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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL is sabotaging our wedding.

158 replies

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 15:43

She texted me on Monday evening – but addressed the text to my H2B – calling me petty and saying there was a major problem with her daughter trying on the bridesmaid dress saying “every bride would want there Bridesmaids to look their best – don’t you think???” I ignored it – and Hubby 2b called her and explained the dresses were elsewhere and until we had them the bridesmaid could then come and try it on...

Roll on to this past Saturday night…

She caused an argument with my sister at my hen do, she grabbed my sister, and was shouting in her face, my sister gave her as good as she got - we spoke on the Sunday and just said to just forget it - she then woke up on the Monday morning and texted me saying she wanted a full apology from my sister (who is married herself with kids) to go to her with my mum and dad so they can hear her apologise....or else she fears something will happen on the wedding day as HER family are aware of what has happened and are not happy....

I texted back she isn't going to get an apology and how dare she ask when she is the one causing all her own upset (not the first argument she has caused the last time she has been nose to nose with me at our friends wedding - who she has since texted to tell them she is worried about my H2B - and she is not a liar and is not a trouble maker...this is 11pm at night)

she has told me, and H2B's friends - and her family - that they will all not be attending H2B's wedding as I am scum, and if he chooses her over me and THAT family then he can f8ck off out of her house and never come back. – (we already live together and I was at the bottom of the stairs) – he came running down after more shouting and screaming and we left. He was heartbroken. I spent the night consoling him.

He’s dad came over Tuesday night after we had been to marriage preparation and backed up what his mother said – she wont come to wedding until she gets an apology – my sister wont be giving an apology as she has done nothing wrong. My friends saw what happened (the one she texted) – me and hubby quite rightly couldn’t care less who said what or started what – we just want this to be dropped and forgotten about so we can get married in peace!!

She was screaming that he was her first love, her first born, her first son. Is she struggling that her son is now growing up and becoming a man?

His sister, as much as she says doesn’t want to get involved – then proceeds to text him through the night….telling him that she misses him, he is her big brother – always will be, and will stick by him whatever he decides…(?) basically acting as if he is emigrating.

The church, cars, venue, tog, dresses, shoes, presents have all been bought. I am heartbroken. I am gutted she could do this to her son - and also to have no respect for me. It's my wedding. I am the bride - not her. He hasn't chosen any sides, we don't know how the argument started. She said my sister was probably jealous that I was getting all the attention on my hen night. She arranged it - because I arranged hers years ago.

He is due to go and see her tonight and have a heart to heart with her. She will probably try and turn him against me. He said he will walk out but she is manipulating him by saying no one will come to the wedding. I don't know if he could go through with it without his family - they mean the world to him and she knows it. He said it will happen 100% with or without them and is adamant he wants to sit down and talk things through with his mum sensibly.

OP posts:
Baddderz · 04/08/2014 16:14

Honestly?
Why not just elope and have a party when you get back?

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 04/08/2014 16:26

Wedding is all paid for. Everything. If we cancel it we stand to lose over 10k.

I've said this to him - by not telling her the score he upsets me. I feel second best. Our children will.

Badderz - I would. H2b wants a church wedding, he is roman catholic.

OP posts:
Baddderz · 04/08/2014 16:30

Ok.
So what about what you want?
You will always be second best.
I find it very sad you think that's acceptable.
And believe me, that's gets harder to bear when the children arrive.
I can cope with people treating me like shit, but no one messes with my kids.

goshhhhhh · 04/08/2014 16:30

Hasn't mil lost the money as she has paid for it? Elope & have a church wedding - just you. You don't need lots of people for a church wedding.

Baddderz · 04/08/2014 16:31

...and so you lose £10k?
It's really not the end of the world.
I would think - personally - that £10k is a small price to pay for making your future life better and easier.
But I know that's easier said than done.

Baddderz · 04/08/2014 16:32

Yes, by all means a have church wedding, just not with as many people.

Meerka · 04/08/2014 16:42

dimples all this must be devastating for what should be a happy time.

It might be better to consider letting the 10k go. The sheer shit she's causing is ruining it all. And .. Im sorry but you really need to know your DHTB is actively on your side with his actions as well as words.

and H2B's friends - and her family - that they will all not be attending H2B's wedding as I am scum, and if he chooses her over me and THAT family then he can f8ck off out of her house and never come back

If only she meant what she said.

nerdsgirl · 04/08/2014 16:50

My H2B left me because his mother was exactly like how your describe your MIL. I was absolutely devastated, inconsolable and i'll never be more thankful to be honest. I was probably the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.
I loved that man beyond words, i was accepting, i took everything on the chin, but she eventually got to him.

It just isn't worth it, you will never reach an understanding with her and inevitably it will always leave tremors within your relationship until eventually one of you gives out, no matter how much you love one another.

I really wish you the best.

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 04/08/2014 16:55

thank you for all your help x

OP posts:
Baddderz · 04/08/2014 17:03

I really feel for you op.
It's easy to come across as flippant when posting on threads like these but most posters are saying the same...run away fast :(
Not easy I know.
But I really don't see how this situation ends well for you, either on your wedding say or later on...
X

magoria · 04/08/2014 17:14

You need to gaze into your crystal ball.

You get married. She either behaves or doesn't.

You get pregnant. From the minute you tell her your life will be stress. This is bad for a pregnancy. She wants to be at the birth. She will strip your child of it's clothing and put on what she wants it to wear. She will wake it deliberately after you have spent several knackering hours getting it to sleep. She will not hand it back when you request despite the child being distressed. She wants to see the child on it's own over night from mmm 2 weeks? She decides to moan that you are breastfeeding it is not fair because she cannot feed your DC. She complains your family see DC more than she does. You decide to trust her but despite your requests she feeds your DC what she wants whether you have weaned or not. If there are any intolerances etc they don't really exist so she will feed your child this/have it around risking your DC.

Your H tries to reason with her. She cries to relatives that YOU are coming between her and her grandchild and that SHE has rights. Despite agreeing to what your H says within a month she is back off doing exactly what she wants to your DC.

That is the first 6 months of your DCs life.

Are you exhausted and stressed yet just reading that? Because it isn't going to stop EVER until you divorce and she then can see DC when ever she likes with your now exH and you will have no control or your H cuts her off (not going to happen is it).

Their first birthday rolls around...

Don't think I am exaggerating any of this. Just going and find some posts from others with MILs from hell. This is the nicer stuff they do!

I would postpone the wedding until you 100% know you have OH at your back.

TwinkleDust · 04/08/2014 17:18

It's already spoilt really, isn't it..? Money is just money; it sounds like this won't be the wedding you will enjoy, celebrate, and look back on with fond memories. You could ask him to get the priest to talk to her. One last shot to put it right.

Sylvana · 04/08/2014 18:10

I agree with Twinkle. If you still want to go ahead with the wedding then arrange to meet with the Priest and tell him everything and ask him to intervene on your behalf. She will be mortified Wink. I would also consider postponing.

QuintessentiallyQS · 04/08/2014 18:12

10 k is a small price to pay for freedom to live your life the way you want, and have peace and no feuds, or drama.

Jux · 04/08/2014 18:15

You are looking at the rest of your life, here; she will always be like this, she will not change. Nothing in your life will just happen, it will always involve how to tell MIL/not upset MIL/get round MIL etc etc etc.

You and stbh have to stand together, or you will be miserable as sin.

As was said upthread, get someone to police her through your wedding. She will kick off otherwise, and may do so anyway, but it may be ameliorated if someone is keeping an eye on her.

Good luck.

QuintessentiallyQS · 04/08/2014 18:34

The best indication of a person future behavior, is through looking at their past behavior.

See how your Mil has behaved, and is behaving, and we can pretty much predict her future behavior.
And that of your husband. Saying he has enough, but not having the back bone to side with you.

It is not looking good.

Damnautocorrect · 04/08/2014 18:44

I'm not married to my oh for the simple reason I don't want to be part of his family!!!
Obviously this comes with risks as legally but honestly I wouldn't want to be part of it

cuddybridge · 04/08/2014 19:18

I uninvited my DM from my wedding the week before we married as she wasn't respecting my DH
I could hear the tantrum from 200 miles away,
we had the best day with guests who loved US enough to come,
since then whenever my DM has been too disrespectful, I remind her that she is in our lives by our choice.

Go for it, uninvite her, only positives will come from it, I promise you, although I know its a seriously scary thought

hamptoncourt · 04/08/2014 19:30

As your wedding is obviously so upsetting for her, and she dislikes you and your family so much, you would be doing her a favour by uninviting her.

Just frame it in such a way that it sounds like you are doing it for her own benefit.

For what it is worth, if you marry this man you are signing up for a lifetime of this shit, but I don't think you are really taking any of that advice on board are you?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 04/08/2014 20:00

op your mil is a classic narc . Go on to the stately homes thread on relationships and you will get done brilliant advice there.

My mil cried tears of sadness at sils wedding.
She has terrorised her for 18 years and she is one of the reasons they are getting divorced.
She has tried it on with me a few times but she knows dp will go NC with her as he has done before over his ex.

The worst is the emotional black mail and manipulation she does with sils kids. It turns my stomach.

You need to think long and hard about what your going to do. Look in to the future and be honest. This woman can't change. She has a personality disorder.

Personally I would out my cards on the table with your dp and say you can't have her at the wedding. You both know she will hijack it. It will probably kick of with both family's.

Hell would freeze over if my mil did what yours is threaten to do at my wedding.

allibaba · 04/08/2014 20:05

Dimples my FIL threatened to not come to our wedding. There is a whole back story here which is too long to goin to here but needless to say I was hated from sight because I threatened to take his precious son away.

We said fine, he backed down. He did the same at DS1's christening. In fact the last decade has been littered with his childish behaviour.

I won't lie its not been easy but my DH has always been on OUR side not theirs which does always help. I never thought I wouldn't marry DH because of them. Don't play to your MIL. There are mental health issues in our case to but even so you cannot play the game and must disengage for your own piece of mind and sake of your relationship.

Good luck Thanks

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 04/08/2014 20:13

Also if you start apologising for shit you haven't done now prepare to carry on for the rest of your life.

DustBunnyFarmer · 04/08/2014 20:22

This thread is reminding me why I didn't invite my mum to our wedding. I knew she couldn't be trusted not to ruin it. Still couldn't have any photos of us exchanging our vows in our wedding album because my sis (bridesmaid) was in shot in every photo with a face like a slapped arse. My feeling is that your MIL doesn't deserve to be there.

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/08/2014 21:53

Unfortunately your MiL sees your wedding day as wholly about her and her feelings. She is unlikely to behave herself on the day and will probably feel completely justified in doing whatever she wants. She won't feel bad about it, she will probably get satisfaction from any drama created and attention that comes from it and will see success in affecting other people's day. This is my experience from living with a family member with a personality disorder not being well managed who inevitably set out to destroy any day where anyone else in the family was in any way shown more attention than usual or even potentially looked like throwing a shadow in their limelight. It was too big a threat to them to be tolerated.

You are in a very tough situation and I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this stress. It may help reduce that stress to clarify in your mind that reasoning with her or hoping she may pull it together is probably not going to be an answer: as a PP said, she is not reasonable or seeing this through reasonable eyes. It is very difficult loving someone with severe mental illness and strong boundaries are essential.

SarcyMare · 04/08/2014 22:07

"He doesn't want to un-invite her - he doesn't want to make things worse."

you have your answer here, you will be pandering to her your whole life, tell him to f'off