Help me decide what is best or least worst!

[Onepollock]

I left my H 2 months ago taking our two young children to my parents. I had a long running post here which I pulled when I found he'd been accessing my MN account.

I left because the atmosphere at home had become really hostile, he was drinking heavily, name calling it ignoring me, refused counselling etc.

2 months on we're no further forwards. Our oldest starts school in Sept and i'm desperate to get home so he can go on bus to school with his friends etc.

I have asked him to leave the house and he'a refused. I have now suggested one night a week and every other Fri and sat he would sleep in house with kids if he agrees not to drink. The rest of the time he would stay at a place we've been offered. This would be until end of year and then be reviewed but would at least get me back in the house. He has now suggested counselling (post seeing a lawyer whereas before he had laughed at me when i suggested it) and i've said i will go with him during this 4 month period.

however he's said no as its 'all on my terms' and I can return to either oexist with him under pre agreed terms or that we should share the house exactly 50/50.

The children aren very young (just 4 and 2.5) and aren't used to me being away from them very much. In the 2 months I've been away he hasn't contacted them at all during the week.

Would you do 50/50 to get back into the house. I think I have accepted our relationship is over but want to know what the right thing is to do for the children.

Thanks.

It's a big shame about the injunction. I support a friend through similar and her solicitor got her the injunction.

She and the children stayed with me until he went then moved back in. It was the best thing she ever did and the injunction stayed in place for years which made access handovers much less stressful too.

There was no DV. Just controlling, unreasonable behaviour. Could you keep a diary to give you evidence?

I hate the idea of forcing someone on DD and would never do that. I introduced them four months ago and since then we have spent time together as a three and also as a four. DD is really fond of both of them.

I don't want to rush things and we have already talked about how we would face issues regarding discipline in regards to our own children.

He wouldn't become more important in my life then she is. No one ever will. If she were to have siblings, they would equal her obviously but don't most children face that?

So sorry, wrong thread x

Aaaah the divorce petition has been filed and sent to H's solicitor today! He said it would take at least 10 days. It has taken 4 and H is on hol with the children until tomorrow. He will get an email from his solicitor which will ruin his holiday and he will be very hurt and angry as he doesn't expect me to do this.

Oh I feel terrible and sad. I thought I would feel relieved but I don't.

Urgh.

I started off writing so what if he feels hurt, but then realised that this is how you would feel if this was the other way round. You would feel hurt and angry at the surprise. I very much doubt he will be hurt. He has shown no empathy or feeling for anyone but himself.

He may get angry- but that's no change from his usual behaviour. He is angry whenever you are not being a meek puppet.

I mean this in the best possible way - stop projecting how you would feel onto him. He is not that reasonable person. He is an angry alcoholic with no concerns for anyone other than himself.

you are doing the right thing - stick with it

He's acknowledged that your marriage is over by discussing the 50/50 house sharing arrangement. He must have worked out that this means divorce.

I think it's more likely that he will be angry because it wasn't instigated by him and happening in his timescales, on his terms.

You know where you stand and you need to drive this process forward so that everything can be resolved and you can all settle into your new family structure ASAP for the sake of your DCs.

Don't allow him to make you feel guilty. You've put up with a lot. Now you need to put yourself and your DCs first. See any tantrums as further efforts to control you and calmly ignore them.

His feelings are not your responsibility. The well being of your DCs is. Focus on that.

Thank you Galandra and petals you have made me feel less shite. I know I wouldn't have taken these steps unless it was my only option.

He saw it this morning and was furious as expected. He was shocked by my reckless behaviour. I has ruined our relationship etc. I said I needed somewhere to live and didn't have an option if he was insisting on not moving out.

He says he has kept th door open for me but I don't want to share or live with him at the moment. I've told him this a million times. That we need a break and only then with work we might be able to sort things out. But he's always ignored that, saying I'm trying to kick him out etc. he can't deviate from the path he's decided on. And he has no respect for my feelings so what else can I do. I didn't want to get divorced I wanted separation.

I have to try and be positive now and handle this with strength but I feel like I could stick my head under the duvet for about 6 months and come out when it's all sorted.

Arrgghhh...
I hate it when they do that.
They ALL do it.
It's YOUR fault the relationship ruined.
Bollox is it!
It's entirely HIS fault.
Hold on to the that thought.
YOU didn't do anything but try.
He decided to be like this and disrespect you and your views and wants and needs.
Get angry now. This isn't right!
He should be grovelling and trying to find a way through rather than putting it all back on you.
But he can't. Because he's a nasty piece of work who is selfish.
Don't listen to his blaming.
YOU know what has happened.

Thanks Hells Bells. I'm trying!

I'm also trying not to rush back, say I've been an idiot/to true myself with all the nice things he said and look at the facts. I only work on facts these days as anything else is too confusing.

he has no respect for my feelings so what else can I do

Unless this suddenly changes, along with him stopping drinking (both permanently), you'd be daft to go back. Nothing would change and your lives (you and DCs) would be miserable.

There are a lot of years ahead of you in which you can build a new life for yourself and your DCs with the drinking and the controlling behaviour. It will be hard for the next few months while you go through the divorce and set new ground rules but it will be worth it.

It would be funny that he is the one accusing you of reckless behaviour and ruining the relationship if it were not so sad. He really isn't very self aware is he?

I said I needed somewhere to live and didn't have an option if he was insisting on not moving out.

I fact, the children need somewhere to live, and, as he's not safe with them, they cannot live in the same house with them. You are the primary carer and that is why he must move out.

It's all about the children, not you and him. Stick to it.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

find out your legal position from them

xx good luck

My solicitor told me it would take at least 10 working days for the divorce petition to be filed. Instead it took 3 and they emailed it to DH's solicitor while he was on hol with the children and his mother and without checking with me first. I had been advised not to discuss with him in advance as the solicitor thinks he is likely to have tried to put a petition in on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour if he'd known about it.

Anyway, he is furious and is using the admittedly very bad timing as another reason to tell me I am the one in the wrong. He said I didn't know hurt was until something like that has happened to me, that I am trying to turn myself into the victim here when I'm actually the aggressor and that he was the best husband he could possibly be and I rejected him, couldn't have my own relationship etc because I'm so fixated on replicating my parent's.

However despite my behaviour in the last 10 weeks (since I left) he would be happy for me to move back.... He told me I'd do well to remember our wedding vows which sent me into a tail spin because he has been intentionally cruel to me and is trying to tell me I need to remember what we promised each other. I went completely mental and told him to go away, I really shrieked as something about that touched a really raw nerve. Then he said this is the kind of mental behaviour you've been showing for the last 5 years! I was on my own last night and I really did feel close to the edge.

It helps me to write this down because it seems so bizarre and I know what he says isn't true. He has rewritten the past completely. He = model husband. Me = crazed lunatic.

Why then do I feel such a guilt. Like I totally cocked up with the divorce petition. That I have gone too far. Like he does really want it to work and it is my craziness (which only appears when he's around) that will ultimately destroy our marriage and disadvantage the children?

Most importantly, how do I manage this for the future so that I'm not weighed down by guilt or remorse. I want to move forwards. There are so many things I enjoy and want to do more of but I'm scared I will end up sad old woman!

If you truly are a mad woman, then divorcing is the best option for him. Does that alleviate any 'guilt' you may have?

Honestly, you're doing the right thing. xx

So a delusional, manipulative, alcoholic, abusive arsehole is "the best husband he could possibly be"?!?! Fuck me, you should divorce him just for having the audacity to say that to you!!!

The "best husband he could be" would admit to the alcoholism and get help for it. The "best husband he could be" would respect you as an individual human in her own right, and not a "possession" that he gets to order about. The "best husband he could be" would recognise that if you decide to end the relationship, he has no right to guilt you into doing otherwise - you have a will, emotions, thoughts and feelings that belong solely to you, and he doesn't have a right to emotionally abuse you by applying guilt trips.

...how do I manage this for the future so that I'm not weighed down by guilt or remorse.

This is a pretty big question and has its roots in how you were brought up/parented. Poor parenting using emotionally abusive tactics such as guilt to manipulate the child into doing what the parent wants. My mother was like this, her favourite manipulation was "Don't you want to be a good girl?" when she wanted me to do something I did not want to do, or which was against my own best interests. Unfortunately, looking back into your own childhood One will reveal the answers. From there, you then have to find a way to deal with it, eg counselling, reading books etc.

Strength and courage to you, One.

If it helps, my stbxh (it has dragged on), got my sol letter when he came back from holiday; four months after we separated. I am in a different jurisdiction so it was not a divorce petition, just about formal separation and not coming to the house. I got all the reactions you are saying.

We are over a year on, and it is much, much clearer to me how controlling he was (is). Things have calmed down, but it was horrendous for a good number of months.

During that time, I just tried not to engage with him, no matter what was thrown at me. You have engaged a solicitor to sort this out, so all you need to say to stbxh is please talk to my solicitor. And repeat. You actually do not need to respond to anything he says. Do not justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE).

As regards managing for the future, I am now seeing a psychologist, who is doing mindfulness and CBT with me. She is lovely. My task for this week is to spend a day 'shopping' (trying and not buying) because I am out of the way of choosing clothes for myself and I don't know what I like and what suits me. There are resources and people out there to help you, so don't be afraid to use them.

One, just keep going. Make a diary of things he says. You will notice a pattern.

I may be wrong but I think his biggest worry is being removed from the 4 bed house and having to give you some of his pension, savings etc. has he told you that you are going to financially cripple him yet?

He is guilt tripping you as he knows that usually it would work, you would do the right thing (ie what he wants). Your life will be so much better when he is not in it. Can you get someone else to do hangovers so you no longer have to see him? It may feel nice for the kids to do stuff with him (beach etc) but really it is best not too.

The kids can have a great childhood without you living with their alcoholic father.

Thank you so much. I feel like so often I'm on the verge of caving in and just going back. I miss my home a lot and the village community. I also had a note from his sister suggesting I was threatening him with divorce which really upset me.

43 yes it is all about the house for him but pensions, savings etc are fairly irrelevant. He has always been terrible with money so there isn't much to speak of although he will inherit a lot. I probably have more for him to try and get from me. This is not saying a lot!!

Zazzles I found the second part of your post hard to read. I don't believe I have been poorly parented but guilt has always played a role in how I process things. I think part of this is personality lead but part is parenting and it is good to recognise this so I don't make the same mistakes.

I think next stage is mediation which I am not looking forward to.

Onepollock I've been following and lurking on your thread. I'm now out the other side of divorce. Keep going, you're doing so well.

You feel guilty due to the timing of the petition being sent early whilst he was on holiday. It shows you're a good decent person. You didn't want to spoil the holiday.

OP - honest to god - they will do anything to try and get you back under their control.

They will push all your buttons and as they know you so well, only they will know which ones to push.

He knows full well that you want your life in the village back, and that you would be mortified to be thought of as the person that broke the relationship up. You need to toughen up and expect all this bollocks until you finally cut this loser from your life.

And now he says he will move out on my suggested terms in 10 days time so I can be back for when our oldest starts school!

It has only taken a divorce petition to get us this far..... He wants to see a counsellor and spend more time with the children. I am of course cynical but my God I never thought he would budge in any way.

I am very wary and haven't agreed to anything yet but at least I can go home!!!!

Wait till then. He has said he will. He hasn't yet, so don't build your hopes up.
But fingers crossed.

And make sure he's out before moving in. And change the locks immediately.

It can be amazing what a reality check can do for these people.
Be prepared for further emotional abuse, including suicide threats, though, when he sees that promises of counselling won't work (hopefully).

one he rewrites history because he is gaslighting you.

You cannot change what he says or what he tells people. So don't worry about it. Ignore.

If you have not already read "why does he do that?" By lundy bancroft then you should.

He is following a classic abusers script.

You do not need his permission to leave him. You can divorce him just because you are not happy. You don't need any more reason although goodness knows you have plenty more reason

If he dies threaten suicide, don't go back, call the police.

Make sure you limit contact between you and him to the absolute minimum. Obviously he knows how to get at you and will try any chance he gets. Don't let him.
Good luck, and keep going, sounds like you are doing well. In a similar situation I went back after he wore me down, and then leaving again was horrific for the children especially.
Get all the support you can x