Partner wants me to leave family house and find a room

[NomdePlumage]

I currently am primary carer and do about 90% of childcare. I am happy to leave if that's what he wants me to do to give him space (I said I didn't think relationship was working and we should formally end it- been living separate lives for few years).

Will I legally put myself at risk with regards to access to children if I sleep in another house.

I will carry on providing childcare just go home to my own place in the evenings.

Is there anyway to access telephone legal advice at the weekend?

"i feel sorry for you .but i would not leave my children .and he cannot stop you taking them .i would go to court first .get an order .if thats what you want because no matter what anyone says your children will feel you have left them as well as him ..hell would freeze over first if it was me "

Maybe at some subconscious level I thought if I went then I would get more support from his family/friends as they would wonder how he could possibly do that to the mother of his children so he can't be the wonderful dad they all think he is. Not saying he's not a good Dad just that they probably think he can do no wrong- but I know that is playing games and i regret thinking that

He doesnt get to dictate. You are happy to co-exist, he isnt so he has to deal with that. If he is the one that wants to live seperately then he has to be the one to leave, he cant force you out.

I suggest you put it to him in those terms.

Maybe at some subconscious level I thought if I went then I would get more support from his family/friends as they would wonder how he could possibly do that to the mother of his children so he can't be the wonderful dad they all think he is.

What will happen is that they will judge YOU. They will wonder how a mother could do that to her children, trust me on this. It isnt right or fair but thats what will happen. I used to know someone who split with his GF and put pressure on her to leave "for space", she thought it was just until they worked things out and got back together. Wrong. Within weeks he was in court and got full custody (this was about 16/18 years ago) and she got visitation EOW. It broke her heart and although eventually she did get more visiting rights, she never got her daughter back and their relationship never recovered because her DD thinks that her mother abandoned her, something her father never bothered to correct. :(

Sorry to offend you OP but the way your posts were written, I didn't seem to get the sense that you'd thought about the emotional impact of your departure on your children. Almost as if you were an inconvenience. Or a babysitter.

It is scary to think about upheaving your children's lives but you are their constant. Not the home they live in. You. So they go with you.

Turbo I wasn't necessarily not believing that statement. I was saying that saying "I'm not being abused" does not mean there has been no abuse. Using children to control your partner is abusive behaviour as is pressuring someone for sex. It's not unreasonable to ask those questions about whether there has been abuse in the relationship, that's all anyone is saying.

Op I'm glad you are getting advice. I also agree his family and friends will likely take his side no matter what and he will likely want to portray you as having walked out on your family.

If you had had enough and wanted to leave and have him take over as the primary carer then this would be a valid choice and perhaps not a bad thing to do but you don't want that. You seem to want to remain primary carer and he seems to want you to. That means, if you can't live together because he won't accept it is over, that he has to move out.

I don't think you should be accepting all the blame or being punished.

I know it is difficult to get your head around the idea that his behaviour may be abusive but what you describe; the pressure 2-3 years ago, the requests when you have made it clear you don't want to have sex with him, the threats about the children, those things are abusive behaviours and it is certainly possible for him to generally be a nice man who you get on well with as friends and for him to be behaving abusively towards you sometimes or over certain things. Things are rarely as cut and dried as a person who behaves abusively being a big nasty person who you have to keep your children from.

The toxic environment you describe is one where there are abusive behaviours happening (him using his power; as the one who still wants the relationship to continue and as the main breadwinner, to exert control over you), that's why it's toxic. If he is actually a nice man then separating properly (living apart) may well put a stop to the abusive behaviours and will make everything better for the dc. People acting out of desperation often act abusively without necessarily having any malicious intent but it doesn't make the behaviour any more acceptable or any less abusive.

do not leave the house it will all go against you ,your dh although at the moment may be playing nice can use it against you and say you willing left your children ,,,,how do i know this because its what mine did

Him being 'very laid back' so much so that he doesn't get annoyed over things when you do, sits a little oddly with this development where he now 'wants space' enough to ask you to move out even though that will be an upheaval for your kids. It sounds to me almost as though he has got advice from somewhere about how to gain the upper hand. Definitely stick to your guns for now and get your own legal advice.