Caught in the act . Mortified.

[SickOfAnts]

Have once again turned to MN as in RL there is only DH to talk to.

The barebones of the story are that DH and I were caught in the act yesterday by our DDIL and the ramifications seem to be totally over the top.

We've had a stressful couple of years. Our relationship was put into question over an event which happened nearly 30 years ago, was a horrid time and still now it is in the background.

Last year our DS1 announced that his girlfriend was pregnant, they're both students in pretty full on studies. We supported them 100% and i gave up work to look after our beautiful GD.

Yesterday we looked after our GD, DS and DDIL are on holiday from uni but we offered to give them a break.
DH came home for lunch and we fawned over DGD for a while and then put her down for her siesta.
One thing led to another (consenting adults in their 50's) and to cut a long story short DDIL arrived (very quietly) and caught us in a compromising position.

Mortification is not the word.

She went into the kitchen and DH spoke to her/apologised.
She was all kinds of embarrassed.
She woke up DGD and went home.

Since then all hell has broken loose. DS can't trust us to look after DGD, if we can't hear DDIL coming in then how could we hear a baby crying?

I could die. I feel dreadful.

DH has pulled rank and has basically told DS to just drop it.

I feel sick.

Thankyou for reading this far. I know this is a total non story but it's very upsetting and embarrassing for me and i needed to share.

SickOfAnts Ah well, that'll learn her!

They're being bloody ridiculous and I'm glad your DH has told them so. Now it's up to them what they do about it isn't it... let them get on with huffing and puffing, eventually they'll realise they're being twats about it.

Yes it's embarassing to be seen that way, but your DIL arrived 2 hrs early without even a phone call to say she would be doing so... she wont make that mistake again

I wouldn't care if it was a paid childminder or a live-in nanny either if the baby was asleep. In the same way that I wouldn't care if they were watching TV or doing a bit of knitting, people are just because it's s e x. Ridiculous.

OP they owe you an enormous debt of gratitude for the last year .I remember your earlier posts , they need to grow up .

This will be fodder for a journo OP, if other recent threads are anything to go by

slithytove Mon 04-Aug-14 22:56:38
Arrrgh.

Hard one.

On a serious note though, bloody hell you gave up your job to look after their baby, and they are throwing a wobbly... Well TBH if they keep harping on about how they can't trust you I'd just shrug and say "fair enough, I'll just go back to work then"

Hmm...I think I would be horrified too if I was your DIL.

But it's blow over (ha) and I imagine I'd soon rationalise it in the terms others have discussed.

Funny thing though, if you were a paid nanny and I popped home to find your boyfriend had swung by for a lunchtime shag, I'm certain I'd fire you on the spot.

There are so many young women/couples who are held hostage by their parents wrt the care of their children.

They often have little choice but to rely on their parents for childcare.
The parents let their circle know what good and helpful grandparents they are, how self-sacrificing and how forgiving and tolerant.

But they make their children pay in (sometimes not so) subtle ways. The children end up making endless unsatisfactory compromises over the way their parents treat their babies, because they think they need to depend on them for childcare.

The parents think they can do what the hell they like while these GDCs are in their 'care' as they have done it all with their own kids and just repeat the cycle and think it's fine (as the OP herself says)

I know three young couples who are depressed and caught up in an endless cycle of trying to break away from their parents/in-laws babysitting+childminding habits, but they can't afford to or emotionally aren't allowed to.

The thing is, they think they can't afford to...the fact is, they could. It involves changing your circs a little and looking out for local help/child tax credits etc/making sacrifices of their own.

But they are too afraid and lacking in confidence to do it. So they step quietly into their in-laws or parents houses seeking their babies/young children - because they think they might be asleep and don't want to wake them.

Instead they find their own parents or in-laws having sex.

And everyone on here says they just have to suck it up - because these people are doing them a favour.

Notcontent, there's a very big difference between a woman giving up work because she should, and because she might just want to because she's become a granny. I think it's a very easy decision to make if that's the stage if life you're at -that you can do something because you can and because you want to

I think you you're being outraged just for the sake of it and reading into a post, just for the sake of it, something that wasn't there.

As for the mention of a man being expected to drop everything - yawn.

OP, I'm glad your sister was supportive. It's all a bit cringe'y but hopefully everyone will get over it. You didn't endanger the child anymore than if you had been clattering about in the kitchen or showering or listening to music. You DS and DIL are being very, very weird. I understand it would be shocking for your DIL I REALLY REALLY would not have wanted to witness my in laws smooching let alone anything else but it didn't impact on your care of the child one iota.

Hope everyone calms down soon.

Amazon, do you know something we don't know?

It sounds like you're saying this is an epidemic.

All those wrinkly, wobbly grandparents having sex.

Good God, It's everywhere.

And finally, in response to "...and everyone on here says they just have to suck it up"

I think it is fabulous that you and your DH still fancy each other so much. You have restored my faith in longterm relationships. I find it a bit hard to understand why people find the whole idea of sex so unpalatable. Having sex is a lovely way of being close to someone and even though I never ever want to see my parents having sex I would be very happy to know that they still had that joy in their lives.

Brazen it out and don't even pretend to be remorseful. Your grandchild was never at risk. You are a great example of happy parents and grandparents. I know this will sound wrong on so many levels but your grandchild will be you one day and I hope she will be getting her rocks off when she is a granny.

Well I bet she won't be letting herself in quietly again.

Really though OP, it is very funny and your DH sounds very sensible.

^But it's blow over (ha) and I imagine I'd soon rationalise it in the terms others have discussed.

Funny thing though, if you were a paid nanny and I popped home to find your boyfriend had swung by for a lunchtime shag, I'm certain I'd fire you on the spot.^

ToffeeMoon, good point. It happened to us a few years back (it sounds like something out of a sitcom, but I swear it happened). DH had a horrible case of flu and came home early to discover the new-ish nanny relaxing postcoitally with her boyfriend in our bed. We didn't actually fire her on the spot, but we gave her 4 weeks notice. I suppose that makes us hypocrites.

It wasn't just the sex, it was also the bringing a strange man into the home while the DC were there, and not using her own perfectly comfortable bed. And she didn't work out the 4 weeks, packed her bags and walked out 2 days later.

It just feels qualitatively different when it's a family member doing another family member a favour, and the person they're shagging is also part of the family. And the family members aren't shagging in your bed.

Of course it's different when it's a paid Nanny - you are paying them to do a job, not to have sex! It wouldn't be acceptable to commander an office meeting room for sex in the middle of the workday it certainly isn't acceptable to bring an unknown man into your employers house and have sex on their bed - Eurgh!!

On the other hand 2 people who are doing the childcare as a favour, both related to the child, having sex in their own home while the child napped sounds like a total non-issue. In my opinion the sensible response of the DIL would have been either to close the door again very quietly, then knock loudly and return noisily and slowly allowing the GPs to errm, return to a less 'compromising' position or if she'd been spotted, apologise profusely leave the room and never speak of it again.

Excellent point, Boleh. I will stop feeling hypocritical.

UA - I presume that you think it's generally OK for parents to have sex when kids are in the house.
Why's it different for grandparents?

Am rethinking my position on this one after your recent admission.

DH should say 'your mums not a screamer and anyway she had her mouth full!!'

She's just embarrassed. Which I can totally understand. But a few deep breaths and a bit if common sense would have led her to realise its just no that big a deal. If baby was awake and screaming with a wet nappy I tend to agree that I would have been inappropriate behaviour. But happily asleep and safe? Don't see it. You have however broken the unwritten rule that older people do not have sex especially with their longterm partners. Ever. It's the Law.

Perhaps she shouldn't have simply walked in to your house without knocking. Are you not allowed privacy? I'd be feeling a bit awkward about that if I was her.

I don't think DIL is worried about someone walking in and nobody hearing. She did this herself, and is presumably in the habit of doing this, and it hasn't bothered her before that if she could walk in then anybody could. Presumably you have been in the loo or even out hanging up clothes or using a noisy kitchen appliance, or nowhere near the door when she has arrived at other times too.

My guess is it's the sex.

I also think that despite the unlocked door thing being normal, nobody should walk right into someone else's house, and I bet most people who walk in would shout a greeting or bang the door noisily if only to avoid giving someone a heart attack or surprising someone hoisting themselves out of the bath..

Depending on where they live (abroad) there may not be childcare subsidies or tax credits or university creche places available. If they're not happy with the arrangement they have now for whatever reason, then one or both of them will need to leave their full on studies at least temporarily, and get a job to pay for childcare.

I think your son's reaction is embarrassment cos his ma and pa are still up for a good time together.

It'll blow over.

This thread is hilarious.

Had the DIL discovered a screaming red faced and very distraught baby - who was being ignored because the GPs were otherwise engaged - then she might have a point.

Presumably though, had the baby uttered a sound, the OP would have - ahem - disentangled herself to attend to her. Assuming these shocking shenanigans weren't taking place to an accompaniment of the 1812 overture at full volume or summat ......

The DS & DIL need to get real and get their heads out of their pompous backsides (no pun intended given the nature of this thread! ).

Your son and his girlfriend have produced a child while students and unable to support it.
You have given up your job to care for their child.
They dare to criticise your behaviour whilst caring for their child.
Unbelievable!
If they continue in this vein, have an in-depth discussion about gratitude and responsibility, suggest they find alternative (free) childcare, and put a lock on your front door!

I understand both sides of the argument and think Unlikely makes a very good point about parents sometimes being 'hostage' to grandparent childcare. I really dislike the 'we brought up our children and they're fine' attitude because sometimes it's used to defend much more unacceptable behaviour like not using car seats, leaving baby to cry etc. And I don't think it's just an 'ugh - older couple having sex' thing because I wouldn't be happy to encounter the same situation with BIL and SIL. I do feel sorry for the DIL because it's just not what you imagine happening when someone - anyone - is looking after your baby and everything is more anxiety-inducing with your first. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of the baby crying and the gps jumping up to attend to it all sweaty and aroused - I can imagine why she'd be upset. Maybe she's imagining it happening again when baby is older and the baby walking in unexpectedly.

In fact, the only thing UA has said that really baffled me is her weird aversion to the word 'fawn'.

Equally, I understand all the rational points that the baby was safe, that they weren't being negligent or anything. But on balance, I think if someone is babysitting for a short period of time, they should hold off shagging for the afternoon whether they're family, paid or whatever. I feel for everyone in this situation, but most acutely for the DIL.

Maybe she doesn't like the idea of the baby crying and the gps jumping up to attend to it all sweaty and aroused

Nobody jumps up to attend to babies. After the first week it's more like, oh, ok, here we go, she's crying again. Let me go to her as soon as I can without dropping the dishes I was washing.

The OP is not in the UK , no tax credits etc and if I remember rightly both ds and ddil are in heavy Uni courses , medicine, dentistry , vet science sort of thing .They have had ' enormous' amounts of support to enable them to have this child and continue at university .

Of course all of that does not mean that they have to put up with anything the grandparents say or do but it does mean that they need to grow up and accept that this is the real world .Married couples have sex , especially when babies nap