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Original poster

Mother in law power struggle

173 replies

Jellyboobs · 28/07/2014 08:54

My best friend has moved to France with her family. They're 5 minutes away from her mil and are staying with her until their house is sorted, and will obviously be visiting with the kids fairly often. Only thing is, the mil has said she won't have my friend breastfeed her son in the common areas of the house and has said she must go into a bedroom or (I quote) the laundry room to feed him.
He's 3 months old, underweight and has had problems bf due to lactose intolerance and she just wants to be able to feed him when he needs it.
Her dp has spoken to his mum too, but the result is the same "My house, my rules"

Any advice here?

OP posts:
SanityClause · 28/07/2014 16:35

While I would be perfectly happy for someone to breastfeed in my living room, I think the MIL is perfectly within her rights to object to the OP BFing in the living areas of her own house. Particularly as she is welcoming the OP's family into her home, while they have nowhere to live.

I BF all three DC for over a year, and am very pro BF, but I find the militant BFers a bit bizarre, frankly. Life doesn't stop for you when you have a BFing baby, and it certainly doesn't stop for everyone else in the world.

LineRunner · 28/07/2014 16:54

My ExMIL made me do this with DC1. It was fucking horrible. I felt isolated, stuck in a bedroom on my own with the baby while everybody else was eating and socialising, and the milk didn't flow and after one long Sunday I ended up with mastitis and a crying baby.

Then MIL's own daughter had a baby and told MIL to stick it up her arse, and she bf in the living rooms, so I did too with DC2.

I wish my ExH had been more like his sister. Or a little less of a wuss.

Original poster
Jellyboobs · 28/07/2014 17:31

Wow! Thanks for the great response.mil isn't French, she's from Yorkshire (are there similarities!? :-) )
Because the lo is cluster feeding for hours in the evening she feels shitty being in a bedroom or outside for that length of time while everyone else is in the lounge or wherever.

Any way, I'll let her have your responses!

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 28/07/2014 17:41

Its weird but then its not as if MIL has said no to breastfeeding at all. Is it worth proving a point? Everyone has different ways, don't they? Just go into another room. When you're in your own house, do as you please.

Vivacia · 28/07/2014 17:44

I think that the key thing is to approach this with compromise rather than think of it as a "power struggle".

winkywinkola · 28/07/2014 18:04

Nobody expects the world to stop because you are breastfeeding.

Eating is usually a very sociable affair. That includes babies feeding.

It's not militant to find it offensive that feeding your baby means having to hide in another room. Not militant at all.

Why is it that when someone demonstrates poor manners - and it is poor manners in the part of the mil - it is the breast feeders described as "militant"? That is just dumb.

Breastfeeding does not mean lopping out a breast in full view of everyone. It is usually done very discreetly and is barely noticeable as a general rule.

So yes, I think the mil is being a bit of a cow in this instance. Her house, her rules. She be as much of a cow as she likes. But it will bite her on the arse. If you're a cow, it usually does somehow.

winkywinkola · 28/07/2014 18:05

Life doesn't stop for you when you bf a baby? Well, according to the mil it does. The friend is not allowed to participate in family life whilst she feeds her baby.

I always found feeding my baby didn't mean any life had to stop at all.

gobbynorthernbird · 28/07/2014 18:05

If your friend is feeling awful stuck in her room, then the problem is with her DH leaving her on her own.

CultureSucksDownWords · 28/07/2014 18:14

It is a bit shit to be stuck in a room, isolated from the general family life because you are breastfeeding. Even if her DH stays with her, they are both then being excluded.

However, they are being put up for free by the MIL, who seems to be firmly sticking to her opinion on this. I would therefore politely turn down the offer of being put up by them and stay in a hotel or whatever. If asked why, I would again politely say that it isn't going to be practical/comfortable to be restricted to feeding in the bedroom/laundry room.

winkywinkola · 28/07/2014 18:16

I wouldn't stay there.

flipchart · 28/07/2014 18:20

Why can't some people just respect the fact that not everyone thinks the same.
Brilliant, some people are laid back about BF but not everyone is. I know it's natural, I know it is feeding a baby, I know that's what boobs are for etc but just because you ar e comfortable with it doesn't mean to say everybody has to, especially in their own home and it's their DIL.
Sometimes you can't explain why you are not comfortable with things. You just aren't.

Give MIL a break, she is doing a nice thing by letting you stay while you get sorted out.

Those that say I would tell her to Fuck off. Would you really? You've been given free accomadation and she has made a request. How rude are you?

CrimeaRiver · 28/07/2014 18:26

Oh FFS.

The DIL is batshit crazy. Or bored and looking for something to get outraged about. Or both.

It's the MIL's house. Don't like it? Leave. That's the end of it.

Original poster
Jellyboobs · 28/07/2014 20:12

Holeinmyheart, I have posted saying thanks a bit ago, page 4 I think!
Im so pleased to have so many opinions to send on, and tbh I hadn't considered the mil's side much, just thought she was being a bitch.
They just arrived yesterday, after a mad few weeks, and my friend just wanted to chill out,see family, and start to enjoy France. She went to feed the baby and mil said "not in here you dont" and asked her to go out.
I havebt heard any further, but I'll send the tread to her to see what she says and post back!
Thanks again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyboobs · 28/07/2014 20:17

Holeinmyheart , I'be just seen I posted after you, so that doesnt cover me (wink)
On my phone and busy with a small person.

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 28/07/2014 20:19

Hmm. I probably fall under the heading of "militant" breastfeeder according to some, but if I knew that my MIL had such a hang up about breastfeeding I would not attempt to feed in front of her as it would be deliberately provoking an argument.

I would actually not want to stay with them if I knew that was her attitude. If I had to stay with them I would abide by the MIL wishes, but it would definitely affect how I felt about her. If she was otherwise warm and welcoming then I would do my best to put it to one side.

CarryOnDancing · 28/07/2014 21:05

I don't get it. For most, breastfeeding is just the back of a little head, there's nothing to see. I can't understand how anyone thinks they have a right to tell someone else where then can feed their baby. Other "house rules" yes I understand but providing nutrients to her own DGC. I'd be very resentful if that was the welcome I received. I'd have to find somewhere else. I understand the courtesy of the MIL for letting them stay but I we aren't talking taking your shoes off in the house here are we.

Yes I know I'm one of those "militants" but breastfeeding (imo) isn't one of those things anyone has a "right" to be "offended" by. Being offended isn't actually a thing-nothing actually happens to you when you are offended!

In practical terms I really don't know what I'd do in this situation but I really wouldn't want to be banished out of sight for half the day.

Would a feeding cover not suffice?

HumphreyCobbler · 28/07/2014 21:51

How depressing though, to see something SO vile about breastfeeding a small baby you can't stand to be around it.

I would stay elsewhere, I spent HOURS every day feeding my snacking baby, there was hardly an hour gap sometimes. Of course the person who owns the house gets to say what goes, but my opinion of someone who makes such a rule is pretty poor.

Feeding my baby is not an offensive act. It offends me that some people think it is.

SanityClause · 28/07/2014 22:15

I agree with you, Humphrey, but perhaps the OP can't afford to stay elsewhere?

Refusing to live by the MIL's house rules (as strange as they are) would just be sinking down to her level of rudeness. If the MIL is otherwise lovely, well, sometimes you just have to be a bit forgiving.

(I have BF everywhere, BTW. I used to take my DC in to work with me, and would sit at my desk, feeding them, while discussing work related things with clients and staff.)

LineRunner · 28/07/2014 23:05

And I never got my tits out, if that was what she (the ExMIL) was mithering about. The baby's head went up the jumper and nobody even knew or cared.

May be she thought I was going to start stripping and applying lipstick and producing the head of John the Baptist on a plate.

flipchart · 28/07/2014 23:37

Some of you aren't getting it at all!
I am a pro breast feeder and all for it but like I said before, some people ( and I'm not saying this is the case here, we don't know MIL) but if you have had decades of thinking and believing breast feeding was a private thing between mum and baby it is very hard to turn them beliefs around and suddenly being cool with some one doing it next to you.
It could be a generational thing or it could be her upbringing, who knows?

Imagine a scenario, a women who is used to having her face and body covered up(that's all she has known, her friends and family are the same). suddenly seeing people in a bikini for the first time- it's going to be a shock and out of her comfort zone ( weak example I know)

I've had decades of my mother saying stuff to me that I can't shake off. Why should MIL be any different. I'm usure most of us have thoughts about other people that we just don't get and maybe feel uncomfortable about.

Vivacia · 29/07/2014 06:42

I agree. We certainly can't presume she thinks that it's vile. I liked the analogy with putting on make-up.

BeattieBow · 29/07/2014 08:30

it doesn't matter why the MIL thinks as she does at all. The MIL has a choice, and has made it. The DIL also has a choice - bf for hours on her own (or with her DH?) in her room every evening or leave. I wonder if the MIL would be happy that the DIL and her H sit in their bedroom all evening (hopefully he isn't leaving her alone to do this, as that would be upsetting).

I would leave. and I'm not a militant breastfeeder. I just wouldn't want to sit in my bedroom all night. I'd want to bf at dinner, or in front of the tv, or in the garden with a glass of wine. Those first months, particularly with a lactose intolerant baby, are hard enough.

Vivacia · 29/07/2014 09:02

What if the OP's friends can't afford two households?

Hakluyt · 29/07/2014 11:46

The baby is 3 months old. Most (not all, I know) 3 month old babies are not cluster feeding for hours.

anonacfr · 29/07/2014 12:28

No but they tend to cluster feed in the evening when you want to eat/watch TV/ chat to others etc.

It's a but alienating to be stuck in a room for hours on end.

I could have been sympathetic to the MIL if it hadn't been for the 'not in here you don't' comment. Your friend should have asked but regardless MIL could have said something along the lines of 'I'm not comfortable with you BFing here do you mind fucking off going to your room instead'?

How long is your friend staying with her ILs? Did her husband say anything to his mum?