MIL is sabotaging our wedding.

[dimplesinmybuttcheeks]

She texted me on Monday evening – but addressed the text to my H2B – calling me petty and saying there was a major problem with her daughter trying on the bridesmaid dress saying “every bride would want there Bridesmaids to look their best – don’t you think???” I ignored it – and Hubby 2b called her and explained the dresses were elsewhere and until we had them the bridesmaid could then come and try it on...

Roll on to this past Saturday night…

She caused an argument with my sister at my hen do, she grabbed my sister, and was shouting in her face, my sister gave her as good as she got - we spoke on the Sunday and just said to just forget it - she then woke up on the Monday morning and texted me saying she wanted a full apology from my sister (who is married herself with kids) to go to her with my mum and dad so they can hear her apologise....or else she fears something will happen on the wedding day as HER family are aware of what has happened and are not happy....

I texted back she isn't going to get an apology and how dare she ask when she is the one causing all her own upset (not the first argument she has caused the last time she has been nose to nose with me at our friends wedding - who she has since texted to tell them she is worried about my H2B - and she is not a liar and is not a trouble maker...this is 11pm at night)

she has told me, and H2B's friends - and her family - that they will all not be attending H2B's wedding as I am scum, and if he chooses her over me and THAT family then he can f8ck off out of her house and never come back. – (we already live together and I was at the bottom of the stairs) – he came running down after more shouting and screaming and we left. He was heartbroken. I spent the night consoling him.

He’s dad came over Tuesday night after we had been to marriage preparation and backed up what his mother said – she wont come to wedding until she gets an apology – my sister wont be giving an apology as she has done nothing wrong. My friends saw what happened (the one she texted) – me and hubby quite rightly couldn’t care less who said what or started what – we just want this to be dropped and forgotten about so we can get married in peace!!

She was screaming that he was her first love, her first born, her first son. Is she struggling that her son is now growing up and becoming a man?

His sister, as much as she says doesn’t want to get involved – then proceeds to text him through the night….telling him that she misses him, he is her big brother – always will be, and will stick by him whatever he decides…(?) basically acting as if he is emigrating.

The church, cars, venue, tog, dresses, shoes, presents have all been bought. I am heartbroken. I am gutted she could do this to her son - and also to have no respect for me. It's my wedding. I am the bride - not her. He hasn't chosen any sides, we don't know how the argument started. She said my sister was probably jealous that I was getting all the attention on my hen night. She arranged it - because I arranged hers years ago.

He is due to go and see her tonight and have a heart to heart with her. She will probably try and turn him against me. He said he will walk out but she is manipulating him by saying no one will come to the wedding. I don't know if he could go through with it without his family - they mean the world to him and she knows it. He said it will happen 100% with or without them and is adamant he wants to sit down and talk things through with his mum sensibly.

had them before after the wedding fiasco. Was fine for a while up until the weekend obviously...

I don't know what the problem is. I've mentioned everything I can think of and tried to think of ways around it. But then I think why should I have to keep her happy. She should just be happy for us.

The row was about:

Me and H2B deciding to not go abroad to see the older distant family of H2B's as they cannot afford to come over and see us on our wedding day...and they are in their 80's/90's - I've never heard of them or met them, H2B cant remember when he last saw them...!

so she said why don't you spend your honeymoon time, and any gift wedding money on flights, and pay for another party abroad, (again from any wedding fund money we get, if we get much I don't know..haven't asked people for money, ive said gift how you see fit, if people want to give us a gift great - money - also great - I'm not getting married to get gifts anyway!)

anyway, I said no thank you as we couldn't afford to do it regardless of wedding money - we are using our annual leave to go away as newly weds as planned on a package last minute deal, try and get a bargain.

She got the arse and cried and then had to tell the family abroad we aren't going to see them (she told them we would when she was out in May...and then came back and more or less instructed H2B first - and then around the dinner table - with everyone there - asked me if I thought it was a good idea - so at a table full of family eyes she asked me - I said I would think about it with H2B...so when we got back home we discussed it and he said he wasn't too fussed and was concerned how we were going to pay for it - with paying for the wedding here we decided we had enough of our plates without thinking about another party, - she even said about not using the favours at this wedding to have over there instead.

we always did plan to go see them - just not directly after the wedding - in our own time - but she decided it wasn't quick enough. So after thinking about it we said no. and we will do it in our own time.

And that was also the row at the friends wedding. She told me I had pissed her off....I just cant rationalize with the woman.

All I know from Saturday is my sister went over as she saw her sitting on her own and said don't sit alone - come and dance with us...what was said after that to escalate it to a row I don't know.

I just cant rationalize with the woman. No one can because she is not reason with the unreasonable. It's either her way or it's wrong.

Go ahead with your wedding with or without them.

Dimples obviously it's beyond clear the air talks, it's ultimatum time.

You and your H2B love each other and that is what matters beyond all else.
Don't gift the power to spoil your big day to anyone.

If you get a chance to speak to his mother I would deliver the ultimatum that the two of you make each other happy and that you hope she'll respect that and also be happy for him. Say you hope that a fresh page can be started leaving all the 'pre wedding tensions' behind you all. That's just a euphemism, but let it lie as much you can, well, in public anyway.

If she blusters or tries to issue her own demands and threats just breathe deeply and parrot back 'that's very sad, but of course it's your choice' and leave it.

Concentrate all your energies on the good things and looking forward to your day, all the rest needs to be boxed off as insignificant ranting on her behalf. I know it's easier said than done but if you can eyeroll and leave her to it, it's much better than letting it upset you or cause problems between you and H2B.

I plan too. I just hope now it can be put to bed and she can slap a smile on her face and just be bloody happy for her son instead of making everything about her. She's not likely to be forgotten about.

I just don't understand why you would do that to your own son - but that's something I will never understand.

thanks everyone for all your advice - good to know it wasn't just me thinking she is one crazy ass mofo.

'crazy ass mofo' - she may be crazy but your description is rather misogynist, OP. (I presume you know what it means?)

Anyway, I hope you and dp can work it out between you.

dimples .... she isn't rational.

You need a different mindset here. You can't reason with a very young toddler (much) and you can't reason with someone who rules the roost. Someone who's interested in ruling the roost's more interested in getting her own way than in rational behaviour. She probably sees her son as 'hers' and not as a grown up man. Her approach to this wedding is all about her, not him. When you deal with her, be aware that she's got this very different mindset.

She won't have changed. She may listen to her son, your husband-to-be's warning and control herself or she may not. If she does, don't relax your guard for a looooong time - years. She may well try more subtle ways to exert her power over him now.

ALso, if you go for babies, expect the awful behaviour to surge again.

If you keep a united front (yay for your husband to be standing up to her, lots of people in your situation the husband crumbles!) then it'll be a hell of a lot easier to manage.

Keep thinking Headstrong Toddler when you deal with her.

Btw there is just a chance that her son standing up to her has cracked the carapace around her and she'll wake up and become a reasonable human being. it does happen. It´s not a big chance tho!

I hope you have a lovely and happy day :)

Blimey - the mother in law and your STBDH's sister sound like a right pair of chavs! I'd stand well back from this one and just say it's a shame what's happened, but maybe they are right (as it's them who are saying they won't come - not you) and that perhaps they shouldn't be involved in the day if there's going to be so much drama and strong feelings.

You want peace and romance on your wedding day - that isn't unreasonable of you. You aren't going to get it with those two loonies trying to mess everything up. They sound very jealous and like they need to get some hobbies and a life!

Try and keep quiet - give them enough rope to hang themself by giving out to your STBDH and he'll see you being calm and dignified, and them acting like rough fishwives!

Enjoy planning the day with your friends, sister, etc - the people who want you to both to enjoy it... and keep arm's length from the nutters who are trying to ruin in, without any reason other than being weird that I can see.

And your bloke needs to stick up for you... in a calm but definite way. "I'm marrying [OP] and if you can't be trusted to behave on the day then stay away and we'll have a family meal after the day".

Good luck x

It sounds like you're marrying into my husband's family! Unless he is firm with her from the start and limits contact with her, there will always be a third person in your marriage. You will need to limit contact with her yourself to only really the necessary visits I.e Christmas, birthdays etc otherwise she will drive you crazy. I am married into a family like this except there are four in my marriage which include my mil and bil. I just googled narcissistic after reading it here and it is scary how much they fit the bill. But that is another story.
What I'm trying to say is, it's down to your new hubby how the future with his mother goes, he needs to lay down the law from the very beginning whose side he is on and I cannot stress enough you need to keep your distance from her, limit your future children's contact with her (so she can't put you down to them), it's so important that your future husband has your back from the start. I tried to make friends with my mil and she treated me like dirt, I now give her a wide berth and funnily enough she acts like the injured party. Took me awhile to learn my lesson but I got there in the end.

You all sound a bit deranged and volatile tbh!!

Remember, when you get married, you are not just getting the man, you are becoming part of his family, and you will get all the issues and problems of his family to deal with.

You have seen what she is capable of. You know he wont cut her off. This will be your life. In a way you should be glad you have seen this now, when it is not too late.

Dont be scared to cancel the wedding and move on. The wedding is just one day. You changing your mind will not stay in peoples minds for ever.

This is not a family I would want to call "mine", and you would be wise to dis-tangle yourself.

It will only get worse.

I've read and thought about every post that has been posted here and am still torn.

I will be honest - even after he has gone around to speak to her and comes home and tells me they are going to respect our boundaries and respect me, my gut, heart and head tells me it will happen again.

She will try to power bull doze again, he probably will end up having more chats with her to smooth the situation over. he is in the middle and its unfair. but also maybe it was because he wasn't as authorative in the beginning as he has been in the past two days!

I do still want to marry him of course I do.

Should I let this stop me from Marrying the man I love so dearly. I don't know. Am I signing up for a lifetime of Strife - I don't know. Is it worth the risk - I don't know.

If/When it happens again what stance do I take. Rise above it - let him deal with it - carry on as normal...

I said last night - things may be normal again one day - I hope they are - I don't want to argue with my in laws. But I need my time now, I need time to think about what's happened. Digest it, think about it, let it go, get it to the back of my mind. have a good cry and forget about it.

Is it worth shattering my life over. Is it worth losing my home over. Is it worth losing the man I love over. Of course not. When I say my vows I will mean them - and I hope he means them too. I hope he can leave and cleave.

I don't know what else to say. Just a bit miffed/numb/perplexed about the whole situation.

I don't want a miserable life with me being the shadow wife.

thank you for all your replies.

She has managed to make the wedding all about her, and you are going to be second fiddle in his and your own attention on your wedding day.

What place does she have in your marriage? How much attention will she seek?

What type of grandmother will she be one day? One who respects and supports your parenting? One who will respect your boundaries regards your child?

Can you un-invite her?

On your wedding day, you will still be worried that she will kick off and ruin your day, wont you?

What does HE say? Is he ready to chose you over her, and tell her to stay away?

In the early days of our marriage my MIL was constantly interferring and trying to claim her 'baby' as her own, with me as his 'little friend'.

I remember telling my DH that I felt that there was a tug of war with him in the middle. He disagreed. He said we were on one end and she was on the other. It was so what I needed to hear and he was right. Eventually the strength of two overcame one and she was forced into being more normal or lose him. We claimed our marriage for ourselves and 19 years later I have a good and even loving relationship with her.

My MIL was never quite like yours in the 'nose-to-nose' stakes, but bad enough. Stand firm that your marriage is sacrosanct and stand together. It can work out ok as long as you leave no room for infiltration and refuse to countenance anyone else having choices in your marriage.

Interestingly, we got it more or less sorted before children and she's been fine regarding the DCs who love her and have no blinkers on regarding her expressed intention to smother them with 'love'. They tell her to stop, and argue with her when she tries to tell them it's her job to 'spoil them rotten'. They think that, at 11 and 9, they don't want to be treated like preschoolers and that her 'love' infantilises them. Having said that, although when she comes to stay they don't like her making their breakfast when they enjoy getting it themselves, they do accept just sufficient ice cream to keep her happy. What fine you men DH and I are bringing up

Perhaps there are difficult times ahead in your marriage Dimples. Perhaps there are hard decisions and sadness. Nobody said marriage is a basket of roses but together 'in good times and bad' you can share your love, rely on each other, and know that you are making your own family.

You poor sod, you don't need all this crap before your wedding. Go ahead with it, with or (preferably) without that awful MIL woman and enjoy your special day.

Hopefully by then it'll all have calmed down. Surely any family members (either side) wouldn't want to ruin your big day and will behave.

She doesn't want you to get married. Simple as
I was with my dh for years before we married.
Two weeks before the wedding MIL decided that I was awful and phoned numerous people to make them aware if this fact, including some of my friends( I didn't find out about all this until after the wedding).
She threatened to boycott the wedding,
My dh said that the wedding would still go ahead
We got married...,, I do not have anything to do with mil

You poor sod, you don't need all this crap before your wedding. Go ahead with it, with or (preferably) without that awful MIL woman and enjoy your special day.

Hopefully by then it'll all have calmed down. Surely any family members (either side) wouldn't want to ruin your big day and will behave.

Can both of you move quite far from her and see if things improve?

Hi everyone am after some extra advice.

I am still in two minds what to do.

MIL in currently away for two weeks (great - time to let the dust settle and for everyone to put it behind them!)

Wrong

H2B's Auntie called last night (6pm) saying that MIL2b was upset, hysterical actually - and very drunk - since H2B spent 3 hours Thursday night smoothing things over so we can look forward to a happy wedding day - she has now back tracked on their conversation and she now still wants this apology but is refusing to apologise to me (for texting me, calling me & my family scum telling H2B he can fuck off if he chooses 'us' over her family and staying 'true' - whatever that means)

Me & H2B is worried she is having another breakdown.

I've never heard her so drunk before.

So, now I am fretting my wedding day. My side of the family have said they wont drink, they are equally as worried as me we don't want anything to kick off. I wont be able to fully relax as once she has a drink inside her - that's it - she becomes hysterical.

I don't know what to do!!!!

In your shoes I would be seriously thinking about uninviting her to the wedding.

I think your actions now depend on what your dp does.

Him being genuinely concerned for her mental health is one thing, (you say 'another breakdown', has anyone contacted her dr?), but if there is any doubt that this is just a power struggle that she is fearful of losing, then he needs to choose once and for all.

How close to her do you live?

What does your soon to be DH think? I think she's a liability who seems only to be out to ruin your day/lives. She needs to be uninvited however, you can't do that on your own, your DP has to feel the same way. If he doesn't, I would seriously reconsider the whole marriage thing. If he is always going to give to her whims, your life will be overcast by her miserable shadow.

She has had a breakdown before. She is on antidepressants. And drinks everyday.

He is fed up - he doesn't know what else he can do. He spent three hours talking to her whilst she was sober the other night before she went away.

I said ignore any texts/calls - especially drunken ones. The phone gets turned off when we go to bed. I have blocked her number just in case she tries my mobile or sends anymore texts.

We live 10-15 min away by car.

No one has contacted her DR.

I said to H2B to maybe speak to our priest, my mother has even said she will have a heart to heart with her try and get to the root of the problem.

I have resulted in getting my mind set in gear that what's the worse she can do - get drunk and ruin our wedding day.

I don't want to cause more rift by uninviting her because then that would make me look bad wouldn't it - and if she really is unwell then I don't want to add to the cause. If she needs help she needs to stop drinking and source that help.

I cannot get involved to a certain extent. But it's my wedding day that will be ruined.

After what you've said, I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable to uninvite her to the wedding. if your DP is in agreement.

And whichever poster said that everyone in the situation seems volatile and deranged, are you reading another thread? the only deranged one in this situation is the MIL.

I agree that you should un-invite her.
It seems at this point that the wedding is causing her so much stress that it would be unfair for you to force her to attend