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Original poster

Mother in law power struggle

173 replies

Jellyboobs · 28/07/2014 08:54

My best friend has moved to France with her family. They're 5 minutes away from her mil and are staying with her until their house is sorted, and will obviously be visiting with the kids fairly often. Only thing is, the mil has said she won't have my friend breastfeed her son in the common areas of the house and has said she must go into a bedroom or (I quote) the laundry room to feed him.
He's 3 months old, underweight and has had problems bf due to lactose intolerance and she just wants to be able to feed him when he needs it.
Her dp has spoken to his mum too, but the result is the same "My house, my rules"

Any advice here?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 28/07/2014 11:23

Oh and it's not a power struggle OP.

SarcyMare · 28/07/2014 11:24

having a wee is natural but you don't do it on display, i have a friend who bf in the front room, she leaves her breasts dangling on display, which i find awkward.
Not every bf'er is discreet being my point.

CultureSucksDownWords · 28/07/2014 11:29

Sarcymare, please don't compare feeding a baby with going for a wee. It's a disgustingly unpleasant comparison, and utterly wrong.

Picklepest · 28/07/2014 11:33

Odd response back. Babies do do other stuff than drink ALL the time. And I don't remember forcing babies head to breast every second as being the way that worked. The key is offering after noticing your babies cues.

Picklepest · 28/07/2014 11:35

Fireside, that's what I thought. Gives you free rein to creep off or never leave your room doesn't it? As the mood takes you. Better than feeling you have to be social all the bloody time...

MostlyCake · 28/07/2014 11:37

I bf on demand but didn't do it in front of my dad, my ds is fine and the delay of me packing up my phone e and baby and going to another room when visiting my folks did no harm whatsoever.

Unlimited access to the boob is impossible unless you are topless and have the baby strapped to you every second of the day.

I think i understand the point you're making humble in that to establish bf the baby needs to feed a lot especially in the early days or if he/she is small but even then it's not 24/7 access.

I also think the stark 'my house my rules- stance probably isn't as bad as it looks written down and I really don't see it as being a power struggle. Some people don't like it and if by doing so you will make them uncomfortable in their own home surely that calls for a bit of tact and acceptance of sitting in a different room.

Hakluyt · 28/07/2014 11:42

"having a wee is natural but you don't do it on display, i have a friend who bf in the front room, she leaves her breasts dangling on display, which i find awkward.
Not every bf'er is discreet being my point."

Yuck, yuck,yuck. Did I say yuck? Foul post.

BeattieBow · 28/07/2014 11:42

every one of my breastfed babies cluster fed all evening. It would have been very depressing to sit in the laundry room for 4 hours solid every night.

I would move out if it were me.

firesidechat · 28/07/2014 11:46

She can breast feed in her bedroom. It doesn't have to be the laundry room. Nothing wrong with bedrooms. I quite like mine.

pommedeterre · 28/07/2014 11:47

My Mil is the same about bf. I kinda love wapping them out at our house and watching her struggle with it but her house I went upstairs, as it is, her house.

Would never LIVE with them though. Horrendous.

Hakluyt · 28/07/2014 11:48

Depressing in the laundry room. Rather less depressing in a comfortable bedroom with an IPad, a book, music and an attentive Dp bringing cups of tea and the occasional glass of red wine because it's France. But anyway the baby concerned is 3 months old, so probably past the cluster feeding stage.

aderynlas · 28/07/2014 12:05

Just think this could be resolved. If you are going to be starting your life in France with your children, do you really want a major fallout with mil so soon.

BeattieBow · 28/07/2014 12:22

mine cluster fed for rather more than 3 months. It depends whether there's a comfortable sofa, tv etc in the room and whether her dp will be sitting with her all evening. It wouldn't be very nice to sit on your own feeding I don't think.

anyway, completely up to her. and while I agree with the my house my rules point (to a degree), I wouldn't stay under those conditions. It's hard enough in the first few weeks anyway without feeling uncomfortable.

Vivacia · 28/07/2014 12:29

So what's the plan OP? Move out or go along with her boundaries?

(I bet you can't wait to be back in your own house and have your mother-in-law over for tea...).

aurynne · 28/07/2014 12:34

Why is a majority of posters assuming that the MIL is not supportive of breastfeeding? She is just saying that she feels uncomfortable having to watch her DIL's boobs all the time. Some people feel uncomfortable with nudity, for whatever reason, and the MIL is in her right not to want to be made to feel uncomfortable in her own house, for an indeterminate period of time while she has generously offered accommodation (likely free of charge) to her DS and DIL.

I honestly don't see the power struggle anywhere. It is her house, so she is simply in charge and power has always been hers, no struggle here. If DIL doesn't like it, she and her family can stay at a hotel.

RelocatorRelocator · 28/07/2014 12:40

Sounds like quite a tricky situation for everyone really. MIL is presumably used to having her own space and routine and peace and quiet. I know my parents much as they love us, do find it quite tiring having the dcs around all the time. On the other hand, I also feel for the friend - I'd have hated living in someone's else's house with a tiny baby in tow. Very hard to relax and feel at home I would have thought.

To my mind the MIL is being a bit unreasonable but is presumably driven by generational and cultural differences?

I fed my babies here there and everywhere but quite enjoyed spiriting them away to my bedroom to feed them in peace and quiet when we had the PILs visit Wink

I guess the question for your friend is can she live with this restriction or would it be better to look for temporary accommodation elsewhere?

OvertiredandConfused · 28/07/2014 12:49

May have missed something, but if your friend has other DCs, is MiL going to watch out for them whilst your friend is in another room? And does she understand that friend's DP will spend more as much time with friend as with MiL?

ravenmum · 28/07/2014 12:59

If the in-laws live abroad, maybe they are not that close buddies yet? How many times have they met?

Maybe the mil has no problem with breastfeeding but she or her husband do feel uncomfortable about possibly walking into a room in their home and finding themselves alone with a young, unfamiliar woman doing something relatively private. Not necessarily in an erotic way; as private as putting on your makeup in the mirror or doing an uninhibited dance to your favourite Abba hit.

LindtSeventyPercent · 28/07/2014 13:25

The MIL sounds very odd but I would be seeing this as a fabulous opportunity to disappear for lengthy breastfeeds with the baby in wonderful peace and quiet. I was always happy to breastfeed my children anywhere but whenever the ILs were around I always went off to another room as it was such a golden opportunity to be away from them. They must have thought my babies took ages feeding but no, sometimes I had a little sleep or spent some time reading my book etc. Smile

My husband loves having fun with 'my house, my rules' when his mum is visiting us! We often break many of our own house rules just to get on her nerves. Grin

Whocansay · 28/07/2014 13:40

Could she not return to the UK for a bit and stay with her parents? At that age, my son was constantly feeding on the breast, so it would have felt horribly claustrophobic being confined to my room all the time. Plus, I doubt being treated like a dirty secret would do much for her state of mind.

I think the MIL is being an utter bitch, personally. Your friend needs to be around people who are more supportive. I hope she finds a solution.

SarcyMare · 28/07/2014 13:43

sorry, i was just trying to make the point that just because something is natural doesn't mean you automatically have the right to do it in public.

CultureSucksDownWords · 28/07/2014 14:07

Well, SarcyMare, in the UK at least you do have the right to breastfeed in public. Don't know about France. The comparison should be to feeding a baby with a bottle, which is not something that must be done in private.

Viviennemary · 28/07/2014 14:13

I don't agree with her attitude but she is within her rights as it's her house. If your friend isn't happy then she should make her own arrangements to be accommodated elsewhere.

holeinmyheart · 28/07/2014 15:55

I see that the original Post has not come back and commented on the good advice she has been given. I think people Post on MN in the mistaken belief that they will get their Posts rubber stamped and when they get opinions they don't like then they they clear off.

firesidechat · 28/07/2014 16:09

Or in some cases they light the blue touch paper and stand well back.

I don't think the OP is in that category though.