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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL is sabotaging our wedding.

158 replies

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 15:43

She texted me on Monday evening – but addressed the text to my H2B – calling me petty and saying there was a major problem with her daughter trying on the bridesmaid dress saying “every bride would want there Bridesmaids to look their best – don’t you think???” I ignored it – and Hubby 2b called her and explained the dresses were elsewhere and until we had them the bridesmaid could then come and try it on...

Roll on to this past Saturday night…

She caused an argument with my sister at my hen do, she grabbed my sister, and was shouting in her face, my sister gave her as good as she got - we spoke on the Sunday and just said to just forget it - she then woke up on the Monday morning and texted me saying she wanted a full apology from my sister (who is married herself with kids) to go to her with my mum and dad so they can hear her apologise....or else she fears something will happen on the wedding day as HER family are aware of what has happened and are not happy....

I texted back she isn't going to get an apology and how dare she ask when she is the one causing all her own upset (not the first argument she has caused the last time she has been nose to nose with me at our friends wedding - who she has since texted to tell them she is worried about my H2B - and she is not a liar and is not a trouble maker...this is 11pm at night)

she has told me, and H2B's friends - and her family - that they will all not be attending H2B's wedding as I am scum, and if he chooses her over me and THAT family then he can f8ck off out of her house and never come back. – (we already live together and I was at the bottom of the stairs) – he came running down after more shouting and screaming and we left. He was heartbroken. I spent the night consoling him.

He’s dad came over Tuesday night after we had been to marriage preparation and backed up what his mother said – she wont come to wedding until she gets an apology – my sister wont be giving an apology as she has done nothing wrong. My friends saw what happened (the one she texted) – me and hubby quite rightly couldn’t care less who said what or started what – we just want this to be dropped and forgotten about so we can get married in peace!!

She was screaming that he was her first love, her first born, her first son. Is she struggling that her son is now growing up and becoming a man?

His sister, as much as she says doesn’t want to get involved – then proceeds to text him through the night….telling him that she misses him, he is her big brother – always will be, and will stick by him whatever he decides…(?) basically acting as if he is emigrating.

The church, cars, venue, tog, dresses, shoes, presents have all been bought. I am heartbroken. I am gutted she could do this to her son - and also to have no respect for me. It's my wedding. I am the bride - not her. He hasn't chosen any sides, we don't know how the argument started. She said my sister was probably jealous that I was getting all the attention on my hen night. She arranged it - because I arranged hers years ago.

He is due to go and see her tonight and have a heart to heart with her. She will probably try and turn him against me. He said he will walk out but she is manipulating him by saying no one will come to the wedding. I don't know if he could go through with it without his family - they mean the world to him and she knows it. He said it will happen 100% with or without them and is adamant he wants to sit down and talk things through with his mum sensibly.

OP posts:
Jux · 31/07/2014 19:12

Do not make him choose as that will make you the bad guy, and at the moment MIL is being the bad guy beautifully. Let her. Ignore her and do not indulge her. When she kicks off at you - and she will - put the phone down or leave her house or leave the room depending upon where you are. Just walk away.

Hope he managed OK last night, and you are at peace with each other at least.

If her behaviour is not nipped in the bud now then it will be 10 times worse when you do have children.

Darkesteyes · 31/07/2014 19:25

OP See if you can find a drama called Mother Love on youtube... Diana Rigg was in it.

The post about your MIL to be saying her son was her "first love" made me shudder and reminded me of this TV drama.

Itsfab · 31/07/2014 20:19

Getting confused about the poison dripped by mummy is very telling.

captainmummy · 31/07/2014 20:27

Amazing, isn't it, that mil is quite happy to ruin HIS wedding day too, just to make the point that she is the most important person anywhere, anytime, in any relationship. And she is seriously jeopardising her future relationship with any GC too. I hope stbdh is strong enough to point that out to her -and mean it.

ChickenMe · 01/08/2014 06:43

Exactly captainmummy. This is not loving behaviour, it's not normal or reasonable. Over time, when you put up with it, it becomes normalised and excuses are made for the person. But she is not only upsetting you - she's doing the same to her precious son. This is not about love. She has mental health issues. You will never change her.

bronya · 01/08/2014 07:04

My Grandma was like this with my mum and dad's wedding. She couldn't cope that her firstborn was getting married, decided she hated my mum and banned the whole family from attending. My uncle eventually persuaded my Grandad to come to the church ceremony to watch, then sneak out just before it finished. She sent nasty letters, phone calls, the works. My parents emigrated and I only saw my paternal grandparents once a year for an hour or two when I was growing up. My mum and dad were very much in love and have had a good, lasting marriage.

msrisotto · 01/08/2014 07:13

Honestly, unless he is willing to cut them out, you're in for this for the rest of your days, until you have had enough and get a divorce!

Tilpil · 01/08/2014 07:15

I went through this my husband stood by me 100% and we didn't speak to them for nearly six months only talking to them again a month before the wedding I think it had a very positive way our relationship has gone I was all for walking and leaving him to his crap but the fact he chose me and basically said u treat my stbdw properly u won't see us at all and stuck to it and still does made a huge difference

Hissy · 01/08/2014 07:52

Fingers crossed for you! I hope he will tell his mother to behave or bugger off.

Make no mistake, anything less than this, you have to walk. Have to.

captainmummy · 01/08/2014 07:53

Bronya - that's what I don't understand. Everyone is so afraid, she can ban people from the wedding - but what if people DO go? What can she do? Yes, shout, write letters, verbally/physically abusive - but then what? It's like a toddler jumping up and down- loud and potentially scary in a grown person, but NOTHING CHANGES! scream as much as you like, it's not going to change what I do....

Op I hope your dp can do the same as tilpil, and remove this person from your life. It's the only language she will understand, or respect.

Finola1step · 01/08/2014 08:27

How did it go OP?

ChasedByBees · 01/08/2014 08:34

Well one thing is for sure, she won't change or improve. It's just a case of how you deal with that.

Branleuse · 01/08/2014 08:35

Wow

You cant really have the wedding youve planned now.

You cant maintain a relationship with a MIL who is this narcissistic and toxic. If you do, and you think its bad so far, you wait till you have children.

I think you need to cut losses. See whether your DP actually stands up to her. Cut her off and either cancel the wedding, or elope.

impatienceisavirtue · 01/08/2014 08:45

My mil was a dick about the wedding, including trying to talk me out of marrying him as she felt he should be 'playing the field' (not exactly something he's ever shown an interest in). She also thought it was too soon. It's fine to express an opinion but she refused to stop ramming it down his throat.

She then ummed and ahhed about getting there and then asked that we change the date so she could go to a clothes show.

We saved her the bother and uninvited her and have since gone nc.

Don't have people at your wedding that you don't want there, especially if you have good reason to think they will cause trouble.

Mine kept going on about 'nobody will be there' and refused to let any of his other family go either. We didn't think of them once or miss them at all on the day.

HazelBite · 01/08/2014 08:57

My MIL didn't come to my wedding and she didn't "allow" FIL to come either. All of Dh's siblings came, and d'you know what it was a happier nicer occasion for not having her sour face putting a dampner on the day.

The best way of tackling this is just to ignore,ignore rise above it all as a PP said she obviously thrives on the drama and being at the centre of it. She wants to be the centre of attention don't allow it. If you both ignore her and don't engage she will just show herself up as being ridiculous, and slightly hysterical.

My MIL used to be openly rude, insulting and hostile to me, in company and when alone together, I never responded apart from the occasional little smile or "hmm". She just showed herself up, and after acouple of years gave up and we eventually rubbed along after a fashion.

I never stopped visiting MIL and FIL but never responded to what I considered her insufferable rudeness and her bizarre behaviour.

Quite frankly OP don't let her see that she is upsetting you, when she asks for an apology, tell her calmly that an apology is not yours to give and you are not your sisters keeper, and smile, look concerned and say you are sorry that she is upset but there is nothing you can do, and leave it at that.

Weddings and the run up to them are emotionally fraught times. Weddings should be happy occasions, don't let her ruin it for you both, and if she does not attend then it really is better than her attending with a sour face and possibly kicking off.

MommyBird · 01/08/2014 09:58

My MIL is Toxic.
DH walked away from her after one of her meltdowns.
She didn't come to our wedding. It was bliss.

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 01/08/2014 10:00

I didn't want him to visit them last night I thought it would show that he would come running whenever she had an episode. I thought it would set the tone for years to come.

He wanted to go and tell her that this is not acceptable and the wedding will be going ahead with or without her.

He said all this crap needs to be cut out because if it's not there wont be a decision to make because I am his priority now and that's how it will stay.

He came home relieved.

OP posts:
VSeth · 01/08/2014 10:13

Op your sister lost the moral high ground when she gave as good as she got, which I translate as screaming like a fish wife. Surely acting demurely and not taking the bait would have been the respectful and grown up way to behave on her sisters hen night?

Her Mil sounds unhibged

VSeth · 01/08/2014 10:17

Sorry phone playing up. Your Mil sounds unhinged so I wouldn't be getting into any hissy fits with her. Shame on you for the "nose to nose" incident at someones wedding. Have you no manners?

For the of your wedding I would through gritted teeth be asking your sis to apologise then say to Mil that she her apology and lets all now calm down and enjoy the wedding. Then seriously after wedding keep a distance, if you have to see her then be formal but polite.

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 01/08/2014 10:24

For clarification - she was nose to nose with me. I stood there and said nothing. She saw H2B coming over, put the crocodile tears on and run off and went home. She has since wrote a letter to the couple whose wedding it was apologising for her behaviour.

That's exactly what I intend to do from now on. Rise above the madness and not retaliate.

OP posts:
dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 01/08/2014 10:25

"Op your sister lost the moral high ground when she gave as good as she got, which I translate as screaming like a fish wife. Surely acting demurely and not taking the bait would have been the respectful and grown up way to behave on her sisters hen night?"

I agree completely - I said they are both as bad as each other.

OP posts:
HesterShaw · 01/08/2014 10:26

I'd cancel the wedding. No way would I want to be involved with people like that.

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 01/08/2014 10:40

Sorry but if someone came nose to nose with me I would feel threatened and have to defend myself.

Your future mil is batshit crazy. Can you really put up with this for years to come?

Quitelikely · 01/08/2014 10:44

Yikes! Sounds horrific but if you marry this guy do not underestimate the impact of not getting on with the in laws. It causes no end of stress, tension and numerous rows.

What was the row about? It is valid in that if someone was in the wrong an apology can go a very long waaaay.

Quitelikely · 01/08/2014 10:45

Would you consider having clear the air talks with mil?