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Original poster

Partner wants me to leave family house and find a room

157 replies

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 13:40

I currently am primary carer and do about 90% of childcare. I am happy to leave if that's what he wants me to do to give him space (I said I didn't think relationship was working and we should formally end it- been living separate lives for few years).

Will I legally put myself at risk with regards to access to children if I sleep in another house.

I will carry on providing childcare just go home to my own place in the evenings.

Is there anyway to access telephone legal advice at the weekend?

OP posts:
titchy · 20/07/2014 20:28

Why the fuck are you considering moving out. You'll lose your kids if you do.

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:30

"Why the fuck are you considering moving out."

Because apparently "I have destroyed the family".

When we discussed this a year ago, he said "You are free to walk at any time but the DC will stay here"

OP posts:
titchy · 20/07/2014 20:30

Several things could happen. You could sell the house and split equity so you are both able to house yourselves and kids. You could stay till kids have grown up and he gets somewhere else - better option and he has more earning power than you. Or you and kids could move elsewhere, with him buying you out of the house Which you co-own.

titchy · 20/07/2014 20:33

Ok so why are doing what he wants. Do what you want. Who made him the great decider and you the little woman who goes along with it. What do you think is in the kids best interests - to live with him and you see then one night a week and alternate weekends, or to live with you?

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:35

I would do option two. We have separate rooms anyway. There would be no real change apart from formally telling people and the end of hope for him.

We won't sell the house (only just bought and it took ages and don't want to uproot children) and he can't afford to buy me out.

I will go to a solicitor and arrange mediation though.

OP posts:
Offred · 20/07/2014 20:35

Which is exactly why you shouldn't leave. You are the primary carer so you are entitled to stay in the family home with the children if it is affordable on splitting the finances. If he refuses to go you may be able to force him to leave with an occupation order. If you leave you may be better off financially just paying him maintenance which would be less than your childcare bill I imagine but you will be the non resident parent.

He is using the children to force you to be in a relationship. He has been doing this for more than a year already. He is not being a responsible parent.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 20/07/2014 20:36

I'm sorry but if he doesn't like that you won't move out he can lump it. Honestly what's he going to do? If you aren't scared of him then who gives a monkeys what he thinks you should do. You CANNOT and MUST NOT move out. You will be the parent awarded EOW access, the one who loses a claim on the home etc. the kids will be massively disrupted and affected by their main carer walking away from them. Now read that back. If he was a good man would he ask this of you? Would he inflict disruption and distress on his children? Good men don't behave like that OP. Get legal advice and get ready to fight him over this. Do NOT back down.

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:38

In the best interests is children stay in family home and I do majority of care in week and he takes them out to his parents at weekend.

I am not doing what he wants but he will say that like my own parents splitting, i am doing that to my own children. The guilt will probably make me concede.

OP posts:
ohdearitshappeningtome · 20/07/2014 20:40

Do you not have any family
You and the kids can go to and give him the house?

So basically you have to move
Into a room. And then go back every day for when the kids get up until they go bed, do the school run clean etc while he goes
To work.......

Two words ...... Fuck that ..... Sorry not helpful!

You kids need stability and the comfort of their own home! You stbxp sounds like a twat he doesn't sound very nice at all

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:40

This has reinforced why it is the right decision to split up with him though.

It's the selfishness over many years of him and all the men in his family that has ground me down. They all put themselves first.

Thanks everyone. I was doubting myself and had a wobble. I am Ok and I know I'm a good parent.

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 20/07/2014 20:41

so what happens if he asks court for access for you - every other weekend? is that ok with you?

ohdearitshappeningtome · 20/07/2014 20:41

Isn't him guilt tripping emotional blackmail or gas lighting or something ?

ohdearitshappeningtome · 20/07/2014 20:41

I mean emotional abuse!

Sorry

Offred · 20/07/2014 20:42

He can't have it both ways.

The children stay in the house. Whoever stays in the house cares for the children which means paying for childcare, doing pick ups/drop offs, getting up in the night, getting a babysitter when they want to go out, and whatever financial support with that they are entitled to in terms of spousal/child maintenance.

If you earn less he will be entitled to less from you if you move out than you would get from him. He will have to do more.

He can't use you for unpaid domestic labour and claim to be the primary carer.

mindyourown1 · 20/07/2014 20:44

you must not move out and no solicitor would advise you do so - but why the hell are you blaming yourself, and yourself only, for the breakdown of your relationship? He sounds hell - and he has clearly done an absolute number on you for you to take all the blame and guilt.

Offred · 20/07/2014 20:46

Does he realise that if he wants you to move out he would have to take over the parenting?

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:46

No I won't do any cleaning! I have to get off to work myself after the school/nursery run. The thing is he is a "good" father in that he loves his children and works hard in his job. I just don't think he has ever really got me and my needs. He does always say I don't take enough breaks and offer to take them out but over the years I don't think he's appreciate just how hard I've worked bringing up the children.

I'm not the easiest person to live with and have been very very stressed over last few years. He thinks I need to relax and take a step back from parenting but I just don't think he has a clue about what I really needed and maybe I didn't tell him.

And no I don't want to lie back and think of England when I'm knackered

OP posts:
titchy · 20/07/2014 20:48

OP my option 2 was him moving out not both of you staying! What is best for the kids is two parents who co-parent together, and put their well-being above all else. They don't really need to stay in that particular house, they just need to be with their main carer and have good quality access to the other parent. The house is really not the most important thing to them.

Offred · 20/07/2014 20:49

So is he planning on taking over school runs and childcare bills and never being able to go out in the evening?

Original poster
NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:51

"so what happens if he asks court for access for you - every other weekend? is that ok with you?"

Hoping it won't get to court. I just hope mediators will be able to point out why things are or aren't a good idea. He can get very defensive so I have to be careful not to suggest he hasn't helped me enough.

I'm off to chat to a friend- I do really appreciate all the stuff you've been saying to me.

I don't think he is deliberately malicious- he just is very selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:52

"So is he planning on taking over school runs and childcare bills and never being able to go out in the evening?"

No I will need to do school runs and I have offered to baby sit when required. I will probably pay less to him monthly to cover any rent I incur. And I suppose I could claim more tax credits if separated.

OP posts:
Offred · 20/07/2014 20:54

Abusive people, or people who treat others very badly, are very rarely deliberately malicious IMO. I don't think his intention matters as much as his behaviour and it's consequences for the dc.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 20/07/2014 20:55

What was the point in you posting when you haven't took on board what's been said!

Your kids won't thank you for abdanonding them and only babysitting them sometimes

Offred · 20/07/2014 20:55

If he plans on you remaining the primary carer then he has to do the school runs and everything else. If he doesn't want to do all that then he can't ask you to move out and become the NRP.

Offred · 20/07/2014 20:56

If you move out without the dc you will not be entitled to family benefits. You won't get tax credits for childcare anymore for example.

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