Help me decide what is best or least worst!

[Onepollock]

I left my H 2 months ago taking our two young children to my parents. I had a long running post here which I pulled when I found he'd been accessing my MN account.

I left because the atmosphere at home had become really hostile, he was drinking heavily, name calling it ignoring me, refused counselling etc.

2 months on we're no further forwards. Our oldest starts school in Sept and i'm desperate to get home so he can go on bus to school with his friends etc.

I have asked him to leave the house and he'a refused. I have now suggested one night a week and every other Fri and sat he would sleep in house with kids if he agrees not to drink. The rest of the time he would stay at a place we've been offered. This would be until end of year and then be reviewed but would at least get me back in the house. He has now suggested counselling (post seeing a lawyer whereas before he had laughed at me when i suggested it) and i've said i will go with him during this 4 month period.

however he's said no as its 'all on my terms' and I can return to either oexist with him under pre agreed terms or that we should share the house exactly 50/50.

The children aren very young (just 4 and 2.5) and aren't used to me being away from them very much. In the 2 months I've been away he hasn't contacted them at all during the week.

Would you do 50/50 to get back into the house. I think I have accepted our relationship is over but want to know what the right thing is to do for the children.

Thanks.

I'm happier on my own, it's only easier staying together with a decent man tbh

Well, how annoying that he manipulated everything again. I can imagine that very much with my ex, he can be most reasonable, persuasive and personable if he wants, and I look like a miserable old harridan!

Fundamentally, if it's not win win, then it's not working, and at the moment it's not making you feel good, so it's not working so far. Up to you if you want to carry on- but don't do it for others; after all they haven't been living with him have they?

My parents thought I was mad to split up, but they didn't really see all the crap, the drinking and the fact I was doing everything anyway.

It's you who knows the truth, and frankly you wouldn't have put yourself through all this unless in really was unfeasible to carry on, would you?

Hi squeegle thanks as always. Yup it's about trusting myself a bit more I suppose.

I knew when I got back on Wed night that he'd drunk far too much. Maybe some people would be happy for their husbands to drink 6 drinks while looking after their children in their own regularly but I'm not and that's what counts.

The meeting yesterday was horrid and I've emailed the psychotherapist saying that I'm not convinced joint sessions are a good idea as I felt so awful afterwards (just how I had done when we lived together). Will be interesting to see what she says.

I've just emailed H to say I will be staying in the house tonight and he replied 'great, how nice maybe we can have a beer together later on! I don't know whether he is joking or not. Either way he was so furious yesterday. How does that work?!

I'd actually probably be telling him not to show up tonight.

He would tell me to sod off if I did!

He will come. I don't have a choice in that.

Have you had legal advice on that?

No. I can't afford to keep going backwards and forwards with solicitor. i have spent 3k already!

he moved our on the basis that he could stay in the house one night a week and every other Fri and Sat. He also moved back on the proviso he wouldn't drink (heavily) if he had sole care of the children I suppose.

But I know I'll have a fight on my hands if I try and stop him staying. It is great he is seeing the children much more regularly though.

I realise this sharing the house business isn't really any good but it was a short term way of getting back home.

He has broken the agreement, so I think it's only fair that he doesn't stay. He doesn't need to and he shouldn't be in sole charge of the children.
I'd really be pushing for supervised contact, away from home.

In any case, I think you need to establish firm boundaries with him if he is to stay.

He's just arrived, complained about the state of the house and then told me the reason I found our counselling session yesterday difficult was because I had to listen to the truth and I couldn't cope with it.

He's so smug it's as if he won a political debate and has right in his side. Now that he's said that he's being thoroughly pleasant again.

I think I hate him.

I don't blame you! He's being so bloody awkward isn't he? Is he having a drink tonight?

Now, coaching/counselling type-question coming up.... Given that he is an awkward, manipulative so and so, and given that he still doesn't feel that drink is at all a problem (and you won't convince him it is), what do you see your options as being? How can you get some kind of control of the situation?

If you are going to stay while he is seeing the children there is no need for him to stay overnight. Him having this level of control is really unhealthy for you and the children. Does he want to stay so he can drink and not worry about being over the limit?

I understand that he is very controlling and telling him you don't want him staying overnight would be very hard but you need to separate your lives more effectively.

Could you make it clear that he is welcome to be there while they are awake just as much but you need him to leave once they are in bed?

I just want him gone. But how can I do that? The solicitor said last week that my chances of an injunction are still 50:50 and I'd have to show we were arguing a lot etc as well as him drinking.

We argued tonight in front of children and he's just ignored me as I've come back in. Only 2 drinks tonight as far as I can see but the atmosphere is dreadful.

I asked him tonight before I left if he'd help with clearing up kids toys etc as i won't be there and he said won't help with any of the jobs while he's in the house because I chose to live there and to get rid of him and if I can't cope that's my problem. He's done his washing up and left the children's bowls for their supper! He really wants me to fail. Every other week he is due to sleep in the house 3 nights of that week but he is refusing to help at all. I can't physically do it if I'm not there.

Def divorce time now but even that won't get him out of the house until the house is sold or I buy him out.

I an tell him I want him not to stay and I suppose I could suggest to neighbours I am very uncomfortable with him staying but he keeps telling them how much he wants to sort our relationship out!

How would it be for you to look again at places for you to move out to?
Or make his life very difficult at home

My gut feeling is that you need to consider moving out with the children into a place of your own if at all possible. The only thing that makes me hesitate is that you are currently able to make sure he isn't in charge of the children while rolling drunk. You can't do that if he has contact in his own home.

Can you have any of these exchanges by text so that you have some evidence of his unreasonable behaviour?

Can you not discuss contact arrangements and that he goes home at the end? Why does he have to sleep over? He's welcome to see the kids but as he's living elsewhere I fail to see why he needs to sleep there now. The arrangements need adjusting, this isn't working.

I've read the whole thread now and it rings a lot of bells with me since it mirrors many of the circumstances that I experienced many years ago when separating (and then divorcing) the father of my DCS.

I can tell you now, with absolute certainty, that allowing him to "share" the house in this manner will not work. He will grind you down and leave you convinced that you are to blame for his controlling and abusive behaviour. If you continue to allow him to stay several times a week then you will never be rid of him and never able to make the fresh start that you and your children need. Right now your children must be thoroughly confused and your husband will certainly use this to his advantage.

He's already broken the terms of your agreement. Stop this unworkable arrangement right now. Get your solicitor to write to him saying that access arrangements cannot involve overnight stays in your house. He has another property. He can live there and see his children there. Do not waver on this. Keep him OUT of your house.

PS. As a previous poster has said, it might be that you need to move out yourself into your own place. This will break what is an increasingly hopeless and vicious circle.

Also, do not even consider going for further counselling with him. It will be entirely counterproductive and leave you feeling ever more despondent and confused. He, of course, like all controllers, will enjoy every moment of his time in the limelight so deny him the opportunity.

I agree. The feeling of him being in the house is horrid. He completely ignored me when I returned last night.

He'd left a small pile of the children's bowls from their supper by the sink and had done his own washing up!

I am talking to the solicitor today. What can I ask him to do?

State what happened when you came back and he'd been drinking - so broken your agreement. That he is abusive and you cannot carry on living with him. That this is not going to work and separation and divorce is the only way forward He has somewhere else to live so can leave and see the children outside of your home for contact. He has no intention of doing anything for the children as evidenced by leaving their bowls but doing his own so him being there will drive you mad - which is his intention

get on with the divorce - he is an alcoholic - and is still putting alcohol first - if he chooses to not see the children because he lives elsewhere then he is being a shit and they will be better off without that kind of influence in their lives anyway.

You've had your solicitor say an injunction is 50-50. Even those odds sound better than putting up with this man.
You could ring NCDV and ask for a second opinion on this.

I remember when I separated from exH how exhausting and hurtful and frustrating it was the contact we had to try and discuss things. It is emotional abuse and that is recognised by law. You've had someone witness it in the form of your therapist. Try to get exchanges in writing.
Even if he's in the house communicate by text. And mention all what you see as abusive.

But, ultimately, consider moving out again if he persists. And insist on
supervised contact, as he's broken the agreement. He's not even drinking below the legal driving limit. And for the sake of one night he should not be drinking at all if in sole care of the children. That he can't refrain from it shows a lot.
You could remove all drink from the house, if you haven't, and see and report
what he brings in (made worse by the fact that he probably drank before going in).

Sorry to say we all saw this coming, but most of us did need go give the benefit of the doubt to the bastards in our lives. You gave him that benefit and I'd think it's time to go full hard on him. Sadly it's the only thing that works with such men. :(

Thanks all for the great advice.

The counsellor we saw yesterday has just emailed to say she believes that the children would be negatively impacted by us living together at present as our relationship is so damaged. That really helps me in terms of a possible court order if he tries to move back in etc.

I've also emailed him saying based on his behaviour I don't want any more sessions unless we're discussing our parenting. And that I've booked a mediation appt to start the divorce proceedings off again.

I feel much better!

Great. :)
Sounds like a good therapist.

Just to say, though, that I'd skip mediation, or if you do think it could be useful to try once and if when it doesn't work out go for contact via solicitors only.

Good - hang onto that feeling! That's your future. But prepare yourself for him replying with vitriol as you are taking control of your life and choices.

A word of caution though.
If he still has the keys, he could try to move back in. I think you should plan for that or make sure he can't go in change the locks, such as putting in an extra lock or a bolt.

I am glad the psychologist has seen what is going on. Your solicitor might be a bit more positive about the injunction now.