She brought up DH and his brothers and did a great job of it.

The question of gratitude is a strange one.
Here many GP care for GC. It's cultural.

As I don't think I have anything new to add, I would just like to say thank you for brightening my morning

I would say that it is perhaps more down to embarrassment on her part, then anything else.

That kind of 'OMG the olds still have SEX!!! Ewww' Hopefully it will all blow over.

I don't think there is any need for anyone on this thread to be calling anyone names, though.

I guess my opinion would change if you were having sex in the same the DC was asleep in (nothing wrong with parents doing it, sometimes it is essential but I don't feel it would be appropriate for anyone else to do it) , but otherwise, don't sweat it.

Next time, LOCK the door

Oh & wrt to walking in...we walk into MIL's, though if I am on my own, I always do a little knock first, open the door & call out from the door.

I really don't think you need to be so humble here.
It's more like the grandparents are held ransom if they can't have sex in their own home when they deem it appropriate.
I'd certainly not offer again to take the baby out of their hands on holiday and insist people knock if they know you're home. Regardless of what you may be doing, I'd find it intrusive to just pop in (mainland Europe, btw).

CherryEarrings

My head feels shocking this morning.
I was alot more candid than my usual self last night.

Been out and about since 07:00 , consumed my own body weight in orange juice and smoked a cigarette. (One of my 3 a day!)

Sickofants. My parents looked after my DC in order that I could start a career. I will remain grateful to them forever. Yes there were times when I felt usurped or irritated. My mum can be very domineering tbh. However what they did for me and the relationship they have with my now adult children is really special.

UA this is obviously hitting a particular nerve with you.

I often think MN is very hard and unforgiving of their parents. It makes me smile wryly because one day our children will be talking about all of us in the same way. Tolerance between the generations means shifting your view of how the other generation is allowed to live.

Oh for god's sake - it's a baby and it was asleep in its cot. DIL is acting like she caught her toddler about to step into the swimming pool while the grandparents shagged frenziedly in the shower.

If DIL wants her PFB to be looked after by professional caregivers then she's going to have to pay for it. Leaving a baby with family means it's not going to be "perfect" - it's going to be left with people who do occasionally get on (or should I say, get off) with other stuff (or, stuffing) when it's asleep.

Don't allow yourselves to be guilt-tripped!

Lweji

The onus is on us to lock the door.
DDIL was just following the norm.

Had we locked the door and she found it locked then she would have known what we were up to.

Would that have changed her reaction?
Probably.
I really do think that her seeing what she saw has made things so much worse.

Oh poor you!

You didn't do anything wrong. They will get over it soon I'm sure.

Well, in my experience, I planned to use paid childcare which I researched before ttc. When I told my parents I was pregnant, they immediately assumed they would be looking after the baby and came round full of plans about which days they would have the baby - as far as they were concerned it was all decided. And because they wanted to do childcare at their house, they expected us to get up at 5.30am to get to where they live and to our workplaces on time.

I felt completely overwhelmed by their expectations - yes, they were just very excited, but this baby was still inside my body and to me it felt like people were already making plans to take him away from me (I planned to go part time, they were encouraging me to work more so they could have the baby). So, in my case, although it all came from a good place, it felt quite oppressive. We eventually worked out a compromise of them looking after the baby for just one day a week. They were insulted and felt that we were casting slights on their competence and kept reminding me that they'd brought up three children of their own. Yes, they had - when they were 30 years younger. They I since admitted that they actually would find it too much to do more childcare as they originally intended. Young children are tiring and they haven't got as much energy as they used to (this may not be a problem for the OP, it sounds!).

It all came from love and I'm delighted that my children have such devoted grandparents and the opportunity to develop relationships with them independently of me. But it is a tricky and delicate balance and I don't accept that it should be all 'their way' because they're doing me the favour. I'm very grateful and appreciative and I do trust them but they do it because they enjoy it, not solely to benefit me.

Just smiling that you were so consumed that you were on the living room floor or sofa or whatever :)
I suppose it doesn't really matter than it was your DIL who walked in- it could easily perhaps have been anyone- a neighbour?
Next time lock the door.

you smoke as well as shag???? Outfuckingrageous.

OP - I remember you from before too. I supported you then and I'll support you now.

Also - you look after your DGC for 4 full days and nights often? Wow, your DIL and DS can seriously fuck off - if they never shag when their baby is in the house it'll be because they has plenty of opportunity while their baby is at Grandma's!

DH and I had sex recently, in the day, while DD was downstairs watching a film. Call SS now!

But not accepting childcare (and paying for it instead) is not the same as accepting childcare from GPs (who give up enormous amounts of freedom in doing it) then insisting that they behave like nannies. If you choose to accept family childcare, you are necessarily relinquishing some control.

They're not holding you hostage because you can go elsewhere. It's like claiming that someone giving you a free holiday is holding you hostage because you don't get to pick the destination. You could day 'no' and pay for a holiday at the destination of your choosing. If you can't afford your own holiday, then you need to accept some compromise (their destination or no holiday). Either way, you made a choice.

JellyStrawberries
Food for thought.

Maybe we were a little too "grabby" when we offered our services.

A bit of background;
When DDIL fell pregnant both her and DS were in full time study (still are).
They are not financially independant but in no way did we ever (wittingly) use that as a bargaining tool.
The unplanned pregnancy caused much distress and DH and i were as supportive as possible.
We offered to pay for childcare or take on the role ourselves.
Months down the line baby was born and we all slipped into this routine.
This arrangement can be reassessed at any time.
Prohibitive cost is not a factor.

I do worry about the near future when DGD is crawling/walking.
Energy and patience levels will be tested!

Oneed to call ss, river tam, unless you are over 50 in which case police should be called too. ;)

Agree with calamitous. All childcare arrangements can be fraught with difficulty and a relinquishment of control- but that's the nature of childcare...