Mother in law power struggle

[Jellyboobs]

My best friend has moved to France with her family. They're 5 minutes away from her mil and are staying with her until their house is sorted, and will obviously be visiting with the kids fairly often. Only thing is, the mil has said she won't have my friend breastfeed her son in the common areas of the house and has said she must go into a bedroom or (I quote) the laundry room to feed him.
He's 3 months old, underweight and has had problems bf due to lactose intolerance and she just wants to be able to feed him when he needs it.
Her dp has spoken to his mum too, but the result is the same "My house, my rules"

Any advice here?

You're comparing breastfeeding to spitting mucus on your patio?
No I wasn't.
I was saying I can't put aside personal hang ups like some people can.
That was just a couple of mine.
Another person's hang up could be/is somebody bf.

I think the key thing, flipchart, is that I wouldn't invite those family members to stay if I found their behaviour unacceptable. And to be honest, being overtly sexist and overtly unhygienic and messy aren't the same as having to feed a baby.

I know culture sometimes I have people in my house out of politeness and suffer them. They do get pulled about their behaviour though!

(Bloody unhygienic hooligans that they are!)

flipchart that's completely irrelevant as your examples are of widely accepted offensive, unpleasant behaviours. Unless you agree that I could request that visitors refrain from absolutely anything I fancy, given that it's "my house, my rules'.

So if you have curly hair, well I don't like that so you will have to wear a scarf. If you pray, I find that offensive so you will need to go in to the garden to do that. I don't like people drinking anything other than water as it's unhealthy so you can come and stay but all coffee, tea, juice etc will have to be drunk in the garage.

What will the MIL do when they are out and about? Will she try to insist OP's friend leave the restaurant/shop/park to bf away from her sensitive eyes?

Yes. What will the mil do if they all go out for dinner? Will she insist the breast feeder go to the loos to feed? Except she can't insist outside of her own home.

See as I am very petty in the friend's shoes as soon as they move I would invite the ILs and then sit there breastfeeding in front of them for HOURS.

if it was something very offensive

Maybe it is.....to her - whatever, it is her house and her rules. You can do what YOU want when it is YOUR house.

See as I am very petty in the friend's shoes as soon as they move I would invite the ILs and then sit there breastfeeding in front of them for HOURS.

Yes, that IS very petty and nasty.

Should she feed in a different room when the ILs come to visit, LastTango? After all it's her house, her rules. If she wants to sit in her own living room and feed her child, she can.

And if she doesn't like green trousers I hope FIL isn't wearing any or he will quite reasonably not be allowed in her house unless he changes.

My MIL had the same "rule" (it was never explicitly stated, but made very clear through hints etc). It didn't stop me BF and I complied as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in her own house.

Some people believe in making guests comfortable by bending to suit them, some believe guests should abide by the house rules. Most are inbetween.

I don't think this is about following rules or welcoming guests.

It's about the baby's health and the mother's well being. The baby is lactose intolerant and that means it is important that the mother's breast feeding relationship is supported and protected. 50% of lactose intolerant babies will also be intolerant to soy formulas.

If the MIL is intent on making things difficult, upsetting and alienating the DIL then she is and it won't matter what the DIL does. However, I don't think I could brazen it out if I were her and I'd get out of the environment ASAP and consider limiting contact with the MIL for the foreseeable, as someone who puts irrational offence taking over the health of their DIL and a baby who is already struggling is not someone I'd want around my DC.

But I can't emphasise enough to those who are saying it isn't a big deal and she can go up to the bedroom or that she is looking to take offence or that people should tolerate offence taking that how reasonable any of those lines is depends on the other factors involved. The other factors involved mean that this MIL is really out of line IMO.

Because of a newborn's rapid growth and brain development being underweight is extremely worrying and it is really important that real care is taken with feeding and that it is much better, health wise, if those vulnerable babies can be breastfed. Most people give up because of lack of support. That's why this is so important. Feeding a vulnerable baby is not a normal experience of breast feeding and one that you need more support with.

Breast feeding in public laws are really important because the sniffy attitude of folks like this woman is responsible for a lot of women struggling or not trying in the first place. I don't really care if sometimes people have archaic attitudes or don't know why they are offended.

When it is something as important as infant feeding, and especially feeding of a prem or underweight or ill baby, I think the presumption is feeding goes anywhere even in other people's houses and the offence takers have to learn not to take offence. That is a significantly better thing that breast feeders not feeling supported because lack of breast feeding has a cost to society and to health across a population and not being offended by it has no negative consequences at all and in fact some positive ones for society.

How can a baby (like my son) be lactose intolerant and STILL be breastfed? Or have things changed?

If your baby had primary lactose intolerance then that'd explain why you had to have forced intervention. This baby has made it to 3 months on breast milk and therefore must have secondary lactose intolerance from gut damage, which can be controlled using elimination diets etc but by the time the baby has got underweight and if there has been gut damage the breast milk will help repair it and there needs to be a focus on getting the baby's weight up and avoiding having to go onto formula which the baby may well also be allergic to whether it is cows milk or soy.

Or intolerant I should say not allergic...

this would have upset me.

DS used to feed at every single meal, I think the food smells made him hungry. He also cluster fed from about 7-11pm. Had I had to eat in my room, or miss meals, or spend every night in my room, I would have been so lonely.

I also found it much easier to bf while sat on the sofa rather than the bed.

In this scenario, I would certainly expect DH to come with me, not to leave me isolated.

I wouldn't say anything to mil though, but would hope that when DH and I disappeared for several hours a day, she might reconsider.

Oh, and I was still feeding DS every hour at 3 months old as he was dropping down the growth charts and diagnosed as failure to thrive. It was a very difficult time.

Yep mine all Fed loads at that age, esp late afternoon and eevening ans they liked to sleep at the boob as well. I wouldn't visit a relative with this rule and that would be for the entirety of their bfeeding years so no visits for three/four years and by then I had another baby that I was feeding... Basically no visits for about ten years... Still would be their loss!

It's her home. Some people feel uncomfortable seeing women breastfeed (and perhaps she's speaking on behalf of her husband). Going to another room isn't that much of a hassle, to be honest.

And yes, France is a country where breastfeeding is much less usual than in others.

Agree with you, DistanceCall. It doesn't really matter why somebody feels the way they do, they've made other provision for the OP's friend to feed her baby so the rest of the argument is a bit pointless.

Yes, you can prevent anybody who doesn't like your methods from seeing your children (their grandchildren) if you want to do that but ultimately, it's not their loss, it's your child's loss and the decision for a good relationship is being taken away from them. All for something that really didn't need to be blown out of proportion. It all sounds like game-playing and trying to get the 'upper hand'. Nobody has it; not MIL, not the parent either. It just sows seeds of bad feeling and twenty year down the line, people can't remember what it was all about, whether it was all worth it... far, far too late.

I think it's a generational thing unfortunaltey. My lovely FIL used to almost run out of the room if my DDs looked like they needed a feed. So, as it was his home, I asked if I could use a bedroom. It really didn't bother me.

I did feed infront of everyone else, in my house but I respected other people in their own homes.

"I think it's a generational thing unfortunaltey. "

Really? Have you ever had to feed a baby in sight of teenage girls????

I think the DIL should avoid the whole issue by finding anywhere else to stay. And then try and not let the MILs attitude to her DIL feeding her baby cause a big rift in the relationship. Although from the other comments that have been said it seems like the MIL is not keen on the SIL anyway.

I never said I would prevent them from seeing them, we just would not go to their house, so meetings out and about and they would have to come to us and put up with our rules. I certainly wouldn't want to go visit somewhere and spend a large amount of my time shunned in another room. What kind of message is that sending to the older child as well? I don't want my children growing up thinking bfeeding is something that has to be hidden away. Feeding a baby is normal and you wouldn't ask a mother to go bottle feed elsewhere.

Young babies esp small ones feed a lot, so it's not just half an hour every three hours etc it will be often and for most if the evening if the baby is cluster feeding. It's not a minor inconvenience, it's rude to expect your guest to shut themselves away and it means the grandparent themselves is missing out on seeing the baby and in cuddles between feeds.

For a small baby bfeeding is important and integral with their relationship with their mother. As mine got bigger it actually became more important as it wasn't just about food it was comfort and 'touching base'. They fed often and so we wouldn't visit somewhere we went welcome to do so.

The grandparent is not being a good grandparent with this attitude and not thinking about what is best for the baby.

If a relative or friend of mine had this attitude we wouldn't visit and they would miss out on our And the babies company and as the baby isn't welcome the elder children wouldn't go and if necessary I would explain why. The madthings have all grown up seeing bfeeding as normal, they don't even notice it, we were away at the weekend with friends, a few of whom we're feeding, one feeding twins and it was just normal to them, if u had to start going off to hide every time I was feeding they would notice and ask why.

I have fed a baby in the company of tern girls and boys and it wasn't an issue. I took three day old dd to a concert at ds1's high school and Fed her, lots of his friends and other pupils came up to say hello and to look at the dinky newborn, no one was bothered by me feeding her.

And actually I think it's important that children and esp teen girls see bfeeding and it is normalised and they can see boobs are for feeding babies not just for p3 and ladmags.

I'd limit contact with this MIL. Because she's putting an objectively unreasonable (and damaging) feeling of being offended above the health of her underweight grandchild and the support of her struggling DIL.

It's essentially a balancing exercise this deciding who is in the wrong. The problem essentially is that although the MIL is wrong there's little the op can do about it on a practical level because challenging it or brazen it out is likely going to be way too much to deal with on top of living in someone's house when they are hostile to you and you have a baby with feeding difficulties.

"And actually I think it's important that children and esp teen girls see bfeeding and it is normalised and they can see boobs are for feeding babies not just for p3 and ladmags."

I do too. I was just pointing out that being uncomfortable with breast feeding is not a generational thing.