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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner wants me to leave family house and find a room

157 replies

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 13:40

I currently am primary carer and do about 90% of childcare. I am happy to leave if that's what he wants me to do to give him space (I said I didn't think relationship was working and we should formally end it- been living separate lives for few years).

Will I legally put myself at risk with regards to access to children if I sleep in another house.

I will carry on providing childcare just go home to my own place in the evenings.

Is there anyway to access telephone legal advice at the weekend?

OP posts:
JustSquirted · 20/07/2014 21:52

Are you wanting to "sleep in another place" to avoid having "to lie back and think of England" ?

No. Just no. Or phone the police.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2014 21:56

OP, you appear to be sleepwalking into a terrible situation

Stay in the family home and divorce him. That way, you will all be protected.

Something very wrong here

TurboWithAKick · 20/07/2014 21:59

Not married AF

No legal protection

tisrainingagain · 20/07/2014 22:01

I understand how you feel nom - that he is a good dad and has worked hard for the house (not that you haven't Hmm) as I feel in a similar situation except, though clearly at the end of out relationship, h and I have not discussed it.

When I think of how a separation would work I am completely at a loss as h would not discuss anything reasonably and probably tell me to "fuck off then" (as he has in the past when things have been very difficult).

I do agree with posters who say that if you effectively "leave without the children" you set a precedent in terms of "resident care". I am sure your legal advice will corroborate this.

Does anybody know what happens if you, for example, rent a flat and take the dc to live there say 50% of the time (as they would obviously still need to see theit Dad). How would that be viewed in court care of the children wise? (I think house wise a sale could still be forced in order to free the equity).

I too am concerned at toxic silent environment my dc are living in at the moment.

Pannacotta · 20/07/2014 22:03

Worrying thread.
Please seek good legal advice asap OP and I would be hesitant about mediation in your shoes, he sounds controlling and angry.
Do not leave your home, think of your DCs, not your STBXP.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2014 22:04

Sorry, I missed the not married bit

All the more reason to see a solicitor before agreeing to anything

OP, you will lose residence of your children if you sleepwalk into this crazy idea

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 20/07/2014 22:47

Unless there was any legal document prepared to protect his deposit, the fact is that the house is in joint names. If neither of you could afford to buy the other out, the Court could order a sale. The proceeds would be divided equally. It's irrelevant that he paid the mortgage.

PlumpPartridge · 21/07/2014 08:18

Do not move out. Really, really don't.

hamptoncourt · 21/07/2014 08:40

I think OP is set on moving out despite our unanimous advice not to.

Maybe she has her own reasons and would prefer to live away from her family.

I'm out.

Offred · 21/07/2014 08:42

Have you got experience in dealing with abuse victims turbo? They ALL say things like 'he's a good dad', 'he's never been abusive', just another version of 'he never actually hit me' which is what i said - he did push me over hard on the floor when I was pregnant after he had raped me. It's not a massive leap when someone mentions that they don't want to "lie back and think of England" that they may be being or at risk of being sexually abused.

dollius · 21/07/2014 09:24

FFS he has never got up in the night for them, not once according to OP. And now he proposes to do that? Of course not. He is just brow beating the OP. Perhaps if he wanted the relationship to work he should have stepped up and done his fair share. Why the fuck should she put up with a crap husband just to be able to stay with her kids?

OP how will your kids react to you not being there in the night or at the weekend?

nauticant · 21/07/2014 09:24

Nom, what happens after you move out and he gets a new partner and moves them in? He will most probably then get them to do all the school runs and child care while he works. He and his new partner won't want you coming around to the house they now call their home. You will then be left with no home, in a rented room, and limited access to the children.

In addition, you'll have to pay child maintenance to your ex.

Unless you get good legal advice and follow it, you're heading towards a vast and life-breaking disaster.

Oh, and beware of mediation. It's effectively a way to getting a compromise between two positions and is not intended to support you in enforcing rights that you have. It is not appropriate in this situation.

TurboWithAKick · 21/07/2014 09:33

offred no... No not all abuse victims say 'he's a good dad' etc.... Some, but not all. You are generalising to suit your stance. How about believing what the op has written?

dollius · 21/07/2014 09:37

How about YOU believe the OP turbo? Her H does not do child care at the moment because he doesn't see why he should have to as he is so exhausted. He won't get up In the night. How is it reasonable of him to expect their primary cater to move out?

dollius · 21/07/2014 09:37

Carer

TurboWithAKick · 21/07/2014 09:39

He doesn't expect it.... Op is hell bent on it!

dollius · 21/07/2014 09:43

No, she wants to end the relationship for very valid reasons. If he had any care for the dcs best interests, he would move out, at least until the split is formalised.

If he was so determined to make his relationship work he would have stepped up and shared the child care and domestic shit work.

Living in a toxic atmosphere is also not in dcs interests so one of them has to go.

OP you must NOT move out.

Slashtrophe · 21/07/2014 09:46

Nom -

In a sort of similar situation I moved out, but with the kids, and rented a flat. Got housing benefit and TCs and eventually started court proceedings to get my share of the house. It is possible, please don't move out without them....if I could do things differently with an equally selfish ex I would have got legal from the start and made him move out, and I would not have been nearly so lenient re access and maintenance as a really selfish person is never going to look out for your interests, or indeed the kids interests

kaykayblue · 21/07/2014 10:18

If you move out of the house but still come back to be the main care giver NO ONE in court will take that into account. You won't get tax credits. You'll have to pay maintenance to your ex even though you are the one looking after the kids.

This man has no right to dictate that the kids stay with him and you just have to come over like some sort of fucking au pair.

I get that you feel guilty about wanting to end the relationship but even considering this approach is utterly cretinous.

See a lawyer. Speak to women's aid. You cannot be blackmailed into choosing between:

Staying in an unhappy relationship

Moving out, losing all legal protection and paying your ex for the pleasure of remaining your kids carer (which again, wouldn't be recognized in court...)

That's utter bullshit.

You need to WAKE UP op.

Oscarandelliesmum · 21/07/2014 10:25

OP,
Please, please do NOT move out. Think about if the DC get I'll in the night, when the new woman moves in as previous poster says, when they are grumpy and challenging and need their mum right then, not some too exhausted uninvolved dad and you having to drop everything and race over again and again before being effectively ,dissmissedl' to go home to your one room. It sounds so awful for you. Please listen to the advice here.

supersop60 · 21/07/2014 10:46

Do not leave without the children. Find somewhere that you can all go - you'll get all the necessary financial help - credits/benefits etc. Take a day off work and go flat hunting.
DO NOT leave the children.

feelinghothothot · 21/07/2014 10:49

Your children will view this as you leaving them behind, make no mistake of that. For their future emotional stability DO NOT CONSIDER LEAVING THEM BEHIND

Shedding · 21/07/2014 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDontDoIroning · 21/07/2014 11:15

You won't get child benefit as the children won't live with you. So you won't get tax credits either. Don't move out and leave the children,

marne2 · 21/07/2014 11:29

Stay put, don't leave the children, if he wants to split up then he can leave, if not then you need to stay put until you have legal advice, if you feel you have to leave then please take the children with you.