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Original poster

My 58 year old mother is pregnant by her husband that is younger than her children!!!!

200 replies

freakedthefckout · 03/08/2014 01:25

So my mum is 58, her husband is 34, they got married last year after they had broke up because he wanted children, now they are married and today they told me she is pregnant.

My mum had a son when she was 16, kept him until he was 5 years old and then gave him away apprantley because my dad wasn't very nice to him (my dad is not her sons dad) and my mum already had my older sister(with m y dad) and kept her.

When my younger brother was a teenager my mum and dad broke up and as my brother was a naughty teenager she decided it would be better for my brother to stay with my dad. There was alot of issues and family dramas which resulted in my mum and my little brother not speaking from when he was 14 to now he is 23.

So basically she felt at the time it was easier for my teenage brother not to be around so she could be with her new young partner that is 24 years younger than her, she has two children older than him.

Anyway she has been with this same young guy for about 9 years and they got marrried last year and now she is pregnant.

WTF I cannot get my head around it, my dd is very close with my mum and we spend alot of time with her. They have a very string bond and as I am a single parent my mum helps out alot.

Anyway I think its very weird that a 58 year old woman would have a child. she basically gave up two children beacuse of the men she was with at the time and now she is having a baby at such a late age in desperation to keep a man.

Also she is not a fit and healthy 58 year old, she has angina and high cholesterol and a thryoid problem. Why on eath do they both think its a good idea to put her body through this at this time in her life?

I know its their decision etc and not really my business, but when they told me i got very angry and quite frankly lost it. I just think they are weird and out of order. It is also unfair to this baby to have such and old mum, when this kid is 10 its mum will be not far off 70!!!! How is that fair?

I just needed to get it off my chest, I'm really not sure if I can be around them anymore I think they are too weird and too selfish.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/08/2014 14:31

OP I agree that you need to focus on yourself right now and seriously consider talking all this over with a professional.

Pinkfrocks · 03/08/2014 14:37

Your reaction OP is similar to teens who are suddenly shocked that their parents haves ex- when they announce anew babe on the way! You are making judgements about what is 'right' for your mother.
I agree that it sounds an unwise choice on her part- but she's been making (MIO) unwise choices all her life! This is one more.

You are also reacting to losing her support- tough. I've never had my Mum's support day to day due to distance, so you need to get over that.

You need to talk to someone impartial so you work through all these issues.

Floop · 03/08/2014 14:43

I still don't believe it.

OP, you need evidence of this pregnancy. Scans, sticks, any thing.

I really worry that a woman with form for playing mind games with her kids is up to something sinister and lying here.

I'd be meeting up with her pronto, and asking questions. IVF related ones especially. Only when I've got my answers could I deal with the emotional fall out.

Haffdonga · 03/08/2014 14:45

Agree that it's time to look after yourself and dd first.What your mum decides to do with her own life is secondary to you and your dd.

You sound as if your biggest worry is feeling embarrassed about this but you didn't make this decision. You have no responsibility for it. You will need to cope with the loss of childcare as you would have if your mum had become ill or gone to live in Cyprus. You just get on with it.

Please remember though that the child coming into this situation holds no blame. Your mum will be nearing 80 by the time your sibling is ready to leave home. She or he may well benefit from having a caring older sister in their life. Perhaps a focus on the baby when it comes, and away from your mum and a return offer of the childcare your mum has done for you would be the best approach for everyone including you and your dd.

edamsavestheday · 03/08/2014 15:06

Wow, what a situation. I can see why you are shocked and appalled but there's nothing you can do about the fact that your mother is pregnant (if she is). You can only choose how you react. Do you feel strongly enough to lose your relationship with your mother over this? Or to distance yourself from her)

Haffdonga · 03/08/2014 15:07

By the way, I think it's impossible for your mum to have conceived with her own eggs. All post menopausal pregnancies have been achieved through donor eggs or frozen embryos so the risks of Downs etc are not the same as those of an older mother.

Original poster
freakedthefckout · 03/08/2014 15:08

I don't know how much ivf costs but I do know her husband would be able to afford it I'm assuming it's on he region of 7-10k and if so yes he could afford it.

Also they had 2 trips to Cyprus so maybe tired both times I'm not sure!

OP posts:
SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 03/08/2014 15:08

freaked - you must be in total shock.

I think that all you can do is try to process your feelings away from the situation - i can understand why you went ape shit.

clearly your mother has invested a lot of time and effort into getting pg and all you can do is decide how much involvement you want.

maybe a frank conversation is going to be needed about your mother and her partners expectations of you - what you can and cant manage. Maybe you need to ask those questions that would be preying on most peoples minds - what are the contingency plans for if your mother dies while this child is still very young?
you need to consider this and lay out very clearly what you are and are not prepared to do, and i think you need to take some time out and get some support for your own feelings on this before you speak to them again.

im 42 and if i were to get pg now i would be jumping off a cliff....my 2 are grown up and no way would i want to go backwards and do it all again - are you worried that there may be expectations placed on you to take on a parenting role?

if i were you i would look into counselling - you may need help to process the anger that you are currently feeling. i know i would....

you have my sympathies - but now you can only be responsible for your own feelings on this - because its done.

Original poster
freakedthefckout · 03/08/2014 15:11

And yes she makes a lot of crap choices I know that!

Also I have been in counselling for around 4/5 years as my mum and my dad are both crazy! I've been working on myself for years as I want to be a decent parent to my dd and not cause her to be messed up as an adult!

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 03/08/2014 15:13

Sorry. Virtually impossible and almost all.

stats

Floop · 03/08/2014 15:30

OP, did she go to Cyprus 12 weeks ago?

AnAirOfHope82 · 03/08/2014 15:34

Im afraid if this was my mum I would be saying "how lovly for you both. I will give you some space to enjoy being a new family unit with your new child" and I would move with no forewarding addresse. I would not want the drama or hassle on my life and I would disagree with her decision.

The risk of health problems to both her and the baby is high. If she is lieing, I would not want to know her anyway.

It is her choice and her life and I would wish her well but I would want nothing to fo with it. Her responsability.

SuburbanRhonda · 03/08/2014 15:52

OP, why are you so certain she is pregnant?

What evidence has she given you aside from just saying she is?

lotsofcheese · 03/08/2014 16:00

OP, did you have a thread on your mum within the last year or so? I thought I remembered one?

Pinkfrocks · 03/08/2014 16:03

OP- she'd be very lucky to be PG at her age after 1 IVF treatment.
Not sure why she'd try Cyprus- are you? Spain is evidently further ahead with these things.

I also question whether any dr- it is ethical??- would implant an embryo in a 58 yr old who had serious health problems- like angina.
Unless the whole thing was completely about money and they did no checks on her health or counselled her about the risks.

Have you asked her about any of this?

Maybe there is a baby coming but from a surrogate mum.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 03/08/2014 16:22

Pissing myself laughing at the posters saying that OP is not being very mature" or "supportive". Something tells me people saying that have little or no direct experience of chaotic families.

Actually, I think her mum is not being very mature, and sounds like a nightmare, so I can see why OP doesn't much feel like supporting her.

This is a woman who gave away her 5 year old son, because her new man didn't like him. She stopped speaking to her other son when he was 14. Should anyone really be supportive of this woman having more children?

I think the best and only thing to do is to try and distance yourself as much as possible. If the baby is real, and does go full term, then focus any energy you can muster on supporting the child, God Knows it will need all the help it can get.

ouryve · 03/08/2014 16:24

If you follow in your mum's footsteps, hormonally, then you should have a good long run before you have to deal with hot flushes and night sweats, then.

Darquesse · 03/08/2014 16:33

What a nightmare! I hope you find a way to come to terms with all of this although I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to. Sounds like the child is going to need someone around who is more rational.

ChocolateWombat · 03/08/2014 16:45

I find it a amazing that so many posters are so quick to be sure this woman is pregnant, when it is so extremely unlikely.
As far as I can tell, OP has no evidence, beyond the mother saying she is. Given the background information, but particularly the age which makes it so unlikely, I would be asking for evidence rather than commiserating with/advising the OP on how to react/support her mother.

It is always good to delve a bit deeper to establish exactly what is and isn't going on.

Deux · 03/08/2014 16:47

I think this is entirely possible. Just googled it.

There's a clinic in Cyprus that has no upper age limit for donor eggs. It would only require a visit of 5 - 7 days.

EverythingCounts · 03/08/2014 17:13

I've also heard about Cyprus doing treatments on older women.

WhatTheFork · 03/08/2014 17:29

My mother pretended she was pregnant when she was in her early fifties. Younger man, in denial about ageing, narcissist ... You name it. DH and I were trying at the time and I had packets of tests in my bathroom. She was wittering on about her duffage and I told her to use one of the tests upstairs. -ve, quelle surprise!

GarlicAugustus · 03/08/2014 17:35

Interesting story, Fork!

I found the Cyprus clinic's website. It sounds really good, actually - from their own website, obvs, but I've seen far less inspiring ones. They offer IVF with donor eggs and say they've successfully implanted women over 60.

This clearly isn't the place for a debate over the whole issue - several of my same-aged friends would be perfectly able to bear & raise another child (though none are!) so I don't see it as 'wrong' in every case. OP's mother sounds very - umm, scatty, though.

Pinkfrocks · 03/08/2014 17:35

IF she is pregnant then she is very lucky- been looking at the main treatment centre in Cyprus and they quote a 30% success rate for donor eggs/ implantation.
There also needs to be a lot of preparation for this- medical screening, assessment of the woman who then takes drugs to prepare her for receiving the eggs.
So if she has had 1 attempt at 58 and it's worked when 2 out of 3 fail, she's very lucky.

You need to ask a lot more questions, OP.

rainbowsmiles · 03/08/2014 18:00

oh boy!!! Yeah maybe shouting and getting upset wasn't the best reaction but holy cow!!!!

What a mother....I understand your reaction completely. I hope when you recover from the shock and get your head around it you are able to support your mum.

It's a crazy situation but it doesn't have to be terrible. The father will be young enough and hopefully you and your own daughter can be the young positive female influence in the child's life.

I hope it works out for you.