DH in occasional contact with OW - how to cope

[holdtight]

Hi MN. I have posted previously about my DH's affair/disclosure and what I have perceived to be marital progress to a better place. Since we decided to try again, I have seen emails to but mainly from ow to dh saying how much she misses him. Most of the time he responds to say he is sorry but he is trying with his marriage. I've also found out they have been to two of the same functions outside of work together and spoke once on the phone. I confronted him with the emails and he told me he still thinks about ow.

I've checked emails again this weekend for first time in a couple of months and there is one from her asking how he is and saying she misses him he has AGAIN replied saying that things are okay and he is getting on. She replies again saying she can meet up anytime and he has not replied (a month ago) as far as I can see.

Everything else is going good and much better than before. Is it unrealistic of me to think ow would just disappear? And that dh would be able to let go 100% after a one year affair?

As I said in my last post, I am not actively advising OP to do that. But I think she needs to examine quite seriously her fearful knee-jerk response to keep things tight and ordered and unmessy and preserve the status quo, in general. It profits mostly her DH.

If you are asking me what I feel could be gained in theory, I would say that someone who wanted to find out if they had been told the truth my their partner would be more likely to find it out from the OW than DH. Especially in a situation like this, where the OW recently has been 'dumped' and has no residual loyalty to DH or hopes of them being together. Some people might feel this would make the OW likely to lie, but unless you are dealing with someone unstable, this seems highly unlikely.

Also, this situation takes the power out of the hands of the DH. Because he is not the only one in communication with both women, so cannot continue to compartmentalize. He cannot control the flow of information, nor can he imagine that both loves can co-exist, untouching each other. The 'bubble' of an affair is hugely powerful and when it is popped, by public discovery and/or all parties speaking, it almost impossible to re-create.

Also, people who are fundamentally decent will often feel much more pity for the cheated on person once they speak to them personally. Before that they are an idea, a figment, and portrayed a certain way through the cheater. Often contacting an OW can cause them to feel requisite shame and compassion for them to bow out for good.

So I suppose I would ask you in return, what is gained by not contacting her?

Why lower yourself to contacting her though. She knew he was married with children and a wife when she embarked upon this affair. She set her cap and went for it. We don't know that she has bowed out or what he has really said to her. I would bet she is waiting patiently in the wings using every trick in her book to keep him interested. She wants him, if she didn't, this would be over already.

I don't want to derail this thread with theoretics. I'm sure you have your own experience which is valid. I'm just not sure what 'lowering yourself' really means in the real world and though it's fun to slag off OWs for their poor decisions, they do exist, and not as pure panto villains. Pretending that they don't exist is what makes this sort of recurrence so painful and common in the first place.

Blood I thought they were in counselling and he kept the work emails a secret?

I think you've had some brilliant advice here OP. I think he knows you're deeply in love with him which gives him full opportunity to do and say whatever he wants as he knows you'll do whatever it takes to keep your marriage together. Your bottom line has already been broken, there have been no consequences so of course it doesn't really matter what his actions are, else why would he be so cruel as to tell you he's mourning the OW?

I agree about not staying together for the DC, I have a couple of friends whose parents did that very thing. One hates her Mum and the other knew that as soon as she moved out her parents would split up. It's not the sort of pressure you should be putting on to your DC, no children should ever have the burden of knowing that you stayed miserable for them, it's not fair. And they will know you aren't happy, kids aren't daft. I also question the example you're setting to them, that whatever happens within a marriage, you should stay.

Are you doing everything to keep him with you to prevent him going to the OW? Don't be second best, it's not a competition and he doesn't seem like a worthwhile prize. He should be begging to stay with you, not the other way round.

(It's taken me about two hours to finish this reply so apologies if the thread has moved on).

Sure. I think that's right, Loletta. I would only advise it if someone is desperate to know the truth about something, concerned an affair in ongoing and unable to ascertain the truth or if there is necessary continued contact with the OW by either party for some work or family reason.

Holdtight, I've been following your thread since the beginning and this is the first chance I've had to comment. How are you? And how are things now?

You have lots of people rooting for you and I really hope you get your happy ending. Update us when you get the chance, will you?

Thanks ears :)

I am okay. Still 'remaining vigilant' as of course it is early days since the last betrayal though dh is doing everything in his power to help and is still very upset at what he's put me through and is being very loving toward me including taking me on a surprise holiday - just us. I found a deleted 20minute call on his phone that made me wonder if ow had been back in touch but when we had it out he said that it was work related, offered to call the number and cried that he wished he hadn't destroyed the trust and me. One day at a time at the moment. It is very very hard going. Wish I could get back to pre affair security.

Why was the "work call" deleted?

Call the number.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life "remaining vigilant?"

So he betrays you again and gets to go on a fab surprise holiday with you just. What a great reward for being a knob.

Why did he delete the number? Not sure I know how you do to be honest.

Why didn't you call the number? Seems like all he has to do is offer and cry knowing you won't do so.

If he is still deleting stuff innocent or not I don't know how you will ever trust him.

Good luck.

Holdtight , he Offered to call the number?

I'm sorry but it's a very easy thing for him to offer if he knows you'll be too scared to say please do.

And the tears? Well, they were probably added for good measure given that he knows you are still not being thrown off the scent. Was the call to the other woman? Who knows but given his behaviour with the tears it's a dead cert there is contact with the other woman and it's irrelevant whether the deleted call was to her or not. There will be others you haven't found

Same for the holiday - the whole thing stinks to high heavens.

You speak about his 'latest betrayal' - how many more do you need?

You are having a massive number done on you and I feel sorry for those around you because they must be wanting to scream in frustration

I found a deleted 20minute call on his phone that made me wonder if ow had been back in touch but when we had it out he said that it was work related, offered to call the number and cried

Ok...? And did you take him up on the offer to call that number holdtight? Assuming you didn't, why didn't you?
...Not that vigilant really.

I am really sorry you are going through this.

Why does one delete work related calls? Or any calls on your phone, especially work related ones as opposed to very private ones?

Sorry, I am baffled by all this. Have been reading your whole thread and wish you well.

I think you are going about this the wrong way. If you want to keep your marriage you have to be stronger than this. How come you are so placid? Sorry I genuinely don't understand and I am a very relaxed person...

I think it's understandable that the phone call seems suspect. I really don't want to put a downer on you trying to move on so I won't comment any more on it.

I just really really hope this works out how you want holdtight. Being on red alert sounds pretty awful but only you can make a decision on how much your are willing to put into this.

Jeez, hold. Make him call the number. Crying is the oldest trick in the book. It's called crying out of sadness for being caught out.

I don't know why you seem to afraid to push things to their conclusion. If you're prepared to raise the phone call, why not see it through?

Hold can raise the call because she knows she can't follow it through to the end, and she knows her husband will tell her what she needs to hear. She will be relieved by his response because it will help her believe that she's not afraid to follow the call through - she just didn't have to.

She still thinks she can do it.

It's very very upsetting.

hold, what are you so afraid of?

I suspect, what she's afraid of, is her marriage ending.

The truth.

Holdtight is very understandably afraid of the truth.

It's very sad, it's just awful to see a woman going through this and suffering so much

holdtight I am so proud of you.

I think you are a strong, strong woman for coping with this whole situation as well as you have.

I am a firm believer in fighting for a marriage and that is exactly what you are doing.

I can understand the others on this thread doubting the long term stability of your marriage. But I disagree with them.

Together you and your husband can work this out and be a stronger couple as a result.

I'm not afraid. I'm feeling a lot better about things since this thread began and am able to contemplate a life without dh should that happen. At times I have even wondered that the way I feel sometimes, it almost seems preferable. And of course I wonder how sustainable it all is, constant checks of phones and emails, and if that will ever fade, and if it doesn't fade wether I can live like that.

I know the call was deleted as I checked the phone one day it was there, then when I looked again it was not in call history (so in truth, should I have made him call the number, I could not have been sure if it was the same one).

Granny - what do you mean 'there will be others'? and why does the holiday stink?? I perceived this to be a way of getting some 'us' time to reconnect :(.

You won't always be checking his phone and emails. In time and with much mutual support, you can learn to trust again.

Thanks Waffle

You are doing great