I am trying very hard not to be homesick, and realistically know our life is here, but I am dreading going home in 2 days

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I know I will have a month at home, and feel bitter sweet sadness, yet happyness at being there, and sad that our lives cant be there.

Most of the time I am ok with how life is panning out for us in the UK, but every time I go home it is an emotional roller coaster.

I have friends and family. Plenty of people to see and meet up with. Friends to go out for meals with, visit, and people inviting us for dinner/drinks. My oldest son have plenty of good friends that want to meet up with him.

We go mountain trekking, bbq'ing on the beach, wild camping with our tents, etc. With friends.

Living there is not an option. Living there did not really work out as well as we hoped, for many reasons. Our boys are reasonably settled here. Ds1 starting Y8 in a good independent, and ds2 starting Y5 in Catholic primary.
DH has good job. I bumble along, doing an MBA at a uni back home through distance learning, and try to be happy. Try to exercise, and work part time.

I dont know what to do with my life. I feel unable to rejoin the work force properly full time, and now I just wonder if should just throw in the towel and become an eternal student of long distance courses just to keep my brain ticking over.

I feel so torn! It is like there is nothing for me, and I am a passenger in my own life, facilitating all the living and fulfillment from dh and dc.

I dont know museumum. I feel he is punishing me. 1. For dragging us all to Norway. 2 for coming back to Britain. He was a big reason we came back, as HE was really moaning to me all the time. Despite having a ball with sports and the mountain rescue team. Now it is like I handed him all the power by returning, and I feel so stuck. He does what he wants.

He told me he had to work over the bank holiday weekend. So, knowing he did not want to spend time with us, I booked us a weekend trip in Oslo to see family. Did he take the opportunity to crack on with work? No, he went on a mountain climbing weekend instead. He said "oh, you are going to Oslo, why should I be stuck at home?"

He has all the fun. I have all the day to day stuff, counting the pennies, sorting the kids and all our domestic arrangements.

The boys have been asking to go indoor skiing for ages, and he went last thursday after work, with his mates, and his mates kids, and a colleague. Friend posted pics on FB. He could not be bothered to go until I had taken the kids abroad.

I am originally a Londoner and have a deep love and affection for the place. BUT, I could never live there again. It sounds to me like you are a one for the great outdoors, and not someone who enjoys city life. That is absolutely fair enough. I now live by the sea in a very beautiful part of England, and lead an outdoorsy life and wouldn't/couldn't go back to the hustle and bustle of the SE, let alone London.

Can you imagine being happier still in the UK, but not in a city, and living more of the type of active/healthy/outdoorsy life you lived in Norway?

I am not fit for any challenge of my own.

When we lived in Britain before, I had chronic sinusitis, and constantly on antibiotics. My health improved massively the years we were in Norway, my sinuses cleared up, I did not need antibiotics even once, no sinus problems, and not even a cold! I had fitness and stamina for cross country skiing, going up high mountains above 1100 meters above sea level, and could hike for days and sleep in tents/cabin.

Back in Britain I have a constant stuffy nose. I am back taking antihistamines and beconase nasal spray, I have a brown preventer inhaler and Ventolin that I need to use every time I exercise. I am breathless walking up the stairs. I have put on weight. I am trying to exercise twice a week minimum, but it is hard, and I have slow progress. I get ill so often that I am back to square one regularly.

The time between 9.15 and 3 pm, is the time I work (for our own business) and do my studying. I also go to an exercise class two mornings a week after drop off. There is really much time left over.

That's terrible. WIll it pass? I had several identity crises in my early days in the UK. I disappeared in to a wormhole a few times, unsure where I was going to hang up my hat. It's a weird feeling all right. You say nobody wants to learn Norwegian! well I'd love to learn some right now. Please teach me one sentence of Norwegian. Mange tak in advance.

Give the old cider vinegar ago. It has to be 'from the mother' whatever that means, but my mom swears by it.

Oh, sorry OP, just read your last posts… Seems it is not so much the homesickness, but rather what is going on between you and your DH. Seems a proper conversation is needed here.

cider vinegar for sinuses

Betyr dette at du skal føle deg hjemme

LTB and move somewhere more rural. Do it before you look back and realise you've wasted years being miserable.

My feeling is that there are a few issues, including the homesickness, but other things too: the situation with your mum, the "resentments" that there seem to be between you and your DH, and your own self worth and identity. Perhaps thats why you feel so low about it all, as there is a lot going on there.
I think you need to open some lines of communication between you and DH, decide if you are going to be a "team" and work together to conquer these problems, or perhaps have some help from an outside source to help you communicate better.
The feeling of "I don't know what to do with my life" is fairly common amongst women of your (and mine) age - it just feels unsurmountable because of all the other problems. I don't think you can go about sorting this out until you have sorted your relationship out. You need more support from your DH.

Is there really honestly no other way you can do the school run? Maybe a combination of walk and public transport? I can't get my head around the not being able to breathe bit. Even in the heat, with hayfever and being pg, I have felt fine walking around London. Inside not so much. Could it be worth checking with your gp if your asthma medication is optimised?

You sound utterly miserable. It might be worth trying to find an after school babysitter so you can actually do something. I know it might seem a bit of a luxury but this can't go on. Your dh sounds a bit selfish with all his weekend trips. I assume you live in SW London. It is fairly easy to get to the South Downs for the day as a family rather than him going off for the whole weekend.

For what reason are you doing an Mba? Do you have a job you plan to try once you have completed it? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but what is the point of doing something which doesn't make you happy and isn't leading anywhere? I ask this because I am close to your age and have recently completed a phd. I needed to do it to get the job I am in now but I am wondering if it really was all worth it. Would I have been happier just living? Your purpose in life seems to have got lost somewhere along the way. I am not sure if your studies are holding you back because you have put pressure on yourself to finish them.

Lol Elizabeth! Thanks.

I think it is more a question of he has fun, and I have my studies. The last year I have been a total of 3 weeks on campus, while he has handled everyday life with the kids home alone. I have had several assignments, where he has taken the kids swimming or cycling without me so I could study, as well as my home exams and exam reading.

I cant both study and travel to stay on campus, AND go off on challenges.

The worst part is that I dont think this MBA is really going to help me, as I have no confidence in myself.

It hasnt always been as hard as the last year. I am just feeling particularly morose right now. The kids are growing up, and before we know it they dont want to do anything with us. I want to enjoy life now, and do activities with them that we can all enjoy!

Wow so many cross posts expressing more clearly what I was trying to say.

I am giving you my first LTB. He sounds horrible. The Mountain climbing and indoor skiing posts make me feel really angry. He has all the fun and no responsibility.

could you afford to buy a property in the UK for weekends, somewhere with a great outdoors environment?

give up the trampoline academy (or go another day); get out of London every weekend or two; not much packing, everything you need should be there; walk and cycle all weekend. You get exercise, fresh air, a change.

I name change regularly and so nobody knows me but I 'know' people. I like QS. I don't think she comes across as superior! but maybe I'm quite superior myself

I wish we could afford a little cottage in the New Forest!

It is difficult to re enter the job market when you have been running your own business for more than 10 years, there is nothing really to show what you have done! I thought an MBA would sort of consolidate things and make me more employable. But I dont think this one is going to be helpful. I chose a Norwegian Uni, because higher education is free. But, the course is much more based around social science and research. Not really a high degree of Business Studies or Economy involved at all.

Has it GOT to be London? Couldn't your DH commute? Could you move the business to another city?

We live in London, and I know only too well just how difficult the traffic is, the air is, the sense of claustrophobia - not just because of all the people, but also the claustrophobia of routine, of having to get kids to and from school, always living to (other people's) deadlines.

One of the things I find is massively helpful is for someone else (childminder) to pick up from school 2/3 days/week, give them tea, and bring them home. It sounds to me as if you need breathing room - both real and metaphorical...

What do you want to re enter the job market as? Was is your current business? If I'm honest, the Mba doesn't sound massively useful, but I don't know much about these things. Maybe someone more enlightened can help.

sorry x posted.

it's really hard, isn't it - and I'm not sure a weekend cottage is the answer (more stress, as well as impossible expense).

How about some sort of a family challenge that you can do in bits - choose somewhere to walk to - Bath? Bristol? Brighton? Break it up into bits, and then over the next year, do it. Walking all together is v therapeutic. Or you could even make it something you do alone, and the others can join you if they want.

Or closer to home, why not walk the Capital Ring (maybe again over 6 months or something).

To be fair to the OP's DH; we're only hearing her side of the story. He might have a different tale to tell.

Quint, we are soulmates! I am in exactly your position but wanting to move back to the UK from Canada. I actually moved here 34 years ago with my parents (I was 10!) so you would think I would feel settled here by now, but I don't (I have moved all over the place including back to the UK for a bit since then). DH and I just came back from the UK a couple of weeks ago and there was in the inevitable "let's move back!" feeling once we got back. And then I became resigned to the situation again.

I also work from home. We moved to this area 4 years ago, it was supposed to be a new start and the area we live in is beautiful. It leaves me cold. I have no friends here because I am in the house working most of the time. It is quite expensive to live here which also contributes to the working all the time. DH's job has unsociable hours which leaves me primarily responsible for the kids so my evenings are spent driving them around. I've even taken a number of online courses in the hope of starting my own business, but I am trapped by DH's job and lack of support here.

Sigh. I don't know what to do either! I have also had the thought "I don't want to die here". But, all my kids were born here, they only know here, and if I moved them to the UK now I would basically be putting them in the same position that I am in, and then they might move back to Canada.

There is no easy answer at all, I really feel for you.

I am not complaining about DH, in the same way as I am not complaining about London, per se.

It is just that in order for us to do something as a family, we must both agree! And a lot of the time these days we dont.

I know it is related to me studying, because that takes time that I am chosing to spend. He is chosing to do fun sports. We cant afford to go on many family weekends, pay for hotel, B&B etc. Dh stays in really cheap bunk houses when they go. Etc.

It is not a LTB situation. Just life being very difficult the last couple of years.

Momnipotent, our situations are amazingly similar. It is not about the Location we live, but how we feel about it.

Hi QS I just wanted to say that you are not alone - many women our age - me included - find the weekly rush to manage all of the tasks associated with running a home, working full or part time and helping children with their activities and social outings exhausting. Sometimes you have wonder:- where did the young wild girl you once were disappear to? For you all the good memories and the goods times happened and are still happening in Norway. No wonder you want to stay there!! Our partners, if not reminded, can start to see the other half as a work colleague - the one who manages the dry cleaning and food shopping - rather than their soul mate. THB I think this can happen no matter where you live.

For me what helps are gal pals to meet up with for a bit of a natter over food (and wine if that's your thing) and a good old bitch about how everyone at home take us for granted. I also joined a choir and made some new friends that way.

You are not alone in this it can affect any couple but you need to take action now you can see that the loneliness is affecting you. Drop the MBA or talk to DH about securing a night a week for just you - get a cleaner or some more child care - whatever you need to do but carve out a bit of me time each week and kick yourself out the door to join something fun. How about the arts if you studied classics? London must be chock a block full of interesting night classes in art, music, literature?? Just find something silly and light and get yourself there once a week for 10 weeks come Sept.

I reckon Home is where the Heart is - could you try to really make a go of it in London rather than planning another huge move which will deeply affect your DH and DCs?