I am trying very hard not to be homesick, and realistically know our life is here, but I am dreading going home in 2 days

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I know I will have a month at home, and feel bitter sweet sadness, yet happyness at being there, and sad that our lives cant be there.

Most of the time I am ok with how life is panning out for us in the UK, but every time I go home it is an emotional roller coaster.

I have friends and family. Plenty of people to see and meet up with. Friends to go out for meals with, visit, and people inviting us for dinner/drinks. My oldest son have plenty of good friends that want to meet up with him.

We go mountain trekking, bbq'ing on the beach, wild camping with our tents, etc. With friends.

Living there is not an option. Living there did not really work out as well as we hoped, for many reasons. Our boys are reasonably settled here. Ds1 starting Y8 in a good independent, and ds2 starting Y5 in Catholic primary.
DH has good job. I bumble along, doing an MBA at a uni back home through distance learning, and try to be happy. Try to exercise, and work part time.

I dont know what to do with my life. I feel unable to rejoin the work force properly full time, and now I just wonder if should just throw in the towel and become an eternal student of long distance courses just to keep my brain ticking over.

I feel so torn! It is like there is nothing for me, and I am a passenger in my own life, facilitating all the living and fulfillment from dh and dc.

No, I dont really have to live in Norway. I have suggested the lake district and Scotland to dh. He is not keen.

I have even suggested Sussex! Surrey even! Still not keen.

I dont see why we have to live in London when we hardly ever go into London proper. We dont go the museum often, we dont go to the cinema, ever. The only times we go out to eat is if we go hiking/rambling/cycling, and we go to a country pub after! What do we do in our leisure? We go for walks, and cycle rides 90 % of the time!

This is the same argument I used when we moved to Norway in the fist place. He was out in the mountains nearly every day, either running, hiking or cycling. He took part in mountain bike challenges, he joined the mountain rescue, he was doing volunteering for the Red Cross, he made more friends here in three years than he ever made in London where he has lived more than 17 years. Yet, he preferred London, and work work work, when push came to show.

How far does your DH commute to work?
door to door?
how many days can he work from home?

there may be places where you can compromise on location

I love London too, I moved here 22 years ago but it's begginging to get to me.
Lack of privacy and space too.

Yes, agree that the problem is London. I think you need to rethink that

His commute is 22 minutes by motorbike, and 40 minutes if he cycles.

Someone mentioned the Norwegian church - its in Rotherhithe the one I know of and it seems to do lots of social events - could you get involved there

You have my sympathy then. I lived in London 7 years and only stayed sane with evening runs along the Thames path west of Putney and driving out to places like haselmere for Sunday walks. I did like London but it wasn't "me". I know how you feel. Your dh seems very stubborn about this - is he London born and raised? Some Londoners I found really don't believe the rest of the uk is worth considering :(

Donthahave anything useful to add. Except that I really empathise. We live in Africa and for the first time in my life I have felt terribly homesick. Waves of sadness that just wash over me unexpectedly. Now we are visiting UK and am dreading the day we go back, dcs will be at school and dh at work. Plus my mum has been diagnosed with cancer.

So I think I really do know how you feel. Can't make any plans for a job (teacher) as no idea when I may suddenly need to travel home.

Just be kind to yourself. It won't always be this bad. We have moved around a fair bit, trust me, it won't always feel this bad.

Rotherhithe is quite far from us. Also, our dc are Catholic, and our youngest is still in an RC primary. The Norwegian church is Lutheran. We have commitments for the kids in our own parish, so cant spread myself across two churches. Besides, I did not feel welcome in the Norwegian Church when I moved here as a student. In fact, my friends and I got kicked out. Long story, boiling down to us having problems with our landlords, and were a month without a shower. We asked if we could shower at the Church, which was fine. So we did, once, and were asked to leave because "the bathroom was damp" after we had finished. We were really grateful, and as quick as we could be, and so were mortified when we were asked to leave.

Museumum, I know exactly where you mean, I like to walk or cycle there. I sometimes do after dropping off ds2 to school.

DH is not a Londoner, he moved there after high school. But he is born and bred in a big city!

Yes agree London seems to be the main issue here- I am sure you would be much better suited to another part of the UK

Would your DH still have to commute to London if you moved or would there be an option to move your business?

Do you have time to spend on something else apart from studying and running your house?

It is important to be realistic about it.
Do you have any friendship ties in London?

I am single parent and know that I am doing what I am doing for a reason. Wages are better here than if I moved where my heart is. Life of my kids is here too!

I think you need come to terms with priorities in your life however if your family doesn't see you as a priority (for instance you may feel like spending 6 weeks in Norway but they expect you to be back here after 3 weeks) then there's clash.

It is hard to be an ex-pat.
If you don't have your roots here then it is very, very hard!

People who live in London often go and rent a cottage for a year somewhere in the country - would that be possible in your circumstances?

Would it be possible for you to take dh on holiday to Scotland or the Lakes to see that it is the same lifestyle?

I ask because when dh moved to Scotland from the south east his parents were fairly horrified, thought he would never find a job, couldn't believe we lived in a good area as the houses were so cheap. We have lived here together for fifteen years now and nothing could induce dh to move back. As his parents visited more often and became more familiar with where we lived, they have improved their opinion of it and are even considering moving up here to live once they retire.

I hope you can make a change which would please everyone, you sound so unhappy. My mum moved 200 miles away from my family when I was a child and I remember how unhappy I felt nearly all the time because I didn't belong. I didn't go out much either and just didn't feel part of anything.

Have you considered divorce or a long distance relationship?

This has been going on for such a long time, I think you really need to either make the decision to move or stop moaning and really try and enjoy life in London. I think if you really embraced the opportunities that London provides you'd be happier (maybe not as happy as you would be in Norway, but happier than you currently are).

There are lots of people in London, some of them are even quite friendly. If you've not made any friends, you're not trying hard enough.

Do you have time to volunteer? Loads of opportunities to do so across many, many different types of activity. May only be for a couple of hours a week, but it would get you out of the house and talking to people.

Could you get involved in the PTA at YS's school? They are usually desperate for helpers.

I would have thought there was quite a need for classics coaching, knowing approximately where you live from previous threads. There will be lots of boys trying to get into Colet at 11, Westminster, SPS & KCS who have parents who feel anxious & want more support for their sons. Plus you have the boys at prep schools like Tower House & Kings House who want to get into boarding schools. You could contact a tutorial agency & see what demand they have, use their resources for exam preparation which would be helpful as you haven't taught in the UK.

Would it be possible for you to take dh on holiday to Scotland or the Lakes to see that it is the same lifestyle?

We had plenty of hiking holidays to Scotland before we became parents. We went on hiking and cycling holidays to Wales when the kids were young (preschoolers).

The last couple of years dh has gone on mountain hiking challenges, and mountain bike rides in Britain, while I am home with the kids. He will set off early from work on his motorbike (while the kids are still in school) and go off with his friends to Snowdon, Scaffell Pike, etc. I am left home with the kids. Too much organization for us all to go, too much to pack, to little time to fit in with friday after school and for them to be back on Monday, and homework all done.

This has been going on for such a long time, I think you really need to either make the decision to move or stop moaning and really try and enjoy life in London. I think if you really embraced the opportunities that London provides you'd be happier What opportunities though?

I agree I need to stop moaning and make a decision that will improve my life. Not sure what that would be though. I cant see that London has so much to offer. Sometimes warm weather. Abundance of beautiful flowers? What else? We are sick a lot since we moved back, and I have developed Asthma. I have put on 10 kg, and I dont even know why. Possibly because I am so inactive compared to what I used to be like.

If you've not made any friends, you're not trying hard enough.

There was MN'etter recently who told me that I am coming across so superior and unpleasant on threads she is not surprised nobody wants to be my friend real life. I guess she is right. I am just not very nice. I do have lots of friends in Norway though! So I guess I am nice "in Norwegian".

Volunteering - I have been thinking about that. I need to fit it in with my part time job, my MBA, and the school run. The only time I can exercise is also during the day, as I never know when dh is home from work, and I cant justify paying a baby sitter so I can go to the gym. Also, gym in the evening is difficult because I am taking the kids to their activities. Some people would say this is a "luxury problem", but I think I need that time to myself in the day, because everything is pretty full on after 3 pm.

It is like London is great for everybody in the family, but me.

I dont want to grow old in Britain and buried there. I have to make sure that I move to London in time to qualify for nursing home here. It is 75% of basic state pension. I can just move in, and be forgotten about, then die in peace.

that should read "move from London", not to London.

I think you need to see a doctor about depression.

I know you don't like living in London but can you seriously only think about occasional warm weather and flowers as positives about London. Are there no other ones? Really?

I do think there's an element of your thinking London has nothing going for if becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

I dont think I have depression just because I cant find anything particularly positive about London.

When I was a young student, I loved how London was busy and multicultural, the hustle and bustle of a big melting pot. Cinema, shows, clubs, great dining. It is just not my life now.

We live in a great neighbourhood, close to parks and the river, I would not really want to live anywhere else in London.

But, I drive to school, leaving the house every day at 8.15. I am stuck in traffic, driving an old banger that does not have working air conditioning. I am back home for 9.15. I have to leave the house again at 3 pm for pick up. Traffic again. Home for around 4 pm. Dinner, clear up dishes, and twice a week take ds2 out for his activities. Again stuck in traffic. Every Friday the kids go to a trampoline academy, 40 minutes drive away, again rush to get dinner on the table, clear dishes and dash out. Friday night, and I am not home until 8 pm.

I am so sick of being stuck a minimum of two hours a day in the car just for school runs. Rush home to cook something passable. Rush out again, stuck in traffic for 30-40 minutes each way, and not be home until 8 pm, pretty much 3 days per week. DS1 takes the bus to his sport twice a week, it is only Fridays they are in the same place.

Dh has his own separate life with his job, duties for our own business, and meeting up with friends or business associates now and then. He cycles to work, goes to the gym during lunch, and cycle home.

I just dont like my life much at all. Where is the time to enjoy "all that London has to offer"? I am a 42 year old mum with young kids, one in primary, one in secondary, when can I take part in all this great stuff that is on offer in London?

I might sign up for beginners rowing. Maybe that will bring me out of my rut.

But, the Thames is brown foul smelling water with rubbish floating about. The air is difficult to breathe.

Anti depressants may change how I perceive the above, but wont change anything.

If you hate being stuck in the car, walk to school. We have pavements in London you know? It'll help you lose the 10kg you're moaning about and will probably aid your asthma as well.

I think antidepressants would probably be worth considering. London isn't that bad, it's your perception that's skewed.

Erm... Why does your dh get to do everything he wants to do and you don't?
I'm beginning to wonder if actually your dh is taking the piss? Where are your adventures? Weekends away? Bike rides?

I know people will always feel prickly when a foreigner is unhappy in their country, and take it as criticism of the place. Like you say, there is nothing wrong with London, only my perception. I just dont think anti depressants are the way to go.

If we did not live so far from school, and we did not have to do the journey along a very busy and congested main-road, we would walk. If I could actually breathe outside the car, without feeling like I am suffocating, it would also help.

DS1 is starting Y5 - only 2 more years of this. And just one more year for me doing my MBA. I am hoping I can change things around then.

I am just looking back at my childhood, which was very happy, wishing I could give my children the same great childhood. Now I feel that the way our lives are, we are just stuck in a car a large percentage of our spare time.

Does your DH know how you truly feel? It seems to me that you need to talk to him about this because surely, if the family life you have decided on together is not working well for one of the members, something has to be done about it.

The last couple of years dh has gone on mountain hiking challenges, and mountain bike rides in Britain, while I am home with the kids. He will set off early from work on his motorbike (while the kids are still in school) and go off with his friends to Snowdon, Scaffell Pike, etc. I am left home with the kids.

Can you organise or sign up for some kind of physical challenge for yourself, and would your DH support you in this by being with the dcs while you did it? It seems that he is the one with the good job and the fun activities, living where he wants etc. so perhaps he could put some energy into helping you to even things up a bit.

What do you do when the kids are at school? That seems a lot of time you could use to do things that will help/cheer you. Also I would be pretty unsupportive of dh having so many weekends away on his own tbh, unless you are getting to do the same too!