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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner wants me to leave family house and find a room

157 replies

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 13:40

I currently am primary carer and do about 90% of childcare. I am happy to leave if that's what he wants me to do to give him space (I said I didn't think relationship was working and we should formally end it- been living separate lives for few years).

Will I legally put myself at risk with regards to access to children if I sleep in another house.

I will carry on providing childcare just go home to my own place in the evenings.

Is there anyway to access telephone legal advice at the weekend?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 14:14

And how is it justice for the DCs if their primary carer walks out of the door? Is your STBXP going to suddenly drop everything and do all the things you currently do?

Please get legal advice. He's not a good man.

TurboWithAKick · 20/07/2014 14:14

Everyone is posting that he's wrong and he's manipulative or abusive!

He just wants to keep his home and kids!

MarshaBrady · 20/07/2014 14:17

I wouldn't move anywhere until you speak with a solicitor. It could be risky to leave the family home.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 14:18

He is wrong because he's behaving selfishly. Relationships end and, when there are DCs involved, the 'test' of what happens next is always what is best for the DCs. The OP is 90% responsible for the DCs and doesn't sound like they are intending to keep the DCs from their father so a co-parenting arrangement is very possible if everyone's cooperative. They are not married and it's not mentioned if the house is co-owned or his property - so the idea of losing his home is speculative.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/07/2014 14:23

When a relationship ends there isn't any justice for anyone, it's not a competition and the children are not prizes that belong to the victor. You are the primary carer so you need to continue to do this job by staying in your home. Seek legal advice and maybe some mediation with your partner. The children's needs come first.

FidelineAndBombazine · 20/07/2014 14:27

Everyone is posting that he's wrong and he's manipulative or abusive!

He just wants to keep his home and kids!

Her home and children too though. Why does he get to order her out?

Why can't he coexist calmly under the same roof until proper arrangements can be made and legal advice accessed?

A reasonable nice human being does not try to throw their co parent out of the family home on the weekend th no notice.

Blu · 20/07/2014 14:27

That you abandoned the children is exactly what will be raised when it comes to residency and sorting out the house . Since you seem to have instigated the split, and therefore presumably had a vision of a different life in your head, how would you see it panning out, practically and fairly?

Lweji · 20/07/2014 14:30

Get legal advice asap, and I think it will be a good idea to contact WA as well.
You are the primary carer, it makes sense to stay with the children.
What if they wake up in the night or are ill? Is he prepared to spend a sleepless night?

Or would he ask for you to be back?

It seems that he gives more importance to the house than to his children.

Again, get legal advice.

Quitelikely · 20/07/2014 14:40

Have you considered that if your single you can claim tax credits to help with your childcare costs? Have you considered that he wouldn't need to pay you maintenance as the kids would be living with him?

Would he stop you seeing the children? Is he the sort to do that?

Does he have much to lose in the way of finances if you divorce?

TurboWithAKick · 20/07/2014 14:43

Come on op.... You want this split, he doesn't.... What did you envisage happening?

How did you want it to be?

Lweji · 20/07/2014 14:50

You can research a solicitor online and send them an email.

Don't agree to anything without letting a solicitor go through it.

FidelineAndBombazine · 20/07/2014 14:59

Turbo are you posting from the 1860s?

Are you suggesting that because the OP wanted the split she should have envisaged homelessness and the loss of her primary caring role to DC?

TurboWithAKick · 20/07/2014 15:02

She seems quite amenable to moving out

No I'm not posting from 1960's... But her DP isn't stuck in that era either! He's done nothing wrong

She's felt this 'for some time' so I'm asking how she thought it would be.... She must have thought it through

There's more to this op isn't there??

MarshaBrady · 20/07/2014 15:05

Amenable to moving out unless it has an impact on future residency situation. Which it could do, so don't move out without speaking to a solicitor.

FidelineAndBombazine · 20/07/2014 15:20

He has done something wrong Turbo - he has asked her to move out at extremely short notice, so much so that she cannot access legal advice about how doing so would impact future residence arrangements for the DC.

She only sounds amenable to moving out temporarily ('to give him space') and on the condition that it doesn't prejudice her position re the DC.

OP as others have said it will prejudice your position re the DC and is unlikely to be temporary.

The Rights of Women are a good organisation with an advice line, although unfortunately not open today www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php Can you hang on in the house over night?

Offred · 20/07/2014 15:45

He just wants to keep his home and kids!

he's done nothing wrong

Kids are not a possession.

He is wrong to ask her to go and wanting to end a relationship that is not working is not doing something wrong.

OP you stay in the house. You do 90% of the childcare, he says he is too tired to look after them when he is not at work so he is expecting you to move out but to return to do unpaid domestic labour when he can't be bothered?

He is not being reasonable. Perhaps he is just hurt but you both need to think about what is best for the children. This is not about 'justice for men'. Men who believe family breakdowns are about justice for men but who have up until the point the relationship broke down only been interested in contributing financially are IMO selfish and sexist.

If he wanted to look after 'his kids' why didn't he do it before. He hasn't and if a court were to get involved they would want to keep the children's environment stable because that is in the best interests of the children, not because men are being badly done to by women. The appropriate thing would be for him to leave the family home if anyone is going to. You would have to leave if the situation re caring for them was reversed but as it is, whilst it is sad for him that he has to go, it's the inevitable consequence of his behaviour and if he was prioritising his children's needs above his hurt ego he would understand this.

Offred · 20/07/2014 15:50

I mean no parent can basically say they are unable to be more involved with raising children while they have another person's free labour on tap and then suddenly be available when that person has had enough. He always was more available and he couldn't be bothered and is now basically threatening you so you can't leave him. Really low of him.

HumblePieMonster · 20/07/2014 16:17

Haven't read the whole thread.

Do not leave your home.
Do not leave your children.

Stay put. Get legal advice.

Do not talk yourself out of anything you are entitled to. Say to the solicitor 'I want everything I can get out of this, I have to support myself and the children'.

Don't take anything your partner says too seriously. He's trying to rip you off.

hamptoncourt · 20/07/2014 16:29

Absolutely do not leave the home unless you or DC are in danger.

Are you married?
Is home owned or rented? If so whose name is on deeds/rental lease?
You need to get legal advice pronto.

Do not leave.

Original poster

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:20

I'm not leaving immediately. I've told DP I've looked at rooms and he's agreed to come to mediation to sort out an agreement. I've told him I will see a solicitor before moving out.

It looks like we will try to sort out an arrangement where we carry on as before but I live separately and we will share care in the school holidays.

If I'm in a room I won't have much of a base for them but hopefully I can just come to the house to look after them in the interim.

Turbo asks what I expected to happen- well obviously I knew tough choices had to be made but it's either this or staying as we are until children are 18 and then breaking up and I certainly don't think that would be good for the children. I can't make myself be intimate with someone I no longer want to be intimate with. I could live in a platonic state with separate social life but he can't hence one of us has to move.

We do want to put the children first though. If we both stay I think the atmosphere would be increasingly toxic.

OP posts:

Original poster

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:21

House is co-owned but DP has put more deposit in and pays mortgage. I pay childcare and contributions towards bills.

OP posts:

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 20/07/2014 20:25

If you move without the children, it will be seen as you walking out on them, and you can pretty much guarantee that'll be brought up in any residence/custody arguments.

If you move out, you will not be the primary carer.

ThunderbumsMum · 20/07/2014 20:26

Nomdeplumage you are about to make a very foolish decision. As other posters have said DO NOT MOVE OUT you will lose everything, material and non material. Stay put until after you have had legal advice.

Original poster

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:26

Ok so if I refuse to move and he does, what then.

I could put up with it- I've been doing it in effect for 3 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

NomdePlumage · 20/07/2014 20:27

I am going to stay put until after legal advice. This is a nightmare. I wish I could make myself love him. Would be the easier option wouldn't it?

OP posts:

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