DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

You might not want it to be a competition, but he has made it so by bringing a third party into your marriage. By keeping her there, and lying about it. How can you relax again, you will be on high alert. He had one chance to regain your trust and he should have felt lucky to get it. Instead, he will have been congratulating himself on keeping both of you on the hook.

Yes, wise words from avrilinca. Put perfectly there.

If moving house is the right thing for YOU and your dc I would press ahead with that. Because if he does push off or you chuck him out, you might want to be closer to home and friends etc, for you and your dc benefit.

So do some thinking without the emotion and make sure the practical things are going your way.

He is keeping in contact with her because he wants to. He always will be in contact with her. Unless she meets and marries someone else. Make sure he doesn't have any spare money to take her out etc, saving money into your account for Christmas or something?

I can't write everything I'm doing on the thread but I can assure you I am not quietly nodding as dh reveals yet another dagger to the heart. I know myself that I am fighting and he is the one that should be. I don't know what is left in me but I know I want to make it work and from what dh is saying AND doing (ow contact aside) he wants to try too. He has had plenty of opportunity to be with ow and he isn't. I have told him if he is staying for the benefit of dc then not to bother as we will be perfectly fine. He swears he is not.

It seems that he grew feelings for someone that he can't turn off over night but is trying to? I have read threads on here about dhs who say that the ow was just sex and to me that is worse and disgusts me, even though the thought of an emotional connection with ow keeps me awake and sad.

He is adamant now that he will send a clear message to ow that I can also see. That's where I am at the moment.

Will I send you a hug, holdtight
I don't know why your self esteem is so horribly warped that you don't seem to think you deserve a partner who doesn't stick his dick in other women.
I have been the woman who slowly turns in to the obsessive nutcase - checking phones, emails, desperately trying to work out whether stories check out.
It was horrific.
And I fully believe he will send a "final goodbye" to the OW that you can see - because he knows if he contacts her the next day saying "I'm so sorry, the wife made me, you know I still love you" she will melt.
Just...good luck.

why hasn't he sent that message yet ?

OP you don't have to justify anything you're doing to any of us.. just writing stuff down means you're processing and it's a lot better than just sitting on your own with nobody knowing stewing over and over things.

PPs said earlier that you need to make this real... you need somebody IRL to hold your hand. You can vent and offload on the internet and turn it off before bedtime. Faceless strangers thinking about you won't be a patch on somebody IRL doing the same.

Have you told anybody around you yet on what you're going through?

Has he sent the email....or telephoned her with you able to listen? This may pacify that sick churning feeling for a while but it will return down the line I feel. You are determined to hang on in there....it's understandable you love him.

He is very disrespectful of you.

Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for still posting when I know I am very frustrating. I know I am nowhere near the clear so please stay with me.

It's just frustrating to see an obviously nice person being dicked about so painfully. You will always have friends on MN.

seconding that < even though I want to slap you silly >

Holdtight, is your H a music teacher, by any chance?

I think he has created a drama which is all about him.

Where does he see you in all this? Or OW, for that matter.

green I know why you've asked that and I had wondered the same thing myself.

I can never understand why wives who have been cheated on, believe that they are successfully monitoring their husbands emails at all. All he has to do is set up an email in any other name....joe blogs, Fred smith, whatever. Sad but true. I too don't believe for a moment that this guy is keeping away from the other woman. I've been there, and I know.

Holdtight, He thought he had been covering his tracks and you let him know he hadn't, and because he didn't really know all that you knew, he had to show you more emails. Be very sure that he panicked because once again you were on to him, not because of what he stood to lose.

All thats going to happen now is you'll drive his contact with her underground. You showed your hand, you had to, when you told him you knew about the mails, and he showed his hand when he disclosed more. Now he/they will find another way to keep up this contact they both want/need, and your life from now on, until the time you move on, will be about looking for the proof they are still in contact - and find it you will. You were so sure the work emails were how they communicated, yet he must have shown you another source or else why didn't you find them when you were looking?

The woman knows its not over, thats why she's not rocking the boat by contacting you, she's doing everything she can to play the long game. She knows to keep quiet because what she wants is just around the corner. She is being patient and understanding etc etc etc, whilst its you who's living on the edge of a razor blade and behaving like a jealous OW. Because thats what you are, you are the other woman, their OW. She is still having the best relationship with your husband, she knows he can't move on from her. It all just makes your tender moments with your husband second hand and second best.

The OW is in your bed, she is at your kitchen table, she is in your sitting room, she's in the car with you both when you are out with the children, she is in Tesco with him when he nips in for a newspaper, she's in the loo with him, and when you're talking to him she's in that conversation, the OW is everywhere your husband goes because she is in his heart and head. You dont really have to look for their new hidden source of contact because it's right there in front of your eyes every time you set eyes on your husband.

I have absolutely no idea about the other forum? you mention, the one that is teaching you about residual feelings how to devalue yourself some more, but i really do wish you would step away from it for a wee while and see how you go once you have.

You are worth so much more than what is happening to you.

Oh and I dont find you frustrating. I find you painful. You're hurting and its so obvious, your pain is palpable. xxxxxx

OP, I agree with so many of the pps here, he isn't that invested in making it work with you, sorry.

The asking to met up - testing her loyalty to him. She is still holding on & he is giving her enough line to keep her dangling there. Throwing her a morsel now & then to keep her hooked.

Now he knows you can access his work emails, he will stop keeping the trophy emails there & delete them/transfer them to a folder on his pc/USB/hard drive/other email account.

I had a relationship with a guy, it didn't get past a couple of kisses, but was emotionally charged. I was pregnant at the time & was feeling really lost & lonely & instead of going to dp, I let my relationship with this other guy develop.

I realised I was in too deep & being stupid, so I stopped it. My partner never found out about it.

To stop the temptation, to start focusing on my life with dh, I cut all contact with him. It was hard as he was someone who came into my place of work to service our equipment.

I deleted his emails/email address (emails that I had transferred to a disk & hid at work)/told him to do same with mine
I deleted his text/phone number/told him to do same with mine
I asked him not to come into my workplace on the days I worked.

He agreed. And I got on with my life. I thought I missed him, but I missed the 'adventure'

He did end coming into work one day, several months later (couldn't be avoided) & he sent a message through a colleague (to say something really ambiguous to me, so I knew he had to come in & when). So I took my lunch & silently thanked him for respecting me enough to do that.

I haven't heard from him since I talked to him to say it was over, this was helped by the fact that I left the company when I had my baby.

THAT is how you go no contact op. That is how I fought to correct the mistakes I had made, even though my dh didn't know, I needed to fix things in my mind.

10yrs down the line from that, we are still together & dh is all I need! I talked to him about what I needed from him & we made changes & I changed too.

I worked hard to fix what I did. I couldn't have done it if I hadn't gone NC with the other guy, because the temptation would have always been there. It could easily have developed into more.

Your dh isn't as committed to fighting for your marriage as you are, op. I'm sorry, he just isn't.

Holdtight I can completely understand why you are trying so hard to make this work. It's not easy to walk away. It's easier to make excuses for him and to hope that things will work out.

But if he truly loved you and was truly committed to your marriage and to making up for his deceit then he would not have had any contact with this women since you found out about the affair and chose to work on your marriage.

You can't trust him

Can't you see this is already making you ill? Every single person without exception here have the same view. You need to question why you are the only one who can't see it. Your self esteem has completely skewed all of your thoughts.

You are not and will never be in control of this situation. It doesn't matter how hard YOU "try". The absolute only guarantee you have here is that whatever happens is whatever your H wants to happen.
You have no power. He doesn't respect you. Your opinion and feeling count for absolutely nothing, zero. His true actions (staying in contact) trump every other word that you wanted to hear.

Telling your wife you are grieving for another woman isn't just smearing shit in your face. He is waiting until you are completely gobsmacked and open mouthed and then he's making you eat it. You are gobbling it all up in an attempt to "try". How can it not taste so disgusting that you refuse to be in the situation when he can every do it again.

I fear the only thing you are trying to do is make more of a victim of yourself. Do you somehow feel you deserve this? I just really can't fathom it. What are you punishing yourself about? Do you know what it's like to hold a flame for someone else in the past? Have you cheated in a pervious relationship? I really just can't understand why you are continuing to eat this shit?!!

The only way he will stop feeding you shit is if you aren't there to taste it.

What makes you think this time is different. Didn't you think that last time?

You are scared to walk away, you feel like you are letting your children down, you worry how you will fit into your social group, that you will be talked about. Will some people blame you. Whatever it is that's stopping you going, it not as bad as eating shot three times a day!
He might start serving it up covered in chocolate but the filling will still be the same!

It seems that he grew feelings for someone that he can't turn off over night but is trying to?

Define 'trying to'.

He met up with her twice as well, yes? Phoned her. All this plus many email exchanges. Yet, while this is happening, he's making promises to you, sitting in counseling with you...

If it helps, I'm with you in that I don't think he wants to be with her full-time. He would hate the idea. But having her on the side is great. Having a wife who you know will stay with you no matter what must be very nice for a certain kind of man.

OP, I remember your other thread (think I posted on it) and am struggling to understand why you are allowing this man to treat you this way. It sounds as if your way of coping is to detach from everything and try to reason it away. I have to tell you that it isn't working because as much as you love this bellend, he doesn't love you. Keeping contact with the OW is merely him keeping his options open because his life isn't about you and your children, it is simply about him and what he wants. He is paying you lipservice: promising the world in the hope you'll STFU, he'll lie low for a while, keep OW on the backburner and then once the dust has settled, he'll start the whole thing up again with either the OW or a new woman.

OP this is the reality and I'm afraid, you're letting him by making excuses for him. 'Trying to turn his feelings off?' - That is you making an excuse for his behaviour. If he was any sort of man, he'd have cut OW off completely and as other posters have said, be moving heaven and earth to make this up to you. He isn't because he couldn't give a toss.

I do wonder why your self esteem is so low that you are accepting this shitty treatment. Have men treated you like this before? Was your father an adulterer? Abusive? It's awful to read that you believe you deserve so little.

"Trying"?? How exactly is he trying - phone calls/emails and meet ups with OW is "trying"?

Pathetic

I (personally) don't think he's doing all this consciously, by the way. I expect he genuinely believes he wants to be with you. I am almost certain he is miserable and 'trying not to hurt anyone'. I say this because it's too easy to discount these portrayals of a cold-hearted bastard because they're dissonant with what you see every day. The fact neither of you wants to admit he is behaving badly doesn't change the behaviour.

I agree avrilinca. He obviously is still in love with OW but also loves his Wife but I would imagine that whilst he is still in love (in lust) with OW he cant see the wood for the trees. If OP would just tell him that he must move out and go no contact as much as possible then he would soon tire of OW quicker and then he would be in a better position to wholeheartedly persue OP again and try and win her back properly.
He wont feel the need to do this until he is faced with losing her.

Why are you so afraid to follow through on your bottom lines? What are you afraid of if you leave?