Mother in law power struggle

[Jellyboobs]

My best friend has moved to France with her family. They're 5 minutes away from her mil and are staying with her until their house is sorted, and will obviously be visiting with the kids fairly often. Only thing is, the mil has said she won't have my friend breastfeed her son in the common areas of the house and has said she must go into a bedroom or (I quote) the laundry room to feed him.
He's 3 months old, underweight and has had problems bf due to lactose intolerance and she just wants to be able to feed him when he needs it.
Her dp has spoken to his mum too, but the result is the same "My house, my rules"

Any advice here?

[Homebird8]

I assume MIL is happy to look after the other DCs during feeding, whatever the duration or timing, or are they to be confined to the laundry too?

She can make whatever rules she likes but she lives with the consequences.

[winkywinkola]

It is her house, her rules, of course it is.

Boy, what a bitch though. How unsupportive.

It suggests breastfeeding is to be hidden away and something to be ashamed of.

Fancy making a new mum feel that way.

She wouldn't be welcome in my own home as a result.

My house, my rules. No bitches allowed.

[Hakluyt]

"I think she is foolish saying anything to her DIL about anything as she will want an ongoing relationship with her. It is already a difficult relationship with both women loving the same man."

Now that just sums it up. A MIL is foolish saying anything to her dil about anything. Because obviously the dil is the most important person here and the mil has to just to take a passive back seat unless given specific orders.

[Picklepest]

Humble pie. Reread my post. I apologise. I wrote as I spoke in my head. Should've previewed first. Didn't require swearing. (Apt name considering!)

[pippitysqueakity]

What is the prevailing attitude in France re breast feeding? I would kind of assume it was supportive, not sure why.

[museumum]

Frankly I'd be happy to retreat to a bedroom for some peace if sharing a house with my mil.
Yes it's not very welcoming, but perhaps the point is being deliberately made that it's mils house and not to get too comfortable. I'd look at it as good motivation to get their own house sorted ASAP.

For what it's worth, my ds was 3mo in December in Scotland. He didn't have continuous access to my breasts as I was bundled up in winter clothing, it was never an issue to wait till I had settled in a warm room and removed layers.

[martinisdry]

While I agree that it is pretty squeamish and/or unfriendly of MIL (and I would think the less of her for it), in practice your friend might well relish the privacy of her bedroom for feeding little one. I'm very much in favour of treating feeding a baby (by breast or bottle) like the natural and necessary thing it is, but I do find myself going into another room when guests are here, so I can whip 'em out without a care!

[flipchart]

I honestly don't think that the MIL is being a bitch.
It's only relatively recently that the UK has become more relaxed about BF. now I don't know about the cultural attitudes of BF in France but you also have a generational gap added to any differences.

Why not just respect someone's point of view. I,for example, would feed in from to my mum, but would never have dreamt of doing it in front of my granddad.

Like I said before she is suggesting a bed room as an option which surely is only a matter of meters away.

My grandad made a fantastic great grandad even though he was very old school about ' women's things'. It doesn't follow that she is going to be the grandmother from hell because she has made a request.

OP, it's not all about you!

[Phineyj]

Of course bf is natural, but it's not something you see a lot in everyday life and I can understand why someone wouldn't want it taking place in the sitting room (and the MIL, as the local, may have friends/visitors/relations calling in who she knows will be uncomfortable rather than be thinking of herself ifyswim). It's all very well thinking people should move with the times, but maybe not when you're reliant on them for bed and board.

I do think is good if hosts say what is and isn't okay in the house - silent disapproval is worse!

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

In your friend's house it will be her rules, so if MIL comes around, your friend can breastfeed where and when she likes. In your MIL's house, she's requested not in the communal areas. I'm guessing this is not just because she is squeamish about bf, but that others who visit her, friends, relatives, may also find it difficult.

I don't think this needs to restrict bf, I have several friends who would never feed in public or in front of their fathers, for example, I did but I felt uncomfortable in truth.

It is a shame the MIL is like this, but it is her home and if your friends really feel this is a step too far, they need to stay elsewhere until their house is ready.

There may be an element of MIl asserting power, but I doubt it, I suspect she is just not wanting to deal with any friends/relatives coming around/bf issues,culturally this may be difficult for her, and so she's decided on what is acceptable in her home.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

today.yougov.com/news/2013/09/11/french-women-least-tolerant-public-breastfeeding/

This poll suggests there is quite negative attitude to public breastfeeding in France, this MIL feels communal areas of her house are public areas and has asked for it to be done privately.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

It's a shame the MIL has this attitude (and I think she is wrong) but I don't think there's much that can be done about it. Other than not stay with her. She's clearly not going to change her mind having already been asked to reconsider by her own son.

I found going off to a separate room to feed to be boring and isolating when my baby was small and needed feeding often. It was my choice to do so, due to being a bit clumsy and prone to getting stressed when I was in the early stages of getting used to feeding in public. But I still felt a bit like I was being excluded from what was going on.

I would say that if they are going to put up with it and stay with her, that they make sure that the bedroom has a TV, and that her DP stays with her as much as she wants when she's feeding.

[HumblePieMonster]

Let me just repeat, for those who find the idea so ridiculous or offensive

babies need unlimited access to the breast.

Yes, they do. And no matter how many times you tell me to 'Fuck off', they always will.

[ChanelNumber19]

i agree with kentishtown.

[firesidechat]

Really Humble? So much so that even a walk of a few feet to another room is impossible.

I must have been doing breastfeeding wrong all those years ago.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

This isn't anything to do with a "power struggle" it's about having respect for someone else's wishes when you are enjoying their hospitality.

Personally, I think the MIL is being precious and unreasonable but it is her house, and if she doesn't want to see a baby being suckled in her own living-room then so be it.

[Hakluyt]

"babies need unlimited access to the breast."

What exactly do you mean? I am a pretty "militant" breast feeder, and I don't know what you mean. Do you mean that a baby should be latched on all the time? Or that there should never be even the slightest pause between first hungry "miaow" and plugging in?

[pictish]

let me just repeat - pah
Repeating it doesn't make it any less highly strung, just more self important.
I preferred to bf in private. My baby was grand.

[aderynlas]

Humble, babies also join a family they dont take it over. Life goes on you might have other childrenwho also need you. Frail parents of your own who need care. All these things need to be done as well as breastfeeding your baby.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

babies need unlimited access to the breast

This is not true for everyone at all, I fed according to a loose routine and certainly didn't whip mine out everywhere and every place, I just moved towards getting ready for a feed in a few minutes, often doing other stuff first, looking after other child/getting them food/getting toys for them, going to a more comfy place. I have even breastfeed on a 300 mile journey on my own, couldn't just bf on demand then, had to find safe place to stop. Babies don't combust if you don't have your boobs out constantly, that's a choice of way to feed and it is perfectly possible to bf extensively but limit where and how you feed (mine went from the 50th to 95th centile, fed for a year like this).

Your experience is yours, plenty of women don't feed in front of some others (e.g. family members) even in their own homes, their choice. Here the MIL has laid out the choice.

If it is essential that the baby feed at any time point unlimited by any other considerations (like other children's needs!) then they will have to move to a hotel to facilitate this, won't they?

[CalamityKate1]

Well it depends on what you mean by unlimited access doesn't it?

Because I'd say that never having to wait more than the 30 seconds it takes to walk from one room to another for a feed, counts as unlimited access.

If you believe that's too long for a baby to wait then I assume you used to walk around topless at all times and carried the baby everywhere you went, even into the toilet?

[magpiegin]

Humble- do you really believe that you can't walk the 30 seconds to another room? What if you're on the toilet or in the bath? Will those few minutes harm the baby?

[firesidechat]

Like Pictish I preferred to breastfeed in private, although I would do it in public if necessary. As an introvert I would be delighted with this mil's house rules because it meant I could disappear to my room whenever communal living became too much.

I'm assuming the mil is French and lives in France where bf isn't as widely accepted as here. If that is the case then it seems only polite to agree to her request. I don't think it's that unreasonable in the circumstances.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

I liked having a comfy place to go at home to bf with my first dc. I had it nicely set up with a radio and things I might want. It was calm and stress free.