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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner wants me to leave family house and find a room

157 replies

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 13:40

I currently am primary carer and do about 90% of childcare. I am happy to leave if that's what he wants me to do to give him space (I said I didn't think relationship was working and we should formally end it- been living separate lives for few years).

Will I legally put myself at risk with regards to access to children if I sleep in another house.

I will carry on providing childcare just go home to my own place in the evenings.

Is there anyway to access telephone legal advice at the weekend?

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 21/07/2014 11:36

Do you think that you deserve to be punished for wanting to end the marriage? Do you think that being banished to your 1-bed garret is reasonable, given that you are the one who wants to break things up?

You are allowed to want a different life. Just because it's working for him doesn't mean that it has to work for you. You are allowed your own opinion and own voice.

You also need to consider the children for whom you act as primary care-giver. They will be very much affected if you move out, even if you decide to do something daft like leave at 10pm and be back by 5am. That would be a ridiculous course of action and you know it.

Please come back op, if only to let us know that you've read this stuff.

WobblyHalo · 21/07/2014 14:23

Did everyone miss this post from the op?
"
I am going to stay put until after legal advice. This is a nightmare."

WobblyHalo · 21/07/2014 14:26

It seems she is taking on board what people are saying.

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 14:59

"You sound really detached. I mean honestly you'd leave your own children"

I'm sorry but I'm quite offended by that given that I've done everything for them since they were born.

The only reason I'm considering moving out is I feel guilty that my family has no money and the only reason we could get this house is with a lot of help from partner's mum. Of course I don't want to leave the children but it felt like I had no other option.

we have been in a loveless relationship for years. I was starting to have mental problems due to the stress which was affecting my children's behaviour. Of course I won't walk out on my children but what hapens if he won't go either . I'm happy to stay put, I just won't put out

OP posts:
Pannacotta · 21/07/2014 15:03

Nom please speak to a good solicitor for advice re your partner being obstructive and how to go forward, I think they will suggest that a forced sale of the house goes ahead and you both get rehoused with proceeds from that.
The children and their welfare should be the main priority for you both, it seems from what you write that he is more concerned about keeping the house.
I would avoid mediation in this scenario.

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:05

I am not an abuse victim. I have not been raped. This thread is turning really nasty.

DP and I don't have an intimate relationship. He has not pressured me for 2-3 years but he wants to get things back on track- I don't.

No forcing. I've just said I don't think it will ever happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:13

"You seem determined to move out... I asked earlier, is there more to this??"

I am not determined to move out. I have a really nice house after years of living in a 1 bedroomed house with DP and 2 children. Believe me I don't want to live in a bedsit but neither do I want to force my partner out. I want to coparent in the same house but we have tried that and its not working cause DP thinks we will get back together and I don't think I can. Yes i have done 90% of childcare but I suppose I have colluded in that. I can be quite controlling when it comes to parenting and like doing things my way. DP and I have completely opposite parenting styles.
My DP asked me to leave. I suppose I fear conflict and this avoids it.

I AM NOT MOVING OUT. I WILL STAY PUT AND SEE WHAT PARTNER DOES- CHECK

OP posts:
FidelineAndBombazine · 21/07/2014 15:13

Nom you ARE suffering 'mental problems' insofar as you are clearly depressed. You said yourself he has worn you down.

You also said that you must be careful what you say to him.

You seem to be saying, too, that you are under pressure to have sex.

Does any of that sound healthy to you?

As for being offended. Fine get offended, but THINK. Do your DC need a house most or do they need their mum?

The house is not their primary carer it will not love them and care for them and get up in the middle of the night to soothe them.

Living alone in a bedsit and travelling into work as a nanny to your own DC every day is going to leave you skint and miserable and will therefore not be good for your DC.

Please be kinder to yourself and prioritise your own wellbeing a bit more.

Can you tell us any more about the pressures your DP is putting you under?

We do want to help.

FidelineAndBombazine · 21/07/2014 15:15

X post

What does I'm happy to stay put, I just won't put out mean then?

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:15

"What was the point in you posting when you haven't took on board what's been said!"

I have taken it on board. I really don't see why people felt the need to abuse me when I was still in "shock" at being told to pack my bags.

Of course now I do know I need to stay

OP posts:
Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:16

"What does I'm happy to stay put, I just won't put out mean then?"

I mean I don't want a sexual relationship with DP. He is not pressurising but now and again he asks and I say no. I don't want to do that for next 18 years.

OP posts:
FidelineAndBombazine · 21/07/2014 15:18

Of course now I do know I need to stay

Good Smile

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:20

I have had anxiety for a long time. I thought it was because I couldn't cope with parenting now I know it's the relationship that was contributing to my unhappiness that was creating behavioural problems in my children.

You know what its like when you have a housemate that irritates and annoys you well that's the situation I was in. He is more laid back so doesn't get as easily annoyed. I just think we are too incompatible and I enjoy life more when we don't see so much of each other. We can chat and get along fine as friends but I find him exasperating.

OP posts:
Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:22

Legal appt next week. We'll just be ships that pass in the night until then (so no real change there).

OP posts:
WobblyHalo · 21/07/2014 15:23

Nom I can quite understand how you thought that moving out will be the answer. You are fed up and it was basically presented to you as your one and only option.

And you were trying to be reasonable. You sound like a lovely person who is under tremendous stress.

Please stay strong and Thanks

QuipFree · 21/07/2014 15:24

Great that you will stay in the house for now, OP. It must be really shocking and confusing to be told to pack up and move out, and that it's all your fault. It's not.

Go see a solicitor ASAP and start the process of splitting up. Hopefully you will soon get to the point where everyone is adequately housed and the children see both parents regularly. Best of luck.

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:25

Thank you. This is not personal really. DP and I would have split if there hadn't been children. We've tried to keep going but we just make each other reasonable. Apart we are very happy people. I don't want my children growing up in that toxic atmosphere.

And DP is more hands on when he has to be ie when I'm not around. That's why I can't live with him because I do pick up all the slack

OP posts:
Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:26

reasonable=miserable

OP posts:
FidelineAndBombazine · 21/07/2014 15:27

It all sounds very wearing and draining. Clearly sitting it out for 18 years is not the answer.

The obvious thing in this situation would usually be for you to rent a house with the DC, carry on working PT, maybe get child maintainence and maybe tax credits. You could agree arrangements for DC, maybe a 50/50 residence arrangement.

What is about that solution you are not happy with?

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:28

And thank you to those who gave me constructive criticism and advice.

I'm a little sad about some of the comments but it's difficult to guage the full picture on a snapshot.

OP posts:
Original poster
NomdePlumage · 21/07/2014 15:30

"What is about that solution you are not happy with?"

I live in quite an expensive part of the country so not quite sure about the finances. I think DP said a while back we couldn't afford two households when I suggested it. Anyway, I'll have a look into it again.

OP posts:
aprilanne · 21/07/2014 15:31

i feel sorry for you .but i would not leave my children .and he cannot stop you taking them .i would go to court first .get an order .if thats what you want because no matter what anyone says your children will feel you have left them as well as him ..hell would freeze over first if it was me .

FidelineAndBombazine · 21/07/2014 15:31

As an aside - a man who tries to kick the mother of his DC out of the family home on a Sunday and who says things like 'you go if you like but the DC are staying here' is not as laid back as he likes to think or portray himself as.

PlumpPartridge · 21/07/2014 15:31

I'm glad you're seeking legal advice before taking action. That is categorically a Good Thing.

FidelineAndBombazine · 21/07/2014 15:36

I think DP said a while back we couldn't afford two households when I suggested it. Anyway, I'll have a look into it again.

Convenient for him to have you think that Hmm

Very good idea to do your own reserach.

If you were alone with DC, renting a small house or flat on PT wages you could claim some financial help (tax credits and housing benefit potentially) and he would have to pay you child maintainence. Longer term you could increase hours.

Look into rents and run some figures through this calculator www.entitledto.co.uk/