MIL is sabotaging our wedding.

[dimplesinmybuttcheeks]

She texted me on Monday evening – but addressed the text to my H2B – calling me petty and saying there was a major problem with her daughter trying on the bridesmaid dress saying “every bride would want there Bridesmaids to look their best – don’t you think???” I ignored it – and Hubby 2b called her and explained the dresses were elsewhere and until we had them the bridesmaid could then come and try it on...

Roll on to this past Saturday night…

She caused an argument with my sister at my hen do, she grabbed my sister, and was shouting in her face, my sister gave her as good as she got - we spoke on the Sunday and just said to just forget it - she then woke up on the Monday morning and texted me saying she wanted a full apology from my sister (who is married herself with kids) to go to her with my mum and dad so they can hear her apologise....or else she fears something will happen on the wedding day as HER family are aware of what has happened and are not happy....

I texted back she isn't going to get an apology and how dare she ask when she is the one causing all her own upset (not the first argument she has caused the last time she has been nose to nose with me at our friends wedding - who she has since texted to tell them she is worried about my H2B - and she is not a liar and is not a trouble maker...this is 11pm at night)

she has told me, and H2B's friends - and her family - that they will all not be attending H2B's wedding as I am scum, and if he chooses her over me and THAT family then he can f8ck off out of her house and never come back. – (we already live together and I was at the bottom of the stairs) – he came running down after more shouting and screaming and we left. He was heartbroken. I spent the night consoling him.

He’s dad came over Tuesday night after we had been to marriage preparation and backed up what his mother said – she wont come to wedding until she gets an apology – my sister wont be giving an apology as she has done nothing wrong. My friends saw what happened (the one she texted) – me and hubby quite rightly couldn’t care less who said what or started what – we just want this to be dropped and forgotten about so we can get married in peace!!

She was screaming that he was her first love, her first born, her first son. Is she struggling that her son is now growing up and becoming a man?

His sister, as much as she says doesn’t want to get involved – then proceeds to text him through the night….telling him that she misses him, he is her big brother – always will be, and will stick by him whatever he decides…(?) basically acting as if he is emigrating.

The church, cars, venue, tog, dresses, shoes, presents have all been bought. I am heartbroken. I am gutted she could do this to her son - and also to have no respect for me. It's my wedding. I am the bride - not her. He hasn't chosen any sides, we don't know how the argument started. She said my sister was probably jealous that I was getting all the attention on my hen night. She arranged it - because I arranged hers years ago.

He is due to go and see her tonight and have a heart to heart with her. She will probably try and turn him against me. He said he will walk out but she is manipulating him by saying no one will come to the wedding. I don't know if he could go through with it without his family - they mean the world to him and she knows it. He said it will happen 100% with or without them and is adamant he wants to sit down and talk things through with his mum sensibly.

Thank you for taking the time out to reply to me - and for the comment in reply to that other comment.

He couldn't do that to her (yes, even though she is doing this to us) - it's not his nature (or mine) to do that. It's her sons wedding day.

I just want her to let go of this apology aspect. I'm not going to get one, neither is my sister, and neither is she.

it's ridiculous.

I feel like calling her and trying to comfort/talk to her to make her see sense that this needs to stop for all our sakes.

You are still thinking that she is reasonable.

If he won't stand up to her despite her appalling behaviour and her threats, then there isn't really anything to say except, good luck with that.

She will see it as 'winning' and it will reinforce that her tantrums get her exactly what she wants.

so what do I do - give him the ultimatum of either un-invite your mother or the wedding is off?

Well it's not just the wedding is it?
It's your whole life.

" he doesn't know what else he can do." Because he lacks a back bone. And so do you, it seems.

Sorry, it wont change. Not until you decide you wont indulge her and pander to her behaviour. She is attention seeking, and she is getting it. So why should she stop?

In your shoes, I would not marry the man, he is unable to stand up to his mum, and sound about as pathetic as a wet, two day dead cod. Seeing that you still want to be part of his family, uninviting her is the only thing you can do to ensure she does not ruin the day.

Surely her family knows what she is like, and wont be surprised? If she continues the hysteria, tell her you are considering getting her sectioned under the mental health act, or book her into rehab.

Honestly op, just think about this behaviour around every event of significance in your married lives.
Pregnancy, birth, child rearing, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, holidays, where you live, your family seeing you/the dc more, and so many scenarios you and I can't even comprehend being an issue.

She can, and will, blight your entire marriage if your dp won't stop her.

I understand how you might feel about uninviting her, and with everyone here saying to seriously consider the whole thing but....these things don't get better after marriage and get worse after children IMO. You need to seriously think about whether you want your life controlled and blighted by this woman.

Wow, what a difficult situation.

It suddenly struck me today how old I am :( I have no idea where the years have gone. So with that in mind, I would have a discussion with your H2B and ask him if he would be prepared to un-invite her.

Even if it means calling off the wedding.

Life is too short, far too short, to have to put up with so much crap.

Is it possible to cancel the wedding, move further away and elope? That is what I would do I think! Good luck. I really hope you can sort this out.

If I were you I would call off THIS wedding, but not the marriage. Just go off the two of you and get married quietly on your own tomorrow. This wedding with all the flummery, dresses, speeches, etc is not going to be good, nobody will be able to relax and enjoy it. You can get married without all that, it's your marriage that's important, not the wedding. Also getting married without her sends a very clear message that she's not in charge of what happens in your lives.

Actually, you could keep the planned wedding and have it just as a party/blessing for the real wedding that took place before with just the two of you and a couple of witnesses pulled off the street. That might reduce the stress and still enable you to have a 'dream' wedding.

Run, run fast, run now. Sorry. It seems terrible now, but it will be so much much worse in future if you don't.

Hi op

Im sorry this is all happening right now, you dh to be is in an impossible position which in turn rebounds on you.

There has to be some clear boundaries here with his mother, and the both of you need to agree and stick to them in advance.

She will never be happy, make no mistake you could be princess diana and this would still be the same scenario.

She is mentally ill with some huge attachment issues, drink and anti d's means she is unstable on and off constantly. Ones a depressant ie the booze and the other is an ati depressant. Both things are fighting each other and neither is winning.

She won't get better without a lot of serious help, but she has to accept she has a problem first, and I doubt that's ever gonna happen.

So what to do?

These are your choices as I see them.

Damage limitation, if she comes to the wedding someone has to police her, designate someone you can trust to do this all evening.

Both of you should expect her to play up, if she doesn't then that's all good and a bonus.

If you decide to uninvite her then do so very clearly with reasons that are clear, then stick to it both of you.

Don't operate out of guilt and oh it's my mum I feel bad, you are not dealing with a reasonable person of sound mind, so stop,trying to get her to understand, you need to accept that she is Ill.

Also any mother worth her salt would be ashamed of herself for this behaviour she isn't please see above.

Or call off the wedding and split up. Note to ops partner she will do this again with another woman.

To finish, this is about power in her head she is reasonable she is scared and frightened of losing control, this is deep seated from her past you can't change that.

You are a pair act as one on this journey, because this is just one of many battles to come believe me, you both have to get your act together because she won't.

You need to set boundaries as a couple and stick to them all the time.

No, that's not what's going to happen.

If you don't behave we're leaving. then leave.

It's not up for discussion. you can't come round on Sunday.

etc etc. and be prepared to go NC at times, or permanently.

If she gets her own way then that is motivation to use the same tactics. If you set your boundaries she'll rail against it to force you to capitulate but if you don't capitulate then she will probably behave better.

I think some posters have been a bit unfair on your H2B. (it's the way on mumsnet to call male victims of controlling manipulative abusive women spineless cowards who need to grow a pair, it seems) He seems to be getting there on standing up to her but it takes time.

so what do I do - give him the ultimatum of either un-invite your mother or the wedding is off?

Sorry if I missed it but what does your husband think here? in the light of the last behaviour and her involving the rest of the family?

In the light of that, it looks like she's upping the aunty, so's to speak. She'll clearly try to get everyone involved if you don't toe the line, whether it's the wedding, birth of children, funerals, christmas and birthdays as someone said upthread.

Will the extended family choose her side and ostracise you? Or will they simply ignore her antics?

If she is a problem drinker you've got even less chance of things improving sadly :s

Clearly also your MIL2b is ignoring your husband's request to be respectful. What is he going to do now?

His deicsions and behaviour now are going to be vital in mapping out the future. Just ... well as everyone's told you and you have to be aware of by now ... you're really not just marrying him, you're marrying a nice bird struggling caught in a web made by a selfish tantrumming spider.

He doesn't want to un-invite her - he doesn't want to make things worse.

She was taken home and slept off her drunken stupor and this morning went to the chemist and got her anti depressants - she hadn't been taking them, said she had misplaced them and she doesn't remember what she said/did yesterday.

I don't know what the extended family know - I haven't spoken to them.

H2B is at the end of his tether.

But she's playing the victim. getting everyone to feel sorry for her.

You refer to it as MY wedding, and MY happy ever after. Interesting. If I was yr stbh I think if probably call it off.

Op I understand your frustration but your still dancing to her tune, if you can't agree then what's the alternative? She has all the power to disrupt because your still letting her have it.

If you can't agree on a strategy then it might be time to think about yourself and what you want, this is the tip of a huge lifetime iceberg.

Dimples, I've been married a long time. Through that, we have put up with two relatives (one on each side) who have had screaming tantrums, cried, manipulated, etc... all of the behaviours you are experiencing.

These people do not change and suck every ounce of your energy. Be with your lovely STBH, make decisions together and base them on what you want as a couple. Your MIL will always be like that, you just have to decide how much you want to pander to it and let it control your day to day life.

I know its easier said than done - it took us years to go nc but, despite an underlying sadness, it has been a great release. Take this on board now and you will be stuck with it If she wants to be part of your life, then its on your terms. Otherwise, stand back. These people only continue because other family members are too scared to deal with the consequences of saying 'no'. The tantrums and melodrama are horrid.

But... focus on what you want and go for it. If people judge you, then they haven't had a family member like that in their lives. It is truly awful.

Exactly what she said with bells on

Vvvvvvvvvv

I really feel for you, you and your h2b would do best to present a united front, if he wants to talk to her go together etc

This was my life until DH went no contact 6 years and counting bliss

there are two ways this can go: your husband at some point makes her realise (somehow, perhaps by actually distancing himself) that if she carries on that she will loose him and she'll throw a fit but gradually come round. Probably over the course of a couple of years or so sadly. Or she'll never come around and always be this bad. People who are willign to throw hissy fits in public tend to win dominance because everyone else pussyfoots around them to avoid setting them off and making a scene.

it doenst look good that she's playing the victim card I'm afraid.

I'd ask him how he plans to handle her if / when she throws a fit at the wedding. It could happen specially if she drinks too much.

It's a pity your husband can't benefit from all the advice on here, there's a lot of people with grim experience posted!

I think you need to grasp the nettle and make a decision now, really, becuase this woman is already going a long way to spoiling your wedding day already. Or simply cancel it and elope like someone suggested =)

Getthefeck - No, Its very much our wedding.

If your dp won't do anything to upset her, then by default, it will be you he upsets.