Help me decide what is best or least worst!

[Onepollock]

I left my H 2 months ago taking our two young children to my parents. I had a long running post here which I pulled when I found he'd been accessing my MN account.

I left because the atmosphere at home had become really hostile, he was drinking heavily, name calling it ignoring me, refused counselling etc.

2 months on we're no further forwards. Our oldest starts school in Sept and i'm desperate to get home so he can go on bus to school with his friends etc.

I have asked him to leave the house and he'a refused. I have now suggested one night a week and every other Fri and sat he would sleep in house with kids if he agrees not to drink. The rest of the time he would stay at a place we've been offered. This would be until end of year and then be reviewed but would at least get me back in the house. He has now suggested counselling (post seeing a lawyer whereas before he had laughed at me when i suggested it) and i've said i will go with him during this 4 month period.

however he's said no as its 'all on my terms' and I can return to either oexist with him under pre agreed terms or that we should share the house exactly 50/50.

The children aren very young (just 4 and 2.5) and aren't used to me being away from them very much. In the 2 months I've been away he hasn't contacted them at all during the week.

Would you do 50/50 to get back into the house. I think I have accepted our relationship is over but want to know what the right thing is to do for the children.

Thanks.

Interesting what the psychologist said. That could help. Maybe she did see his control issues. Surely with this level of drinking there must be some protection for the kids? What did the solicitor say here?

I am glad you are feeling better. You're getting more in control again. Don't give him any more chances. He's had quite a few hasn't he? I feel like I do understand a bit cos I kept giving second chances- and my hopes kept getting dashed. Only when I accepted it was down to me did I start to feel better! Good luck, keep on going

Just saying hello. I posted on your old thread a couple of times. Good to hear from you again.

So glad you've started divorce proceedings. I really can't see any other way for you to go.

Has anyone recommended the Women's Aid Freedom Programme to you yet? I haven't done it myself but hear so much about it on this board, so many women in/previously in abusive relationships seem to have found it helpful. Just thinking it could help you with believing in yourself, and not getting sucked into his lies and madness. Detaching.

Well done you. Glad you're back in the house as well.

Thank you talikinginthedark. I remember your posts. I'd love to try something once I'm a bit further down the track to get rid of the guilt.

I got the vitriolic response someone suggested. That he had tried everything and I had thrown it back at him, that I'd cost us a lot of time, money etc and that I never really wanted counselling and had given up after one session. Also that perhaps my issues were too much for me to face up to!!!!!!

Urgh I have read about projection which is essentially accusing the other person of your own problems as he seems to be doing just that.

Although I know what he wrote was bollocks it still really hurts.

Mediation starts next week. My solicitor suggested it would take 3 sessions to see if was working but perhaps I should see how we are after 1.

Although I know what he wrote was bollocks it still really hurts.

Although in some ways he has quite a twisted perception of reality, he has lived with you and he knows you well enough to know how to hurt you. His intention is to do this in order to control you. You have to remember that. He isn't sharing his innermost thoughts here. He's targeting his words to cause pain.

Aswell as not allowing him to project his faults onto you, you need to be careful not to project your moral standards and motivations onto him. You feel guilty because you don't like seeing others hurt. He clearly doesn't feel like that.

Good luck with the mediation. Make sure you have given it long enough that the court will be satisfied that you have given it a chance.

I hate this so much. He had his sister down and so I left the children with him this weekend. They seemed to have a lovely time. I missed them so much.

I want to ring him up to say what can we do to sort this out. I know I shouldn't bother.

Please tell me this is the right thing to do. I hate the thought of endless weekends without the kids. Of them missing out because they don't see him as often as they should if we could sort things out.

I have had a non relationship for so long I know I could tolerate it for longer. Although I know it is putting off the inevitable.

He told me I'm not able to face up to my issues. Not brave enough to deal with my problems. Is there any chance he could be right?

Please ignore this self pitying wobble. I feel like my family have had enough of this and I just need to get it out.

No, there is no chance he is right. He is a bully and an addict. Neither bullies nor addicts are known for their self awareness/honesty/clarity of perception/integrity.

I'm so sorry. I really don't see what else you can do. He won't stop drinking or even admit he has a problem, he just says it's all your problem, over and over again. You're not the one filling the recycling bin with booze bottles and cans on a regular basis. He's the one who's wrecked things, not you.

I know it's very different for me to sit here and say it's the right thing for you to do, and for you to actually be living it. I just hope you don't lose that many weekends with your DC, I hope that his drinking can be verified when it comes to the custody case (as I presume it will, ultimately) but I know there are no guarantees.

I know you worry about your DC not seeing him so much, but there are positives to that - he sounds emotionally abusive (which will impact on them more directly sooner or later) and frankly, how much can he care about them if he won't curtail his drinking for them and won't really prioritise them/your relationship/their family in his life? Are they really missing out on that much?

I totally understand the urge to call him and try to sort it out. But you know where that would lead. Going back to everything being on his terms. He would carry on drinking way, way too much, pissing your family money away, being unavailable to his family because of being over the limit/hungover, and the constant emotional abuse of telling you it's all your fault, you're the one with all the problems, everything is on you.

I'm so sorry, one, I really am. It's a horrible position to be in. I do think the angrier you can get about it, the better for you. Use all this shit to get angry and fight for the best life you can possibly get for you and your DC. You are the one who cares about them and is thinking about their welfare and their future. He's just being a Disney Dad. You know who makes the difference and is the foundation stone of their lives, however much of a "lovely time" they may seem to have had with him. for you.

Thank you Dark. Just needed a kick up the arse really. X

Think about how much he is messing with your head right now and how that is making you feel.

Now think about whether you want your children growing up in the middle of it all with no safe place to get away from it.

They had fun because that suited him this weekend. When it doesn't suit them he will treat them like he is treating you.

You can't stop him having some effect on them but you can stop them having to put up with it 24/7 and save them from having to watch him doing it to you.

You and your children all deserve a home in which you feel safe and free from emotional abuse.

If you don't leave him how are you going to protect yourself and them?

Good points, Goldmandra.

Sorry, one, you did say to ignore you... Not much good at kicks up the arse I'm afraid - a nice is much more my kind of thing!

Hope you have a good day

Last night things all got a bit nasty. He came up to the house to discuss various logistical things to do with the children etc and it turned to an argument very quickly.

He started telling me the house was falling down without him there and that he could see I was struggling to cope with the children and the house but that was my problem because I've kicked him out.

After he'd called me a twat for going to a solicitor at all I asked him to leave and he refused. He keep going on and on about how I was a control freak and how manipulative I was and in the end I just said yes and kept asking him to go. After he'd refused again I went next door to my neighbours for a few minutes and said that he should leave. Weirdly he left his car outside the house so I thought he was still there when I got back (I couldn't go for more than a few mins as the children were at home). I felt really creeped out as I thought he was somewhere in the house or garden. I rang him and he wouldn't say where he was. Eventually he told me he'd gone back to his cottage. I still don't know why he walked and left the car. i was really frightened and the neighbour came and stayed with me.

So now I've said I don't want him staying in the house. I'm not going to leave the children with him overnight so he can come up to do bed and bath but not stay over as it isnt necessary. He has said sod off.

I've had a mediation appt today. He is going to be invited to an initial meeting as well and then if we decide to go ahead we can go together. However that doesn't help me get rid of him. He is unstable and a total creep at the moment. I really dont' want to feel unsafe in my own house especially as I'm going to be there a fair bit alone. Any suggestions of getting him out? when is it legit to change the locks. Can I say I thought we had a break in so I've had to change them? He is supposed to stay tonight and I am going to stay in the house as well. It is really horrid feeling so uncomfortable.

My solicitor is away this week but I've emailed him about what happened last night. I can't see that it can be far off court order situation but I will have to wait until he comes back to see.

Write down everything that happened last night in detail with times for a start.

I don't think you can be far off getting an injunction but AFAIK, even then, you wouldn't be allowed to change the locks if he has a financial interest in the house. It's the order that keeps him out. However, there is no reason why you shouldn't put big bolts on the inside of the doors to make you feel more secure when you're alone in the house.

Could your neighbour or a friend or family member to stay over with you tonight? He probably won't like it but he would then either have to be reasonable or his behaviour would be witnessed by someone else, either of which is helpful to you.

He will keep saying that you aren't coping in an effort to brainwash you. Just nod and smile.

If you need him to leave tonight and he refuses, call the police and ask them to ask him to leave, especially if he is drunk or frightening you. I wouldn't walk out and leave him with the children again because he can use that as evidence that you trust him to care for them. Then keep calling them if he keeps coming back.

Sorry you're having to go through this

Well, just be careful and don't lose your keys, or you might have to replace the locks as you could have dropped them just outside the door and whoever picked them up could have got in the house.

In any case, and if you are frightened you could install a second key operated lock and a chain.

And I wouldn't walk out again either.

Hi

Well momentous evening yesterday. I said enough and he seemed to accept it. Said he felt relieved and that he knew we'd both be happy in the long term. He said he'd be happy for me to buy him out of the house. It was so strange, as soon as he'd given up he became nice again.

I felt enormously relieved then incredibly sad! I thought I'd be dancing round the house. But as soon as we both sad it was over he became warm and friendly again and I just wished he could have been like that more then we could have saved it.

I feel like a massive failure when I should be happy. I feel frightened of being on my own for the first time.

WHY!!

Not enough sleep I think!

Thanks for your support in getting to this point. I know it will be fine in the long run.

X

That's amazing news! I hope he sticks to his word.

You're not a failure but you are coming to terms with a different future. That's a kind of bereavement and it's not surprising that it feels scary.

You might not be used to being on your own but in your new future you will have a sanctuary from the emotional abuse and it will feel easier for that.

You're right. It will be fine and you have definitely done the right thing. That will become clear to you gradually as you build your new life with your children.

Now think about contact and how you need to set it up to make sure your children are safe. Don't be pushed into making concessions that you shouldn't just because you feel sad or sorry for him.

Thank you Gold.

Although I've had a rubbish day I have realised something. I picked up a holiday diary and was about to torture myself with memories of the wonderful trip (which it was) but I also remember some horrific rows and coldness etc that don't fit with the territory of wistful thoughts of an essentially happy marriage.

I am also very proud as my oldest has finished his first week of school and has loved it.

Have a good weekend and thank you again for the advice.

You can plan holidays with just the wonderful bits in now

Glad your DS is enjoying school. I hope he isn't too exhausted and grumpy this weekend after his momentous week.

Wow - how things are changing! I am so glad that your DS is enjoying school, I know that you have been thinking about that for a while!

And SO glad that STBXH is having a change of heart, and realising that carrying on like this is not in anyone's interest.

It's sad, yes it's sad, and I recognise that empty feeling- when the fight has been what is keeping you going, you feel some deflation when you don't have to keep fighting, and that's when the sadness for what might have been can slip in.

Try not to indulge it too much at the moment, try to focus on all the occasions he was a complete sod to you. Not to dwell on it, but just to remind you why you have been through all this and to keep you convinced it's the right path.

From everything you have previously said, I am sure that it is..... But nevertheless saying goodbye to your erstwhile dreams is sad, and I do sympathise. It's that realisation that he's never going to change that you have had to take on board. That the nice parts of his character are tempered with the really difficult parts- and there's nothing you can do to change them. Accepting that wholeheartedly is quite a mindset change, and can make you feel sad....

Have a good weekend with the children. Hope you start getting things sorted as soon as possible. Did you say your solicitor is back next week?

Good news. :)

I would take advantage to press on with the divorce.

Things may still change as it could be his attempt at seeing if you back down because he's being nice about it.