DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

I would be concerned about the angry email. Anger suggests, as people above has said, that this was a surprise for her. The only reason she might be angry if he sent that email and the affair was dead would be if the tone of it was 'Yes, obviously, I get it, I've got it for months now. There's no need for salt in the wound, I don't want you anyway.' Was it like that?

It was like a 'how dare you' tone with the word hypocrite in there somewhere. She has said she will never contact him again and for him to afford her the same courtesy.

Thanks Loletta - finally!!

Why did he send it from both of you? Aren't you sceptical that it was just to highlight to her that it wasn't really his words?

I so want this to work for you OP as you are so desperate for it to but I just can't see how you can truly move on from this betrayal AGAIN.

I hadn't thought of that CarryOn.

My Wife and I think you should cease and desist from bothering us !!

< but don't worry, I will contact you again when she has STFU mithering me >

I would read it more as a united front and a clear signal to here that their 'us' is being summarily dismantled. A big change. I think it would look pretty pathetic and hardly in the 'we have a future' narrative to have to explain that you 'made' him send it. It's a statement that two thirds of the people involved are committed to the same result. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets really angry, though, and possibly contacts you now she has (presumably?) your email.

To HER, not to here.

This is not a marriage other than on paper.

I just think that "my wife and I" is just a way of saying "look my wife is looking over my shoulder and making me say these things"

If I were the ow that is exactly what I would think and would have played along too with the "fuck you" reply...maybe I am too sceptical?

How to you feel about the last nine months op? All this trying and fighting for him when he, evidently, was still fighting to keep the ow.

Holdtight, Im sorry, really, but her reply to him screams 'WTF, its you who's been contacting me'.

Its very obvious he's been doing the running, and all while you thought he was sorting things our with you.

If the affair hasn't sickened you, can you please try and take on board that your husband isn't the great guy you think he is, that he is in fact quite an unpleasant character with some serious character flaws, and what you are dealign with is way beyond the affair.

I'm just so sorry for you, you're pain and heartache are palpable and you so deserve way more than to be caught up in this saga.

If you can't think of separating permanently right now, is it possible for you to have some time out from him. Send him away for a few months and let yourself grow as a person. What will be at the end of it will be, and in the meantime you'll have grown as a person and be better placed to make a decision regarding these sordid and horrible goings on.

I think if OP was going to send her H away she'd have done it by now. As it is he's had no consequences for his behaviour and while the 'never contact us again' email looks like a step in the right direction, as a PP said, I still wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Not sure how you can, either holdtight but I wish you the best of luck x

If he wanted to finish it he would have by now.

The marriage Tilly or ow?

Yes Granny, that was my gut interpretation of the reply too.

I'd suggest some time apart now, for you to process all of this and show you have a sense of your own worth. As it is, from what I've read, it sounds like you have tried to 'stand by your man' and it's clear this has diminished you as a person and caused you much anxiety and heartache.

He has been highly selfish being in contact with her and it's clearly only now with some 'pressure' he's doing something like the email to 'prove' to you he's distancing himself from OW. My problem is, and this would annoy the heck out of me, is that he gets to email her on 'both' of your behalfs. So he gets the safety of your support to dump her with his 'my wife and I' shit, no wonder she is angry, this has obviously come out of the blue for her and therefore I would NOT trust this man. Get angry, kick him out, you need time now, pick your self-esteem up from the floor and believe you are worth so much more than this sham of a marriage.

Oh dear op.

This is an awful situation.

Have you got anyone in rl you have or can confide in? You really will feel so much better if you do.

Stop hiding his grubby secret, why are you doing this? Is it because deep down you know what advice you would receive and really don't want to hear it?

How can you behappy, your h has made you miserable and i hope one day you will take a step back and think what is it I want.

Yes you want a happy marriage but it takes two to make one . At present only one of you is trying.

Also I would either ask him to leave or you leave and have a break. See how you feel without him there.

Holdtight, he has also made a fool out of you again, as well as give the OW power over you by sending the email from both of you.

He has let her see just how much she is bothering you.

How dare he.

xxxx

Cross posts with hansel.

This all sounds like a silly little boy who is telling ow that he cannot come out to play because mummy(you) won't allow it.

The more you post the more of a complete twat he sounds.

It was my stupid idea to put both names on the email.

Holdtight, I didn't realise it was your idea, and sadly it changes nothing about the OW now knowing she is a massive thorn in your side.

Till now, you, and how you were faring in this, was probably a great mystery to her and you probably bothered her to quite an extent because of your impeccable behaviour and decency. But thats no longer the case, she knows how you feel and is probably taking great comfort from it.

Im sure you know the old saying of 'never wrestle with a pig because you'll both get dirty and the pig will like it'. The reality is that your situation is getting worse the longer time goes, you are being dragged down to their level and a woman who comes across the way she does here doesn't deserve it. You are above both of them and you really must start seeing that.

xxxxx