I am trying very hard not to be homesick, and realistically know our life is here, but I am dreading going home in 2 days

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I know I will have a month at home, and feel bitter sweet sadness, yet happyness at being there, and sad that our lives cant be there.

Most of the time I am ok with how life is panning out for us in the UK, but every time I go home it is an emotional roller coaster.

I have friends and family. Plenty of people to see and meet up with. Friends to go out for meals with, visit, and people inviting us for dinner/drinks. My oldest son have plenty of good friends that want to meet up with him.

We go mountain trekking, bbq'ing on the beach, wild camping with our tents, etc. With friends.

Living there is not an option. Living there did not really work out as well as we hoped, for many reasons. Our boys are reasonably settled here. Ds1 starting Y8 in a good independent, and ds2 starting Y5 in Catholic primary.
DH has good job. I bumble along, doing an MBA at a uni back home through distance learning, and try to be happy. Try to exercise, and work part time.

I dont know what to do with my life. I feel unable to rejoin the work force properly full time, and now I just wonder if should just throw in the towel and become an eternal student of long distance courses just to keep my brain ticking over.

I feel so torn! It is like there is nothing for me, and I am a passenger in my own life, facilitating all the living and fulfillment from dh and dc.

Hobbies?

No. I have been too busy. I used to do volunteering, not just the PTA. Freelance writing and editing for parish newsletters and magazines. 2 years as a class rep. 2 years as a preschool governor (both in Norway) UK school Gardening Club, and editing parish newsletter, and meet & greet committee, organizing fairs, etc.

Does gardening count?

Photography. Maybe I should do a course?

Of course, you should chat to your mate in HR at the Uni! Not to ask for a job (although you never know), but to see what might suit you and what you can do to enhance your cv and make yourself attractive as an employee.

You seem like a nice, intelligent person with common sense who has totally lost their feeling of self worth. Any true friend would want to help you get back in the saddle as it were (without thinking you had ulterior motives!).

Quint, I haven't had time to read the whole thread (am on hols at the moment myself, although as you'll see from my other thread, that isn't going too well either, for different reasons to yours!) but you had me at Classics and marketing. I have the same work and academic background. If you'd like to PM me when you have a moment, let's have a chat...I may be able to help :)

PS I'm also a Londoner (born and bred, in my case) so could possibly meet for coffee and RL chat, too...

why cant you get a real job?

why dont you move to Scotland or somewhere you can enjoy the outdoors and work in a city

to work as an admin in schools you need to look at doing a school bursar qualification

Fillybuster, I did see your thread, but did not really know what to say. You are in that expensive hotel that likes to starve their guests if I am not mistaken!? Maybe we should swap, and I might actually lose some weight!

I will pm you. Coffee sounds good to.

Pitt. Interesting questions. And thanks for the tip about the bursar qualifications. See, all my qualifications are all wrong, and nothing match up with what I want to do any more.

I think youre a bit depressed quint. Doctors visit pl

I honestly think you lot are better than any gp.

What can a doctor do? Prescribe me some pills.

I need to seriously rethink my life, and what to do, and you guys help me do that. I am very thankful for all insights and wise posts.

It is half past midnight here now, so I shall ponder some more and go to bed. Good night!

Yes. Some pills

Quint, love, you are putting up mental barriers to your own happiness left, right and centre.

What can a doctor do? yes prescribe pills, but more importantly refer you to a decent counsellor to talk to. You sound so disconnected from life.

And you are letting DH off the hook WAY too much. London should'nt be a life sentence because you had the temerity to want to move back to your country of origin. He doesn't come across well in this thread, or any of the previous threads.

The details you provide about your DH don't really match up with your loyal statements about him.

It sounds to me as if he is keeping a mental grudge sheet where he uses choices of yours to justify choices of his that have nothing to do with family. I would listen to that voice inside you that tells you you are being punished by him.

What is he working towards? -- What does he have two jobs for?
What is his vision for the two of you and for your family? -- a separate question.

The two of you should sit down and each should write a family statement:
Who am I?
Who is my spouse?
Who are we together?
What purpose does our family set up as it is right now serve for each of us individually and for us as a couple?
Looking well into the future, what do we want for ourselves as a couple?

How are we going to get there?

Then you can take a deep breath and compare statements.

Wrt your MBA and future employment:
Along with your experience of running your own business, your MBA sounds like one that might suit you well for employment in charity administration. Do you think this might be fulfilling?

Wrt the commuting:
Could you get together with some other families and carpool? Alternate mornings and afternoons?
Could your older DS get to school under his own steam?

Quint, I have to say it doesn't sound like your DH likes spending time with any of you all that much. The fact that he does fun activities on his own, without even attempting to take even one son with him speaks volumes, especially when it's something they really want to do - does he even like them?
And that disgusting attitude over the BH weekend - saying he has to work, so can't spend it with any of you - but when you bugger off elsewhere suddenly the work evaporates and he can piss about having fun all weekend!

I know you say this isn't a case of LTB but if I were you I would add in "marriage evaluation" into your list making, because if he really doesn't want to spend time with any of you then frankly, you might be better off staying in Norway without him; although what you'd do re. the boys' schools I don't know.

Maybe go back to the UK and move to Guildford or somewhere without him -nice and open, not as hilly as the Lakes etc. but still got a few, easy enough access to London as necessary, and good schools are available. Traffic shouldn't be so bad either.

I get the impression that the work is done ostentatiously? That he works late into the night (pissing about with emails and such) to give you the impression that your contribution isn't half as important as his.

Or maybe he has some sort of jealousy issue? He feels he has to carve out some important looking niche for himself (and reward himself with time doing exactly as he pleases) because he sees you so much on top of what you do? Does he acknowledge your contribution much? Does he tell you he values your role as mother and housekeeper and cook, etc?

I would be very inclined to suck up the boys' schooling and go back to Norway. They would find a place for themselves. Norway isn't a third world state. British education isn't all that.

Many on MN will tell you that when they become single parents suddenly they have more time!

Guess why - because they don't have to account for their ex's whims and hope they can rely on them.

So either demand his equal involvement with family life within marriage or split and then he will have to have kids every other weekend and at least once a week - then you will see how much energy and time the unfulfilling relationship was sucking out of you.

Even trial separation w is going to give you that.

I hear you all, difficult to think about all that into the equation.

I don't want to talk too much about the work situation, but I understand why it has to be that way for now. Too many employees and commitments for us to just wind it up. It is complicated and stressful. For us both.