I am trying very hard not to be homesick, and realistically know our life is here, but I am dreading going home in 2 days

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I know I will have a month at home, and feel bitter sweet sadness, yet happyness at being there, and sad that our lives cant be there.

Most of the time I am ok with how life is panning out for us in the UK, but every time I go home it is an emotional roller coaster.

I have friends and family. Plenty of people to see and meet up with. Friends to go out for meals with, visit, and people inviting us for dinner/drinks. My oldest son have plenty of good friends that want to meet up with him.

We go mountain trekking, bbq'ing on the beach, wild camping with our tents, etc. With friends.

Living there is not an option. Living there did not really work out as well as we hoped, for many reasons. Our boys are reasonably settled here. Ds1 starting Y8 in a good independent, and ds2 starting Y5 in Catholic primary.
DH has good job. I bumble along, doing an MBA at a uni back home through distance learning, and try to be happy. Try to exercise, and work part time.

I dont know what to do with my life. I feel unable to rejoin the work force properly full time, and now I just wonder if should just throw in the towel and become an eternal student of long distance courses just to keep my brain ticking over.

I feel so torn! It is like there is nothing for me, and I am a passenger in my own life, facilitating all the living and fulfillment from dh and dc.

I think that next time you go to Oslo for a weekend just buy one ticket for yourself and let your husband do some of the border drudge of childcare for a while.
If you managed your business from Norway is there a reason your can't manage it from elsewhere in the UK?
If you dry clothes indoors, stop doing that and get a dryer - will have a dramatic effect of any blocked nose
I would love to learn Norwegian to

Border drudge? Boring drudge

I was wondering about that "Border Drudge" - it did not sound entirely legal!

Someone once described it as missing the fabric of your life, and I think that is true. It isn't about having a bigger house, better opportunities for your kids, better jobs, better "quality of life" (which is entirely a matter of opinion IMO!). It's about the songs on the radio when you're in the car, it's about cultural references that you have grown up with, it's about feeling connected to the land that you see and the people that you interact with. It's all the little things that you can't even name that let you know that you're home. I don't have those things here. :(

Too much organization for us all to go, too much to pack, to little time to fit in with friday after school and for them to be back on Monday, and homework all done.

he is using you as a babysitter!

why doesn't he do friday evenings with the kids to pick them up from trampolining so you can to go the gym or have social life?

you feel you can't complain about him but you really should

and negotiate each of you half of he week evening at home - i.e. - you will get more time off

perhaps plan to go to Oslo once a quarter to recharge and leave him to look after the kids for 4-5 days

I think that the problem is that you and your dh haven't agreed if your studies are "work" or "fun". He is treating it as your "Funtime" but you don't seem to be enjoying it anywhere near as much as you should be for it to be your "hobby".

I have sympathy. I spent the first 4.5 years of our marriage doing professional qualifications. I had to do them. It was in my work contract. They could fire or demote me if I didn't keep passing them. I also got a nice little pay rise with each one and a massive pay rise when I finally qualified. Generally dh was very good about them but occasionally it did feel like deep down he thought study was all just an elaborate way of getting out of the washing up.

Is there any chance you could take a one year MBA sabbatical and spend the year doing little adventures every weekend with your DSs? Nothing major but I bet that if you asked between us Mnetters could come up with 50 outdoor things you can do that are within an hour of London, not to expensive, energetic but not too hard.

He does not finish work until 6 pm, and is usually home around 6.30, 6.45, too late for him to take the kids to activities.

Totally agree with momnipotent it is about feeling connected and rooted to a place and for some people its more important than it is to others.
Those saying you just need to change your attitude, well clearly they have never lived somewhere they didn't feel at home in.
I lived in Canada for 4 years and on the surface had everything a person could want but would wake in the morning with a weight on my chest that never completely went away. In fact it got worse the longer I was there. I also had issues with my exH and we split up a year after we returned to the Uk.
Despite this I have never looked back and never give Canada a moments thought. Ypu only have one life and it does not sound like your 'D'H is very empathic to your feelings ( to put it mildly) .
I don't know how to help you pick all this apart but maybe your marriage is the starting point to deal with and go from there.
Good luck.

Quint - I think you are depressed - and I'm not surprised. I'm not a doctor, as you know but I do think it would be worth talking to your GP about how you feel.

I would also recommend that you read this book . I went through a similar quandary (although nothing to do with where I was living) when I was roughly your age. This book was interesting reading.

But you also need to take charge of your own life a bit more, and stop being a doormat. Your DH is taking the piss and it sounds like he is punishing you for your move to Norway/back to the UK.

Do you have to do the school run every day? Is there another parent you could share this with? Can you, perhaps, get an au pair who could do this for you, to free you to work a bit more/study a bit more/have a bit more of a life to yourself?

I think your DH sounds really selfish actually.

From the outside, it sounds like a good compromise would be to stay in the UK but not right in London. I was an expat Londoner myself and understand a lot of your issues (though not the school run, there must be a better way).

But if your children would prefer Norway as well, I think you should seriously consider it. Would you be happier this time around if you did it without DH? (not necessarily splitting but doing long distance perhaps)

I had some of the best times of my life in London -- but also some of the loneliest. I was the same person the whole time, it's just different circumstances, bad luck, logistics, etc. You need to really get life right for it to be good, one thing out of whack and London life becomes so difficult.

I too think that if your H could take over the school run and after school clubs at least one day a week, that would mean you could at least have a whole day to yourself- doing something which makes you happy.
I think that would make a huge difference. Your H needs to step up here and help you.

Your H ash his own business doesn't he- well as the boss he can come home early once a week. My DH has done this in the past- you need to insist he helps you or as BIWI said, get an au pair.

One thing that I have done that has made a huge difference is to start volunteering at our local humane society. All the courses I have taken are to do with dogs, I'm mad for them!, so I started volunteering as a dog walker and now I am a bit more involved than that. I go for about 2.5 hours a week after the kids go to school one day but I look forward to it all week. I get to talk to actual proper grown ups while I am there too (as well as dogs).

I want to volunteer for a local heritage property, in the gardens, preferably. I need to do something that is NOT a deskjob, whereas I think realistically I should use my skills with any volunteering, as that is more useful for any future work prospects.

I would like to work in admin, and I am really keen on something related to education - but not as an educator. At a uni, or school. Or for a charity. I dont want to work in the corporate world, or in "business".

I know Biwi - but I rather try change things around by addressing what is wrong in my life. I need to get back on track.

There is so much useful from all of you, I am not able to reply in detail to all. I am very thankful.

Just volunteer for something which you want to do. Sod the CV, if you're working part time anyway you're keeping your CV going.

Please, do something you enjoy!

Your DH really isn't coming over that well. He's off letting off steam in the fresh air most weekends while you're cooped up in the house and looking after the dc's? I would be climbing the walls.

I know you've been through a lot so another move would be daunting. London is great but you sound like you've got wretched cabin fever and it's not doing you any good.

well he can pick them up!
he is his own boss and can re-arrange his week

you would be surprised how many men work from home nowadays so that they can take over childcare when wife or a partner is doing something else!

We have a business, yes. But dh works elsewhere. Needs must. He is not his own boss anymore. This means he works two jobs. He rests for a bit after he comes home, and then he catches up on his other work emails until midnight.

It is not most weekends, either.

Yes volunteer for something you really want to do. The heritage property sounds fab. If you need an evening baby sitter or childminder, so be it.

You say that you have been out of the job market when actually you have been running your own business. You must self motivated to do that. Employers would really appreciate that and see it as an asset. Is it worth approaching your local unis and colleges to see where you might fit in?

Quint, I'm mainly a lurker here but I recognise you as someone I think of as warm and funny with a lot of common sense. I'm sure you don't come across as superior. I'm sorry to hear you are so unhappy, I hope things improve for you soon.

I cant really contact my local uni - I know the HR manager. That would be a daft thing to do. "Please matey, employ me!" I think I need to look further afield or more central.

Dh is a red herring. Things have been really tough. We are sometimes both resentful. But we also both work really hard to try improve things.

He is great with the kids, and a real softie. I also think he deserves some of his weekend mountain stuff, at least it tells me he might want to move out of London at some point in the future, as he too loves the outdoors. I cant demand he stop enjoying himself. He would not do that to me.

I also think it is right that we need to determine whether my MBA is fun or "work". Work will definitely benefit, further down the line.

Especially when I submit my research findings.

Don't you have hobbies/interest of your own that you can join in a group hee in UK? Or your own friends to go out with? I think what you are feeling is not neccessary due to living in a different country but to be a mother, as you get that feeling of loosing yourself and just being the wife/mother. Invest some time on yourself?

I do have some friends. Not that many close friends. My best friend went all Family and stopped doing stuff when she became a mum. I can only see her if I take a day off work to go to hers, more than an hours drive away, which is hard to do in between the school runs.

I do have some friends I can meet up for coffee with, or go away with for half term, but I am pretty friendless in the UK. There is nobody I can go out for drinks with, or invite over for a natter of an evening. I do have great neighbours that I sometimes socialize with.

Quint, for some people - or many people - including me - London is basically unliveable. If you can't live there, you can't.
When I first moved there I was always hearing people raving about Hampstead Heath. I went there one summer day and was so disappointed I cried. The busy-ness, the cigarette smoke, the smell of dogshit, the sense of enclosure - I was broken-hearted my first few summers in London.

I got used to it in a way, but I moved out two years ago and it is win-win - I love working there much more now I don't have to live in the place where there is always someone standing on your toes, walking backwards into you, shouting or smoking outside your bedroom window at 2am. Don't force it. Just move. Seriously. It caused depression and asthma and ... yep, loads of stuff.