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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL is sabotaging our wedding.

158 replies

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 15:43

She texted me on Monday evening – but addressed the text to my H2B – calling me petty and saying there was a major problem with her daughter trying on the bridesmaid dress saying “every bride would want there Bridesmaids to look their best – don’t you think???” I ignored it – and Hubby 2b called her and explained the dresses were elsewhere and until we had them the bridesmaid could then come and try it on...

Roll on to this past Saturday night…

She caused an argument with my sister at my hen do, she grabbed my sister, and was shouting in her face, my sister gave her as good as she got - we spoke on the Sunday and just said to just forget it - she then woke up on the Monday morning and texted me saying she wanted a full apology from my sister (who is married herself with kids) to go to her with my mum and dad so they can hear her apologise....or else she fears something will happen on the wedding day as HER family are aware of what has happened and are not happy....

I texted back she isn't going to get an apology and how dare she ask when she is the one causing all her own upset (not the first argument she has caused the last time she has been nose to nose with me at our friends wedding - who she has since texted to tell them she is worried about my H2B - and she is not a liar and is not a trouble maker...this is 11pm at night)

she has told me, and H2B's friends - and her family - that they will all not be attending H2B's wedding as I am scum, and if he chooses her over me and THAT family then he can f8ck off out of her house and never come back. – (we already live together and I was at the bottom of the stairs) – he came running down after more shouting and screaming and we left. He was heartbroken. I spent the night consoling him.

He’s dad came over Tuesday night after we had been to marriage preparation and backed up what his mother said – she wont come to wedding until she gets an apology – my sister wont be giving an apology as she has done nothing wrong. My friends saw what happened (the one she texted) – me and hubby quite rightly couldn’t care less who said what or started what – we just want this to be dropped and forgotten about so we can get married in peace!!

She was screaming that he was her first love, her first born, her first son. Is she struggling that her son is now growing up and becoming a man?

His sister, as much as she says doesn’t want to get involved – then proceeds to text him through the night….telling him that she misses him, he is her big brother – always will be, and will stick by him whatever he decides…(?) basically acting as if he is emigrating.

The church, cars, venue, tog, dresses, shoes, presents have all been bought. I am heartbroken. I am gutted she could do this to her son - and also to have no respect for me. It's my wedding. I am the bride - not her. He hasn't chosen any sides, we don't know how the argument started. She said my sister was probably jealous that I was getting all the attention on my hen night. She arranged it - because I arranged hers years ago.

He is due to go and see her tonight and have a heart to heart with her. She will probably try and turn him against me. He said he will walk out but she is manipulating him by saying no one will come to the wedding. I don't know if he could go through with it without his family - they mean the world to him and she knows it. He said it will happen 100% with or without them and is adamant he wants to sit down and talk things through with his mum sensibly.

OP posts:
dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 16:44

I would be inclined to pay her back every penny she had spent on the reception. Do not be indebted to this horrible woman. - have already started the saving to pay her back.

when did my happy ever after turn into a fucking nightmare.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2014 16:45

Oh dear lord.
Just imagine how insufferable she'll be with a grandchild!
Good luck with that one!

Baddderz · 31/07/2014 16:45

"First love"?
My first love was Luke skywalker.!
The woman is deranged ffs!
(And I say that as the mother of 2 sons)

Baddderz · 31/07/2014 16:46

Can you get a loan to pay her the money?

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 16:51

Yes have sorted a loan for my half.

Now I have the wait of what he says when he returns later - to tell me that 'its ok now - our wedding can now go ahead - mummy has finished having her melt down!!!'

fuck sake.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 31/07/2014 16:54

Either;

decide that the wedding is only one day, and if she doesn't want to be there, then have a lovely time without her. (After all, it's your day!) Hire bouncers/bodyguards.

or;

cancel the wedding, elope, and work on your husband, He is the one who must stand up to her, and this will not be easy. You must take a back seat in this. He and he alone must confront her and his father (who is co-dependant on her and facilitating her bonkers-ness)

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2014 16:55

Honestly, you need to really think about this.
See what the outcome is when your OH come back but this is a long term nightmare that won't just go away.
And you'll have to live with it and deal with it for years to come!

ChittinIt · 31/07/2014 16:57

I would sit H2B down and tell him there are 2 options.

1- Tell his mother he is a grown man who is about to get married. She either attends and acts like an adult or she doesn't attend. If she does attend and acts like a twat ruining your day the relationship will come to a complete END and she will never be part of your lives again.

2- He goes back to his mother and you find a husband with a bearable family.

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 17:02

that's what he wants to do tonight. confront all the shit and have it out with them.

So the questions are -

do I love him enough to deal with this complete weird family for years to come - or at least until his siblings god forbid start to grow up and form their own lives....

create a weird warped sense of humour and keep my support network close to me for when she has an episode...

give him the back-atcha ultimatum and tell HIM im never speaking to THEM again...see if he follows ME...

does anyone feel that this is all complete bollocks and ridiculous!?

OP posts:
dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 17:03

exactly chittinit. exactly my thoughts.

OP posts:
ouryve · 31/07/2014 17:05

There's a lot to be said for elopement.

Cataline · 31/07/2014 17:08

Well said chittinit

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2014 17:08

Of course it's ridiculous and it's absolute bollox but it's your future and it's very very real.

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 17:12

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
magoria · 31/07/2014 17:14

Do you have kids?

Depending on what happens tonight I would think very long and hard about going through with the wedding and having kids.

If he doesn't step up then you are in for year after year after year of her making every memorable event about her before they even happen.

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 17:17

No we don't have any children.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 31/07/2014 17:17

My dh chose me over his father who said if dh was going to be with me he didn't want to know us.
Years later he changed his tune when we had dc and got married.
I keep the peace but I know him and his wife talk behind my back and they don't like me.
It helps to distance yourself by about 200 miles, so they can't have a key or just pop round.

dimplesinmybuttcheeks · 31/07/2014 17:22

Tomorrow will be D Day. This evening will be the deciding factor - then I need to sleep on things.

Tomorrow will be a very life changing day for me. It's a shame. I love him.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 31/07/2014 17:25

Unless you move away from this lot and keep contact to the minimum you are in for years of trouble. So either call of the wedding till this is sorted out or go ahead and cut yourself adrift from your inlaws. No point in trying to reason with these types of people

OnlyLovers · 31/07/2014 17:25

I'd simply ignore her and anyone else who wants to cause trouble. If they don't want to come to the wedding, they don't have to.

And I'd do what you're doing re the reception too and pay her back, so she has nothing over you.

BluebellsandWhistles · 31/07/2014 17:31

I has this sort of behaviour with FIL. I now haven't spoken to him in 4 years. You don't have to put up with this and neither does your spouse to be.

hamptoncourt · 31/07/2014 17:59

I suspect that if you marry him you will be posting on here again at some point saying " MIL pulled this horrible stunt trying to ruin my wedding, and I should have known then...."

Can you move away?

If H2B is unlikely to break off contact with her then no I would not marry him. Sorry. Can you imagine how she will react once you have children? Shudder

hamptoncourt · 31/07/2014 18:01

"Being the loyal son and not wanting to upset anyone - he will go and have poison dripped into his ear, come home, confused and upset again. "

But he is upsetting someone - you.You need to be clear on what his priorities are.

pursuinghappiness · 31/07/2014 18:54

Personally, I would tell STBDH that his DM ruined your hen night and has threatened to ruin the wedding day, that on previous form she is likely to cause you marital problems and if you have DC that this will only be amplified. I would then give him a week to work out how he is going to play it.

After a week, you and he need to discuss his conclusions and if they are agreeable to you, you both go to the MIL so as to present a united front and he tells her what for.

The reason I say that is because if you tell him the solution, tell him what he has to do, he is still not thinking for himself and is only 'standing up for you' because he thinks it's what you want to hear. If he does this, he will no doubt back down in the fullness of time, you will be married and you will have a MIL from hell to contend with.

If his solution is not agreeable to you then you have to either walk away or marry him in the knowledge that this is only the tip of the iceberg...

Meerka · 31/07/2014 18:54

what chittinit says.

It sounds like potentially he's strong enough to stand up to her/them, that he'll fight for you. But you need to be absolutely sure he'll choose you over them. If you are both thinking of children it will get three times as bad once you're pregnant, dimples, unless she's NC by then. Which would be quite a relief! but hard for your husband.

He may very well be worth it but boy are you are marrying into an awful lot of trouble and hassle.

Seriously, consider moving well away.