Mother in law power struggle

[Jellyboobs]

My best friend has moved to France with her family. They're 5 minutes away from her mil and are staying with her until their house is sorted, and will obviously be visiting with the kids fairly often. Only thing is, the mil has said she won't have my friend breastfeed her son in the common areas of the house and has said she must go into a bedroom or (I quote) the laundry room to feed him.
He's 3 months old, underweight and has had problems bf due to lactose intolerance and she just wants to be able to feed him when he needs it.
Her dp has spoken to his mum too, but the result is the same "My house, my rules"

Any advice here?

"What if the OP's friends can't afford two households?" --> this is not the MIL's responsibility. If they can't afford two households, the better the reason to agree to the MIL's house rules, don't you think?

Huh? That question was in response to Beatie's advice aurynne

Is the MIL objecting to breastfeeding or trying to isolate your friend, do you think?

I wouldn't challenge the rule, but I think friend's DH/other children/both should go with her sometimes, not leave her out in the cold. Change the dynamic, so it isn't only friend who is affected. MIL might change her tune if everyone has disappeared to keep friend company.

Why is there so much drama about this?

MIL doesn't want breastfeeding in front of her. She feels sufficiently strongly about it to say 'my house, my rules'. Is it really worth an argument and such bad feeling and talk of banishment to the laundry when it's nothing of the sort? There's a comfy bedroom available... friend's partner can go in there with her and keep her company, presumably look after any other children at the same time.

If anything, it will be isolating for the MIL, won't it?

I loathe seeing women call other women bitches. It's really horrible and there's no need for it. MIL hasn't banned breastfeeding and why shouldn't her feelings be taken into account without being called vile names?

Babies can wait for 30-60 seconds to feed. I don't see that they can't. I do see that some women think that if they are breastfeeding, only their own views matter. It's very short-sighted in my opinion.

Agree with Kentishgirl and the other sensible posters who are managing not to distort the facts into a fuss about very little.

To be honest, I wouldn't want someone breast feeding in the middle of my house either, unless they were super discreet or using a shawl. That's just my personal view, and doesn't make me some sort of evil bitch. People breastfeeding in parks and cafes doesn't bother me at all, but it feels different when its your house.

Perhaps your friend could have a quiet word with the mil if she is unhappy going to a different room, and explain that it is quite lonely having to go to a separate room all the time - could they try using a shawl so she can feed without leaving, but the other people in the room don't have to see anything they might not want?

I learn a couple of weeks ago that my own mum finds breastfeeding absolutely repulsive (she'd never mentioned it until then!). That doesn't make her a bad person. And now I know to feed very discreetly around her in future!

I've seen plenty of people breast feeding in public in France. There does tend to be much more of a militant stance on it in the UK and Us though - sort of a "if I want to be super obvious about this and have my boob totally hanging out then I can so fuck you". Whilst in France it's more "I have a right to feed my child in public, but I don't have a right to make other people feel uncomfortable about it".

It's just a cultural difference. There's no right or wrong approach, though I prefer the French attitude.

I just don't get what it is about breastfeeding that so unnerves and upsets people though. Even if the woman feeding is not very "discreet", I don't understand the upset and disgust it seems to engender.

I used to have new-mum friends over to my house, and I would go to theirs, most of us were breastfeeding. There would pretty much be at least one of us breastfeeding at any point in time. Some of us not very discreetly due to being a bit inexperienced. I just genuinely am puzzled how this could be a problem for someone. I certainly wouldn't have expected any of my friends to ask me to leave or cover up/be more discreet/go to feed alone upstairs or whatever.

Well, vegetarians don't understand how some people can eat meat. People who bathe daily don't understand how some people can shower only every other day. People who say "please" and "thank you" don't understand how some people don't.

People are different. That's all there is to it.

Riiight. So we're not allowed to explore it and try to understand other people's point of view because people are just different, full stop?

I was just trying to comprehend why breastfeeding is so beyond the pale for some people because I don't understand it. If someone asks me why I don't eat meat I can explain it to them with detailed reasons.

Incidentally, I don't ban meat eaters from eating meat in front of me in my house, and I don't ask them to eat it in the bedroom/laundry room.

But why do you need to know? For the purposes of this thread, what difference does it make?

As a general matter, I don't find a woman bf in front of me beyond the pale, but I do think it is an intimate thing between mother and child, in much the same way as I feel intrusive looking at a mother and baby gazing at each other (in that way that excludes everyone else), and I feel intrusive looking at a couple kiss in the street. Some things are just private. Does that help you understand one possible reason?

(I am deliberately not rising to any bait to demonise bf in public - I did it myself with DD, nothing doing here with me. Why should MIL find it beyond the pale to not want to see it?)

This would have been hard for me. My first baby spent 45 mins each side so 1h30 mins total, then a break for maybe an hour, then fed again. That's a lot of time in the bedroom looking at the walls.

I would try to move out quite quickly (without making a huge thing out of it though)

I think if the MIL is putting 2 adults and a baby up in her house there are things both sides are going to have to put up with. Everything is about compromise. This looks like it's her 'thing'

I would make he most of the bedroom while you are feeding tbh. Get comfortable, read a book, MN play about on your tablet what ever.
When yougetyourownn place do what you want.

Well, Crimea, I don't need to know and it is a side issue in relation to the main point of the thread. I'm just curious about things I don't understand, and I would like to be able to have an insight into those who hold opposite views.

I get your point about it being potentially seen as intimate, but I guess I don't think that this means it must be private. After all, most people don't object if family members hold hands, cuddle, or even kiss in front of their other family. Or gaze at each other lovingly.

And I agree that the MIL is entitled to hold whatever view about breastfeeding she has, and to not want to be exposed to it in her own home if she doesn't want. So I think the DIL should minimise the amount of time that she stays there, and doesn't provoke her MIL by trying to feed in the communal areas.

Sad to think that anyone would see breastfeeding as a provocation.

Btw I know the OP hasn't come back but I was curious as to the husband's input.

"After all, most people don't object if family members hold hands, cuddle, or even kiss in front of their other family." --> Actually, loads of PILs object to their children and children-in-law kissing in front of them in their own house. Because they find it uncomfortable, and something that should be done in private. Exactly the same as breastfeeding. And brushing your teeth. And even, for some people, clipping their nails. You really cannot control how you feel about bodily functions sometimes, and especially when you are in your own home, you shouldn't have to. Let's remind some of the "breastfeeding in public places is a right!" bunch that a private home is, by definition, NOT a public place.

I will give you another example: I am a student midwife. I find placentas fascinating, while many people find them repulsive. Why would they be repulsive? They are an amazing organ! But I accept that many people, parents included, they are a "yucky" thing, and would never try to make them justify their feelings to me, I just refrain from making them look at it.

I really fail to understand why so many of the posters can't see this, regardless or not whether they understand it.

I would be leaving asap, was this discussed when the offer to stay there was given?

I wouldn't visit anyone who imposed these kinds of rules re bfeeding. As a host you make your guests welcome and comfortable and I say make yourself at home etc.

My own mil was a bit funny about bfeeding esp in public ie in restaurants, church etc she thought I should go somewhere private, I just said I was fine and given I spent ten years bfeeding (5 children) she got over it, though I think she remained uncomfortable with me feeding them at toddler age up to 3-4yrs, she never said anything other than that the 'advice' must have changed and she saw that the children were happy and well etc.

So far she has accepted that she will be bring in the bedroom. She's spent a LOT of time in there so far, and is feeling pissed off and excluded. Her dh is looking after the other child, so she doesn't have to worry about that.
She knew the mil was not a fan of bare flesh (they had a plaster cast of her pregnant belly and boobs out when mil came to visit and she asked for it to be removed to another room) but assumed she would be ok with her grandson being fed.
It does seem like a clash of generations, the mil doesn't see why the baby can't be given a regular bottle, or even a regular bf (out of sight) so that everyone knows 'Oh, it's 2 o clock, time for you to pop out for half an hour to feed the baby" My friend is wanting to get the baby's weight up and is not wanting to feed on a strict schedule, or for a certain number of minutes.
She feels as if mil doesn't like her, and is using the bf as an excuse to get at her (other topics include choice of dc's names and how they are dressed)
She has always made the effort to send photos and updates on their dd and now their ds to the mil when her dh wasn't bothering, and feels like she's been doing the right thing and they had a good relationship. Now they are in France she's feeling the weight of the other woman's disapproval of her way of raising her kids. I guess they will always disagree on this and have to come to some arrangement, but as people have said, she will be making sure she has her rules in her house. Mil has a dog that eats at the table and she's wondering what the reaction will be when she asks THEM to go to another room

Thanks again everyone!

What a horrible situation for your friend. It really does sound to me as if the mil is not trying very hard to be supportive.

If I had invited family members to stay in my house I would be trying to make them welcome. This would include putting aside any personal hang ups about things like this. There are many things that other people do that I find unpleasant but if they're visiting me at my invitation I wouldn't dream of mentioning it.

The poor woman has to feed her child. Her MIL shouldn't be trying to dictate what, when, how and where.

If I had invited family members to stay in my house I would be trying to make them welcome. This would include putting aside any personal hang ups about things like this. There are many things that other people do that I find unpleasant but if they're visiting me at my invitation I wouldn't dream of mentioning it

God, I couldn't be this tolerant of a lot of my family members!

Flipchart, I find lots of things about other people to be unpleasant (that perhaps others wouldn't) but I recognise that it's me being intolerant and unreasonable. So for the duration of family visits I just let it go. I would hate for anyone staying with me to feel put out or unwelcome.

But a family visit that lasts for weeks...? Bit harder.

I have to bf my 13 week old all the bloody time, during my meals, while having conversations with people, looking after DC1, watching TV in the living room most of the evening. If I had to go to a different room for all bfing it would be very inconvenient and very isolating.

Is the woman supposed to miss half of every film/ programme? Or will they sit with it on pause for an hour waiting for her to come back? And if the baby wants fed when she sits down to lunch or dinner will she have to carry her plate into the laundry room or bedroom to eat, or let it go cold on the table while everyone else eats, leaving her to eat alone later?

All this because the woman can't bear to see her grandson being fed. How can her DH be happy with the way his DW is being treated? I wonder if it would the same if it was her DD and not her DIL.

I think it's completely unreasonable of the MIL to behave like this and I would not be living in that house.

Culture I find DH's older brother rude and sexist so when he sees an attractive women on tv and my boys are there do I let it go when he says 'look at the tits on that! I would give her one' I mean I don't want him to feel uncomfortable in my house.

Or when the other brother goes outsides and makes horrible noises in his throat and gobs all over my patio, should I just say, 'Hope you are feeling better'
I don't do any of those things and if they feel uncomfortable as a guest in my house tough fuck!

I clearly need to learn some tolerance.

You're comparing breastfeeding to spitting mucus on your patio?