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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

471 replies

holdtight · 20/07/2014 20:29

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

OP posts:
Original poster
holdtight · 23/07/2014 17:52

They are not in mobile contact. He showed me all emails including more incriminating ones that I had not seen. It is all out now. I am sure of that. I have read sites about Dday2 and other sites on how to cope when dh has residual feelings for ow, it all seems common as far as coping with infidelity goes.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 23/07/2014 17:53

Have you checked his mobile bills?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/07/2014 17:57

No, it's not 'common' to lie to your wife for nine months after discovery - it's not common to sit I counselling and pretend how committed you are to her- and then sneak off for more contact with your gf. It takes a special kind of twat.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 18:28

Well, good luck, OP. Let's hope this is an end to it. Him dragging it out like this must be torture for you. What does he say about lying in counselling, btw ? And just how "incriminating" is the other stuff you hadn't yet seen ?

I hope you really mean it that this is his last chance. I suspect you will be having to follow through on that threat, but perhaps he will surprise us all yet.

Original poster
holdtight · 23/07/2014 18:35

Hi AF. More incriminating as in him asking to meet up then backtracking and saying he wants to but 'can't' when she agrees, asking 'what she suggests' when she asks to meet. I know this does not sound good. I will 100% follow up this last time, I know I have no choice. This is not what I ever imagined for my life.

OP posts:
MustTryDating · 23/07/2014 18:45

Yes Holdtight - you have to and you know it. Grieving is one (crap) thing. Discussing meeting up is crapper. You are completely right to say no contact.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 19:01

No, that doesn't just "not good" it sounds totally out of order.

Everything said on this thread about how your husband is behaving wrt to keeping OW on a string, the deceit, the clear eyed self-knowledge of just what exactly he is doing is totally vindicated.

Love, what are you doing ?

he says he "can't" meet not that "he doesn't want to" which not too subtly places you as dreaded joy spoiler

asking her "what she suggests" is cold blooded teasing of her, and complete disrespect of you

I don't know how much clearer it could be that this man is not worthy of you. He's the shittest booby prize that an unfortunate woman could ever win. If your self respect was fully intact, you would gift wrap and send him over to her with a red bow on his head.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 19:01

doesn't "sound"

CurtWild · 23/07/2014 19:11

He's asking to meet up with OW. Whether he actually did or not would mean sweet fa to me. Fact is he wanted to. And yes, the word 'can't' instead of 'don't want to' is disrespectful in itself. Agree with AF, stick a big bow on his head and dump him on the OW's doorstep. If he was ny H and he acted so cruelly, sge'd be welcome to him.

INeedABiggerBoat · 23/07/2014 19:21

What AnyFucker and CurtWild said. Holdtight I don't think you realise how utterly depressing this is to read - you deserve a thousand times more than this scumbag you're fighting for.

MissScatterbrain · 23/07/2014 19:32

Just read the latest update Sad

He asked OW if he could meet her.

No way is the affair over and done with.

This is NOT common in committed reformed cheaters.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 19:47

OP, him and OW are playing a mating dance right under your very eyes

and you are watching it happen

I can't put into words how much I want to shake you and make you see sense. If you were my RL friend we would be having a glass of wine right now and talking about how you deserve better

where are your female friends, fgs

CatKisser · 23/07/2014 19:52

Jaw has dropped upon reading he asked to meet then backtracked, claiming he "couldn't."
Obviously when he saw she was still keen he knew she was still available for the time being. He is HORRIBLE. And you are a mere option to him, instead of the woman he should be moving heaven and earth for.
As AF said, where the hell are your mates?
You deserve a happier life than this.

Only1scoop · 23/07/2014 19:54

Op that is not a good update....I fear now he knows you have discovered the messages he may push things further under stones....other mail accounts....phones etc....

It's a horrid was to live....I've tried it. It hurts like crazy.

He obviously keeps her hanging on to whatever degree....don't be someone's second best. Ever.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 19:56

OP please pick up the phone to your female friends and make plans to meet them. Tell them everything your husband is doing with the OW.

Make this real. You need RL support. From people who are in your corner. Your husband is not, despite his pretty words in "tender moments" and OW is certainly not.

Only1scoop · 23/07/2014 20:04

Yes you need some RL support.... Does anyone actually know?

tribpot · 23/07/2014 20:04

So sorry, OP. I think you need to ask yourself if this is how you would behave if you had betrayed your marriage and betrayed him, and were trying to make up for it and seek to be forgiven. If that was what you truly wanted, knowing how deeply you had hurt him and deceived him, would you try and deceive him again?

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 20:06

OP, nobody knows about this, do they ?

You have kept this all a grubby secret for him, haven't you ?

CurtWild · 23/07/2014 21:26

How many times will you turn a blind eye because you're scared of 'losing' him to OW? How many times will you widen your own goalposts to keep someone who doesn't deserve you? On your last thread you stated what your bottom line was and he's crossed it.

Advice on your last thread included asking him to leave, and if he ran to the OW then you'd have your answer. He's running to her whilst living his cosy life with you. What does that tell you?

He's not worth your love or time or effort anymore. And to 'lose' him to OW would be no loss. I'm sorry to sound harsh holdtight, it's obvious you love him and your marriage means the world to you, but (as gently as possible), it really doesn't mean the world to him. If you were my rl friend/sister, I would tell you that and want more for you than this half life. As it is you're an unknown person on the internet, and I still think you deserve more than this waste of skin.

areyoubeingserviced · 23/07/2014 21:31

He really is a selfish bastard.
OP, stay with him if you want to, but as long as you are aware that you are destined to a life of misery.

SanityClause · 23/07/2014 21:40

As PP had suggested before your update, he is stringing both of you along.

Is it that you can't bear to lose him, or is it really that you don't want to feel you have lost this competition? Because from the outside looking in, it doesn't appear to be a competition worth winning.

Original poster
holdtight · 23/07/2014 21:52

This is NOT a competition for me, it is a long marriage with a man I love and father to my dc. This is it now, I can't cope with this hurt again, please know.

OP posts:
CatKisser · 23/07/2014 21:59

But why doesnt he want to fight to make it work like you do?

avrilinca · 23/07/2014 22:09

It doesn't read as if you're fighting, it reads as if you're determined to stand there and distinguish yourself by taking blows without showing any pain/weakness. That is the challenge you've set yourself - it's even in your thread title, as you're asking how to cope. How to suffer, in other words. I don't doubt your commitment but it seems as if you're holding a chest tight to your body without daring to look inside and check whether the treasure is really still there. You sound like a lovely woman; I think you need to recalibrate what success, for you, looks like. Distance is a good way of gaining perspective. Do you want to keep holding tight forever?

CatKisser · 23/07/2014 22:11

I bow to avrilinca who I think has put it perfectly.