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Original poster

My 58 year old mother is pregnant by her husband that is younger than her children!!!!

200 replies

freakedthefckout · 03/08/2014 01:25

So my mum is 58, her husband is 34, they got married last year after they had broke up because he wanted children, now they are married and today they told me she is pregnant.

My mum had a son when she was 16, kept him until he was 5 years old and then gave him away apprantley because my dad wasn't very nice to him (my dad is not her sons dad) and my mum already had my older sister(with m y dad) and kept her.

When my younger brother was a teenager my mum and dad broke up and as my brother was a naughty teenager she decided it would be better for my brother to stay with my dad. There was alot of issues and family dramas which resulted in my mum and my little brother not speaking from when he was 14 to now he is 23.

So basically she felt at the time it was easier for my teenage brother not to be around so she could be with her new young partner that is 24 years younger than her, she has two children older than him.

Anyway she has been with this same young guy for about 9 years and they got marrried last year and now she is pregnant.

WTF I cannot get my head around it, my dd is very close with my mum and we spend alot of time with her. They have a very string bond and as I am a single parent my mum helps out alot.

Anyway I think its very weird that a 58 year old woman would have a child. she basically gave up two children beacuse of the men she was with at the time and now she is having a baby at such a late age in desperation to keep a man.

Also she is not a fit and healthy 58 year old, she has angina and high cholesterol and a thryoid problem. Why on eath do they both think its a good idea to put her body through this at this time in her life?

I know its their decision etc and not really my business, but when they told me i got very angry and quite frankly lost it. I just think they are weird and out of order. It is also unfair to this baby to have such and old mum, when this kid is 10 its mum will be not far off 70!!!! How is that fair?

I just needed to get it off my chest, I'm really not sure if I can be around them anymore I think they are too weird and too selfish.

OP posts:
slithytove · 03/08/2014 18:07

I thought that the natural conception success rates were only about 30%?

So if that's the case, the clinic pp have mentioned are not doing too badly

Maryz · 03/08/2014 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doziedoozie · 03/08/2014 18:14

The baby is a long way off still, with your DM's health things might not go well. Your DD will not associate you shouting and getting angry with the baby when or if it arrives.

Yes it's a bit weird but if you trust your DD with your DM surely she can also care for the baby (prob with a lot of help).

Hopefully the father will be hands on and take responsibility (he wanted it after all) and things will turn out ok. Your DM sounds nuts, but she has been pretty irresponsible all along so hopefully you can come round to accepting the situation.

FrontForward · 03/08/2014 18:24

OP. You must be shocked and worried on so many levels. I would feel much the same.
This post is very very easy to identify you from so please consider that Thanks

Original poster
freakedthefckout · 03/08/2014 19:01

I know a few of you suggested that it would be a good thing for me to stay around the the babies sake as a sister, but I don't feel like I should.

The reason for this is because I have been a very supportive sister to my younger brother because from the age of 14 he had no contact with our mum and now I'm going to have go through supporting another messed up kid! I don't like the thought of that. My mum has messed up enough kids already!

OP posts:
GarlicAugustus · 03/08/2014 19:14

Well, you don't have to :)

ChocolateWombat · 03/08/2014 19:53

It would be very intersecting OP, for us all to hear what your mother says when you ask her more about the details of all this.....when and how she found out she was pregnant, in particular. Until there is some reliable evidence, I would remain open minded about the whole thing.
Tbh, people with chaotic lifestyles (as you describe her as having) are often prone to a bit of tall story telling. Perhaps it is being in self denial about ageing, perhaps it is to keep hold of a man, perhaps it is attention seeking......who knows really!

You yourself know how trustworthy she is or isn't, based on past experience. Yes, it is possible she is pregnant, although the odds are extremely against it. You need to weigh that very tiny liklihood against the facts and the evidence that she provides you with. I really would not be accepting it just on the basis of her having said it is the case.
Sorry to sound untrusting....it's just that when you consider the facts, it is so so unlikely to be true.

GRW · 03/08/2014 20:07

My friend had twins at 50 after having IVF in a clinic in Cyprus, so with egg donation it certainly is possible to be pregnant at 58. The risk of Down syndrome depends on the age of the egg donor rather than the birth mother, so the OP's Mum wouldn't be at especially high risk if she is pregnant using the eggs of a young donor.

Original poster
freakedthefckout · 03/08/2014 20:17

Chocolate - I honestly don't think it's a lie. They have been to Cyprus twice! After others comments I have looked online at Cyprus fertility clinic and they do not have age limits etc. She was taking vitamins and sap tone which is gentle iron which pregnant women often take.

I honestly don't think she is lying! I would be much much happier if it was a lie!

OP posts:
shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 20:31

Freaked, you have a daughter.

Imagine she became pregnant at a very YOUNG age. There would be shock, anger, tears and shouting but really, once the pregnancy is an established fact, what can you do?

Do you think your Mum should terminate?

Do you think she should give the baby up for adoption?

Obviously she doesn't want to do either of those things. Maybe - just maybe - she wants this child.

slithytove · 03/08/2014 20:46

Share a coke

Imagine that same daughter had given up one kid and practically disowned another, then had another all in the name of keeping / pleasing a guy.

Would you still feel quite so supportive?

Add to that, the unconditional love we have for our kids isn't always there for our parents.

OP, YANBU, feel very sorry for you, feel very sorry for this baby.

You are in a very difficult position. I know if I were you I would struggle to walk away knowing the baby would probably need support, and I would resent that completely.

LadyofSpain · 03/08/2014 20:53

Your reaction is completely understandable and you have my utmost sympathy.x.

The first thing you need to do is find out if your mum really is pregnant. Only then can you decide how you want to deal with it, and whether you want any input for yourself and your little girl. How your mum has behaved in the past won't matter if there really is a baby. Only how she is going to be in the future, and that's not something that you need to be responsible for. That's for her and her husband to handle.

Two things that perhaps you should bear in mind though. At her age and given her medical history no one knows how - or even if - she will come through this. Do you want to be in a position of having no contact should the worst happen? The other thing is that if you break off your daughter's relationship with your mum, she may well resent you when she is old enough to fully understand.

You are in a really awful position, so take the time to discover the truth. Your mum has made her choice and nothing will change that. You need to follow your heart and make yours. I wish you well.

Maryz · 03/08/2014 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 21:04

Yeah but slithy, that's different to yelling about Down's syndrome, isn't it?

She might be a rubbish mum - I don't know (although the OP seems happy for her to have extended care of her own daughter) but rubbish mum or not, she's pregnant and she's having it.

ICanHearYou · 03/08/2014 21:33

I find it a bit sour how Down's Syndrome is being held up on this thread as an unspeakable consequence of this situation.

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 21:45

That's more because of what the OP said though - must be hard reading if you have or have close contact with a downs child Flowers

slithytove · 03/08/2014 22:20

Mentioning the possibility of DS is a red herring, an erratic comment doesn't change the fact that OP is probably correct to feel shocked/angry/upset/all of the above.

I think I can forgive that reaction considering the person OP has described.

Yes, this baby is (hopefully) coming. But OP doesn't have to be happy about it. And it sounds like the baby won't have a great parent sadly. Maybe the dad will make up for it.

WitchWay · 03/08/2014 22:46

With angina she might not make it to the end of the pregnancy Sad

Maryz · 03/08/2014 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyBabs · 03/08/2014 23:14

Op I think you're getting a hard time.

I can't imagine how your head must feel.

I hope it all all works out Flowers

springydaffs · 04/08/2014 00:17

This sounds a bit low but I wonder what social services would make of this? Not because she is older but because she has a terrible track record as a parent and makes terrible decisions to please her man.

I'm not surprised you lost it OP Flowers

Original poster
freakedthefckout · 04/08/2014 00:32

Well I've just spoken with my brother about it, he thinks I'm blowing it of of proportion and that I should still just talk to my mum because of my dd.

The difference is he is detached from the situation due to them not speaking for around 9 years and they have only very recently started talking again.

My family are so used to being dis-functional that something as absurd as this doesn't really surprise them.

I know my mum and dd are close and I don't want them to loose their relationship, that's the last thing in the world that I want!

But I have to decide if it would be more damaging to break my mums and dds relationship or to let my dd stay around them all with their weird situation!

My dd even said to me today she will look after the baby! And she was upset when we found out that she didn't know already because she said she knows all my mums secrets!

OP posts:
SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 04/08/2014 01:08

its clearly not a healthy situation freaked - i would withdraw. say good luck - but withdraw.

your dd should not be feeling responsible for her grandmothers child or her grandmothers secrets.

you sound grounded and relatively undamaged - make the most of that fact and run like the fucking wind....

i base my advice on my own crappy, dysfunctional mother....we have had no conctact now for 14 years. no regrets. similar ish background to you.

i brought up my 2 children without any family support - its not the end of the world to do it alone.

id leave them to their fucked up situation and get on with my own life if i were you.

Darkesteyes · 04/08/2014 01:17

Society being what it is with women expected to be the caregivers, it is unlikely that your brother will be the one expected to care for the baby if anything happens to your mum or her partner.

So of course your brother is going to say "Don't blow it out of proportion" because he knows it wont affect him and he wont be expected to step up.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/08/2014 02:58

Gosh what a shock for you.

I would be worried about her health, and what measures they've put in place should the worst happen - though not sure how you'd ask this politely (!).

I would also be worried about your dd in this volatile situation.

If indeed it turns out to be true.

Oh and I'd be making alternative childcare plans ASAP, as your mum will probably be very ill throughput the pregnancy, if she does manage to keep it to term. I'd she under specialist care? Surely she must be as she's so very old to carry a baby?