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Original poster

DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

471 replies

holdtight · 20/07/2014 20:29

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 24/07/2014 14:51

People can and do move on from affairs but you two are not moving on, he is still in contact with the ow and is openly wanting her. I would have kicked him out ages ago, you cannot move your marriage on with a man like him. You are part of the problem here as you have very low self esteem so he walks all over you without any major repercussions for his actions.

This whole situation a mess, I hope your children are not old enough to understand what is going on.

chaosagain · 24/07/2014 15:03

Hurting and grieving for the loss of the OW might be normal but he's not actually brought himself to 'lose' her yet. I'd be more understanding of your position in that if he was 'grieving her' after going no contact. All the emails show is that he lacks the will to actually lose her. And that getting 'found out' seems to be more of a motivation than being respectful to you, fair and really taking action to commit to your marriage. Sorry he's putting you through this. Maybe it's time you stop fighting for this since you're alone in that fight. Words are cheap and his actions speak volumes.

CurtWild · 24/07/2014 15:38

Are you frightened that if you (very reasonably) tell him you want him to move out for X amount if time that he'll leave for good? Because if you are, that in itself is very telling of his commitment towards your marriage. Right now I feel like you're 'keeping him where you can see him'..like that will stop him from running to the OW. But he's running to her regardless. Please please stop letting this man play you for a fool.

CurtWild · 24/07/2014 15:40

*of time, not if time..damn phone.

avrilinca · 24/07/2014 16:54

OP, I think he has to be doing this for himself, not for you. Feeling like he's doing you a favour will be all too easy in the current situation. Turn it around so it's 'if you do it you can come back' rather than 'if you do it I'll let you stay'. Why do you want to spend your life with someone you're afraid to trust? Let him prove himself.

avrilinca · 24/07/2014 16:55

This/it = NC/letting her go. Has to be for himself, not for you (or indeed her). It's just another responsibility swerve and it sounds like he's had enough practice at that.

tribpot · 24/07/2014 18:00

from what dh is saying AND doing (ow contact aside) he wants to try too.

So apart from the bit where he is actively working to undermine his marriage and deceive you, he's trying. No, sorry. He 'wants' to try - but can't? So even trying would be a step forward.

No-one put it better than Yoda when he said "Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."

Hope you can get to a happier place soon, OP. You don't deserve any of this.

HoneyNectar · 24/07/2014 20:46

Oh, what a sad situation Sad

I do kind of agree with what everyone is saying here, but I think some people have been a bit harsh putting it across!

Ending a long marriage with children involved is a HUGE step for anybody, never mind if you're not the one whose feelings have changed. Reconciling yourself to such a huge change in that situation is going to take a long time.

AND, don't forget that this is also the case for your dh. A marriage, a home, children, money etc...etc.... He may not be emotionally hurting in the way you are, but the idea of this is obviously just as terrifying for him as it is for you.

So, I think he WANTS the marriage to work. He WANTS to magically get the feelings back that he must have once had for you. This is what he means by 'trying'. He's there. He wants the 'life', but his feelings won't follow.

If he didn't feel like this, he'd have gone by now. I suspect he (in a weird kind of way), wishes that he didn't love the other woman just as much as you do.

But love her he clearly does, because nobody is going to jeopardise a marriage and a lifestyle that they really want, to the extent that he has, unless the feelings pulling him in the opposite direction were incredibly strong.

HoneyNectar · 24/07/2014 21:07

And also, OW must know this Sad

You know how when someone really loves you, you don't need them to tell you. You just know.

A bit like how dh is saying everything you want to hear to you, and he's very convincing, but you do really need him to say it all out loud if you're supposed to believe that he's in love with you.

OW is at this point hearing everything that she absolutely does not want to hear from your dh, but she obviously still knows that he has huge feelings for her. She just knows.

It's been a long time now. If they didn't have this level of connection between them, by now she would have either a) lost interest and gone away, or b) gone bunny boiler and tried to get in touch directly with you.

Vivacia · 24/07/2014 21:16

So, I think he WANTS the marriage to work. He WANTS to magically get the feelings back that he must have once had for you. This is what he means by 'trying'. He's there. He wants the 'life', but his feelings won't follow.

If he didn't feel like this, he'd have gone by now.

I'm not so sure. His actions haven't exactly been those of somebody wanting his marriage to work. I wonder if he magically wants the comfort of family life, the convenience of a partner sharing the chores and the status of somebody who hasn't been divorced because he had a grubby affair.

HoneyNectar · 24/07/2014 21:22

That exactly what I mean, Vivacia.

He really does want all that. He just doesn't have the feelings for his wife that go along with it.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 24/07/2014 21:40

I don't really agree honey. He knows his wife will fight tooth and nail for the marriage whatever he does, so if he can string the ow along a bit, hey presto. All the pleasure of family life and lots of illicit fun too.

Stupidhead · 25/07/2014 00:30

He isn't respecting you here. He needs a shock that you may have doubts over his 'love'. Pull up your big girl pants, pour a glass of wine and write out everything for him to read about how YOU feel. Be selfish. Then write a list - if you want to call her a whore/fat/ugly/face like a babybel cheese then he agrees no ifs or buts, he doesn't discuss your marriage anymore with her, he lets you check his mobile/email if and when the fancy takes you, there is to be NO contact, if he bumps into her then he blanks her and tells you.

He should be making every effort going here and he's not. Make him work for it. It scares me the comment about how he misses 'us'. Pull him up on that. And go and make yourself look fabulous x

HoneyNectar · 25/07/2014 08:08

It's all too easy on an anonymous Internet forum, to pass someone off as a bit of a tosspot who's just out for whatever he can get.

In real life, I think people are a lot more complicated than that. Nobody behaves as the dh has here without a pretty strong reason.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/07/2014 08:17

He is keeping two women at once - we could say this is the very definition of a tosspot who's just out for whatever he can get.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 25/07/2014 08:20

Its not complicated at all. The OP is married so there should only be her and her husband in their marriage.

HoneyNectar · 25/07/2014 08:40

I'm not saying the behaviour he's displaying isn't bad. I'm trying to look at how it got to this, what's really going on...etc.

People don't just wake up one day and think "I know - I'll start behaving like an absolute wanker and see if I can get away with it".

AnyFucker · 25/07/2014 12:21

Don't they ?

This bloke appears to be making a conscious decision to act like a wanker to me

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 25/07/2014 12:31

Holdtight hasn't been back for a few days.

I hope she's as OK, or as OK as anyone could be under these circumstances.

CarryOnDancing · 25/07/2014 23:31

Came back to check on you holdtight. I hope it's all ok Thanks

VitoCorleone · 26/07/2014 10:49

Has he sent that message yet OP?

If it where me id have kicked him out after seeing those emails (well, id have kicked him out after the affair, but that's not this situation)

I think the reason you're still clinging on to this sinking ship is because you're terrified he will go to her if you ask him to leave.

He is so not worth it, i just hope at some point you realise your own self worth and chuck him out like the rubbish that he is

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 26/07/2014 12:58

I would like the OP to try and understand that the pain she's in now isn't productive pain, but if she were too move on alone the pain she'll feel is like the pain we feel in childbirth - it hurts like blazes but its worth it in the end.

Original poster
holdtight · 27/07/2014 22:05

Hi MN. Thanks for these messages of support. I'm still here and reading, taking each day as it comes. At the moment dh seems devastated at what he has put me through recently and can't do enough for me. He has sent ow a message from us both asking her not to contact him ever again. She has replied quite angrily (to him, not me) which I suppose is understandable if he has been leading her a merry dance with no intention of being with her. I was there when the email arrived so have no idea wether or not he would have shared this with me otherwise. I'm still a bit of a mess headwise.

OP posts:
MillyDots · 27/07/2014 22:13

Did you actually see the email she sent and read it Hold?

inlectorecumbit · 27/07/2014 22:15

Hmm still wouldn't trust him as far as l could throw him. What is to stop him contacting her tomorrow to say that you "made" him sent the email.

I am sorry but you have been here before when he supposedly stopped contact-although he hadn't had he?? Why should it be different this time??

I would suggest he is devastated at being caught AGAIN and had to break contact with OW AGAIN.
I would guess if the OW angry email is anything to go by he has been stringing her along.
What is your bottom line OP before you throw your not so Dear H out. Is your self esteem so low that you are putting up with being shat on from a great height by the pair of them?

I wish you luck because you sure are going to need it Sad